Original subtitles

What do you think happened during the napkins?

No, I forgot the napkins. Listen, when I was down... It was the napkins for the

game. Who cares about the napkins? I care.

Felix, the guys are coming to play poker. They can wipe their mouths on the

money. Will you put your coat on the icebox?

Will you put your hat in the breadbox?

Felix, I don't want to discuss my wardrobe. I want to talk about girls.

take your coat off the icebox?

You know those two sexy English girls that live upstairs? You know, the doves

and the pigeons.

Well, are you ready?

We have a date with them.

No kidding. Yeah. Really? Yeah.

I don't know.

Oh, come on, Felix. Now, you promised we were going to dedicate this whole month

to meeting new girls. I know, I know. I'd like to meet a nice girl, but it's

just so hard to date.

Felix, we've been through all that. I know it's hard after a divorce. What are

you supposed to do, sit around and get bitter?

No, you have to pursue every opportunity. And I'm telling you, the

Sisters are two of the best -built opportunities in New York. I know, but

somehow I just keep... Please don't sit there.

I just keep comparing everybody to Gloria.

Don't you compare everybody to your ex -wife?

Sure I do.

And compared to Blanche, everybody looks good.

Relax, they're crazy about us. They think we're big shots in the building.

Yeah, they know you're a successful photographer. They know I'm a big -time

sports writer. See, the doorman told me.

That's very nice of Harry.

What nice? I give him five bucks a month to tell every girl in the building

about it.

That's pushy. It's pushy. Pushy is the way it's done, Felix. It's custom all

over the world, man. Pursue woman.

Except on a few Polynesian islands and a couple of bars in Greenwich Village.

Stop cooking. Tell me you're ready to attack these two girls.

All right, I'm ready to attack.

I didn't go by that.

Because I asked them to drop down tonight for some drinks after work.

Tonight? Yeah. Tonight's poker night.

Well, it's their only free night.

I've been cooking for the guys for the last 90 minutes.

Hey, give it to the girls.

It's poker food.

Who cares?

Oh, no, no, no. We can't. We just can't cancel the game at this late hour. The

guys come directly from work. Yeah, but that's the beauty of it. We don't have

to cancel the whole game.

We'll tell the guys we have some dates, and then we'll break up the game early.

See, the pigeons aren't coming till 10 .30.

Oh, no, we never quit before midnight. You know that. Every Thursday night for

the past four years.

The guys lie to their wives. They get babysitters. They sneak out of work

It's not a poker game anymore. It's a way of life.

Yeah.

You're right, Felix.

Can't ask him to break up the game early.

Of course not.

Have to trick him into breaking up the game early.

I wonder where Murray is. Probably not coming.

Let's start the games off.

Are you crazy? What difference does it make how many guys we got? You want

bodies? I'll grab two drunks off the street. Now, come on. Let's play.

How many want shredded coconut on their umaki? I came to play poker. He's having

a luau.

Hurry up. William Felix, we don't have all night.

You got my check, Roy? Oh, yes, but there isn't much left after your alimony

payments. As your accountant, I'm telling you, you absolutely must cut

unnecessary expenses.

Hey, you're right. That's it. I can't play in that club. You gotta play.

I'll lend you some money. Thanks a lot.

Here's to the monkey.

Murray, where have you been? We were worried about you.

That's nice. Somebody worrying about a cop.

Okay, have a sit -down. Come on.

Sit down, Murray.

Deal to be standing up. Felix, Felix, these guys are never going to break up

game voluntarily.

Oh, I hate to say it. I told you so. Yeah, but we've got to find an excuse.

going to be sick.

Can I get you something?

I'm going to pretend to be in pain. Maybe they'll go home. When you sit

it's like playing poker at a parade. Use your napkins. That's all I ask.

Andy, Andy, who's back?

What do you do, Murray?

I open.

What do you do, Asker?

Asker's out. What do you do, Roy?

What time is it?

Nine o 'clock.

That's an hour and a half before 10 .30.

Felix, when do they pick up the garbage for this building?

Tuesday morning.

Give him this hand.

Give him this one, too.

You always win, don't you?

Nature calls.

Murray, you're 38 years old. Why don't you just say you have to go to the

bathroom?

Use the new guest soap.

I was right.

There's a card missing. You've got to throw out the deck. We can't play with

cards. Where is it? I don't know. We don't have another deck. We'll have to

the game over.

I'm 60 bucks down on what card's missing.

Queen of hearts. I take it's the queen of hearts. Well, here's a napkin maker,

queen of hearts. Are you crazy?

No, no, let Felix do it. He draws the best. Here, Felix. Thank you. How are

going to play with a napkin? Everybody will know it's the queen of hearts. So?

We'll all have the same advantages and disadvantages.

Yeah. You ought to be able to afford more than one deck, Oscar. Well, you're

always telling me to cut down expenses.

Now draw, Felix.

Oh, look what Felix is doing.

He's drawing a picture of a queen's face that looks like Grace Kelly.

She's royalty.

Yeah. I always liked her in me. She was neat.

Yeah. I'd color the heart thin if you'd give me a red pencil. I'll give me the

napkin. Here, deal, Oscar. Deal, Oscar. How do you shuffle a napkin? You don't

shuffle it. You stuff it. Now, deal.

I still think it's ridiculous.

What time is it? Felix, the soup is not... Oh, what time is it? Here, Oscar.

Here's my watch. It's brand new. 130 bucks. It's yours.

Just never ask me what time it is again, huh? Okay, come on. Let's play cards,

huh? Come on. You're late, Murray.

What do you do?

Pass. Felix, out.

What do you have, Murray? I got a napkin with a picture of Grace Kelly.

She's the queen of hearts.

I thought she was a princess of Monaco. She is.

Look, will you stop asking questions and play poker?

I went to the bathroom. I come back. He dealt me a napkin with Grace Kelly's

face. Wouldn't you ask questions?

Come on. Felix.

Look, what are you complaining about? You got a pair of queens.

Oscar, I'll play the napkin.

I'm going to turn up the heat. I'm going to sweat him out of here. I don't know

what we're doing. No, no, no. See, I'm going to tell him that one of your

allergies is bothering you and you have to have it warm. I would like it warm.

Yeah, and they all know you're a hypochondriac. Oscar, they think I'm a

hypochondriac.

Makes me sick.

Are you in, Cochise?

How? What time is it, Vinnie? I can't see. My watch is fogged. So are my

glasses. I can't see the cards.

Are you sure you need it this warm for your sinuses, Felix? You're killing me.

That's right, that's right.

All right, who put the elephant on the queen of hearts?

Oh, pets, napkins, heat, who cares? Get the game rolling, Pat.

Now he puts it on the table.

That's worse. It's disgusting.

Murray, I can't. My arm's stuck to the table.

That's it. I'm turning off the heat. This is no longer an apartment. It's an

incubator. Roy, a man's health is at stake. We've got to think of Felix,

we? The right thing to do, fellas, is call off the game. Take it back, you

rannies.

All night long you've been asking what time it is and trying to call this game

off. What's with you? Nothing is with me. I'm perfectly normal. You're all

complaining about... Uh -huh, uh -huh.

That's probably the fire department right now. No, it's the sisters.

What sisters?

Sister Mary and Sister Catherine.

They've got a church on the corner.

See, and I was going to help them build a softball league.

And they're going to come up and borrow all my sports books.

Fellas, it's only going to take a minute. Would you wait in the kitchen?

very important.

It's not religious to stay out here.

What do I say?

You take them to the bedroom. I'll try to get rid of the guys. Yes, the only

they won't see the guys, will you?

Welcome to our humble abode.

Won't you step into the bedroom?

Oh, aren't we going to have any drinks or anything?

You'll find out.

Girls, there's been a little mix -up. It'll only take a second. We'll get

everything cleared up and we're going to have... Oh.

Are you girls nuns?

Hardly.

But we are nice girls.

I mean, we certainly didn't expect six men at this party.

Party? What party? Tell us that we've got a... Well, you did say come down at

.30. I'd like to introduce you to some very dear friends of ours. This is

Roy, Vinnie, and Murray.

Hello. These are Gwendolyn and Cecily Pigeon.

Are you a mysterious Arab sheik? No, I'm a hot Jewish cop.

Listen, girls, I have to talk to the guys in the kitchen for just a second,

everything will be straightened out. Just one second.

Help yourselves to the remaki. Oh, thank you. Thank you.

What's remaki?

Nobody's breaking up our game.

There's a code among men. Women come first. Yeah, that's the bachelor code.

married code is any night you get out, stay out. Right, guys? Right. Come on,

fellas. One night you saw the bodies on those girls. This is an emergency. Wait,

wait, wait.

There's only one fair way to do this. Let's take a vote. No, no.

I'm neutral, just like Switzerland.

You got all the money like Switzerland, too.

If you vote with Felix and me to break up the game, I'll get you tickets for

Super Bowl game. 50 yard line? 50 yard line, I'll get you in the huddle, you

hear? All right, people, we're going to take a vote. All those in favor of

continuing the game, say aye.

Aye. That's it, neutral.

Three to two, that's it, the game's over, let's go. Aye.

Aye what?

I think we should let them finish the game.

It's only fair.

We could take the girls someplace else and then come back.

After they're finished.

That's it. We win. Look, you guys come back at midnight, huh? Come on,

Switzerland. All right, who's deal?

Want some rumaki? Shut up.

Oscar, the guys love playing so much, it isn't fair to throw them out.

It's their night.

You're mad.

Of course I'm mad.

I'm mad because I know you're right.

But, Felix, what are we going to do? There are two gorgeous girls out there.

I saw them. Don't you think I'm a human being?

Keep going back and forth. Why can't we take them someplace and come back later?

I promise you, I'll try to be a swinger.

Okay. You take care of the cards. I'll take care of the girls.

Girls.

One of the poker players has to go to the hospital tomorrow, maybe for a long

time. And his last request is that he play a little longer.

Oh, how sad.

Oh, I do hope he wins.

That's nice.

Anyway, we can go out, see, and then we can come back about midnight. Now,

there's a little bar down at the table. How about a film? I love double features

with a cartoon.

Well, I'm not much in the mood for a movie. That might be a good idea.

We could go down to the laundry room and do laundry.

It's a great kid. Oh, yeah? No, it's a good idea. I need some pleasing.

Well, I've got some time to kill. I think it's a wonderful idea.

That's a wonderful idea? Yes, I'm smashing.

Listen, we'll pop upstairs and get our things. We'll meet you down there.

Hey,

Oscar, where are you taking the girls?

Felix is taking them to a laundry.

What's Felix going to do? Wash him before he touches him?

On me.

Oh, thank you.

You know something?

We could save a quarter if we wash our white things together.

Oh, that sounds sexy.

Try them together.

Honestly.

Ho, ho, ho. Santa Claus likes good little girls.

Mr. Madison's not so fussy. But are all those things yours?

I have lots more, but I didn't want to show off.

Do Oscar and I get to do our white things together, too? Oscar doesn't have

white things.

Madison, we did have an hour to kill. No, Phoenix, I'm not mad.

This is the perfect place. For what?

For a party.

In a dirty sock.

The alcohol kills the germs.

It comes from years of squeezing nose and throat spray through his sinuses.

That's true.

You look, Oscar, the ceiling needs painting.

Don't tell Felix. All right.

Reminds you of Hawaii.

Have you been there?

Oh, yes.

Did you love it?

I caught cold there.

It's trade winds, you know.

Hello!

Oh, Cecily, it's another raid.

Listen, don't give them your proper name.

Oh, it's Murray.

Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi. I just came down to tell you that we're all... I'm feeling

pretty bad about kicking you out of your place, so we took a new vote, and you

can have your apartment back.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Oh, Murray, that's great. Come on, girls, the party's moving.

Let's go, let's go.

I

just

wanted to tell you I voted no.

Last week, he ate a pair of sixes.

Sit, sit, sit, sit, sit.

Oscar? Yeah? Remember, we still have laundry down there in the dryer. It's

open most thought in my mind.

And now, my little pigeon, it's time to coo. We forget about poker. We forget

about the laundry. This is the time to finish our wine and let our minds drift

to thoughts of love.

And if they don't drift fast enough, we have some scotch here and some vodka to

help them along.

There you go, my darling. And here, Felix, you'll come sit on the couch,

you? I've told the guys a hundred times. hundred times use their coasters.

Rings, rings, rings.

Look at this.

There isn't that much to clean. If you have to clean, why don't you clean in

kitchen? You know the kitchen, it's in the other room. Because the kitchen

dirty. I think they want to be alone.

Cecily, I love you.

Where have you been all my life?

Well, we lived in Brighton till I was 11 and then we moved to London.

the nap of the carpet.

My fist is going to work its way into the nap of your neck if you don't stop.

Thank you, Gran.

You're welcome.

Well, Cecily's doing the dishes.

I finally have a minute to sit down.

Felix, come with me.

I want to talk to you.

Right now!

Nice job, Gwen.

Thank you.

I'd like to look at your room, Oscar.

Where'd you get all the laundry to do? Everything you own's on the floor.

These are my summer clothes.

Sit down, Felix.

Where? Under there somewhere's a chair. Feel around.

I'll stand.

Would you do me a favor?

What? For my birthday, let me clean up in here.

Now. At least let me empty this great big ass. That's right. Jewelry box.

I like my room the way it is.

In my room, you can eat off the floor.

You can eat off the floor in my room. Hey, look, there's some crackers over

there. Why don't you eat it?

I didn't come here to discuss my room.

In the living room are two gorgeous girls.

Two female sexy animals. And what are they doing? They're cleaning and they're

tidying up. I could get a 60 -year -old lady to do it for $2 an hour.

I've had it with you. We're going to have it out once and for all. For

stay out of my bathroom.

You know that fancy soap you hung on a rope in my shower? With water in my

I went to wash my neck. I almost hung myself. When I moved in here, your

bathroom was filthy.

It would have been condemned by most gas stations. I like filthy.

What I hate is you and your habits.

I cringe every time you empty your pockets. You put your chains in neat

piles. I'm not crazy about the fact that you have shoe trees in your bedroom

slippers. And I'm not exactly choked up about the fact that you hang your

underwear on hangers.

Felix, I took you into my apartment because I thought we could have some

But your idea of a fun evening is defrosting the icebox.

Now you've ruined another evening with your tidying and your cleaning and your

fussing.

Are you finished?

How's it coming, girls?

Take your time.

Shall I proceed?

Go ahead.

It's true that you took me in here.

It's also true that when I came, you were huddled in the kitchen eating grey

spaghetti with a pair of tweezers.

You think it's easy living with you?

Look around this room.

Looks like somebody blew up the Salvation Army.

Your closet is a slum.

Your clothes look as if they're wrestling.

You put out your cigarettes and your coffee. Look at this.

There's a little baby log jam in there.

Did you ever look under your bed?

There's stuff growing under there. Will you stop exaggerating? That's a little

dust. Lawrence of Arabia couldn't make it through such dust.

I'm giving you fair warning.

If you don't let me clean up in here, I'm going to pack my things and I'm

leaving.

Now hear this.

Never mind my bedroom. You better get out in the living room because I swear,

Felix, If one of those girls isn't hugging and kissing me passionately in

next five minutes, I'm throwing you out.

Everything's settled, girls.

Why don't you grab one of them and hug and kiss her passionately? You've only

got four and a half minutes left.

That's a figure of speech, Felix. That's a very sweet idea, Felix, but I really

think we ought to be going. Going? Listen, the party's just starting. No,

we're a bit tired because we did all the cleaning. Oh, but listen.

Don't talk,

Felix. Just don't talk.

I'm serious, Felix.

The only word I want to hear out of you from now on is goodbye. And that's the

word you'll be saying tomorrow morning.

Hangs his underwear on.

Coat hangers. He's a silly man.

I belong in a slob hall of fame.

I've always been sloppy.

My mother says I used to throw my diapers all over the floor.

I'm a rotten person.

On my fifth birthday, my mother asked me what I wanted.

I said a waste paper basket.

I'll leave as soon as I finish this wine.

Felix, it's not your fault the girls left.

I'm too pushy.

I'd scare off Mob Barker. I am.

It's that I'm too shy.

In high school, the only girl I ever asked to a dance was my sister.

You're lucky you had a sister.

She was ten years old.

The only thing she enjoyed was the balloon.

Felix.

Felix.

Maybe if we stay together, we can help each other's problems.

Well, failed as husbands.

I certainly don't want to fail as a friend.

You're absolutely right. Felix, we're staying together.

Oscar, tomorrow morning, before I go to work, I'm going to get us fixed up with

a couple of girls.

To us.

And the girls.

Watch me.

clean my room tomorrow.

God bless you, Oscar.