Original subtitles

Boy, am I nervous.

How do I look? Wow, sensational.

Really? I can't believe how nervous I am.

Why?

Haven't you ever been a best man before?

No, just a groom and an usher.

Well, I know you failed as a groom. How'd you go as an usher? Oh, it's very

funny.

Weren't you nervous at your wedding?

No, I was too mad to be nervous. Mad?

Yeah. Blanche purposely scheduled our wedding on the same day as an all -star

baseball game.

I'm probably the only man in America who prayed for his wedding to be rained

out.

What are you going to do this afternoon? Oh, I got a great day planned without

you. I'm going to hang around for a couple of hours.

Then I'm going to have a few beers.

And then I'm going to watch the ball game. That sounds nice.

You know the rules. No golfing on the carpet.

That's what I mean without you. Come on, Felix, please. No, put it away.

Put it away?

In the closet. Will you go to the wedding already?

I'm going to be late.

And don't forget, you'll water the plants and you'll put out the trash.

don't forget to congratulate the groom and kiss the bride for him, all right?

Now, Felix, try not to cry.

You know what the problem is?

This living room has a downhill lie that breaks to the left.

See, for the kind of rent I paid...

They keep the greens in better condition.

that you were Felix Unger. I can't see through this veil.

I'm not Felix Unger. I can see that.

Where is he? Where is he?

That rat!

That rat! He ruined my marriage!

You come out of there, Felix!

Oh!

He ruined my marriage before it even was a marriage. Come on! Where is he?

He's supposed to be at a wedding.

Oh, your wedding is the wedding, huh?

I'm Phyllis Parker.

How do you do, Oscar Madison?

I would have been Mrs. Harvey Bixley by now, but Felix ruined all that.

You mean he didn't show up?

That's what I mean.

That's terrible.

Felix knows you can't have a wedding without a best man.

It's even harder without a groom.

You mean Harvey didn't show up either?

You sure you put the right church on the invitation?

I put the right church. I printed it myself.

Calm down.

Would you like a cup of coffee?

A drink?

Would you like to putt a little?

Oh.

They knew when it was supposed to be.

It was supposed to be today, and they didn't show up. And it's all Felix's

fault. Well, it breaks to the left. You have to compensate.

Thanks.

Now, if you could tell me what Felix had to do with Harvey not showing up for

the wedding.

He had everything to do with it.

This is not the first time that I've been stood up at the altar.

Really?

I'm not as young as I look.

Seven years ago, exactly, the same thing happened to me.

Only then I had a beehive hairdo.

Oh, I can't concentrate when my whole world is falling apart.

I'm 30 years old, and if I've lost Harvey Bixley, then it's all over for

come on, Phyllis, you're a very attractive girl.

Would you like to marry me?

This is so sudden, I hardly know you.

Phyllis, that's a silly question.

See, that's what I mean.

Harvey was my last shot.

Besides, I love him.

If Felix blew this for me, I'm going to get him.

Maybe if you told me what Felix has to do with Harvey not showing up at the

wedding, I could understand it better.

It was last evening.

We were having a wedding rehearsal.

The minister was there.

Harvey was there.

And my third cousin.

Well, I'm not too crazy about it.

She's the maid of honor.

I didn't want her to be the maid of honor. No, I wanted Ruth Kulik, but Miss

Shot was all tied up with a supperware party and she couldn't make it.

Get to Felix.

Was he there last night?

He was there.

We were in the minister's study, see?

We were right in the middle of a dress rehearsal.

All right, we'll pretend the singer has just finished Red Sails and the Sunset.

Our groom and best man have moved into position, and now the organ starts. Here

comes the bride. All eyes turn towards the rear. Yes.

You say we enter after Red Sails and the Sunset?

Yes. The singer finishes.

La -da -da -da -da -da, safely to me.

And the groom and best man enter.

Something wrong?

No, it's just that in other weddings I've been in, we entered during Red

and the Sunset.

Well, actually, as I love you truly, but what's the difference?

The song is different, but the principle is the same.

What church was that?

I think that was Methodist.

Here you enter after the song.

All right. The organ starts to play.

Here comes... I'm sorry.

You're right. You're right, and I'm wrong. No, in those other weddings, I

enter during the song, but I wasn't the best man. I was an usher, and I lit

candles during the song. You're right, and I was wrong. I'm sorry.

Fine.

Now we'll pretend the organ is playing Here Comes the Bride.

All eyes turn toward the back.

Will the maid of honor start down the aisle, please?

The bride and the father.

Fine, fine, fine. Now here, I'll make a few general remarks.

Dearly beloved, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Then the father steps back.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And the best man gives the

to the groom.

I don't have it.

You're not supposed to have it. It's only the rehearsal. Right.

Just pretend, you know, pantomime.

Now, just repeat after me.

With this ring, I thee wed.

With this ring, I thee wed.

I think it would be better if we limited participation to the groom.

Sorry. I'm terribly sorry.

With this ring, I'd be wed. With this ring, I'm terribly sorry.

Oh, Felix, I'm sorry.

What's wrong?

What's going on here?

It's all my fault. Oh, we know that.

It's my wedding. What is that awful noise he's making?

It's his sinuses. He's always done that. He's always done that, and you asked

him to be our best man?

I'm sorry.

Oh, it's all right, Felix.

Tell him it's all right. What if he does that tomorrow?

My sister isn't flying in from Tulsa to hear that awful noise.

I'm sorry, Phyllis.

It's just that I... You could have had Norman Sinclair as your best man. He has

a sinus condition, but all he does is blow his nose.

The man is upset. Can't you see that the man is upset?

I can hear that.

Uh, Felix?

Hey, Felix, uh, what's the matter with you?

Just this lovely ceremony.

Reminds me of the one Gloria and I had.

Gloria? Gloria's his ex -wife.

Oh, no wonder. He probably made that awful noise at his own wedding.

Such a lovely wedding.

Remember the beautiful little flower girl who later testified against me at

divorce?

I wish you could have been at our wedding.

Even the caterer said it was a lovely wedding, and he knows weddings.

Oh, it's so sad.

Everything begins so beautifully and ends so badly.

Felix depressed everyone so much with the description of his own marriage that

he even had my own parents contemplating divorce.

Come on, Phyllis. I know Felix better than anyone.

And he's a pain, but I can't believe it's all his fault. Well, it had to be

because, well, Harvey's never made a decision on his own in his whole life.

Harvey, well, he's a jellyfish.

But he's the only jellyfish in my sea.

Hello, Phyllis. Oh, where is he? What have you done with Harvey? I'm sure we

settle this in a civilized manner. I'm sorry.

Oh, yesterday you were sorry about the rehearsal. Today you're sorry about the

wedding. Would you like to stick around and try for the children?

Phyllis, what can I say?

You can say that Harvey is ready to get married.

I can't say that.

Where is he?

I went by his apartment this morning to pick him up, and he wasn't there. Where

was he? I didn't know.

Even his mother didn't know. And then it came to me. It dawned like a flash of

lightning from the sky.

Where has he gone all his life, whenever he had a problem?

To the movies. Yes, he proposed to me during the intermission of Dr. Zhivago.

And sure enough, there he was, in the loges of the One More Time.

One More Time?

It's the name of the theater. They show old classic films.

Will you put these away?

Did you ask him why he didn't show up at the wedding? I tried, but people

wouldn't let us talk. They kept shushing us. They made us move to the balcony.

Will you wait till I get a tape recorder? Because nobody's going to

entire conversation.

What did he say in the balcony?

Well, not much at first. The movie was A Man and a Woman. That's a classic film,

Oscar. It's a beautiful love story about... A man and a woman. I picked it

from the title.

He just kept... staring at the screen and saying, why can't it be like that

me? Is he still doing that? Oh, that picture's ruined my life.

Will you tell us what Harvey said about the wedding?

He said he didn't want to get married.

I tried, Phyllis. I tried.

Oh, Felix Unger, I'll never forgive you.

Only two other people in the whole world have said that to me.

You and my ex -wife.

Yeah, but I didn't really mean it, Felix. Well, that's it. I may as well

out of the human race.

Having Felix Unger for a friend is a jinx. Well, Felix, having you for a

is not exactly like having a rabbit's foot in your pocket. But it's not a

Well, that's it.

It's all over for me.

I have no place to go.

I realized that when I rang for the elevator.

My lease on the apartment was up this morning.

I already moved my stuff to Harvey's.

The only place that I fit in is the front window of a bakery.

Ah!

Don't you touch me, you jinx!

Phyllis, you're overexcited. Why don't you go in the bedroom and lay down?

Because I don't want to mess up my hairdo.

Cost me $12 .50.

A crummy hairdresser wouldn't even give me a bridal discount.

Yeah, but if you rest, you'll feel better. Come on, lie down.

Come on. Yeah, well, maybe you're right. Okay, right down the hall. Okay.

I hate you.

Maybe if she eats something.

She's killed herself.

Phyllis!

Phyllis, what is it? This room, it's so dirty.

How many times? Oh, it's not so bad. It's just that she's in white.

Why don't you go in Felix's room? It's a little cleaner there.

It's terrible.

Terrible.

We've got to do something.

What do you mean, we've got to do something? Oh, Oscar, I have messed up

badly. Will you please go back to the theater and talk to Harvey?

Come on, Felix, I don't even know this guy.

Never mind. I'll do it myself. All right, all right. If my best friend is

upset, it's my problem, too. Besides, I want to get out of here. I'm going to go

crazy. I'll change, and then I'll go. Oscar, thank you.

That's all right.

Listen, how will I know this guy when I see him?

He's the only one on the balcony in a top hat and striped pants.

Harvey?

Harvey?

Harvey Bixley?

Harvey, for heaven's sake, answer this loud mouth.

I'm Harvey Bixley.

Hooray, found him.

Come ask a matter, sir.

Felix Unger's roommate.

Oh. I came to talk to you about Phyllis. Oh, well, I already talked to Felix

about Phyllis. Yeah, well, look, since I'm not as involved as Felix, maybe you

and I could talk about it, huh?

Like Ronald Reagan.

Ronald Reagan?

Oh, and all those old movies. He was always the one you went to when you had

troubles. You always went to Ronald Reagan.

Well, times have changed.

Actually, you should be talking to Phyllis.

It's not that easy for Phyllis and me to talk.

Oh, look, this is one of my favorite parts where the man drives hundreds of

miles through the night just to see the woman.

Now, that's love.

Did you know I worked at the unemployment office?

Harvey, maybe you ought to snap your fingers when you're going to change the

subject. Oh, I'm sorry, but it's all tied together. Phyllis works there, too.

For years, we've been working together during the days and going to the movies

together at night.

Harvey, you're not going to tell me about your childhood, are you?

Thank goodness. But in the early years, we saw a lot of Rock Hudson, Doris Day

movies. You know, Rock was always the handsome bachelor, and Doris was the

that wouldn't even kiss anybody until she was married to them. You know those

movies? Oh, our movies have changed.

Well, that was fine.

I mean, I'd look at those movies, and I'd think, Well, they're make -believe,

and Phyllis and I were reality.

Then we saw a man and a woman, and it was something else.

The passion, the sensitivity, the ecstasy of victory, the agony of defeat.

That wasn't a man and a woman. That was the wide world of sports.

Anyway, after we saw this picture, it seemed like Phyllis and I were make

-believe.

messed up our lives.

Harvey, now look, you listen to me.

You're real, and Phyllis is real.

The picture is nice, but that's not the way life is. I know, but that's the way

life should be. That's the trouble with a lot of marriages today. They expect it

to be like it is in the movies, but it never is. I mean, if you don't like a

movie, you can walk out on it, but it's not that easy in life when somebody just

hit me with a gumdrop.

Harvey.

There's a girl waiting back in my apartment who expected to get married

The least you could do is talk to her.

I guess you're right.

Great, let's go.

After the scene at the beach.

Listen, you want to play musical chairs, sit downstairs.

I got a boy for you.

Hi.

I want to get married.

Well, I don't want to marry you.

Goodbye, Harvey.

You like that?

A man pours his heart out to a woman and she just walks out on him.

I wonder why, Felix. Well, it doesn't matter why.

She's gone, isn't she?

A nook at me would never do anything like that.

Harvey, where are you going?

To the movies.

Felix, I left a woman that wanted to get married to find a man that didn't want

to get married. I came back with a man that wanted to get married to find a

woman that didn't want to get married. Now, somewhere in there, something went

wrong. Do you have any idea why?

Could have been lots of things. Oh, I know it could have been lots of things,

but I'm looking for the thing that happened between the time I left and

back.

All right.

Maybe this had something to do with it. And what's that?

Transcript of my divorce trial.

had it bound?

I know you're entitled to an explanation.

I'm entitled to your head on a stick, but I'll settle for an explanation.

We got to talking about marriage, and I showed her my wedding pictures. I showed

her the slides of my honeymoon. Oh, I bet she was thrilled.

That's good.

My shot of Niagara Falls by moonlight made the cover of Newslife.

I'm sure, Felix, but did you ever stop to think that maybe your marriage

to fall apart when you decided to start taking pictures on the first night of

your honeymoon?

Phyllis asked about that, and I told her that Gloria mentioned it at the

divorce, and that's when I took out the transcript.

Felix! I'm a fool!

No, no, you're not a fool.

Yes, you're a fool.

Oh, I've made such a mess of things.

I'm going to straighten this out.

Where are you going?

To straighten this out.

How? I don't know.

Look, we have to get him in a place where neither of them can walk out.

They work together at the unemployment office.

That's the place.

I'm sorry, Mr. Sanchez, but you must realize we don't get too many calls for

flamenco dancers.

Felix? Oscar?

Any luck? No.

I tried to talk to her this morning. She threw a 38 -22 at me.

That's one of our forms for non -English -speaking aliens. It was humiliating.

In other words, no talking?

No talking. Just throwing.

But if we can get her to talk to you, you'll talk to her, right?

Of course. All I need is a chance.

Okay, wait here.

Well, I'm supposed to start my coffee break now.

Is it all right if I wait over by the donuts?

All right, sir. Next week, regular window.

What do you want?

Phyllis, we thought maybe if you and Harvey just talk.

There's nothing to talk about.

How do you know if you don't talk?

Because I thought about it all last night.

Harvey is just the way I was in my first marriage.

Your first marriage?

The first time that I almost got married, I was just a drippy kid. See, I

thought everything was like it was in the movies.

And that's the way Harvey is. He thinks everything is like it is in a man and a

woman. I mean, the first time he saw me in curls, the whole thing would be over.

No, I don't think so.

No, I think Harvey's got more to him than that. There is nothing to him. That

why I'm leaving him, this job, this town.

I am going to work in the unemployment office in Albuquerque, New Mexico, or

other place where they've never heard of Harvey Bixley.

A jellyfish?

Maybe the old Harvey's a jellyfish, but the new Harvey may not be.

New? What's new? This morning I threw a 38 -22 at him. He nearly fainted. He's

just a jellyfish.

Phyllis, why don't you talk to him?

He's over there at the donuts.

Go ahead, talk to him.

Please.

I don't know.

Phyllis, there's a man at the donuts who loves you.

Does that mean nothing to you?

Yeah, well, all right. Maybe I could talk to him.

But he'd better have something to say.

Felix and Oscar said that you want to talk to me.

Yes.

Well... Now, look, Harvey, I'm not going to mess around.

They say that you've changed. For once in your life, be a man.

Do you or do you not want to marry me?

Well. Well, well, I ask you for a yes or a no. A well is neither of those.

Well, that's perfect. That's perfect. A jelly donut for a jelly fish.

Well, you are never going to see me again, ever.

You had your chance and you blew it. This is the last that you'll ever see

Phyllis Parker.

Goodbye, Harvey.

It didn't work.

She walked out on me the same way Lily Palmer walked out on John Garfield in

Body and Skin. Harvey, you're out of your mind. The girl is walking out of

life. This isn't a scene from a movie. She's really leaving you. Well, what do

you think I should do? Stop her. How? Go after her.

Yell.

I do now.

You don't know what to do now. You're really hopeless.

Did you yell at me?

Shut up, Phyllis, and listen. Shut up, Phyllis. Shut up, Phyllis.

I tried to talk to you yesterday. You wouldn't listen. I tried to talk to you

today, and you wouldn't listen.

Now, you're going to listen.

First of all, Phyllis, I have been a fool.

Because for as long as I can remember, I've been living in a world that didn't

exist. I wouldn't say that. Shut up, Phyllis.

Shut up, Phyllis.

For me, it was always the movies. But that's all over now.

No more running along the ocean. No more slow motion kisses. From now on, it's

going to be you and me and a couple of babies in some crummy apartment.

And you're going to love it. Do you understand that, Phyllis?

Oh, Harvey.

Kiss her, Harvey.

Sitting here with Harvey, I got interested. I want to see how it turns

Watch this.

This is the part where the man tells the woman about his first wife. Hey, keep

it down.

A lot of grouches come to this theater.

I wonder if they'll be happy.

I thought you saw the picture.

Harvey and Phyllis. Oh, well, at least they got married today already. That's

improvement. And you got to go. Yeah.

Red sails in the sunset at a wedding?

I'm straight. and I love you truly, man, myself.

I got a green one.

What'd you get? A red one.

I'll trade you. You got it.