Original subtitles

And so from Coolidge Fieldhouse with the final score New York 118, Dayton 99,

this is Scooter Scott saying so long and don't double dribble.

Don't double dribble. Boy, that guy's the worst.

Let's see.

Sports announcers today seem to have more good looks and personality than

knowledge and understanding of the events they cover.

Clever cliches like what a cat can don't double dribble aren't they?

Felix,

will you get the door?

Can't you get it?

I'm busy. I'm working.

All right, hold on a minute.

What are you doing? You're too busy to answer the door.

I'm writing a very important story. It's got to be in by the morning.

Oh, that's different. I wasn't doing anything. I was only taking a shower.

When you take a very important shower, then I'll answer that.

Hi, Mr. Unger. What do you want, Philip?

Is Mr. Madison home?

No, he's not home.

Come in.

You're typing on the coffee table. You don't have a perfectly good desk to type

on. I wanted to watch the game. Look at the papers on the floor. Pick them up.

Pick them up.

I don't have time to talk. I'm very busy.

I don't want you to talk to me. I just want you to give me another chance to

beat you at arm wrestling.

Again with arm wrestling? I already beat you five times.

Yeah, but I can take you now.

I've been practicing.

Come on, Mr. Madison.

Arm wrestle with me just this once, and then I'll leave you alone.

If I do it one more time, you promise to leave me alone?

Scott's honor.

Oh, you're not a scout, Philip. Come on, let's go.

How about a little bet?

All right, nickel or dime. Come on, let's go. A quarter.

What about a quarter? That's nice. Take advantage of a little boy. Felix, I just

want to get it over with. Why don't you bet him $1 ,000?

You're on for $1 ,000. All right, I bet. $1 ,000. You owe me $1 ,000. Pay up or

get out, will you? How do you want it? Mr.

Brighton.

There you are, Mr.

Madison. $1 ,000.

Cash.

On November 13th, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his place of

residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right, but he also knew that someday he would return

to her.

With nowhere else to go, he appeared at the home of his childhood friend, Oscar

Madison.

Sometime earlier, Madison's wife had thrown him out, requesting that he never

return. Can two divorced men share an apartment without driving each other

crazy?

Thank you.

960, 970, 980, 990.

1 ,000.

I can't believe they make play money look so real.

You think I could fool my ex -wife when I pay her alimony? It's real money.

It is?

Where'd you get this, Philip?

From my paper route.

Come on, Philip. Now, where'd you get it?

No kidding. I saved it for 15 years.

You're only 11 years old.

Where'd you get this?

I will not...

Excuse me, Goebbels.

Eat some crackers.

What do you think they're going to do? Send them home to his folks.

His folks are out of town. I promised them I'd help the new maid keep an eye

them in case something happened. I think something's happened. You're a born

volunteer. Then call for the police.

For a little boy.

Felix, what's wrong with that? That may be stolen money. Who knows where the

crazy kid got it? The only thing I do know is we can get in a lot of trouble.

I'm not going to call the police.

Okay, I made my suggestion. You turn to Don, do whatever you want to do.

Look out there, will you?

Aren't you curious to know where he got the money? Of course I'm curious. That's

why I say call the police. Now, goodbye.

You're turning your back on reality, huh?

I'll talk to him.

I'll talk to him. Maybe he'll feel like talking now. Felix, if he doesn't feel

like talking, you can try bribing him with the money.

Phil?

Come on, where'd you get it?

You didn't steal it, did you?

Yes. I robbed it from the Eastland National Bank on Fifth Avenue.

There's no way an 11 -year -old can knock over a bank.

Is there?

I'm so sure.

Babyface Nelson didn't rob his first bank until he was over 40 years of age.

What did you do? You went in with both guns blazing?

Are you kidding?

I used my head.

I knocked over a free calendar, and when the teller went to pick it up, I took

the money and ran.

Why don't you look at television for a while?

a word with you in private.

No.

What do you mean, no?

I'm never going to have a private conversation with you again. They're all

to be public. I want everybody to suffer.

I'm worried about Philip. Somebody left him alone in the living room. I'm

serious. I think he stole the money.

Will you listen to me?

That could be somebody's lifetime savings.

Don't do what I told you. Call the police. You know I can't do that. All

then break the case yourself, Sherlock.

All right.

Let it be on your head. It's on my head.

That's what you want.

You want it on your head? It doesn't matter to you that you could be starting

little boy on a life of crime?

Hey, Felix, you really upset about this? Of course.

You come into my room, you don't tell me how dirty it is. You even sit on my

bed. Of course I'm upset. I'm so upset I don't care about your bed.

I'm not standing in my closet.

Will you give me your attention?

This kid's full future is at stake.

Felix, my future is at stake if they catch us with stolen money here.

All right. I won't turn Philip over to the police.

Yet. Back.

Let's go talk.

Oh, come on. Maybe she knows where he's going. Come on, come on. All right, all

right. We'll go talk to his maid.

And her turn him over to the police.

Excuse us.

We live across the hall. This is Mr. Madison.

We promised Philip's parents we'd help you keep an eye on him.

Yes.

No, Felipe's parents, see, they asked us to help.

Oh, oh, oh, yes, yes.

They fly away.

It's going to be a sparkling conversation here.

Felipe's parents asked us to help you.

Oh, yes, yes, they fly jets.

Felipe,

madre...

No comprendo nada, señor.

¿Qué hora está?

Do you speak Spanish? Sure.

Adiós, Felix. Now, wait.

She knows where he got the money. Maybe he wanted arm wrestling with her.

Phillips, Philly.

Here's... Ah.

Pesos. Ah, pesos. Ah, wait a minute. Look, look.

Felipes Pesos. Oh, yes.

Yes.

How did he get it?

You're off the bank.

I must be losing my mind. How did I ever let you talk me into coming down to the

bank? Because deep down, you're not a bad person. Deep down, I want to get you

and Felipe off my back.

Believe me, Oscar, we're doing the right thing.

Felix, why is it always we?

Let's just get it over with.

I'm Mr. Larkin. I'm Oscar Madison. I'm Felix Unger. How do you do?

We'd like to ask you a few questions.

Of course.

Won't you be seated?

Oh, thanks.

Now, what can I do for you? Well, I would like... We would like to know...

you been robbed lately?

Believe me, gentlemen, you have nothing to worry about.

If you're thinking of opening an account with us, you're thinking right.

Oh, see, that's not what we... We have all the latest protective devices.

Scanners.

intercoms, pneumatic tubes.

In fact, we've just installed a closed -circuit television system.

It's a very complicated device.

We are one of the first banks in the city to have one. That's very

You might say I'm wearing two hats this week. Bank manager and television

director.

I'm going back to the table. We're not here to open an account.

We understand you have had a theft recently.

How did you know?

And it's true.

Yes. Do you have any information about this?

Well, maybe we do.

Maybe we don't.

I don't understand.

Gentlemen, why does this concern you?

I've been asking myself the same question.

It's possible that we have some information about the theft.

Mr. Larkin, speaking hypothetically, of course, if the money were

returned to the bank anonymously,

Would the bank be inclined to press charges?

I can practically guarantee that the culprit will remain anonymous.

Who did it?

It was... I prefer to make my deal in the presence of witnesses.

What am I, a can of tuna fish?

I mean, someone else from the bank.

Oh, God.

Miss Hickey, will you ask Mr.

Schuyler to step into my office, please?

One of my tellers.

Mr. Schuyler, this is Mr.

Madison and Mr. Unger. How do you do? These two gentlemen are here about the

robbery two weeks ago. At your window.

Oh, yes.

Mr. Schuyler, it's important that you listen carefully.

We think we know who took the money.

Now, since this individual is not a professional criminal, Mr. Larkin

the bank will not press charges if the money is returned.

Now, what we want you to do is... Confess.

Confess. You want me to say I stole the money?

And I did.

And I do confess.

Skyler, what are you babbling about?

Wait a minute, Skyler. We don't think you took it. You don't? No, now we know

you did it. We didn't think you did it earlier.

Oh.

Send a security guard to my office immediately.

Oh, I feel sick.

I had to do it.

It was just going to be a loan.

I needed the money.

I had to buy my wife's fur coat and diamond necklace.

You see, she said she'd divorce me if I didn't buy her everything.

I should never have married a Vegas showgirl.

Phoenix. Hmm?

Don't open an account here.

Why won't you talk to me?

Aren't you happy with yourself?

About what?

We caught a bank robber. Phoenix, I've got a column to write. From now on, if

you've got something to say to me, just keep it to yourself.

I won't answer.

Philip, what are you doing in our apartment?

I slipped in through the back door.

The heat's on. Are you too sure you weren't being followed here? Will you

this nonsense, Philip? You're wasting enough time as it is already.

All right, Philip.

Where'd you get the money?

I told you, from the bank. You never robbed a bank.

I'll bet you a thousand dollars I did.

Okay, I'll take that bet.

We just came from the bank, smarty. It was robbed by a guy named Skyler.

They got Skyler. You don't know anybody named Skyler. Will you stop putting this

on?

Okay. I guess you got me. I lose. You're darn right you lose.

How do you want your money?

In tens or twenties?

Well, a thousand dollars is serious, but two thousand dollars is serious enough

to get me serious.

I don't want to hear any more of your lies.

You won't. As of now, I'm putting plan B into operation.

What's plan B? The code of silence.

Again with the key?

Bill, if you don't tell me where the money is, I'm going to wallop you!

Art Linklater would never talk that way to a kid.

Because he never met a kid like you. Don't move, you hear? Don't move.

I want to make something clear.

I'm a parent. I have my own children.

I do not believe in the physical punishment of children.

Don't you ever spank your kid? Never.

Gloria did that. We're wasting valuable time. We've got to solve plan B.

We haven't had much luck with plan A. You know why the kid loves to play these

cockamamie games? So what are we supposed to do? Get down on his level

on cloaks? No, no. Felix, we're supposed to scare him. Call the police. There

must be a better way. There is, am I right, girl? No, no. No walloping. No

walloping. Listen.

Starvation. No, no starvation.

Look, we'll call the police without calling the police.

What seems to be the trouble?

Well, officer, we have a juvenile here with $2 ,000 in cash, which he obviously

didn't get legitimately.

All right, son.

Won't do you any good to stall.

Now, where'd you hide the money?

Officer, we haven't had a chance to brief you in detail.

We know where the money is.

We don't know where he got it.

All right, son.

Are you a real cop?

Of course I'm a real cop. Don't you see the uniform and the badge and

everything? Why do you ask?

Because a real cop would put me through the third degree like they do at the

police station.

That's right.

You put him under a glaring light. You don't let him have a glass of water or a

cigarette until he cracks. But we don't do things like that anymore.

But you do make certain exceptions, don't you, officer?

Not since the Supreme Court ruling did you dare make an exception. In this

we'll make an exception, yes.

You, get me a light.

Right, officer.

And you, kid.

You asked for it, and you're going to get it.

He's enjoying this. We're going about it the wrong way. You noticed that, too?

Yeah, this kid's a tough cookie, Oscar, and I've known some of the toughest.

I think you were right, Oscar. We're going to have to scare him. Oh, yeah,

a minute. Just count me out.

But we're going to have to do something. Ah, there's no such thing as a bad boy.

Are you sure you're a real cop?

I know.

All right, sorry, gentlemen, but that's the law. What kind of a crazy law is

that? I don't understand, officer. Why us? Just put those on. We'll discuss

later in the paddy wagon.

All right, son, you're in the clear and you can go.

Hey, what's going on?

I'm taking these two in. But why? I did it.

Take me.

It's all right, Philip.

We'll take the rap.

You're in the clear, son.

You see, we just made up this new law. I'll tell him, Murray. Yes, the prisoner

will tell you. You see, there's this new law in New York that any adult that

knows about a crime... And the key word is adult. Any adult that knows about a

crime that was committed by a child, then he will be tried for that crime

that crime is solved.

Are they going to arrest Alicia, too?

Who's Alicia?

His Spanish maid, but don't try to arrest her. It'll take hours.

She's a foreign adult.

Key word there is foreign.

No, you've got us.

Take us in.

We'll have to take the raft.

Forward our mail to Sing Sing, will you, Philip?

All right, come on, let's go.

But wait, they're innocent.

I can explain about the money.

Oh, we wouldn't want you to be a stool pigeon, Philip.

I found it on the way home in a black garbage can with a red top behind it all

brown. Stone.

That's all right, son. You're in the clear.

Okay, come on. Let's go. I'm taking you in. Wait a minute. Willie's telling the

truth. Yes. Yes, I am.

Of course he is.

Explain it slowly, Philip.

Well, you see, I was on my way home from school, and there was this black

garbage can with a red top.

Listen, if this kid has sent us on another wild goose chase, I'm a black

can with a red top. No, this time we're on the right wild goose chase. He was

scared. So was I when Murray couldn't find the key to the handcuffs.

Black with a red top. No, black with a red top. That's it.

This must be the cat.

I feel like I'm in a bus. This must be the cat.

I wonder garbage men are always going on strike.

Well, let's go in and start asking questions.

Felix, you can't go knocking on doors, ask strangers if they lost $2 ,000. Why

not? Because everybody in New York would say yes. I would.

Yes, you're right.

Well, what do we do?

We have to wait till you use that garbage can.

Ever occur to you that today may not be garbage day?

Felix, in New York, every day is garbage day.

How can you sit here in all this garbage?

I get tired standing.

Besides, I learned something very important sitting here. I'll bet you.

What'd you learn?

Rats have a tough life.

Here comes somebody.

That better.

Two hours in this place.

My nose is paralyzed.

Chief,

they put some money in there.

You see, you're the one who likes garbage.

What are you doing among you? No, we want to talk to you about your garbage.

Well, you're pretty well dressed for garbage men.

We're not garbage men.

My name is Felix Unger, and this is my friend and roommate, Oscar Madison.

How do you do?

Well, my name is Max Turner, and this is my friend and roommate, Sam Mitchell.

Yeah, nice to know you. Listen, we want to talk to you fellas. Talk? All right,

go ahead.

Well, we were wondering... Could we talk someplace else? Do we have to stand

here among garbage? I don't like that. What's wrong with garbage?

Yeah, what's wrong with garbage?

Yeah. That's all right, son. I don't like garbage either.

Let's go up to our apartment and talk right this way.

Thank you.

Yeah,

we want you to see our place.

Take a good look around. This is what your room's going to look like in a

of years.

Anybody want a beer?

No, thank you. Yes, I'd like one, thank you. Don't forget to use the coaster,

Sam.

Thank you. You're welcome.

Now, what can we do for you boys?

We have reason to believe that you may have lost something.

Did you hear that, Sam?

Get your feet off the coffee table.

Why? I brushed him off before I came into the room.

Look, maybe we should be more specific.

Have you lost a large sum of money lately?

Neither one of us have a large sum of money. We have been paying alimony for

last 35 years.

35 years?

Divorce knows no age.

What money we do have is kept in this little cabinet over here.

Yeah?

Garbage.

Gee, it's garbage.

You threw away our money?

I must have made that mistake when I was cleaning.

You see, I've told you not to clean up all the time.

There's a place for everything and everything in this place except our

Our money is down in the city dump.

For 35 years, I've been trying to get him to stop cleaning up.

It's like living with a human vacuum cleaner. If you'd ever learned to pick

after yourself. I think this belongs to you, gentlemen.

Yeah, we found it in the garbage.

I'm glad you honest people found it.

My wife would kill me if I sent her garbage instead of alimony.

I once did.

How can we ever thank you? We deserve none of the credit. It was found by a

little boy who lives next door to us.

Well, I think he should get a reward.

A big one. Yeah.

Huh?

Excuse me.

Huh?

Why, are you sure that isn't too much?

Well, it's well -deserved.

All right.

I'll help you, Sam. That silver is awfully heavy.

Hey, maybe we're going to get a reward. Be still.

You'll see that the lad gets this all right now. What is it?

Silver foil.

We've been saving it for the last 35 years.

Yeah.

It's almost impossible to get this quality silver foil anymore since Lucky

Strike went to war.

You think he'll like it?

Oh, he'll be the first kid on the block to have one. Very thoughtful gift.

You know, it's so big we had to give it a room of its own.

Okay, shall we start?

Yeah.

All right, you push, I'll pull.

Remind you of anybody you know?

What's the matter with you? What are you doing? Remember our deal? We weren't

going to throw any garbage out until we checked it over together here. I checked

this garbage with a microscope.

It's legitimate garbage.

Did you know that I check it out myself, Noah?

Uh -huh.

Carrot? Not valuable.

There's another oatmeal box. Not valuable.

Uh -huh. Uh -huh. There we go.

Hold it. What about that pop bottle?

No value, no deposit, no return.

You win that one.

You were going to throw my lucky sneaker? That's the worthless, smelly

sneaker with a hole in it. That's what makes it lucky. My bunion sticks will

kick all those field goals. Are you going to keep it?

Sure, I'm going to keep it. What about this, buddy? A used paper napkin is

valuable. Oh, what about that?

Lena Molinari, 280.

Is that the one with the beautiful? That's the one with the beautiful, yeah.

That's valuable. That's valuable.