Original subtitles

Open up. I can't find my key.

Felix, open up.

What?

Felix? I'm coming.

Stop yelling. I'm coming.

Do you know what time it is?

Don't quiz me. I'm exhausted.

It's 2 o 'clock in the morning.

Where have you been for the last two days?

Canada.

Canada?

What are you doing there?

Visiting our American youth.

Not funny?

They sent me to Ottawa to cover the international curling championship.

Curling? I didn't know hairdressers had their own sport.

Not that kind of curling. A guy slides what looks like a big rock with a handle

across the ice and two guys sweep stuff away from him. That certainly sounds

fascinating. I knew you'd love it if it involved sweeping.

I think you're going to call me. Tell me where you were.

Don't start with me, will you?

I've spent two sleepless nights in a cold Montreal hotel.

I'm going to get a cup of coffee. I'm going to go to bed. I've got to be up by

four. Covered with twine, I'd doubleheader. If you're so tired, you

drinking coffee.

I need the energy to go to sleep.

Felix.

Your clothes are wrinkled.

I sleep in them.

I've never seen your clothes wrinkled before.

I know this.

This isn't the best time to tell you. You're tired.

No, no, no. I want you to tell me.

If it's important enough for you to wrinkle your clothes, I want to know

is. It's Albert.

You're taken sick.

He may not make it.

Albert's sick? He may not make it?

Oh, my gosh. Poor Ethel.

Ethel who?

Albert's wife.

Albert who?

Albert Fernstead.

I'm talking about Albert, my parrot.

You're a pirate.

You scared me half to death. You got yourself wrinkled all over because of a

pirate. I'm terribly sorry if you're disappointed that it isn't Albert

Furtstead.

This Albert happens to mean an awful lot to me.

Yeah, but he's a pirate.

And he's sick.

I'll just look at him.

I'd be sick taking him to a vet. I did.

Bess said there's nothing to worry about.

I don't like the way he looks. I told you that the day you got him. You never

liked Albert, did you?

I still like him. From the day he arrived, he took over our house.

You never cook our dinner until you cook his dinner.

You put the evening paper in his cage before I get at it. You ever try reading

paper after a parrot's been at it?

You want to talk about the time your precious Albert took a piece out of my

A little nip. A little nip. I had to wear a corn plaster for a week. The vet

gave me medicine for him, but it keeps getting worse. It doesn't look good.

Good? You know, you're a cruel man.

I'm cruel.

I... Ah, listen, Felix, if you cared about this bird, I mean, if you really

cared about him, you'd give him his freedom.

Yes. You'd just give him a little toss, let him fly out to his freedom. He's too

sick to fly. He'd fall.

So much the better.

I just don't understand how a big man can hate a little parrot.

No, it's not so much that that bird nips my ear, it's that you pamper him too

much. I don't pamper him. Yes, you do.

Drink out of a glass, for goodness sake.

What are you begging to dissolve?

Nothing. Oh, it's something. What is it? It's nothing. It's nothing. What are

you begging? Come on. What are you... Oh.

A little bird seed cupcake in the shape of a heart.

I thought it might encourage him to eat.

Then you should have made it in the shape of an ear. Those I know he's

to. You know your sadistic tendency to come out when you're tired? Good night,

Peter.

Morning already?

Gee, I feel like I didn't have any sleep at all.

It's time for Albert's medicine, every hour on the hour.

Well, don't set the alarm for me. I'm going to sleep till I hear the uproar.

Playboy! No, you can't go to sleep. Can't you watch me give the best

you ever saw? I need you to help me.

Please, you've got to help me get Albert his medicine.

It's too difficult to do by myself.

You're always telling me how smart that bird is. Get him to give you a hand.

Good night.

I'm not asking this for myself.

I'm asking it for Albert. He hates his medicine and he bites at the dropper.

Then you know what he did to my ear.

Then it's on your head.

Felix, that quack vet said he was all right. You take the word of a quack?

a professional quack.

Listen, that bird will live just to spite me.

But I'll tell you something. I don't care whether he lives or not. I want to

some sleep. Good night.

Is that your last word?

Good night was my last word.

What about my bird?

Stuff him.

I hope you're happy.

What is it? What is it? I get here late? You heard me.

I hope you're happy.

You got your wish.

I got my wish. One wish. One wish. What time is it?

Albert passed on.

Did you hear what I said?

Albert has passed on. Oh, the parrot. Is that six o 'clock in the morning?

You wished him dead, and now he's dead. And you don't feel the least bit guilty,

do you?

Oh, I feel very sorry about your bird, but I've got to get some sleep.

You can go back to sleep like nothing's happened? It's six o 'clock.

You said it would make you happy, and I hope it makes you happy.

Go on.

Go back to sleep.

Live it up!

I need some coffee.

No, no, that's all right.

I've got to keep busy.

Ah,

my beautiful pigeon sister.

Three hours of sleep never seems to be enough.

Oh, is that a single?

Excuse me.

Hey, what's the matter?

You look great.

And you smell marked.

Hey, what do you say tonight I drop by your place, we have a couple of drinks,

few laughs, huh? You can laugh at a time like this?

Not at a time like this, a time like tonight. What do you say? That's the

insensitive, unfeeling thing I've ever heard in my life.

What is it? Guy gets up in the morning, two of his best friends hate him.

Felix, will you tell him I'm not such a monster?

I'm afraid I can't do that, Oscar.

Will somebody tell me what's going on? Have you forgotten about Albert?

I forgot, yeah.

I'm sorry, Cecily.

I'm sorry, Gwen, I just forgot you.

You know how a guy tries to push out bad thoughts, unpleasant thoughts. He wants

to push them out.

I'm sorry.

Well, I suppose I understand.

Good. Now, about tonight, I'll bring up a couple of bottles of wine.

You're not a nice person. You really have me fooled.

You always presented this cold, heartless exterior.

I never realized before that you were just being honest.

Wait a minute. I got feelings here, too.

Yes. Yes. Oh, yes. You better exercise your feelings with somebody else.

I liked Albert from the very beginning.

It's been the talk of the apartment building.

I never wanted any harm to come to Albert. You've got to believe me.

don't try to get round me.

Look, a guy says things he doesn't mean always. I didn't mean those things I

said about Albert. Don't alibi.

It's yourself you have to live with. Oh, so true.

That was a good one, Felix.

Oh, leave me alone.

What do I have to do to prove I'm sorry?

Sadness ought to bring people together.

All right.

We forgive you, too.

Thank you. You're welcome.

Thanks, Felix.

Have you made any arrangements for the, uh... funeral?

Hmm? The funeral.

No, I hadn't.

I just hadn't... What do you... What do you do with...

You know?

Most people just... Well, you know.

No, I don't know. What she means is... What's wrong?

No, I don't know.

They mean throw him away.

You just said it first.

I suppose that's all we can do.

Where is he?

The bag you bought is birdseed, and we'd have loved that.

Well, come on.

Let's get it over with.

Albert would have wanted it that way.

This is how it all ends.

In the garbage. Oh, don't think of it like that, Felix.

Just think how happy Albert will be up there in Parrot Paradise.

Well... Albert!

I want to say something first.

Look out below!

You better get like Albert.

Now look, I feel guilty enough as in his dumbing... This whole thing is wrong.

He shouldn't just be thrown into the garbage. How would you like to be dumped

into the garbage? Oh, he'll come. Comfortable in familiar surroundings.

Who am I to waste their heavy? It wasn't my idea to put them in the trash.

What would you do with them? Me? I'd put them in the trash.

What else are we supposed to do? We can give him a decent burial.

That's right.

No, Albert would want a decent burial. Oh, you want a decent burial? Yes. Fine.

There's only one problem. What? In all of New York, I can't think of one piece

of unpaid ground.

Oh, you'll find somewhere. I know you will. Oh, no, no, no. No, no, I don't

the time for this. By four o 'clock, I've got to be at the ballpark. I've got

watch the Mets slaughter the Cardinals.

It's a baseball team. No, but you've got to help Felix.

He can't do it alone.

What about you?

Oh, we'd do anything in the world for you, Felix. You know we would.

But? It's just that we have an appointment with the hairdresser.

I understand.

I understand, too. It means I'm starved. You don't have to do anything you don't

want to. I want to.

Listen, we can't keep the manicurist waiting. Oscar, Oscar, please.

Don't be irreverent.

Bye -bye, Felix.

Bye, Felix.

Bye, Albert.

Hey,

Felix, have I got a great idea.

We'll bury Albert at sea. Parrots are supposed to love the sea.

Well, if that's so.

Very sensitive thought.

Yeah, you know what? We're going to bury Albert in the East River. That's a

wonderful idea. And we won't even need the shovel.

Oh, yes, we will. Have you seen the East River lately?

You want to say any last words? I don't know.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I just can't bear it.

Will you look at that water?

Don't scare him. I won't do it.

Come on. What are you doing? It's a bird. Where else would you put him? Pick

up.

Take him out of there, please.

Why didn't we think of the zoo before, walking around for three hours?

I'm sorry. It was my fault, but I hated the river.

Forget it. I just hated it. I hated the river.

It'd be just like throwing Albert in the garbage only with it.

Since we're here, let's get it over with, okay? Oh, this is nice, isn't it?

Nice place, so serene.

But I don't think it's going to matter to Albert.

He's as serene as he's going to get.

I don't know. I don't know.

Well, I do. Oh, I see a great spot.

Here, you take Albert. I'll go get the spot.

Hey, knock it off.

Ma 'am?

Please. Look, I don't make the laws. I just enforce them.

And you can't do no... digging in the... park.

Oh.

The clothes.

I haven't worn so much, I forget I'm wearing them. I'm not surprised you'd

to.

I do my duty. What is your duty? I'm looking for sex maniacs.

This is supposed to fool them. Fooled us.

no idea in New York.

I'm the only one left. And the only reason I'm here is because my sergeant

me. That's rough.

I hate him. But I get to deduct all addresses off my income tax.

Uh, how come you're digging in a park? I want to bury something.

What? Albert.

Who's Albert and where is he?

He's in here.

All of him? He's a parrot.

What?

Oh, your pet, huh?

Gee, that's a shame.

Poor little guy.

Wish I could help you, but you can't bury him in the park. Oh, come on, give

a break, will you? We've been searching for three hours. It's the only soft spot

in all of New York.

You should take him to a pet cemetery.

Take him to a what?

A pet cemetery.

Oh, come on, will you? It's the nicest thing, and if you really love your

It's a great idea.

I think it's the stupidest thing I ever heard.

I don't think it's stupid.

I don't think it's stupid, but I'll bet it's expensive. Are you going to argue

with the officer or are you going to ask directions to the mortuary?

I wonder if I can get Donald Duck to do the eulogy.

Wow. What a creepy -looking joint. Come on, Felix, let's get out of here.

May I be of some service?

I am Mr. Humus, the director.

Yes, we've suffered a loss.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Was he a member of the household, or did you keep him in the yard?

Household. A parrot.

Albert.

This way, please.

And now then, what kind of service did you have in mind?

Excuse me.

Just remember, I don't have any money with me. Can I borrow the money? Felix,

this is insanity. Why don't we drop the bird on the desk and get out of here?

Please? Okay, but no borrowing. I'll pay for it. Oh, no, I wouldn't think of it.

Felix! Felix!

I just want to get it over with. I'll give him the $25 and we'll get out of

here. There you go.

He was on me.

Okay, let's go.

Just one moment. There are a few details.

What price range did you have in mind for the casket?

Well, whatever price range is included in the 25 bucks.

The price of the casket is not included.

This is our Eldorado line.

Now, that is made of solid mahogany with ivory handles.

This one is pine with brass handles. We call it our executive line. Oh, that's

beautiful. Is that the price?

Well, what's your cheapest one?

That one.

What do you call that?

Paper mache. We don't even bother to give it a name.

Now then, can I put you down for the... Cheap one.

The medium -priced one.

Very well.

Okay, let's go, Felix.

One more thing.

Granite or marble?

Granite or marble what?

The headstone.

You're putting me off!

This is some kind of a joke, isn't it? Mr. Madison, you are obviously not a pet

person. But I'm sure there is something that you care about.

Outside of money.

Yeah, well, which headstone is included in the 25 bucks?

Neither one, I'm afraid. The inexpensive one.

Is that it? I think so. Okay, Felix, let's go. One more thing.

All we have to do now is to decide on the location of the lot.

Now, for just a few more dollars, we can have an excellent view lot overlooking

the statue of Bambi or perhaps somewhere near Rin Tin Tin.

I think we'll take... I think we'll take a walk is what we're going to take.

There's a lot of extras around here, Mr. The only thing you can get for $25 is a

receipt. No matter what, Albert is not going to get a limousine possession.

I want to remember where you are.

I remember where I am. I'm $150 in a hole.

Mr. Anderson, I can understand that this is your hour of grief, but you must be

practical. The shorter your outburst, the quicker you can leave.

Next question.

Yes, when would you like to have the deceased interred? Soon as possible.

Good.

Immediately then.

Now, how many of...

Friends of the deceased can we expect?

I beg your pardon?

How many mourners?

Well, um... There's, um... I suppose the doctor?

Pigeon sisters?

Pigeon sisters?

They're people! They're people!

Well, it does seem so hollow when the deceased bids farewell to this world

his peers are not there to see him off.

Did he have any bird friends?

Albert had no peers. He was a giant among birds, and they resented him for

No mourners. No mourners.

It's so sad.

What a waste.

Money down the drain.

Oscar.

I feel terrible.

I had no idea that his illness was so serious.

Don't blame yourself.

But I obviously made the wrong diagnosis.

We know so little.

Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here

today

To bid farewell to... 150 bucks.

To Albert.

Beloved pet to Felix Unger.

Friend of Oscar Madison.

Gwendolyn Cecily Pigeon. You remembered us.

And Dr. Maurice Schneider.

You did remember to give him his medicine, didn't you?

Every hour on the hour.

The mysteries of life have once again reached full circle.

Every hour? Four drops every hour, just as you instructed.

Hey, fellas, when you keep it down, it's a very expensive funeral.

I told you to give him one drop every four hours.

No wonder he overdosed.

You mean it was my fault?

What we must try to understand is that death is part of life, and that we, the

living, must learn that death is not the end of life.

but merely a step, a step toward a truer, richer, fuller ending.

And if we shed tears for Albert, are we not only shedding tears for ourselves?

Albert?

Albert?

Stop the funeral!

Its lock must be stuck. Locks cost extra.

He's standing up. He's alive.

It's a miracle.

He seems all right.

All that medicine you gave him, he must have been in a coma.

Albert.

Oh, look out the ear.

Come back, Albert.

Albert.

Albert, you come back here.

Albert. I liked him better when he was dead.

I'm sorry that things didn't work out better. It would have been such a nice

funeral. Yeah, but since we're not going to have a funeral, I'd like to have my

money back, please.

I'm sorry, it's not refundable.

But the bird's alive!

Well, you can hardly blame me for that.

Now, if you'll excuse me... Hold it.

Nobody move.

Just hold it.

What are you doing?

It's my fly.

My pet fly.

On with the funeral.

Oh, do you think the Better Business Bureau would find it ridiculous?

I see.

Diddy, deceased, had a name.

Saul.

Saul.

Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here today to bid farewell to Saul,

beloved fly of Oscar Madison.

Now, we all know that life is not...

One long beauty.

Good morning, Felix.

Why am I hungry? How do you feel?

I didn't sleep 30 seconds last night.

With Albert?

Yeah.

I've felt this rotten since my divorce.

Oh, sure.

He was born free and now he can live free. He was born in a pet shop and he

lived there all his life.

He's probably a lot happier anyway.

Met a girl, parrot, fell in love.

He was always happy here.

Just not like him to this day.

There's nothing in the obituary comments, is there?

Did you hear something?

Yeah, my stomach's growling. I'm starving.

Can it be?