Original subtitles

I'm going fishing.

Yeah, the trout and stream had it on the paper. He left me his cabin for the

weekend up in the mountains.

Oh, I'm going to be all alone. No sports column, no Felix, and no alimony.

Oh, Felix isn't coming.

He hates the mountains.

Hi, Felix.

Mother Nature makes him sneeze.

Besides, it'll be good for me to be alone for a while.

Did you take a wrong turn?

No, I needed the moment alone.

With your coat?

What's the matter?

I just saw my ex -wife.

Why'd you go to see Gloria?

Went over to her house to deliver her alimony check.

You went to deliver a alimony check in person?

Felix, I wouldn't deliver Blanche's alimony check. I even blow the address

I mail it. Blanche lives in California.

What's your hat doing there?

Yeah, but that's not the point, Felix. The point is that Gloria's seeing

man. What do you think of that?

What's to think? You're separated.

Felix.

Felix? I don't want to talk about it.

So she had a date this one time.

You know what her date called her?

Honey.

Edens, why did you torture yourself by hanging around the house to meet him?

I didn't hang around the house. I hid in the bushes.

Edens, you've got to stop putting yourself through all this agony and all

jealousy. Now, nobody wants to see you get back with Gloria more than I do. But

you can't keep letting her bring you down.

An ex -wife is not something you can neatly tuck away in the back of your

If anybody can tuck it away neatly, Felix, it's you.

Come on, buddy.

It'll work out. Everything does. You'll cheer up.

I won't cheer up.

You're doing it to me again, you know that, Felix?

How am I supposed to go up and relax in the mountains, you lying here with your

face down?

Don't worry about me.

If I do anything rash, I'll leave you a note.

I can't leave you like this.

You're coming up the mountains with me.

You ought to go up there alone.

So we'll have a lot of laughs.

We'll keep score on how many things you're allergic to.

On November 13th, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his place of

residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right. But he also knew that someday he would return

to her.

With nowhere else to go, he appeared at the home of his childhood friend, Oscar

Madison. Some time earlier, Madison's wife had thrown him out, requesting that

he never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment without driving each other crazy?

drawer I cleaned for you.

Look at that. He just throws stuff in. Forget about this, Felix.

Think about the great outdoors, rippling lakes, fresh air.

Dirt. Dirt.

Bless you. No one that should love us. Pure, clean, fresh air.

You call this clean?

It's a little rustic. To you, a garbage scowl is rustic.

Abraham Lincoln lived like this.

That's why he wanted to be president so much, so he could move.

Felix, where's your pioneer spirit? Didn't you ever fight the elements?

Yeah, and they always beat me badly, too.

I'm sorry.

I'm being terrible, huh? Yes, you are.

Come on, I want you to enjoy yourself.

Would you be happy if I let you dust a little?

I didn't bring any dust cloth.

Here, use my support hose.

I'll be different. I'll be a regular Daniel Boone. He was such a messy

that floppy buckskin, always chewing on a dirty twig.

What are you doing?

Brushing my teeth.

On your knees?

This is the only outlet in the whole cabin.

That is the ugliest thing I've ever seen.

You probably shot it. Who would shoot papier -mâché?

It was decor.

And he would look at them.

They're used for a mating call. The rustle of favor.

That was a great dinner. Real mountain cooking.

It's fun cooking out of a can.

Makes me feel like Davy Crockett. You like Davy Crockett better than Daniel

Boone? Yeah.

History has it that he was an excellent cook.

Davy Crockett Boone.

And despite what happened at the Alamo, his specialty was Mexican food.

Hey,

in between sneezes, you can laugh.

Well, I don't want to ruin your weekend. It's not so bad up here. I have plenty

of tissues.

That's the way I want to hear you talk. I don't even know if I'm going to be

able to get some sleep.

I'm as excited as a kid. I set the alarm for five because I hear the fish out

biting like crazy.

What is it, Felix?

You know I've got to sleep down here.

I thought you'd rather sleep up here. Better for your sinuses. Better for my

sinuses, but worse for my ears. They get plugged up.

You can't, Felix. If your ears are plugged up, you won't be able to hear

fish bite.

Something wrong?

No, just a sneeze. Go back to sleep. Go back to sleep.

Don't forget to wake me up at five.

It's after five.

Really? What time is it?

It's 10 .30.

10 .30?

10 .30?

10 .30.

Why'd you wake me up? I thought you were sleeping so peacefully. You need the

rest. You came up here. I can always rest. I can always sleep. I wanted to go

fishing. Well, why can't you go fishing now?

Because all the fish are asleep now.

Maybe I'll be lucky I'll catch one that hasn't swam yet.

Sorry.

Where are my worms?

I freed them.

You what?

Well, they were so miserable in that can all twisted up together, I threw them

out in the woods where they belong.

They were born free.

Worms are not born free. They're born to be put on a hook.

I can't stand to see any little creature suffer.

Oh, I'd like to see... Oh, I'd like to see you suffer.

Will you cut that out?

I'm sorry, Peter.

I shouldn't have gotten mad at you.

Well, I'm sorry if your vacation is spoiled, but you don't have to try to

me. At least the rain has stopped my sneezing. Hey, you cleaned up the cabin.

Where'd you find the time?

I moved fast.

A rat was chasing me.

Felix, we could have a good time. What would you like to do?

Anything. Anything at all. You know me. I'm game for anything.

What do you want to do?

Well, what are you reading?

Shakespeare. I found a volume here. I think you have a very literate fishing

editor.

But soft what light through yonder window breaks. It is the east and Juliet

the sun.

Arise... That's not fun.

I think it's fun.

I used to read Shakespeare to Gloria.

Oh, Felix, now don't go down in the sewer again, will you?

Tell me a joke. A joke?

A joke, a joke.

There were two guys in a bar, see, and they were talking. And the first guy

says, I got laryngitis, see.

Now the second guy says, hey, when I have laryngitis, I go home, I tell my

she gives me hugs and kisses, and she whispers sweet nothings in my ear, and

goes away. You ought to try it sometimes.

And the first guy says, okay, what's your address?

Doesn't make sense.

What doesn't make sense?

Howard hugging and kissing and sweet nothings cure his laryngitis. I don't

I'm hugging and kissing and whispering sweet nothings. I don't know. You're not

supposed to analyze a joke, Peter. It's a laugh at a joke. Tell me a funny one

and I'll laugh at it. Hang by your nose till I tell you another joke. What kind

of a reaction is that? Why does nothingness clean here?

I give up.

I can't cheer you up. You're worse than a soap opera. Yeah, here we are, like

two guys stranded on a desert island. So where's the beautiful girl that's

supposed to be washed ashore?

You see how upset I am? I just saw a mirage. Beautiful girl, had a blue thing

and a yellow sailor cap.

Hi. Hi. You're not a mirage?

What? Nothing. Come in, come in, come in.

Well, listen, I'm not trying to bother you. I know that everyone says that, but

I really am sorry. Oh, it's no bother. No bother at all. I'm Judy Thompson. Hi,

I'm Oscar Madison, my friend Felix Hunger.

Here you go.

I suppose you're wondering what I'm doing here.

Yeah, I am. What are you doing? Well, you see, I was on this nature excursion

with three other girls, and we got caught in the downpour.

Three other girls? Yeah, but you see, we tried to make it back, but the bridge

was out. So I took a chance and came running on ahead to see if I could find

some shelter. Well, he found it, Julie. You found it. It is simply pouring out

here. I hope those other girls are all right.

Oh, I'm sure they are. They're just down the road.

Better go get them. Oh, no, no. I wouldn't think of it. You're liable to

cold. That's true.

No, I insist.

Oh, no, I insist. Listen, I know exactly where they are.

I'll just be a minute.

Okay, thanks.

You,

me, and four chicks?

Are you sure this won't be an inconvenience? Oh, absolutely not an

inconvenience. You're both very sweet. Thanks.

You talk about luck.

You call this luck?

I call it depression.

She made me think of Gloria.

Are you crazy, Felix? This is exactly what you need. Another girl to take your

mind off Gloria.

I'll tell you what. I'll give you your pick of the three. I'll take Julia. I

don't want my pick. I want Gloria.

Felix, stay here.

Come on. Cheer up, will you? And remember, I got Julie.

You got Julie.

You probably have Gloria. She dates everybody.

Felix, you got... Girls,

these gentlemen are going to sit us up until the rain stops.

This is Mr. Madison and Mr. Unger.

This is Bunny, Cindy, and Lois. Hi.

What's the matter with you?

Now, I'm depressed.

I finally found a beautiful girl in this wilderness. She comes up here with a

Brady Bunny. Don't be ashamed of yourself. Cheer up.

Put on your happy hat.

What's a happy hat?

How are you, girls?

Having fun?

Oh, I'm bored.

How about a game of charades?

Yes. That's for squares.

Hey, whose camera is this?

Miss Thompson, Cindy is touching the man's things.

That's all right.

I'm a photographer.

Is it a good job?

It's a jungle.

But I love it.

You're a very quiet little girl. Would you want to look at my camera?

No, thank you.

I'd rather look at this book. May I?

weird. She ever plays with anybody.

We all hate her.

Well, that's terrible.

Wait till you get to know her. You'll hate her, too.

Maybe she's lonely.

I'm not. I have a boyfriend.

You see?

I carry his tooth around my neck. That's very romantic.

Do you have a girlfriend?

Yes. What's her name?

Gloria. I call her Gloria.

Uh, Mr. Runger was a great photographer. He's gonna take your picture later.

You look sad, Felix.

Could I talk to you for a minute alone?

Oh, sure, yeah.

What's in the kitchen? Where are you going?

Nothing's in the kitchen.

Nothing's in the kitchen. Mr. Runger's going to put on his happy hat and

entertain you. Hey, read something funny in Shakespeare.

I'll try.

Julie, I'm going to level with you because you seem like a very considerate

person. I love helping myself, man.

I could tell that about you when we met.

Well, I know somebody that really needs your help.

Oscar, I think that, come on.

Yeah, well, I bet you never heard one like this before.

I want you to convince Felix that he's lucky in love.

I don't want you to really throw yourself at him. Just kind of throw

him. Now, wait a minute. I love helping people. I mean, I really do, but I drop

a lot of... Will you?

Julie, wow.

I just want you to talk to him. The man is depressed.

Yeah, I noticed.

I hope it's not because of us. Oh, no, no, no. It's his ex -wife, and with him

it's a catastrophe.

See, he's very emotional.

Do you know, to this very day, he still mopes on the anniversary of Eddie Fisher

and Debbie Reynolds' divorce?

They were a cute couple.

Our silver suite found lovers' tongues by night, like softest music to

ears.

Romeo? My sweet.

At what o 'clock tomorrow shall I send to thee?

At the hour of nine.

I will not fail.

Tis twenty years till then.

I have forgot why I did call thee back.

Let me stand here till thou remember it.

That was beautiful.

Beautiful? That was sad.

Do you realize that guy is laughing on the outside but he's crying on the

inside?

Julie, he needs a woman to talk to.

Okay, okay, I'll volunteer.

You will? Yeah.

I know this sounds silly, but I really do love helping people.

And I can tell that man out there needs help.

You're a great humanitarian, Julie.

Oscar, this was your idea.

I think I just cut my throat.

You know, you're very good, Bunny. You show real feeling as an actress.

Thank you. I still think she's weird.

I don't. I think you're a little weird, too.

Miss Thompson, Cindy just insulted the man again.

That's all right. I'm used to it.

Miss Stronger, I think you're a great actor.

Better than Bobby Sherman.

Okay. Come on, girls.

Let's feed the fire. I don't want to. Who asked you?

Hey, would you like to try on my new fishing cap, the one with all the

hooks in it?

I, uh, couldn't help overhearing your little scene with Bunny.

You're really quite good.

Thank you, thank you.

I enjoy tragedies.

My first real job, first job I ever made any money from, was photographing our

high school graduating class.

And then I moved on, started doing junior colleges, you know.

That's where I met Mac's wife. But that's another story.

Well, I think that's fascinating.

Listen, the rain stopped.

Oh, come on, let's go outside.

Show me how to set up a shot.

Can I go too?

Oh, no, Bunny.

Oh, please. Mr. Unger and I want to be alone for a few moments.

Mr. Madison's going to take care of you.

This isn't right. You wanted to be with Julie.

Forget it. Listen, it's obvious she digs you. That happy hat routine must work.

You see, we have all kinds of modern lighting techniques, but we haven't been

able to beat Mother Nature, who supplies only one source of light. Felix, I

really don't want to talk about photography. I'd rather talk about you.

I was just getting rolling.

Oh, come on now. I know something's bothering you.

Oscar's a good friend, but he's got a big mouth.

Now, he knew that you were down, so he just asked me to cheer you up.

You really want to talk?

Sure. Come on, let's sit down and talk.

I'm bored.

Kids don't laugh at that kind of junk anymore.

It's not what's happening.

You should watch Sesame Street, Oscar.

Okay. Wait till you see my impression. You'll guess who this is in a second.

Wait till you see. All right, ready? Here we go. Oh, I'm going to go feed the

chickens, and I've got to feed the cow.

And then I'm going to meet the cows. And then I'm going to go down and see what

I can see from my old friend Cooper.

Donald Duck?

It ain't Donald Duck. It's Willa Brennan.

Don't you remember Willa Brennan with the shoulders and the leg? And look at

trying to explain to them who Willa Brennan is.

Felix is out there with a beautiful blonde. I'm in here getting bad reviews.

When I went to Gloria's to deliver the alimony check... Did you deliver your

alimony check?

That's when I saw her with another man. I got jealous.

Oh, I know the breakup was my fault. I'm compulsively neat.

I have a million allergies.

I thought I'd outgrown jealousy.

Oh, I don't think any of us ever outgrows jealousy.

In fact, I can see Oscar jealously watching us from the cabin.

What are you staring at, Mr. Madison?

Oh, nothing.

Hey, girls, I've got a great idea. How about something to eat? Come on, we'll

raid the icebox.

than a dancing moose.

Come on, Bunny.

No, thank you.

I told you she was weird.

I'm a little worried about you, too.

You know, Julie, you're a very nice girl.

Thank you.

You and Oscar could get along very well.

Oscar and me? Yeah.

I'm beginning to feel like a bouncing ball.

Listen, Oscar, I've got something to tell you. Yeah, well, I've got something

tell you. Bunny is missing.

What? Yeah, she's gone.

After my James Cagney impression, Bond, when we decided to play hide -and -seek,

later I took a head count and she was missing.

You sure?

Felix, I can count to three.

Okay, what are we going to do? Well, you go back to the cabin. Oscar and I will

find her. Oh, no, listen, I'm getting worried. Bunny is a good camper, but

going to get dark soon. We'll find her. All right, listen, maybe she headed back

east towards the camp.

All right, I'll go back and stay with the kids at the cabin.

Oh, good luck.

Let's head east. This way is east.

How do you know that?

Because the sun rises in the east and sets in the west.

How do you know that?

I just made it up.

Bonnie!

Bonnie!

Bonnie! My foot!

Oh, it's caught in quicksand. Help me, I'm stinking! I'm stinking!

Don't sink it! Your foot is stuck in a wet chuck hole. Pull it out.

Pull it out!

Buddy!

Now what?

I think I sprained a fist. It hurts. Then lean against the rock and I'll come

back and pick you up in a couple of days.

A couple of days? You're going to leave me here alone in a couple of days?

Felix, it's dangerous. Mud. Quick, Sam. There's more mud in your bedroom.

Why not?

Because I lost it.

You lost the compass?

Yeah, I lost the compass.

Listen, I got scared when that wild animal ran by. I dropped it in a lake.

wild animal was a rabbit.

Yeah, well, I hear they're very poisonous.

Buddy!

Buddy!

How's your little foot?

It's getting better. Can we rest now? No.

Yeah, don't worry about Oscar. He's just a humanitarian.

No, I think you and I better have a private little talk, young lady. You

have a private little talk with a ten -year -old in the middle of this

wilderness? That's right. Do you mind?

Oh, be my guest.

Now,

you know, you gave us quite a scare. I could shake you.

Even you?

Of course, even me.

Why did you run away?

Because you were jealous of somebody?

We were just beginning to know each other when Julie took you away.

Julie didn't take me away.

Anyway, I think I'm a little old to be a Romeo, don't you?

Although I'm very flattered.

That's how Todd Anderson felt, too.

Who?

Well, he was my boyfriend, but he broke up with me.

He said I was too young. He thinks he's really neat just because he's an A9.

So he gave his ring to Karen Foley.

She just got her braces off.

Well, that will age a young lady, won't it?

I guess it's immature to be jealous.

I think it is.

When you're jealous, you only hurt yourself.

You know, you're very wise.

I'm not so sure.

Okay.

Okay, okay.

Now, I'm through being a humanitarian. It's freezing cold. I got a net in my

pocket that's eating me up alive.

It's time to help Oscar.

Ready to face the world?

Okay, let's go. Mr. Unger, could we make a pact?

A pact?

Twenty years from today, if neither one of us is married, could we meet in front

of the Central Park Zoo at midnight?

It's a date.

Now all we have to do is find our way back to the cabin. Yeah.

Julie!

Julie!

I hope

you'll call me up next time you're in the mountains.

How about the next time you're in the city?

Oh, great. Let's exchange numbers.

I happen to have mine all written out.

I do, too.

The zoo in 20 years?

Oh. be there. He won't. He'll be about 80 by then.

Cindy, I want to take your picture.

Will you send me a copy?

No. Goodbye, Julie.

Thank you very much.

Bye, Oscar. Thanks, fellas. Bye, kids. Take care now. Bye, Bunny.

Isn't that Julie a wonderful person?

Yeah. She makes you want to help your fellow man.

You helped me this weekend. Thanks a lot. You made me forget.

You know.

It's okay for you.

I just happened to think about Blanche.

Oh, and that made you sad, huh?

Oh, it made me mad.

I just remembered I'm behind on my alimony payments. Knowing Blanche, that

I could end up in jail, which means I won't see Julie when I get back to the

city. It means I could spend the rest of my life in jail.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.