All language subtitles for the_odd_couple_s01e04

You can't come in here.

Why? There's a sex maniac in here.

You know, the last time you said that,
we ended up paying anagrams. Don't

me. Don't worry me. You're awful. It
wasn't my fault. Phoenix wanted to try

some new words. But there's no anagrams
tonight.

I love this place. It's so much roomier
than ours. It is, and it's always so

spotlessly clean.

What's your secret, Mr. Madison?

It's easy. I'm not allowed to use the
ashtray.

All right, everybody, come on, come on.
Sit down, sit down, sit down. Now,

girls, do you want a drink now or after?

After what?

After the 11 o 'clock news.

The what?

The 11 o 'clock news.

Girls, excuse me a moment. Really, I
want to talk to Felix. Oh,

Felix. Felix.

Felix.

You're out of your mind. What possible
reason could you have for wanting to

watch the 11 o 'clock news now?

It's 11 o 'clock.

Felix, this may come as a shock to you,
but I didn't lure the pigeon sisters

here to watch the news. You've got a
reason.

What's your reason? I can't tell you.

You told me. You don't mind if we watch
the news, do you?

Oh, no.

And the embassy was surrounded by 5 ,000

pacifists who attacked guards, broke
windows, and set fire to three

That's your reason.

And now for the human side of the news.

Released from Sing Sing prison today
after serving seven years of a ten -year

sentence was the colorful underworld
figure, Leo Garvey.

Leo Garvey? As you may recall, Garvey
was convicted of assault and sentenced

after one of the most controversial
trials of the decade.

While in prison, he studied for the
priesthood and wrote the bestseller, God

My Warden.

You son of a gun, you remember? I knew
you'd get a kick out of it.

You boys really know Leo Garth? No, and
listen, if it wasn't for that killer,

Felix and I never would have met.

A super story.

Is it really true? Oh, yes.

Sure, it's true. We were introduced by a
homicidal man. No, no, we weren't

introduced by him. We met because of Leo
Garvey. And he wasn't homicidal.

Well, I've heard prison life can do
strange things to men. Like Uncle Ralph.

Oh, no. What Felix means is that he
wasn't a killer. He was very nasty, but

wasn't a killer. Let me explain
something.

Oscar and I take our duties as citizens
very seriously indeed.

And when this letter arrived... Come on,
will you? We were called for jury duty.

We couldn't get out of it. Besides, the
trial only lasted an hour. It was an

open and shut case.

Okay, now, ladies and gentlemen, you've
received your instructions.

Now, select a foreman.

Reach a verdict, and in this case, it
shouldn't take you too long. And if you

should need anything, I'll be right
outside this door.

Oh, dear, I'd like to ask him, how many
months that prosecutor has been in

prison? No, no, not the prosecutor. The
defendant has the prison record.

Don't worry about it. It's an open and
shut case.

Why'd you shut the window, Betty?

Pollen counters.

That doesn't make any difference. We're
not going to be here that long anyway.

The gentleman volunteered to be the shop
steward.

You mean foreman?

That's it.

I knew it was something industrial.

Well, that's a good idea, Mrs. Blackman.
Now, who wants to be foreman? I object.

Object to what?

We're doing this the wrong way.

The right way is that we nominate a list
of candidates, and then each candidate

make a brief speech... What's his name?

Unger. Unger. ...for the job.

Then you have a preliminary vote,
narrowing the list down to two.

Wait a minute.

If we do it your way, we'll be here all
day.

Justice does not punch a time clock.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means that we cannot reach a verdict
on the basis of expediency, as well as

considering the prosecution's case.

It is our duty to be concerned with the
rights of the defendant.

Now, the defense contends that the
accused was provoked.

into the attack on his roommate.

Now, for all we know, the roommate may
have been the kind of man who would

anybody crazy.

Perhaps Mr. Unger has a point.

Maybe he'd like to be our foreman.

Thank you, Mr. Welk. If I were your
foreman, the first thing I would do

to requisition the testimony of the
court psychiatrist for further study.

I believe we need to know all we can
know about the emotional state of the

accused at the time of the alleged
attack.

I don't want him to be formed at all.
Then again, Mr. Madison has a point.

If I move, we make Madison form. And all
in favor, raise your hands.

Now, if Mr. Rungle will take a seat,
we'll get on with the business.

I mean, this is not a very difficult
case. The defendant is charged with

assault. There were eyewitnesses to the
incident.

The guy has got a prison record that
long?

He's got a history of violence?

I mean, how much more do we have to
know?

I think we can come to a verdict right
away.

Bearing in mind... That justice delayed
is justice denied.

Okay, all those in favor of voting
guilty, raise your hands.

Okay, I guess that does it. I object.

What do you mean you object? I got a
ball game to catch at 2 o 'clock.

It's not quite that simple, Mr.

Madison. This is still America, you
know. Well, what should we do, Mr.

Give the Pledge of Allegiance, right? We
should have a secret ballot.

Guilty.

Guilty and... Not guilty.

Are you kidding?

Why, that looks like it's been typed.

I print neatly.

Would you mind telling us, without
dragging patriotism into it, why you

the defendant is innocent?

I didn't say. I thought he was innocent.

You typed he was innocent.

I cannot permit us to reach a hasty
verdict. I'm sorry.

There may have been... Mitigating
circumstances.

He may be right, you know.

The only circumstance is that Leo Garvey
beat up this guy and he sent him to the

hospital. That makes him guilty.

He may be right, you know.

Nevertheless, and notwithstanding, he
may have been provoked beyond the limits

of human endurance.

That still doesn't give him the right to
go around being a big bully.

The law recognizes various degrees of
guilt.

And it's our job as jurors to evaluate
those degrees. When we came into

this building today, we saw standing in
front of the building a beautiful statue

of a woman deep within the breast of
every man.

And every woman lurks the possibility of
committing

what the French call a...

You have a question?

Just one.

Why are you doing this to us?

Mr. Madison, a man's freedom is at stake
here.

Unger.

Assuming.

Assuming they let us go home for
Christmas and New Year's. When can we

get out of here?

Right now.

I suggest we have another ballot right
away.

Well, now we're getting somewhere.

Okay, everybody up. Come on, pencils in
hand. Let's go.

Gildy.

Gildy.

Gildy.

He doesn't give a... Oh, no.

Okay, I hope you're satisfied. I missed
the ball game. I won't get to see Stan

Musial. Stan Musial?

Which one's he?

After my wife finds out I didn't have
time to make the meatloaf or do the

shopping. Take it easy.

They can't keep us here forever.

Yeah.

Okay, folks. I guess you're stuck here
for tonight. The court's adjourned.

Not

much of a

room, is it?

Well, at least it's got a TV.

Uh -uh.

No TV.

No radio.

And no telephone.

Listen, I don't want to discuss the
case. I just want to find out who won

ball game.

I brought you a newspaper.

Oh, good. Let me see the sports paper,
will you? Now, due to the nature of this

case, all references to violence have
been deleted.

Good.

Come on, will you?

Are you telling me I'm going to be stuck
in this crummy hotel with no telephone,

no television, no radio, and the
newspaper looks like it was printed on

cheese? Swiss cheese?

No, you won't be alone.

We've assigned two jurors to each room.
Good. At least I'll have somebody to

talk to.

Then

here

we go.

I think it's fascinating that you two
met on a jury. Oh, I agree.

I mean, how many people do you suppose
ever meet on a jury?

Twelve. On each jury. Now, that's
ancient history. Here you go.

Here, my pet is an Oscar Madison
martini. If you like it, you can help

to Oscar Madison. I want to hear the
story.

But there's nothing left to tell.

Oh, well, in that case, Sassy and I
better leave. Come on, then. Tell the

Felix.

Well, after what happened in the jewelry
room, we weren't too happy about being

stuck in the same hotel room together.

Actually, it was Oscar who wasn't too
happy. I could get along with anybody.

Will you let me tell the story, Felix?
There I was, stuck in a hotel room with

Oliver Wendell Holmes here and having
myself a dreadful time.

Right, we're stuck here together.

I can get along with anybody, but you
seem to have some sort of prejudice

against me.

I'm sure you don't intend it that way.
Check out time is noon, Unger. Get to

point, will you? I'm merely suggesting
that we try to make the best of a bad

situation. That's all, Mr. Madison.

You're right.

You know that, Unger? You're absolutely
right, and I'm sorry.

You can start by cutting out the Mr.
Madison. You can call me Oscar.

Great, Oscar.

Now, what's your first name? Felix.

I kind of sensed you were, Felix.

What business are you in, Felix?

I'm a photographer.

Hey, children or chicks?

I don't understand.

What do you photograph?

I mean, kids on a pony, naked girls? Oh,
no, no. Naked girls.

I'm a commercial photographer.

Oh. Did you by any chance see the last
month's edition of the American Legion

magazine?

Gee, I missed that one.

I had a picture in there.

A parade.

A parade.

Fascinating.

What do you do?

Oh, I'm sports writer for the Times.

The Times?

I did that feature article on Sandy
Koufax the other day. Oh. Hey, listen,

far as I'm concerned, a great prospect,
right?

Well... Tell me, who's better than Sandy
Koufax?

Well, to tell you the truth, I don't
know who she is.

Well, why don't we talk about something
we both know something about?

Okay.

I'm a connoisseur of fine wines.

I'm not.

What's your favorite museum?

Cooperstown. Baseball Hall of Fame. You
like sports?

Very much. What's your favorite sport?
Squash.

Let's go back to parades.

I don't suppose you know much about
opera, huh?

Let's see what we've got here.

Now, there. There's your rare steak, a
baked potato, fried onions.

And here is your sand dabs, cottage
cheese, and weak tea with lemon.

Enjoy your dinner.

Oh.

Well, I guess we better change places.
No, why don't we just switch plates?

Oh, there you go. Oh, that's a beautiful
steak. Isn't it? That's really

something. That is really...

This is a good steak.

Do you always talk with your mouth full
of food?

Only when I'm eating.

Where's the butter?

On your sleeve.

Hey,

you know something, Felix?

Maybe that steak wasn't so good after
all.

My stomach's upset.

and the fried onions, the garlic toast,
the pie a la mode, or my leftover

sandbag? That's it. The sandbag.

What are you doing in

your pajamas?

I may turn into a pumpkin.

Doctor says I should get plenty of sleep
considering my condition.

What's your condition?

I'm hypochondriac.

Well, look, we could still play cards
for two hours and get to bed before

midnight. I can't.

Look, we'll knock it off at 11 o 'clock.
How's that?

No.

One fast hand of poker.

Takes too long.

Oh, I'll cut you for a buck.

All right, just once.

You go first.

Tough luck, Felix.

One more time.

Look, you're not the kind of guy who
wouldn't give a man a chance to get

are you? I said just once.

Wow.

I need this.

These are my pajamas.

Do you always go to bed with a cigar in
your mouth?

I'm lonesome.

I'm never going to be able to go to
sleep as early.

Sure. Just close your eyes and relax.

Good night.

Good night.

What was that noise?

My sinuses.

Finished?

Good night.

I thought it was your sinus.

It was, but I tried so hard to clear
them that I stuffed up my ears.

Finished,

or do you have to do something to your
eyes?

Good night.

I forgot my nerve medicine.

Ten o 'clock in bed.

Sand dabs and sinuses.

Nerve medicine?

I don't believe it.

You know, I never knew a guy who hung
his socks on a hanger before.

I mean, what kind of a person does that?

A neat person.

Yeah, maybe a weird person.

I didn't ask to be locked in this room
with you.

Okay. Okay, the last crack wasn't called
for, but you're not the easiest person

to share a room with, you know.

Aren't you going to apologize?

Okay, I apologize.

It's too late for that now.

Hey, you look worn out, Madison.

Did you sleep well last night?

It's anger.

First he opens the window, let all the
fresh air in, see? Then three o 'clock

the morning the alarm goes off.

What for?

So he can take vitamin C in case he
catches cold from all the fresh air he

come in.

You know the guy who hangs his socks on
a hanger?

Really? Yeah.

Don't you think that's a little strange?

Especially three o 'clock in the morning
to see two socks on a hanger. I thought

they were snakes.

That guy's a troublemaker. He's keeping
us here and I'm losing money because of

it. I'd like to punch him right in the
mouth.

I mean, if that's what everyone else
would like.

Yeah, that lousy Unger.

Which one's Unger?

I gotta get out of here.

Folks, everybody sit down. Come on.

Look, I know we've tried this before,
but we've got to try it one more time,

okay? Now, we all agree that Leo Garvey
is guilty of beating up his friend. I

object. Now, of course he objects. Why
wouldn't he? What is it this time?

A man is presumed innocent until proven
guilty.

Thank you, Mr. Runger, for pointing that
out to us.

Okay. The alleged Leo Garvey allegedly
beat up his alleged friend with his

alleged fist, and he sent him to the
alleged hospital.

Now, as 12 responsible citizens, it is
our duty to put that animal behind bars

where he belongs. I object. Object,
sure. What now, you object? We have no

to put that animal behind bars until we
know exactly what triggered the attack.

I implore you, ladies and gentlemen,
read the transcript of the trial.

Let's just sleep on it before we come to
a final decision.

Oh, good.

We get to stay in the hotel another
night.

Room service.

No, Mr. Blackman, we're not staying here
another night. We're not staying here

five minutes. I don't know why I didn't
realize it before.

But Mr. Unger is right. He has convinced
me that Leo Garvey is innocent.

The same thing just occurred to me.

Me too.

Good. All in favor, raise your hands.

Can't accept that.

He can't accept it. Why would he accept
it? What is it?

You all voted not guilty, but you did so
for the wrong reasons. You only did it

because... You're telling me...

Mr. Moss, with everyone in this room...
Listen, you idiot.

Why, you've been giving everybody a
lesson in civics. I've got a plumbing

business that's going down the... Mr.
Moss, something seems to be rubbing you

the wrong way. You're rubbing me the
wrong way.

Him! Him!

All of us have our minds under you and
your rules and regulations and your

on a hanger.

Well, I'm going to punch you right in
the nose. Oh, come on.

What is it? Sit down. Come on now.
Everybody sit down.

You too, Mr. Unger. Come on.

What is it?

Do you realize what we're doing?

I was going to punch him in the mouth.
That's what I was doing.

Don't you see?

Unger was right.

He's a miserable, picky, irritating
person, but he's right.

We are doing exactly what Leo Garvey is
accused of doing.

That's right.

Isn't it?

Don't you see?

Unger has proven there are circumstances
under which a normal, law -abiding

citizen will become violent.

Yeah. Yes, that's what I meant by
mitigating circumstances.

Shut up. You made your point. Don't push
it.

Okay. Now, in light of what we've
learned about ourselves and of human

I'm ready to vote not guilty.

All those in favor, raise your hands.

Okay. Garvey is innocent.

Now, which one was Leo Garvey again?

Taylor, tell the judge we're ready.

Thank you for bringing the others to
their senses.

Don't mention it.

Incidentally, I took the liberty of
putting the top back on your toothpaste.

It was running all over your shaving
kit.

Thank you, Peter.

Don't mention it, Oscar.

Thank you.

And that's how we met and became such
good friends.

Okay, finished. Now, anybody else want a
drink?

Wait a minute, wait a minute. I mean,
all... you've described as ill -feeling.

How did you really become friends?

Well, we still had three more weeks on
jury duty.

And after a while, Felix gets to grow on
you. And he's not so bad. You have to

dust him off now and then.

But didn't you just say that Leo Garvey
was acquitted? Yeah.

But then why is he getting out of
prison?

I mean, don't you have to go to prison
to get out of prison?

Leo Garvey did go to prison. Yeah, tell
him why, Felix.

After we acquitted him, court was
adjourned. He got in the elevator to go

downstairs.

And he was stuck in the elevator for two
hours. Yeah, and tell him what he did

when he got out of the elevator.

Will you tell him? Come on.

He went berserk and he attacked his
rescuers and he put them in the hospital

weeks. Oh, now, hold on.

I mean, how come being stuck alone in an
elevator for two hours drive anyone

cuckoo? Well, he wasn't exactly alone.

Felix was stuck in there with him.