Original subtitles

In the late stages of the European war came the buzz bomb, a 400 mile an hour

pilotless plane that could only be caught and shot down by a jet

Off the drawing boards came great banana -shaped helicopters, able to drop

combat soldiers and surprise miles behind enemy lines.

Oh, this brings back some memories, Rodney.

Yeah?

What, you seen this film before, then?

I mean the war.

I were in the RAF, I flew in Wellington.

Why didn't you just wear flying boots like everyone else?

I'll have you know I was one of the few.

Yeah, one of the few didn't have all.

No, no, I've heard all about it, Del. They used to call him the Grey Baron.

Yeah, you just give him a jar of brill cream and a bouncing bomb and there's no

old in him.

It's the kids that know nothing.

I know one thing.

This time next year, we're going to be millionaires.

Oh, yeah.

Oi, don't you get septic with me, Rodney.

You just take a butcher's at that.

Magazine about North Sea oil. Well spotted.

Well done, my son.

Glad to see all that education is beginning to pay off.

Now, the mists of ignorance have been lifted from mine eyes.

The door has opened upon a new world.

I mean, the oil industry.

The oil industry?

What about it?

What about it? That's the typical reaction of your lame -brained punter,

is. See what I mean, Grandad? The people of this country are totally bemused by

the vast North Sea oil industry.

I mean, where does oil come from?

From the garage.

No, I don't mean where you buy it from, you soppy old goat.

I mean, what's it made of? How'd it get there?

You don't know, do you?

I know.

I've done lots of studying, haven't I?

All right, then.

Come on, then.

You chose it.

Well, it's, uh... It's made of,

uh... It's molecular structure, right?

All right, I don't know.

Let's see what I mean, Brendan.

Two GCEs in the evening course in Binary Bingo, and he thinks he's Magnus

Mackerson. All right, then. All right, then. Bam, Bart. What don't you tell us?

All right, then.

Oil comes from fermented prehistoric plants and decomposed fossils.

See, if you stick a drain in Grandad's top pocket ten million years from now,

could be lubricating the Morris Marina.

Where did you get this from, anyone?

I met this bloke down the cat.

He just finished working in the North Sea.

He gave it to me.

It's been a real eye -opener, I can tell you.

See, up till now, I always thought that oil was simply something you forgot to

put in the front of the van. I know.

There's a hell of a lot more to it than that, Rodney.

I'm talking about North Sea oil and its by -products.

Or hydrocarbons, as we like to call them.

Hydrocarbons.

He'll be playing Scrabble next.

He goes down to Dirty Doug's Cafe, has a bacon sarnie and a browse through this

magazine. Now he's acting like J .R.

All right, let's have none of your lit. Now, come over here and learn something,

will you?

Right, sit down, sit down.

Now, what have all these things got in common?

They're all net.

No.

Well, what else have they all got in common?

I'll tell you, shall I?

They're all made with oil. Not a single item on this table could have been made

without the aid of oil and its by -products, methane, propane, butane and,

course, something else.

Cornflakes don't come from oil, nor do tyres.

Oh, yes, they do, because they contain a petrochemical called carbon black.

Cornflakes contain carbon black.

No, tyres contain carbon black, you wally.

No, but the fertiliser that helped grow your cornflakes, that came from North

Sea oil.

Also, the oil that powered the lorry that delivered them to Tesco came from

North Sea oil. You see, all your lorries, your buses, your boats, your

they all run on petrol, don't they? Or derb, or jet fuel.

Even the tube trains run on electric that comes from an oil -fire generator.

So, you see, all transportation relies on oil.

An awesome cart, don't?

Oh, yes, it does, see, Mrs Nellie Knowall. I'll tell you why.

Because the food that the horse eats was grown with the aid of North Sea oil.

Also, the rubber tyres what his cart runs on contains... What, Rodney?

Oh, er, carbon black.

Oh, boy, carbon black.

I'll tell you something else that contains carbon black, and that is ink.

So you see, without North Sea Oil, you wouldn't get your page free every

morning, would you?

Rodney, that contains a lot of carbon black, doesn't it?

Oh, there's a lot to be said for the old North Sea Oil, isn't there? Yeah.

See, even that jacket you're wearing, Rodney, that comes from North Sea Oil.

Yeah. Do you remember when I let you buy it from me, I told you that it

contained 100 % polyesterite?

Yeah, most of the clothes that you're wearing come from man -made fibres. It's

all oil, you know.

Yeah, everything from your polyurethane socks to your synthetic underwear.

I mean, just imagine.

Once upon a time, your wire fronts were nothing more than a load of fermenting

plants and decomposed fossils lying somewhere off the coast of Aberdeen.

Amazing, isn't it?

It's a real mind -blower, Dale, yeah.

Mind you, in your case, I don't suppose the fossils will notice much difference.

Must be like home from home, eh, Dale boy?

Why don't you two wrap up for a while?

Oi, what's the time?

This thing still ain't working right, Dale. No, I know, but it plays a couple

lovely tunes, though, doesn't it? Yeah, but it don't tell the time.

Well, you don't know how to work it properly. That's your fault. And look at

that strap. That comes from North Sea Oil and All.

Here, Grandad.

Change the channels to BBC Two, will you? There's a documentary I want to

It's all about oil exploration.

Come on, Rodney.

Turn the lights down. We want to watch this.

I'm watching the film. Well, you can watch it again next year. Look, just

it over, will you?

Over 160 miles northeast of Aberdeen, the Maureen Field is producing oil at an

average rate of over 70 ,000 barrels each day.

Even so, it took two years from the initial discovery of Maureen in 1973 to

confirm its commercial potential.

Eleven years of spending without one penny coming back into the till.

Together with all its machinery and comfortable living accommodation for the

platform's crew of around 150 people... 150?

It must be like holiday camp.

This barge had a deck area half as big as a football pitch and qualified as the

largest custom -built barge in the world.

You'll let Arsenal have a practice on that. Might teach them to keep it on the

park, eh, Grandad?

Oui. Indeed.

Wake up, this is exciting.

Oh, I know. I'm getting excited with my eyes shut.

Production commenced on September the 14th, 1983.

And the first tanker load of Maureen oil left the field on October the 11th.

That first load of oil had actually cost over 800 million pounds to produce.

And that includes us, doesn't it?

Now you've got the full SP on the bizzo.

See, without them blokes up there in the North Sea, this country would grow into

a whore. You know, no products would get made, nothing would get delivered,

people wouldn't be able to get to work.

Well, Don, it's three and a half million people who've got no work to go to

anyway. Yeah, I know.

But without North Sea oil, that number could be doubled, couldn't it?

Because it doesn't just create jobs in its own industry, it requires products

and services, doesn't it? Because, I mean... Like, you need steel, don't you,

make the big pipes and the storage tanks. Then you need welders and

build them ginormous platforms.

You've got to have the crews to man them. Then there's food and drink,

clothing, flats and houses for the employees to live in. You know, that's

millions of jobs.

Yeah, and it makes us bits independent of that mob out there in the sand dunes.

Yeah.

Yeah, OK, Grandad.

But, Del, what I do not understand...

How come you're so suddenly interested in it?

Because we're going to earn out of this, Rodney.

How? You leave that to your big brother. I want you to read that magazine and

get an early night.

Because I've got a surprise for you in the morning.

Have I got a surprise for you?

Last time he said that, you finished up and protected his custody.

Morning. Afternoon.

Granddad, Rodney's up.

You are up, aren't you?

Yes, I think so.

He's a business contact. I'll explain to you later.

There you are, my good fellow. I think you'll find that all in order.

I'll count the money if you don't mind.

I mean, don't get me wrong. It's just that I don't trust you.

Do have to sell her flat, as the French would say.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Nine o 'clock at the cafe.

Right you are then, Paddy.

You don't mind if I call you Paddy, do you?

No.

You could call me what you like.

Thank you.

It's a pleasure doing business with you, Mr. Trotter. And with you, sir.

I hope you don't mind me asking, but how long has he been with her?

Ever since he was bitten by the tsetse fly.

No worries.

Beyond her help now.

Anyway, I'll see you in the morning, Paddy. You all right?

That's it. Mind the rest.

Here's your dinner, dear old boy.

Rodney, your breakfast.

That's it.

That's it.

I've done it. I've done it.

I've just made the deal that he's going to make us millionaires.

Oh, good.

Oh, are you sure these cornflakes don't contain carbon black?

No,

he just dropped them in... something.

I'll clean them all.

Right then, Rodney, why don't you ask me about the deal I just made? Come on,

wake up, Rodney, wake up.

What's the deal, Bill?

All right, Rodney, you win, I'll tell you.

Well, that bloke just left me as a deep -sea diver, right? And up till recently,

he was working in the North Sea.

A couple of weeks ago, he decided to jack it in and come down here.

Well, ain't a lot of call for deep -sea divers around Peckhamdale, boy.

He ain't coming here to look for a job as a deep -sea diver, is he, you silly

old... Just shut up now, Dad, will you? Just shut up.

No, he came down here to look for someone with some guts, right?

Someone who's prepared to put his money where his mouth is.

You know, a speculator.

Someone like...

Well, yeah, me.

I mean, you know me, Ronnie, eh?

He who dares wins.

Anyway, basically, us people in the oil business, you know, we're 20th century

Walter Arleys, Francis Strakes. We're an expert.

No, we're not. We're buccaneers.

I've never really seen you as a buccaneer, Dale.

A pirate, maybe.

So what's this deal then, Dale?

Well...

The way I see it, see, eventually, even the politicians are going to have to

start helping out the oil companies rather than hindering them, right?

I mean, what's the point of having a goose that lays a golden egg if you're

prepared to feed it occasionally?

I mean, the biggest waddy in the world can understand that.

You can understand that, can't you, wouldn't you?

Yes, I can understand that.

Well, the best thing to do is to get in now before the real oil bonanza starts,

right?

That is why I decided to buy something, a little item, on our behalf.

What did you buy?

Well, it's got to be a good one. It's got to be a good one. I paid that bloke

over 400 nigger for it.

400 quid?

Yeah, mind you, he wanted $400, didn't he? But I said, no way, my son.

We're dealing currency, I understand, all right?

That shook him.

What? Really?

Is that what you bought then, Del?

An oil rig.

An oil rig?

An oil rig.

What colour is it?

I don't know what colour it is.

I haven't seen it yet.

We'll pick it up tomorrow morning.

I've not seen it yet.

Are you serious?

Yeah.

Well, oil rigs cost millions and millions of pounds.

It's an oopie oil rig.

Probably better than a target, I mean.

And where is this oil rig?

It's in a lock -up garage in Catford.

A lock -up in Cat... I don't think you read that magazine very well, did you?

Have you got any idea how much them oil rigs weigh?

The one on the telly last night weighed 100 ,000 tonnes.

Yeah, it's only a small oil rig, isn't it?

We're just starting off in a small way. I thought we might call ourselves

Trotter Oil.

It's got a nice ring to it, dear boy.

Hold on.

How do you figure we're going to do any exploration or drilling?

That's the beauty of it, Rodney. We don't have to.

We just lay low in our boat for a while and we wait for one of the big oil

companies to move off the oil field. Then we whip in a bit lively and use

oil. I don't believe you.

I just do not believe you.

What's the matter with you, Roddy? Be a doddle.

I mean, you can just whip down there with your pipe and connect up, and then

we'll be pumping up crude.

For that, no.

Have you any... Hold on.

What do you mean I'll go down and fix up the pipe?

I'll be all right. I'll get you all the equipment.

Don't expect you to go down like that, do I? I mean, look, you've got a deep

-sea diver's watch. That's a start, isn't it?

Beer's watch don't work.

Well, that don't matter, because he won't be able to tell the time down

will he? It'd be too dark.

Hold on, I can only swim an hundred yards.

No, you need to swim a hundred yards.

Down.

All right, then.

All right, then.

Whereabouts are these oil fields, then?

They're offshore, aren't they? That is why they're called offshore oil fields.

Yes. But, Bill, when they say they're offshore, right, they mean hundreds and

hundreds of miles offshore.

Some of them are near Norway.

Norway?

It's Sweden, isn't it?

You thought they were just a few hundred yards out, didn't you?

No, I mean, you know, that deep -sea diver said, you know, you could see some

them from the beach.

Yeah, well, of course you can. Some of them are as tall as the Eiffel Tower.

Well, he's conned you, Del, isn't he?

I mean, he has done you up like a kipper, hasn't he?

He wasn't the sort to con me, was he, Grandad?

Of course not. He had an honest face.

Exactly.

In fact, he reminded me very much of you, Del Boy.

Don't just sit there, Rodney. Go and get the van started.

Go on, we've got to go and get Arthur in. He hides the keys.

Right. Go on, hurry up.

Spun me.

What a wally.

I've still got my pyjamas on.

Well, no one's going to notice that. Now go on, get going.

There was the van, I just remembered.

What about the man?

He's out of petrol.

He's in the naughty drilling.

And out to make a killing, it's a fiver to a shilling that he will.

He's an old man, and he's licensed to drill.

Now he could come from Dallas, or even Crystal Palace.

Maybe a town called Alice or Toadstool.

He's an old man, and he's licensed to drill.

He's an old man and his license to drill.

He's an old man and his license to drill.