Original subtitles

Felix, I got a hangover, will ya?

You're defrosting my freezer.

I was about paying this for you, a little waker -upper.

How about a little shutter -upper?

I was just trying to be nice.

I know you have a hangover this morning.

It's because of you I have a hangover. Now leave me alone before I do something

I may regret.

I said I was sorry about last night. You're shouting, Felix.

What's to be sorry?

I love to stay in a bar till four o 'clock in the morning because my

locked me out of my own apartment. Aren't you forgetting our little pact?

I'm running out of patience, Felix.

When the mat is turned over, that means one of us has got a girl. The other guy,

he's on his own.

Yeah, but the mat's been turned over four times already this week.

I'm on a hot streak with the ladies.

Warren Beatty was never on such a hot streak with the ladies. What were you

doing till 4 a .m.? I was showing slides of Atlantic City.

Now I get it.

First you bore him to death, then you make your move get out of my life,

Look, the fact was your idea. Do you want to drop another one? I'm more than

willing to sign it. All I want you to do is shut up and leave me alone.

Oscar. Felix.

Here,

drink this.

For even animals in the zoo.

That's two shut -up Felixes. No, that's three shut -up Felixes. You miscounted.

Get out of my room, now!

I'm frappéing one for myself.

I just frappéed it.

You're next.

I was only trying to help you. Do you want to help me, Felix? Yes.

Really help me? Yes. Get out!

Do you realize you're practically telling me you don't want me here

What practically? I'm saying it. I don't want you here anymore.

What are you doing?

What does it look like I'm doing?

Keep it up, Oscar. Keep it up.

I'm likely to take you up on it. Take me up on it?

You know, I've got a good mind to really leave.

You have no choice, Felix. You're out. Just remember the old adage, laugh

breakfast and you'll cry before dinner. No, no, no, you have it all wrong. Cry

when you're here, laugh when you're out. Fine.

Let it be on your head.

That's right. Well, another place is mine.

Yeah. I mean, it's all mine.

What do you say we have dinner tonight?

You like Chinese food?

Great. We'll have a feast. Ciao.

Madison Manor, Oscar the Beautiful speaking.

It's me. I don't want to talk, and I'm not trying to make up.

Kindly forward my mail to Murray's. Does Murray know what he's doing?

Murray and Mimi are not fair -weather friends.

Please remember to water my fern.

And the sink's been giving me trouble. If it backs up... Felix, I intend to

the sink.

Hey, you did a great job straightening up my closets. Thank you, Marie.

Felix did it.

Thanks, Felix.

This is me something.

I think he's charming.

He pulls out a chair for a lady, opens a door, cooks like a chef.

And he doesn't mind doing the dishes.

Marie will have you doing the dishes yet.

Listen, Glenn, I'm sorry about the chow mein. I didn't know Felix had taken his

soy sauce with him. Oh, it's all right. It's not just the soy sauce, Oscar. I

just don't like eating out of cartons. It makes the egg rolls taste like

cardboard. There's nothing I can do about it. See, I'm out of plates and the

sink is full of them.

Want to sell that sink?

Hey, try some sweet and sour duck. No, no, no, I don't think I will. No, no, I

really, I don't crave any now, and I'm sure I won't crave any an hour from now.

Oh, what difference does it make?

Gwendolyn, do you realize this is the very first time you and I have ever been

alone in this apartment without Felix, I mean? Yes.

I miss him.

You miss Felix?

Why, he was always in the way, cleaning and tidying and vacuuming.

Dusting.

Do you know, Eve?

Never even kissed me goodbye.

How about kissing me hello?

No, I really don't think I should. I mean, after eating from those cartons, I

think I've got cardboard on my breath.

Oh, yeah? No, you really don't.

You know, it's really so sad about you and Felix.

What is?

I mean, how could you throw him out into the cold, dark night?

Gwendolyn, it was ten o 'clock in the morning on a sunny day.

Besides, it was the best thing for both of us. Why?

Why? Because we were driving each other crazy. That's why heaven knows I really

tried. Now I think I understand.

Do you?

Yeah. Do you know, I remember my first fiancé.

We got a little tipsy one night and I really told him off.

And then he bit my ankle.

He bit your ankle?

Yeah. Oh, well, he was lying under the table at the time. Oh, he was a terrible

drinker, that one.

Do you know, about a month after that, he got discharged from the Queen's

because they found a bottle under his busby.

Busby's bottle. What are we... talking about.

We should be talking about us, a man and a woman alone, finally in the

apocalypse.

Oscar, what's that?

It's a turkey leg.

No, it's a turkey leg. What's it doing stuffed down behind the settee? Well, I

was going to have it for lunch on Tuesday, but I lost it.

You lost a turkey leg?

You're crying because I lost a turkey leg?

You reminded me of Felix.

Turkey leg reminded you of Felix?

That's right, it's better.

Honey, I can still feel his presence through all the dirt.

Well, look, I'll clean it up.

Well, you can't clean away his memory.

It's on your head, Oscar.

That's fascinating.

Did you use it today?

Nah, I'm just getting it in shape for tomorrow's inspection.

It's a rule.

They have to clean their guns every day.

Every day? Our police commissioner's a real crackerjack.

It's too bad he's resigning.

He's resigning? Yeah, he's getting his own talk show next year.

You missed a little slot on the barrel. Yeah, well, just watch it, Felix. You

know... Is it loaded?

It's loaded.

Oh, Murray.

He got your number, baby.

Felix, what... Daphne right between the eyes.

He loved it so.

It took him six months to fill her in.

She was just like a member of the family.

What can I say?

Oh, don't say anything. Just forget it.

Are you sure it's all right?

Yeah, it's okay.

It's all right. Well, good.

And I'm going to speak with complete frankness to you, Murray.

I think it's deplorable that a police officer with your background would clean

loaded pistol in his own home.

I know it's a violation, but I'm not going to report you this time because

you've been a very good friend to me.

But from now on, I'm warning you.

Watch your step.

Good night, Mimi.

Thanks, Felix.

Mimi?

Take the gun away from me.

Please!

Sorry.

$350 a month?

For what? All the place needs is a little sprucing up.

Mister, you need the sprucing up.

This place could use the National Guard.

Lady, you could clean this place up with your eyes closed.

I'd have to do it with my eyes, ears, nose, and throat closed.

This place is cursed.

Where are you going?

I'd never take this job.

I'd sooner clean up the zoo.

Well, don't come begging for a second chance.

Mimi, you know I'm as fond of Felix as you are.

I can't take this anymore.

You know what he did last night?

You went to your fridge club, you know?

I decided to get to bed early.

Well, about 11 .30, I woke up to get a drink of water.

When I got back to the bedroom, my bed was made up.

He's driving me crazy.

Well, Murray, I'll be honest with you. He's driving me crazy, too.

That did it.

Just going to have to tell him he's going to have to leave.

Good. When he comes in, you tell him.

Me?

You're the man in the family.

But Felix is my friend.

I can't just tell him. Put on your badge and gun. Maybe that'll give you some

courage.

Good morning, all.

Oh, you're having your breakfast.

Darn. I was going to fix you one of my specialties.

Omelette a la hunger.

Ah, that's nice of you, Felix. Nice of me.

Please, silly, it's the least I can do.

I'm not a sentimental man, but you two have been so wonderful to me.

Unlike certain others who shall remain nameless.

Words can't express my feelings.

Well, Felix, the feeling is mutual.

Right, Murray?

Right, Felix.

Better get ready to go to work.

One thing.

Since we're going to be together for some time, I thought maybe we'd better

something about the bathroom.

What's wrong with the bathroom?

Nothing's wrong with your bathroom, per se.

But we all take our showers in the morning and we get jammed up.

I thought it might be better if one of us took a shower the night before.

Now, Murray should be allowed to take a shower whenever he wants to because he

works irregular hours.

So that leaves you and me.

How would you feel about taking your shower the night before, Mimi?

Felix, we're really not going to be needing a schedule. No, we don't. It's

it's very simple to work out if you let me explain. Well, that's not what Murray

means, is it, Murray?

Murray?

It's my mother.

Go on, Murray.

It's her mother.

She's coming to visit us.

Oh, wonderful.

When's she going to sleep?

In your room.

You mean you want me to leave?

We're only thinking of you, Felix.

I wouldn't wish my mother off on anybody.

Except Murray, and that's only because I love him.

I've enjoyed my stay with you very much.

And I thank you.

I'll back.

We had to do it.

Well, maybe now he'll go back home to Oscar.

Yeah. Poor Felix.

Poor Oscar.

Hey, Oscar.

Tony and a third.

Oscar, I know you're not burying a bone, so you must be looking for something.

Looking for my gray shirt.

Felix must have hid it before he left.

Now, where would he hide my gray shirt?

Maybe it's under your other gray clothes.

Hey, Pete.

What does this look like?

Like a pajama top and tie.

Looks like we're going to a formal slumber party.

Yeah? I just want you to know that if there's any mail for me... Felix, we had

this conversation three days ago.

I know. Send it to Murray's.

No. To Vinnie's.

Yeah, well, I'll come here at Vinnie's.

Murray's mother -in -law is coming to visit him.

Vinnie has plenty of room.

His wife is visiting her mother.

She must have heard you were coming.

Shall we leave personalities out of this, Mr. Madison?

Okay, listen, Felix, hey.

Now, where did you hide my gray shirt?

It's in the refrigerator.

Trapped in a towel with a couple of other shirts.

In the refrigerator?

Why? That's the way you keep shirts damp before you iron them.

I thought it was lettuce wrapped in a towel.

Did you put the lettuce in the laundry, Amber?

I didn't call for the purpose of enjoying your delicate sarcasm, Oscar.

concerned about my mail.

What mail?

The only mail you ever get is the National Geographic. That came three

So you'll have to call me for four more weeks.

Felix, will you please sit down and give me a chance to win some of my money

back? Ashes.

Isn't it enough that you're cleaning up in gin? Can't you clean up just one

thing at a time?

Felix, what kind of air freshener is that?

Sea wind. Makes every room as fresh as the incoming tide. What's wrong?

I don't like the smell of the incoming tide.

I like green pine.

Green pine?

Am I to gather that you would prefer I freshen the room with green pine?

No, no, you're my guest.

You can freshen the air with anything that you like, but will you spray fast

sit down? You got me on a blitz.

Well, I've checked your books, and you can continue to live like a king if you

don't eat.

He did it to me.

The curse of the Felix, it's on my head. He did it.

Look at that.

Isn't this ridiculous?

Not especially.

if I were you, I'd speak to Bebe about her furniture polish.

Whatever she's using is leaving a film.

I polish the furniture.

I don't see any film.

My ex -wife could never see any film either.

Gloria had weak depth perception.

I don't see it because it's not there.

You say so. Not because I say so, because it doesn't exist.

Fine. It doesn't exist.

But if you try Neverdust instead of whatever it is you're using... I tried

Neverdust, and it had a funny smell.

Are you telling me my tables smell?

Felix, I never smelled your tables.

Now, will you pick a card?

I don't need to.

Why?

Gin.

Why don't you admit it? You miss

him.

Are you kidding? What's a miss?

This is living.

I'll tell you what I do miss.

A doctor, because I think I shattered the whole knee.

the witch doctor.

I just wanted to tell you where to forward my mail.

Oh, you got bounced out of Vinnie so fast?

My parting with Vinnie was perfectly amicable.

Yeah, yeah. Okay, where are you now?

I'm upstairs at the Pigeon Sisters.

They insisted I come.

And in a few hours, they'll insist you go.

This is ridiculous, Oscar.

Same to you, pal.

You're really, you're really sure I won't be in the way, aren't you?

Of course not.

Oh, wonderful.

And I'll do all the cooking. Oh, no, no, no, no. I do all the cooking in this

house. Oh, there I go. I'm awful. Of course you'll do all the cooking. I'll

cook for myself.

Oh, no, I can prepare all your favorite dishes.

Oh, yes, Gwen's marvelous. You should see her late husband. He was as thin as

rail. She had him stout in no time.

He wasn't stout. I think that Sidney wasn't stout.

No.

He was...

Well -proportioned. Oh, yes, well -proportioned for a big, fat fellow.

I make awful noises at night with my sinuses.

Oh, that's all right.

Sassy and I are loud snorers. As loud as Big Fat Sidney.

I just wanted to tell you, I do strange things.

Because I've told you before.

I wanted to warn you that it may not all be one big party.

Some people seem to find me difficult to live with.

I'm exhausted. I'm going to bed. I'm tired out from all this moving.

One thing.

When do you girls bathe?

Aren't you getting a little personal?

We both bathe in the morning, Felix. Why?

Oh, that's bad, you see. That makes three.

It would be so much better if one of us took a bath at night before going to

bed. Will you two talk it over?

Good night.

He may be right, you know.

What? About the shower?

No. About it not being one big party.

Don't you agree?

No, I don't agree.

And I don't agree about what you said about my Sydney. So there.

Erica's guest.

Just passing through.

On your way to where?

That's my business.

Oh, I forgot my keys.

And I guess that's my business.

I still have mine.

I was passing through.

I'll return your key to you. Thank you.

Hey, what's happening?

About what?

Well, you're obviously not Willie Loman. What are you doing carrying those bags?

Just leaving.

How'd you get the Pigeon Sisters mad at you?

It's impossible to get them mad at anybody.

We're not discussing this. You don't mind?

Well, what do you do now? Take a nap in the paper? Help Alfred? No, I'm going to

a hotel.

Board of Health force you to?

No, I don't want things to get piled up, you know.

How is everything with you? Oh, fine, great. It's a little cluttered in there,

but that's the way I like it.

Cluttered? Yeah, but it's going to be okay, because I'm going to have somebody

come in and clean once a week.

Get somebody to do your laundry, too.

That's what they call a casual look.

We've been friends a long time.

What were you going to say? No, go ahead.

Well, I was just going to say that I don't know what I was going to say. What

were you going to say?

Something stupid, I'm sure. Oh, no, Felix. No, you say some bright things.

you do some bright... Look, I'm telling you, I'm the dumb one.

The truth is, I was doing a lot better when you were living here. Well, I

certainly hope so.

But since you left and you put that curse on me, everything's been going

Felix, what I mean is, you don't have to go to the hotel if you don't want to.

You really mean it?

What do you want me to do? Give you a speech?

A ticker tape parade? I don't have any more confetti. I hate confetti. It's

perfectly useless and it's messy.

Well, I'm glad you find something funny to laugh at.

It's just the first time I've laughed at you.

I just want to know I'm welcome, that's all.

You're welcome. My house is your house. I know

this is going to sound silly, but...

Would you remove the curse?

Oh, please.

I mean it, Felix. It's on my head.

I remove the curse.

Thank you, Felix.

Oh, come on. I don't get sentimental.

I'm not sentimental.

Who wouldn't try looking at this kitchen?

I bring you morning cheer.

Hi, Felix.

What is it?

Boysenberry and clam juice. It's good.

Drink it. I'm responsible.

Mmm.

Mmm.

That's good. Open the doors.

Open the doors. Open the doors.

I'll drink it. I really will. I'll drink it.