Original subtitles

There's a fire.

There's a fire.

There's a fire.

Why don't we act a little, old lady? I've got to stay free. Oscar, go back to

bed. There is no fire.

What's the matter? There's smoke all over the place. Not smoke.

It's medicated vapor for biologies.

Not too much oil of eucalyptus in my croup kettle.

Boy, I can see the headlines now. Oscar Madison dies in free group kettle fire.

I apologize for having allergies. Why don't you go smoke a cigar until the

clears?

It's the middle of the night. I got to get up early in the morning. I'm talking

to a man who looks like a little old lady. He's making sounds like a dying

buffalo. That does it, Felix. In the morning, I'm putting you up for

How come you got an attack?

I thought you went out with your ex -wife tonight.

I did. I went out with Gloria.

You allergic to her now?

Humor. That's what I need, humor.

I'm sorry, I lost my head. Hey, what really happened? What didn't happen?

I wanted it to be a great evening. It was the anniversary of our first date.

I made a reservation for the same table of the same restaurant.

We even had the same waiter, Claus.

He remembered me.

Oh, Kim, after all those years?

When a waiter has to give a customer artificial respiration, he remembers

You gotta do it again tonight.

Felix, you know what you're allergic to. Why would you eat something that's

going to give you another attack?

Well, I wanted to show Gloria I wasn't the same picky fuss -budget who used to

drive her crazy.

So I came out strong, casual, witty, devil -may -care.

And I forgot myself and ate mayonnaise.

I could hardly breathe.

I'm going to call Dr. Melnitz.

Oh, Dr. Melnitz is out of town.

How do you know that?

He always calls me before he leaves town.

He figures it's the least he could do considering all the business I give him.

Felix, you're sick and you need a doctor. Now you get into bed. Probably

sell me on punk fresh out of medical school.

I want my doctor to be a kindly, gentle, gray -haired old man.

In the middle of the night, you can't get Marcus Welby.

Is that the doctor?

It's either the doctor or a very polite burglar. I hope he's a good doctor.

Probably some gray -haired old man.

Hello, I'm Dr. Cunningham.

Hello.

Oh, nothing wrong.

Are you Mr. Unger?

No.

It's the first time in my life I wish I was.

On November 13th, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his place of

residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right, but he also knew that someday he would return

to her.

With nowhere else to go, he appeared at the home of his childhood friend, Oscar

Madison.

Sometime earlier, Madison's wife had thrown him out, requesting that he never

return. Can two divorced men share an apartment without driving each other

crazy?

Doctor for you.

Dr. Cunningham, Felix Unger. How do you do?

He's a woman.

Don't worry about that, Mr. Unger. I'm here as your physician, not your date.

Open, please.

Have you ever knew that Dr.

Mellon's had a female associate?

I'm new in the office.

I don't need a doctor. I'm fine.

Felix, stop being so stubborn, will you? Let her examine you. She came here in

the middle of the night.

I think maybe it would be easier for Mr. Unger if you left the room.

I'm not shy.

It's never been examined by a beautiful female doctor before.

So you got lucky.

I'll be in the living room if you need me. Right.

Under the tongue, please.

Before you examine me, I want to ask you something.

I'm not married.

Is that what you wanted to find out? Certainly not.

Never dream of asking a physician a question like that.

Patients have their ethics, too, you know.

Oh.

I think I understand what you mean now, Mr. Unger. I'm an honor graduate of an

accredited medical school.

I am a qualified specialist in internal medicine, and for the last three years,

I've practiced general medicine and orthopedics.

Where's the upper bacillary?

Here. Correct.

Now, may I take your temperature?

How was he, Doc?

Oh, he'll be fine. In a day or so, I gave him something to relieve his

and some prescriptions he can fill in the morning.

Listen, would you like some coffee? It's probably rotten because I made it, but

it's hot.

Okay.

It's been a rough night with Dr. Melnitz unavailable and the virus all over

town. There's cream, sugar, and coffee. No, thanks. I can take it back.

It's really not that bad. No, it's probably a little lousy. My specialty is

sardines on raisin bread toast and ketchup. I know it's too late for that,

besides we're out of ketchup.

You have some very interesting pictures in the hallway.

Oh, the sports room. Yeah, well, mostly baseball, Hall of Famers, and we have

some football, but that's my favorite over there.

I call it Pug Corner. Come here, I'll show it to you.

It's mostly old fighters that nobody remembers anymore, but I love them.

Gus Lesnovich.

Lee Oma.

Stanley Ketchell.

Tammy Moriello and Fritzie Vivick.

I don't believe it. I don't believe it. You only missed one.

Which one?

Now what?

Al Bummy Davis.

That's incredible.

That is incredible.

It is Bummy Davis.

You weren't even born when most of these guys were fighting. How do you know

him? I was a tomboy in a family of sports nuts.

I beat up Tiger Strakowski.

He was middleweight champ.

He was four and I was six.

I better be going.

Do you like hockey? I love it. I try to get out to see the Rangers play as often

as I can.

Well, I get great seats for all the Rangers games. You see, I'm a sports

I know.

You're a very fine sports writer, Mr. Madden. I always read your column.

You do? Yeah. That's very nice of you to say that.

Listen, I was wondering... I'd better be going. I have two more calls to make

tonight. I can't tell you how much I appreciate you coming. It was very nice

meeting you.

It was a pleasure meeting you, too, Mr. Manatee. Bye.

Bye. Oh, let me get the toilet.

Bye. Bye.

Oh, Bummy Davis.

How about that?

Now, you should have asked her to the game right then and there.

You had the stage all set, but then when you got your cue, you didn't say your

line. You jumped into the orchestra pit.

I got a new stage fright, Mr. DeMille. It can happen, you know. I mean, the

woman's a doctor and everything. She's in a different league than I am.

Don't drink milk out of the bottle. If you want a glass of milk, use a glass.

It doesn't taste good out of the bottle. I mean, you're in a different league.

You're a nice person.

Sloppy, but you're nice.

Must have something in common. We do.

I never met anybody like her.

Please sit down and eat your breakfast before it gets cold.

You're right, Felix.

I should have asked her to the hockey game.

Eat.

You think it's too late to ask her now?

You're a grown man. You know the answer to your own question. Eat.

Yeah, but how am I supposed to call her? I don't know what number. I don't know

where she lives. I'd better forget the whole thing. How'd you call her last

night? Well, then I called Dr. Mullins. Dr.

Mullins!

You're going to call her now?

Eat your breakfast and call her later.

Dr. Mullins' office?

I'd like to speak to Dr. Cunningham, please.

Well, this is Oscar Madison. I know Dr. Melnitz.

Well, can't you come to the phone? It'll only take a minute.

You like ice -cold eggs?

No,

I was speaking at three o 'clock.

Yeah, I guess so.

Okay.

Well?

It's misunderstood.

She made an appointment for me at 3 o 'clock.

Oh?

Why be unhappy?

Go to the office and you'll ask her to go to the game.

At her office?

Yes. If you're going to see a doctor, I think an office is a very good place to

see one.

You really think I ought to go?

How do you feel?

Terrible.

Go.

Mr. Skydacker, would you hurry up, please? We have another patient waiting

get in this room.

Remove your clothes, please. Put on the examination robe and we don't validate

parking. Remove my clothes? Are you serious? Of course I'm serious.

You don't expect a doctor to examine you through the coat, do you? Yeah, but

see, there's really no need for an examination. Can you tell Dr. Cunningham

come in just for a second? It's kind of personal.

Listen, we have sick patients outside.

If you're real, the doctor will see you.

I hope you have the time for you now.

Put the toys in the rack.

Mr. Madison is waiting in room 23, Doctor.

These are for you.

You brought me flowers?

Mr. Melnitz, what are you doing here?

This is my office.

I'm a doctor.

See my stethoscope?

I wanted to talk to Dr. Cunningham.

You know.

Oh.

All right, I'll get Nancy.

But believe me, in the middle of a flu epidemic, a doctor's office is no place

for sweet talk.

Dr. Mellis, this is the lab report on Mrs. Pitler. Hi.

Well, hi, Mr. Madison. Did you come down with something since last night?

Well, it was, um... Have a nice time.

Then give old man Colucci a nice basal metabolism.

Well, what seems to be the trouble?

Well, I have this pain in the arm, and whenever I... Whenever I

tell a lie, which is what I'm doing now, there's nothing wrong with me.

There's nothing wrong with you.

No, no, I'm fine. Oh, these are for you.

Excuse me, Dr.

Cunningham. I thought this room would be vacant by now.

Come on, Mr. Wilson.

Mr. Madison, we're busy here. We're really busy.

I can't be entertaining gentlemen callers.

Well, I tried to talk to you on the telephone, but they wouldn't put me

See, I thought since we had so much in common that... Mr.

Lovrano's waiting for his penicillin shot. Oh, I'll be right with him.

There's a great hockey game. I thought if you weren't doing it... Oh, and Mrs.

Davis just told. Her kid has had the hiccups for ten hours.

She's bringing them right over.

Oh, what were you saying?

Nothing. I wasn't saying anything.

Oh, yes. No, I'm sorry. I don't date my patients.

I'm not sick. I'm healthy as an ox.

Dr. Cunningham, you need an x -ray.

Oh, right away.

It's a madhouse. Thanks for the flowers.

You can get dressed now, Mr. Madison.

Dr. Cunningham's through with you.

Don't rub my knee.

Is Oscar down there at the station playing poker with you guys?

No, it's just that it's not like him to be this late and not call.

Oh, Murray, I think that an all -points bulletin would be a little bit

premature. Here he is. Never mind, Murray. Thanks a lot.

Well, the prodigal...

Since you left the doctor's office. I took a walk in the park. Listen, Felix,

this deluge for five hours, are you out of your mind? I wanted to commune with

nature without the threat of muggers. I wanted to think, and I got it, Felix.

You got pneumonia.

No, I got a way to get to Nancy. She wouldn't give you a date? Give me a

She was too busy to even take my dose.

There, you'll mill you the velour. You can't. The smell reminds you. Come on,

get up. Felix, my great idea is you. Look at him dripping. Me? Yeah. See, I

think Nancy likes me, but she is so wrapped up in her work, I can't get a

to talk.

What are you saying? What do you want me to do?

Get sick.

What?

You're going to sit on the bed in your wet clothes? Forget that. You get sick,

right? Then you call the doctor.

Nancy makes the house call. I get her alone. I get a chance to talk to her.

about it?

The woman almost got me 100 % well. Now you want me to lie to her?

What are you making such a big deal out of it for?

Getting sick is as natural for you as breathing. You do it for nothing. What's

wrong with doing it for a friend?

Friendship is friendship. But I'm not going to make my good health a pawn in

your game of love.

This whole conversation's making me sick.

Oh, boy, it's not going to kill you, Felix.

You're allergic to a million things.

Listen, why don't you do me a favor? Go pet Mrs. Glick's cat. Or drink some

delicious raspberry soda. Where will he...

Eat mayonnaise, huh?

Why don't you take a gun and shoot me?

Got you cold.

Hey, smell paint.

Felix, they're painting for you.

Come down. One sniff and you'll swell up like a toad.

Okay,

I was a rat.

I know how you hate to get sick and I shouldn't have asked you. I'm sorry.

I haven't even completely recovered from yesterday's attack.

I still have a buzzing in my face.

You're smoking a cigar in a sick room?

I have no place to put it.

Well, hold it, but don't puff it.

Because what can I do to make it up? You're having that supper. You want a

sandwich? I'm exhausted, but I'm starved.

What kind of sandwich do you want?

Unifish on whole wheat. Great.

Oscar. Yeah?

Wash the cigar off your hands before you make it. Yeah, I'll scrub up. I'll

scrub up.

Oscar, dose the bread.

Slice off the edges.

Butter one piece and then salt it lightly.

Yeah, you won't even taste the salt.

Oscar. Yeah.

Be sure you drain the tuna fish thoroughly and then mash it with a fork

put it on the bread.

We end the please, buddy. You won't taste the drop of oil.

Don't forget the fork.

Isn't that funny? It's just what I'm doing, mashing it with a fork.

Oscar? Yeah?

Put a crispy piece of lettuce in the sandwich, please.

An inner leaf.

Is there any other kind?

And, Oscar?

What? And squeeze some lemon on the tuna.

A soup so on the moon.

Oscar? Yeah?

Hold the mayo.

Hey, I'm holding it. I'm holding the mayo, all right?

Isn't that a crime that I can't enjoy mayonnaise like everybody else?

Oh, no, I couldn't do that, too.

Oscar? Yes, Felix?

Put a couple of olives on the side and a stalk of celery if you don't mind.

And, Oscar, hurry up. I'm starved.

It's really a nice gesture on your part, Oscar.

Maybe quite a start there.

And your sandwich, Felix, like you ordered.

Oh, it looks perfect.

This is odd, isn't it?

What's odd, buddy?

If I got sick again, you'd see Nancy again.

And there you were in the kitchen, out of my sight, preparing this sandwich.

What are you talking about?

It's an odd situation, that's all.

Can I have a glass of milk?

Sure, a glass of milk on the double.

You're a good friend, Oscar.

Don't eat that sandwich!

What's the matter? I spiked it with mayonnaise.

Oh, no.

I got enough mayonnaise in there to wipe out the house of our... Oh, you can't

find it. I cleverly hid it under the lettuce leaf. Oh, Oscar.

Oscar. Oscar.

How could you? It was a rotten thing to do. That Nancy girl's got me crazy.

I can understand the torment that brought you to this.

And I appreciate that you stopped me before it was too late.

And I forgive you. Thank you, Felix.

But I am appalled that you would even consider such a thing.

I don't know what I'm doing. I must be in love.

I'm in love. You're sick.

Hey, you're burning up with fever.

You've got the bug. Get into bed. I don't have the bug. Get into bed. I'm

to call a doctor. No, no, no. Don't call a doctor. Don't call Nancy. She

wouldn't come anyway. I don't want to see you. I'll call another doctor. Now

into bed.

Hey, Felix, you're right. I do feel lousy. Even my fingernails hurt. No

you're sick living in this room.

Come on, get out of your clothes properly.

Felix, do me a favor, will you?

Phone book's under the bed. Look in the yellow pages for a doctor.

You'd select a physician at random from the yellow pages?

You wouldn't choose a TV repairman that way.

TV is a delicate instrument. Look through the pages and find me a pill

will you?

I don't care what his name is as long as it's not Nancy Cunningham.

Is this Dr. Mellon's service?

This is Felix Unger.

Hello, Elizabeth.

Much better, thank you.

Elizabeth, it's very important that I get in touch with Dr. Cunningham right

away.

You must know where to reach her.

Could you put me through to her?

Hello? Yes, Mr. Unger.

Oscar needs a doctor right away.

I'm sorry, but I'm not on call tonight, Mr. Unger. As a matter of fact, I'm

already out having dinner with someone.

But this is not for a date.

Well, there's another doctor on call.

I don't want another doctor.

It's very important that you come.

You're making a very large mistake, doctor.

Good night, Mr. Unger.

Dr. Cunningham, your attitude is not acceptable.

Dr.

Cunningham?

Dr. Melnitz! I don't know why, but I had a feeling I was going to see you

tonight. Mr.

Unger, I told you on the phone I was having dinner.

So I see.

Well, I never thought I'd see my own Dr.

Kvortek. What Kvortek?

Two doctors put in a 14 -hour day, stop in for a nice meal, and all of a sudden

it's bait in place?

I'm sorry if I jumped to conclusions, but the indications?

The indications were hunger -unger.

Now what's the problem?

Nerves?

Sinuses? Vacuum? No, it's not me. It's Oscar.

His flowers wilted. Forget it, Dr. Melnick. Mr. Madison and his friend are

playing romantic games.

No, we're not. He's really sick. He's got a 103 fever. He's got to have a

doctor.

All right, what's one more hour? I was too tired to eat anyway. No, no, no, not

you. It's got to be Dr.

Cunningham. Now, look, Mr. Unger, I told you on the phone, if your friend is

really sick, there's another doctor on call.

Excuse me.

Let's dance.

Dance?

Why would I want to dance?

I'm not going to take no for an answer.

It's your fault that he got sick in the first place.

My conscience is perfectly clear. No, it's not. You know perfectly well he's

infatuated with you. He humiliated himself by coming to your office. It was

only place where he could see you. And then after you rejected him, he went for

a walk in the rain for five hours. And that's how he caught the bug.

He did.

All right.

I'd rather make a house call than keep on dancing.

No, no, Dr. Melnitz. I'll go.

This is a trick.

I swear on my hypochondriacal.

You sure you don't mind being left alone?

My ambition for 60 years has been to be left alone.

Hmm. 103.

You got the bug all right. Yeah.

I'd have to be a heck of an actor to be faking this.

Listen, I'm sorry the room is such a wreck, but, you know, what with being

and everything, I'm telling you another lie, because my room is always a mess.

So is my office.

No kidding.

No kidding.

Listen, I want you to take two of these every four hours.

It won't make much of a difference, but it'll give you something to do.

Thank you.

I'm sorry about coming to your office yesterday like I did.

It's okay.

I'm sorry I was so abrupt.

No, you were right. You were right.

You know, I'm worried about something.

What? I've got something serious, right? No, no, no, no, no. You've just got a

good case of the flu.

I'm worried you won't be well by Wednesday.

What's Wednesday?

My next night off.

And if you're sick, you can't take me to dinner.

Yeah? Yeah.

I bet I look so handsome in debonair you can't resist me, huh?

I could resist you.

You rest now.

Wednesday?

Wednesday.

And you better be well. I told you I don't date my patients.

Are you kidding? I'm as healthy as an arch!

That looks great.

I like it. Felix gave me the recipe.

Felix, are you kidding?

I'm still working on how you got him to let you in the kitchen.

I have to knock before entering.

You all right?

Excuse me.

Here we go.

I usually taste it first, but I know this is good work.

Here we go.

Felix, what are you doing?

You said you were going to stay out late with Gloria tonight. I tried to call

you. The phone's out of order.

I took it off the hook because I didn't want to be disturbed.

What's the matter, Felix?

Gloria's sick.

She's got the bug. Call a doctor.

I tried.

Melnitz is out.

She's really sick. She's burning up with fever.

Felix! She's got to have a doctor.

I'm sorry, Oscar. It shouldn't take too long. Why don't you and Felix eat the

dinner and I'll come back for a nightcap? No, no, no. I'll take you over

in a cab.

Don't be silly. This is an imposition. No, I'll go along with you, and I'll

you exactly what to do. Now, Gloria is a very delicate woman, but she responds

well to medication. However, she does have a sensitivity to penicillin. So my

advice... Just give me the address.

145 Central Park West.

Thank you.

Okay. Hurry back!

Well!

That's a load off my mind.

Ew.