Original subtitles

Eighteen minutes from Kennedy International Airport to here. Wow, I

you enough, Murray.

I think my next car's going to be a police car.

Only waiting for a tip you can put down the back.

I want to hear more about that girl you met at the airport, you know?

I'll tell you. And I didn't meet her at the airport. I met her on an airplane.

They were showing a G -rated film, but the stewardess was strictly definite X.

Want a beer?

Well, I'm on duty, uh -uh.

So you got a date with this ex -rented stewardess or what?

What do you mean, or what?

She loves me.

All right. At least she likes me well enough to go out with me. Tonight after

tonight, she'll be crazy about me.

You want to know what the best part is?

Oscar, I'm 38 years old. Of course I know what the best part is.

Tell me about my life.

This is the first weekend I've had off in months.

And you know the really best part?

Felix is in Washington for the whole weekend.

What's he doing? Cleaning up the mess down there?

He's doing a magazine layout for Monday. Hey, and you got a date with an airline

student?

Now do you read me? Like a Danish magazine.

18 minutes. Thanks again, Maurice.

Forget it. Hey, listen.

Have a fun weekend.

Don't worry, I will.

What a way to run an airline.

supposed to be in Washington.

I know.

I got sick over Baltimore.

I took the next flight back.

Felix, don't tell me.

That's one of those 48 -hour things.

48 hours?

That's a whole week!

Okay, now, the shopping's been done. The beds have been changed. Your medicine

is being delivered. Here's your water. The phone has been connected. Here are

the cards.

Here are the books. Here are the magazines.

Everything is here.

You're welcome. I hope you're feeling better. But don't wait up for me or down

for me or whatever one does when one's waiting flat on their back.

Oscar, you're not going out and leaving me in my condition.

I'm thinking about my condition.

I think I'm running a temperature.

Ah, me too, Felix, me too.

Maybe you have the flu too.

No, what I have, Felix, is a terrible desire to touch a lady.

And hopefully Barbara has a cure for that.

Pardon? Barbara Phipps, the stewardess, remember?

Ah, yes. Take it easy, Felix.

Oscar. Now what?

I can't read this thing.

See if you can read it for me, please.

Hey, you are warm.

Why? What do we got? 102?

103?

It's not 104, is it? 104 is fatal. It's not that, is it? It's only fatal for me.

He did it to me, huh?

Well, what's the matter? What do you mean, what's the matter? I can't go out

leave you alone with a temperature like this.

What about Barbara?

Felix, don't play devil's advocate.

Why don't you bring Barbara here?

Hey, that's a great kind of day. Why don't you come over and take my friend's

temperature? She'll never know I'm here.

Felix, if I did that, would you really be quiet?

Across my siduses.

When have I got to loot?

Oh, but Felix, if you mess this up... You

know it, don't you?

Bless you.

Oscar, who is it?

You'll be the first to know.

Put it on Unger's bill. Take a half a buck for yourself.

Oscar, who is it? Your medicine.

Oh, chicken delicious.

Here we go. Keep the rest for yourself.

Thank you very much.

Delicious, will you?

You're not going to serve chicken delicious for dinner.

No, I keep it in trunks. I like to count the golden pieces late at night. What

do you think I'm going to do with it? It certainly isn't very romantic.

Felix, food isn't romance. It's only an excuse for romance.

There she is, Felix.

If our friendship means anything at all to you, keep your mouth shut.

Don't worry.

Okay.

How'd you like to come in here and get caught in my web?

Let's see what Tress has learned from that pretty wrapping.

Oscar, you don't have to do that.

Do what? Play those games.

You know, like on the plane when you asked me to fasten your seatbelt while

were still standing up?

And when you asked me what occupado meant?

You don't have to do corny things like that.

I don't?

Oscar, I'm here because I like you.

Okay?

Oh, boy, is that okay.

Glad you could.

Wow, what a groovy apartment.

Mind if I look around? No, go ahead.

Stewardess!

That's a closet.

It must be you.

Oh, yeah.

Oh,

but that perfume.

You're doing it again.

Stepping your perfume?

Playing games.

The perfume has nothing to do with it.

What comes... is that you're a man and I'm a woman.

Oh, boy, is that what counts.

So, Bobby, you're a really open, honest girl.

That's right. So why don't we both be honest?

Yeah, right.

Can I really be honest with you, Barbara?

Really honest? Uh -huh.

Okay. Rather than stand here by the closet, I'd rather be sitting with you

the couch. Is that honest? Like you mean, you know, honest?

Honest. Okay.

We haven't even had the chicken delicious yet.

Oscar, if a man and a woman are open and honest with each other, they don't need

chicken delicious.

That's just about the greatest thing a woman ever said to me.

What's that?

That's a Russian wolfhound that lives upstairs.

Sneezing.

we were saying about being honest?

Uh, that two people should be up front with each other. Yeah, yeah. Okay.

Let's be up front.

the army, they trained me to locate sneezes.

Oscar,

that didn't come from up there.

That came from in that closet.

Don't be silly. I mean, what would a Russian wolf I'd be doing in my closet?

It sounded like it came from in there. Ah, you know why it sounded? Because

you're flying around like your ears probably all... All right, all right.

If it'll make you feel any better, I'll check out the closet for you. Excuse me.

There ain't no Russian wolf I wouldn't be... It's upstairs.

What are you doing to me?

That was nice to you. I did the laundry, the cleaning, the shopping. Now you

won't give me a break.

I couldn't help it. You're not helping it. You're sneezing me into the sewer.

She's wearing a perfume that I'm allergic to. My cytosis is killing me.

I may beat him to it. Take an allergy pill. I did. They take a while to work.

Take two. Take a sleeping pill. Go to sleep, but don't snore.

What if I have to go to the bathroom?

Excuse me?

Well? Well, what?

What about the noise?

Noise? Oh, oh, that was the Russian woman. It was upstairs.

Are you sure?

What I lied to you.

Well? Look, let's go back to being up front.

Honest? Honest.

Yeah.

There's somebody here.

I told you, nobody's in the closet.

In here.

Barbara?

I'd like you to meet Felix Unger.

Felix, this is Barbara.

Hi. Hi.

Don't mind me. Just pretend I'm not here. Oh, I can do better than that.

You left my medicine in here. I didn't want to disturb you. Okay.

Nice to meet you, Felix.

Felix, do me a favor.

Don't commit suicide while I'm gone.

Save some for me.

I thought you did, Peg, because you were masochistic.

Oh, boy.

There, now. How's that?

Let Barbara do that.

Look at this.

I thought you'd left.

No. Thanks.

I was in the kitchen.

He needed water for his medicine.

You weren't honest with me about Felix.

You should have told me your roommate was in here sick.

Oh, he's not really sick. You see, he's allergic to your perfume.

No, turns out I'm not.

I think it must be your new cologne.

Oscar.

Oh, Oscar?

I'm sorry.

I didn't intend to ruin your whole weekend.

It's not my fault it's raining.

Felix, the rain didn't ruin my weekend.

It's not like a complete loss.

You've got... You've got another date with Barbara tonight.

That's tonight.

Today I have you and the rain and your coffee.

Well, is there something you want to do now?

Yeah.

But it's got to look like an accident.

If you don't happen to have a cigar, what would you have?

I thought you wanted something to do, that's all.

Like what?

You could change the paper on the kitchen shelves.

Maybe I won't bother making...

up the discard pile. You'd drive me crazy.

Why don't you call the fellas for a poker game?

Because it's Sunday, that's why, and all the guys are married.

And on Sunday when you're married, you're married most of all on Sunday.

Even if their wives won't let them come out and play poker.

Who would be crazy enough to come out in this rain?

Just started counting out stacks of chips.

Hello, Speed.

Hello, Felix.

Are you telling me your wife let you out?

Are you kidding?

I dropped her off at her mother's. She thinks I'm looking for a place to park.

Come on, sit down.

I knew I wouldn't be the first.

Hey, look who made it. Who's that, Murray?

Is that you, Murray?

No, that's not Murray.

Do I sound like Murray? It's Roy.

Roy. How'd you get out, Roy? Hey, Roy, never mind that. Come on, sit down.

play. I'm losing money. How is he?

I'm afraid he'll pull through.

Hi, man.

Who's that?

Who just came in? Murray just came in.

Oh, man, all this yelling. It's like I stayed with my wife and her mother.

Hi, Felix. How are you?

Hi, Murray.

Terrible.

Hey, Murray.

What are you doing here? You're supposed to be on duty.

Yeah, I'm still on duty.

This is a raid. No,

I'm serious.

Listen, you call me up for a poker game while I'm on duty, right? I gotta tell

the sergeant...

It's a great

idea to have an impromptu game on a Sunday. I think it's a great idea any

What was that?

That? That is a Russian wolfhound who lives upstairs, isn't it, me talking

about. I still believe it. It's Felix.

Gesundheit, Felix!

Oscar.

What happened with the airline stewardess last night, huh?

Please, Murray.

But she just called a little while ago.

Hey, who can open, huh?

She called you? To find out how he was. But I convinced her to have dinner with

me tonight.

Murray, can you open? Who can open, huh? Pete.

What? Nobody can open because you didn't deal out the cards yet.

I think that's sad.

It's disgusting, but play louder.

Does the whole neighborhood have to know I'm losing?

Now, who's it up to, huh?

Louder, Speed.

Who's it up?

make a play?

This is Speed.

Go on home.

Oh, come on. Oh, they're yelling. Listen, everyone, the yodel I had spent

afternoon in Switzerland.

Yeah, Speed is right.

I'm getting hoarse. I mean, I never yelled at anyone in my whole life.

Forget the yelling.

Yeah, but what about the... I mean, what about Felix?

Fellas, come here. I got an idea.

put a poker chip in his glass.

You'd stop my headache.

I'm playing poker to make an headache, commercials.

Come on.

I'd better have a dollar.

You I didn't have to hear from.

I'm out.

Wow, look at that Oscar. How much are you ahead?

For once, I ain't counting, copper. It's a jinx. I'm out.

I'm out.

I'm out.

You want any cards?

No, I'll play these little lovely lights, yeah.

All right, give me two cards and I'll check to Mr.

Lucky. Here's a dollar's bet.

What's the matter?

My foot.

What's the matter with your foot? Got a crampus. All right, well, hold it just

for a second. Come on, come on, he's got a cramp. Let's go.

Here, I'll massage you.

Hold on. Come on, the man's got a bad foot here. Wait, wait, wait.

Bite on a poker chip. Go ahead.

It is by my weekend, Felix. You destroyed it. There's a difference.

Well, the weekend isn't over yet.

Yeah, and I'm going to make the best of the last few hours. I'm taking Barbara

to dinner at the Gypsy Trader. So please, if anything should happen, don't

me and don't wait up for me.

Oscar. No.

Oscar, listen to me.

I know I exaggerate. I am a hypochondriac, but if anything should...

staying home, Felix. I don't want you to. All I'm saying is... If you should

come back, and I should be... Well, will you at least see

that I get a decent funeral?

What kind of a thing is that to say?

Well, you've got this habit of letting everything lie right where it falls.

Honey, for your thoughts.

Did you make sure he took his medicine before you left? Give me back my penny.

Oh, Oscar, you know he's that helpless kind of person you can't get out of your

mind. Your mind or my life? What was his temperature before you left? I don't

want to talk about Felix. Eat me dinner.

Look, I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll make a phone call to Felix. I'll get a

full report. Either we'll rush him to the hospital or we'll forget about him

relax, okay?

That's sweet. Yeah, I'm a very sweet man.

Sasha, come here.

Listen, with dinner, I want champagne.

Get the violins over there. Very romantic, you got it?

Felix,

you're feeling better.

They had our number. It was an emergency.

I tried to call her, but the phone was out of order.

It took me ten minutes in this rain with my cold to get a cab for

three dollars to come here.

She was so grateful for all the trouble I went through to get the message to

her. You shouldn't have, Felix.

Oh, it's all right. My fever broke.

I'm beginning to feel better.

No, I don't mean you shouldn't have.

I mean you shouldn't have.

Find this amusing?

Oscar.

Hi, Felix.

Marianne Black.

This is Oscar Madison. Oscar Madison, Marianne Black.

Nice meeting you.

Hello.

I thought you weren't coming back till later.

I wasn't, but I think I caught you bugged. Oh, no. Yes, I think so. Oh, no.

Well, there's only one thing for it. Hot tea. Come on, into the kitchen.

What can I say, Marianne? Oscar's sick.

Don't worry, Felix. I understand.

Felix. I'm sorry, Marianne. Come on, into the kitchen. Move. You're sending

home? Well, somebody's got to take care of you. You don't have enough sense.

I'm sorry.

It's just a gag.

I'm not sick. It's a bad joke.

You know the trouble with you?

You don't give a guy a chance to get revenge.

I'm sorry. Look, go back to your day. Come on, have a good time. I'm sorry.

not sick. It's nice meeting you. I'm going to catch a movie, okay? I don't

a coat. I'm sorry. Oscar.

Button your coat.