Original subtitles

Hi, I'm Murphy Brown, and you must be my new secretary.

Good morning, Miss Brown.

I'm Leonard.

I'm looking forward to working with you.

Thank you very much.

I think it's very important to get off on the right foot.

And you have.

But next time, think chocolate.

Certainly.

Miss Brown, I have some messages for you.

And they're the tapes that you wanted from the editing room on your desk.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, by the way, Rush Lumbo called, and he'd like to take you out to lunch.

Oh, God, I don't think I can face that again. If you think he attacks

you should see what he does to a catfish head.

By the way, how much does he weigh?

I don't know, 250?

250 on the left side of his ass he weighs 250.

I bet his wife lays in bed at night, and when he comes towards her, he goes, No!

Great. I'm surprised you're not a permanent fixture in someone's office.

Yeah, it's a surprise to me. I'm a people person.

Hey, hey, get your hands out of your pockets. You want to go blind?

Well, Slugger, enjoy your weekend. I'm off to Maine to meet Doris. It's our

first weekend away since I moved back.

Oh, well, Jim, have a great time.

Have you met my new secretary, Leonard? No, I haven't had the pleasure, but I'm

late for my flight.

Can't keep Doris waiting.

I couldn't. Either could the Tommy Dorsey band.

Excuse me?

This one's a keeper, Jim.

Corky, honey, come over here. I want you to meet Leonard. Leonard Corky, Corky

Leonard. Oh, nice to see you. How are you today? Oh, I'm fine, Leonard. How

you? I'm fine.

I never cheat on my wife. I'm so lonely.

Let's go to the Shangri -La Motel. Be there in 20 minutes.

I'll get the war paint.

Murphy, is Leonard going to be with you again tomorrow?

Uh -huh. And for years to come.

I'd like you to meet Frank Fontana.

Frank Fontana, nice to meet you. Thank you.

Fontana, Fontana, do you know Tony Benetti?

How about Marco Bubuzuluco Badana?

What about Vito Spongini Bubuzuluco Badana?

I'll make you feel at home, okay?

Fredo.

Fredo, my son.

Fredo.

Fredo, you disappointed me. You disappointed me.

Fredo, I don't know what's happened to you.

Come on, snap out of it, huh?

I'm not going to hurt you.

What is it with this guy?

This is the beginning of a beautiful friendship. Come into my office. We'll

through my Rolodex. Maybe call a few people.

Good morning, Mr. Dial.

Good morning. You're my second celebrity of the day.

Yep. Mr. Burt Lancaster came through here not an hour ago.

He's a short man in person.

Five -two if he's an inch.

Empty your pockets. I'm afraid you must have seen someone else. See, Mr.

Lancaster is, well, dead.

It was him. I know, because he was traveling with Miss Ava Gardner.

Yes, I hear they're making a pirate movie together.

Oops.

Who are you asking today?

Me. Meet my wife there.

Oh, I heard that you and Mrs. Dial had separated.

I'll keep my fingers crossed. Thank you.

Oh, Mr. Pete.

Well, what do we got here?

Eyeglasses.

Handkerchief.

Bag of mints.

Baggie of... Is it a bag of marijuana?

What would Jim Dial, a trusted newsman, be doing with a bag of marijuana?

Can I get some backup, please?

Keep your hands where I can see them, please. No, no, please. I have an

explanation for this. Yeah, save it for the judge.

Oh, boy.

He said that hours ago.

Excuse me, Sarge. We've been waiting for two hours for you to release Jim Dial.

That's about nine donuts in police talk. What's going on?

You know, man, there's a lot of paperwork involved.

Oh, yeah, paperwork.

Let me tell you what's been going on the past two hours while you've been going

through that mound of paperwork.

Crime, and lots of it.

Why don't you have a seat, Ms. Brown?

Now, would that be reserved seating or festival seating?

At least once I'd like to meet a cop without an attitude.

Hey, Jim. All right. I appreciate you coming.

Doris is out of town. I didn't know who else to call. No problem.

Yeah, I mean, what could be more fun than spending two hours in the police

station with Murphy?

Other than, I don't know, maybe some sort of eye surgery possibly.

You okay, Jim? Oh, I'm fine.

A few embarrassing moments at the airport, a couple of hours in a holding

I think I can rise above that.

What do you say we get out of here? I can't.

Not until they return my belt and shoelaces.

Is this the pot you bought to get me through chemo?

No, it was the pot I scored to get me all loosey -goosey for the night of

I just must have left that bag in my overcoat months ago. It was just

carelessness on my part. I just feel responsible.

Fine, then you can buy me dinner.

Mr. Dial.

Oh, here.

Right here?

So, what do you say we get out of here?

Put this long day behind us. Yeah, let's go.

Wow,

what a day. Did you see all the press downstairs?

It's like the movie The Birds.

This morning, there were only a couple of reporters.

Flutter, flutter.

By lunch, there was a whole flock of them. Flutter, flutter, flutter.

Before this afternoon, there were shoulder to shoulder on the telephone

The sky was dark where there were hordes. Flutter, flutter, flutter.

The White House is in turmoil, the stock market's going crazy, and what's the

top story? Jim Dial busted for marijuana.

Have you been down to the lobby lately? It's a madhouse. I haven't seen this

kind of hysteria since my game show days.

You know, I went to the grocery store opening with Bill Cullen, Gene Rayburn,

and Dennis James.

It was like being out with the three tenors.

I was getting out of the shower this morning.

There it was.

Jim's mugshot all over the TV. No matter which channel I flipped to, his sad

eyes were just following me.

So unnerving, I had to go put on a robe.

I'm going to that meeting with you. Oh, no, no, Jim. Your lawyer said you should

stay put.

I can handle the network brass.

This is stupid. Kay, I should just go in there and tell them the truth. The only

reason Jim had pot was because of me. No, Kay.

I was the one who forgot to dispose of it. Take me.

I've had 33 years of distinguished service and an unblemished record. With

it'll just blow over. With Murphy, the press will have a field day. What do you

mean? The press loves me. They're my fellow journalists.

You remember the London incident?

The British press chased you up a tree with rapes.

They thought I was Penelope Parker Bowles.

They kept you with dinner rolls and screamed, Murphy Brown, go home.

You're just reminding me not to miss my flight.

Oh, man.

I'm coming from the newsstand, right? I'm trying to get the ten feet from the

lobby to the elevator. People are pushing, shoving, trying to get a quote

me on Reapergate.

Reporters are shouting. The cameras are flashing.

And, you know, Janet Carl, she seems like a very sweet person. She actually

gouged a piece of flesh off of my neck.

Damn, look, I got out of there alive.

Did you get my Tic Tacs? Yeah, here.

Okay, everybody, here's how I want to handle this.

We're going to issue a press release that Jim Dial was working on a story

about... Airport security.

But I wasn't.

Look, Jim, it's a simple white lie.

It isn't even a lie. It's a white stretch.

I once dallied with Ricardo Montalban in a white stretch.

I'm not going to lie.

Well, we have to do something because right now our ratings are down, our

sponsors are nervous, and my elite anchor has just gotten out of the

And while you have 33 years of an unblemished record, Jim, I'm two

paychecks away from living in a freaking trailer park.

And one of those paychecks goes to Dr. Cohen for extensive hair removal, don't

ask.

That leaves me with one paycheck, Jim, one measly paycheck between me and a

double -wide aluminum tornado magnet.

We are in the news business. We have the truth to uphold. You know what I

learned from my game show days?

Truth is relative.

People just need something to believe.

And if they wanted to believe that an avocado cooktop was a great prize, we

them.

Excuse me, Miss Brown.

I'm leaving now, and I left tomorrow's schedule on the desk. And there's some

messages for you, Mr. Dial. Oh, thank you, Leonard. Who called?

Uh, Jerry Garcia, Cheech and Chong, and I've got Bob Marley on hold.

And, okay, the cat in the hat called, and he wants his clothes back.

No, no, I'm just kidding.

You're stunning.

Look who's laughing.

Who dresses you?

Little Stevie Wonder?

See you, Leonard, and tomorrow we'll make more phone calls. No.

Today's my last day. Leonard, why? You're the best secretary I've ever had.

Thank you, but you people have been very precious to me and very generous.

But I must be very honest with you. I can't anymore. I can't work with a

Talk to me. Jim Dial doesn't smoke dope.

And I don't eat Chinese food on Sundays.

That's a Jew reach.

Well, I'll be seeing you.

And, uh, Frank, don't go fishing with your brother's bodyguard on Lake Tahoe.

Trust me, it's... Oh, isn't this great, huh?

Boy, a third -grade education, and he's got a gun.

Look, Jim, I'm going to go with Kay and tell them what really happened. Then

they'll understand that all you're guilty of is going into the park to buy

pot for a friend who has cancer. No, Murphy. There's no need to drag you into

this. This will all blow over. Jim. I'm asking you to respect my wishes.

I'm serious.

I know what I'm doing.

The charge against Jim Dial is a simple misdemeanor and is being dealt with

through the proper channel.

Come on, guys, there's no story here. You know what the problem is? It's a

news week. Nobody took their posts. No celebrities caught picking up a drag

queen. No world leaders downloading their private parts on the internet. You

know, I picked this from the tabloids, but can you guys see?

Well, of course Jim was upset that his wife was leaving him.

But that's not what made him start smoking pot.

I mean, if he did start smoking pot, which he most certainly did not.

Jim Dial smoked pot? I don't think so.

I see him every day, grease me by name.

Of course, he called me Morty.

My name is Dave.

I don't know. Maybe he is high.

I have no intention of removing Jim Dial from FYI.

And the network firmly stands behind him.

Yes, Jim had come here at the end of the day for a drink. But no, he never had

his license suspended for driving under the influence.

Oh, would you just leave the poor man alone?

Well, I was his roommate in college.

Jimmy was a good egg.

He was a little obsessive when it came to the game of bridge.

I had no idea it would lead to this.

Hey, Skeeter, get the monkey off your back.

Obviously, the sponsors and affiliates have expressed their concern.

But we at the network certainly hope and pray that it will not result in the

departure of Jim Dial from this network.

Thank you. And as the public confidence erodes, Jim Dial remains silent as to

his arrest for possession of marijuana.

You know what? I just, I can't watch this anymore.

Poor Jim.

Those executives in New York are just leaving him out to dry.

My cousin Russell castrates his hogs faster.

With more affection.

Thanks, Corky. Now, besides feeling bad for Jim, I've got that picture stuck in

my brain.

Oh, those New York lawyers are such weasels.

No, no, they're lower than weasels. They're the stuff that weasels get

their toes that even they won't lick off.

They're still giving you a hard time?

The pressure from New York is just brutal. Every time I leave their

feel like I need one of those post -plutonium silkwood showers.

This whole Jim thing is taking on a life of its own.

What do you think is going to happen?

You don't think they'd fire Jim?

Of course they'd fire Jim. They wanted to yank him after how badly he tested

last year.

Women 25 to 49 said he reminded them of their first husband.

I hate this business.

Tell me about it. The network wanted to fire me once because they said that I

was too black.

Can you imagine that?

Frank Fontana, too bland?

Come on, they'll look for any excuse.

But Jim really is innocent.

Hey,

Jim. Hi, Jim, how are you doing?

Well, I'm doing as well as expected.

You know, because of the recent events, I've become a very recognizable figure.

In fact, only today I was hailed as reefer man, doobie brother, and my own

particular favorite, old stony bones.

Jim, here's a thought.

Until this thing blows over, why don't you go relax in the Caribbean for a few

weeks? Just don't go to Jamaica.

Oh, I have no intention of being chased out of town. Oh, but Jim, why put

yourself through all this? Oh, Frank, I can handle the heat.

Why, today I had lunch at the press club, and I had the honor of being

by a list of Jim Dial's favorite movies.

Want to hear them?

High Noon, Dial M for Marijuana, Bong with the Wind.

My God, what a funny country we live in.

Jim, I'm sorry.

Oh, no, no, no. It's like a virus.

You treat it with an antibiotic, it'll last seven days.

You leave it alone, it'll last a week.

Come on.

We still have our show to put on.

And there's nothing more inspiring to the American people than to see a man

doing his job and doing it well.

Jim, I need to talk to you. Yes, Merkle. I just released a statement to the

press.

You did?

Well, I told the whole story, how you got the pot for me, how it helped me get

through chemo.

I couldn't stand by and see your job and reputation threatened.

I couldn't have been more clear with you. I distinctly told you that I would

take care of it, but you knew best. Murphy Brown to the rescue.

Jim, don't you see now that it's a medical issue, people will understand.

whole thing would have blown over.

But now you've poured kerosene on the fire.

The press has been looking for a new angle well. Thanks to you, they just got

one.

Extra,

extra, don't read all about it. Here you go. One for you, one for you, and one

for you.

Now, why don't we all turn to the story on page 15.

And you might want to put on your glasses because the print is really

It's below the fold underneath the ad for brake fluid.

Are you all there?

Murphy Brown, blah, blah, blah, chemotherapy,

pot, venerated newsman, Jim Dial.

Or leaving a ripple. I told you, see, we're in the clear. Our 15 minutes are

over. Isn't that great, Jim?

Oh, what? You're not talking to me?

Oh, come on, Jim. New Gingrich is still talking to me, and I put 976 Fankly on

every button of his speed dial.

As you predicted.

Jim's being serious.

Well, let's see if he can be serious when I do this.

So what do you say we get our story meeting started, Frank?

Yeah, Frank, let's get our story meeting started.

Well, I'm thinking maybe I'll do something on the... Oh, Jim.

Frank, you were saying?

Yeah, I thought I'd make... Hold it, Frank.

Come on, Jim.

What's going on? You've been pulling a harpo on me all week. Just stop it.

What do you want me to say?

Well, I don't know. For starters, you could say, hello, Murphy, how are you?

Then you could finish it with, you're a goddess sent from above to grace us with

your presence and unificence.

You don't have to say munificence, but that's the general area.

Hello, Murphy. How are you?

So... There, you see, I knew you couldn't hold a grudge forever.

So now that we've patched things up, why don't we celebrate?

I'll have a party.

Great! We can even celebrate Jim and Doris getting back together.

Good idea. We'll do it at my house Saturday night, and don't worry, I'll

have it catered. Actually, a party will not be necessary.

Excuse me.

Well, you can still have a party. We'll come. Yeah.

Are you crazy? I'm not having a party for you guys.

Not talking to Murphy.

How do you get that job?

Not so fast, Jim. You're not going anywhere until you talk to me.

Say, this is nice.

I've never been in one of these before.

Is this how you adjust the seat?

That Lincoln, he was a good president, and he's a good car.

I can be just as stubborn as you, Jim. Remember, I'm the same person who

Muammar Gaddafi in a tank until he agreed to an interview.

So I think if I can sweat it out in the Sudan with a man who smells like lamb, I

can survive in a luxury car with monogrammed floor mirrors.

You know what's going to happen, don't you? We're going to die here.

Archaeologists will find our skeletal remains hunched over these silly

I'm serious.

Come on, Jim.

I can't stand the silence.

Ow! Jeez, this seat is hot.

That will be the seat for me.

Oh, he talks.

Yes, we do.

Is it warmer, Jim? Well, I bought the car fully loaded.

Look, I went against your wishes because I couldn't stand by and see your

reputation ruined.

After all you've accomplished, I want people to remember Jim Dial as a man of

integrity.

Really, Jim, my butt is done. How do you turn this thing off?

You know, this week just knocked me for a loop.

I know I overreacted to what you did, Slugger, and I'm sorry, but I was just

bewildered by what happened and how the media treated me.

As a horn.

I just didn't realize how the business had changed.

A business I helped to foster.

Well, maybe it's time to walk away.

Yeah. Maybe it is.

You and Doris can move to Florida.

Spend the rest of your life having dinner at 3 .15 in the afternoon and

shells onto your hat.

I feel like the square peg in the round hole.

Last of the old guard.

Hanging on to a time when journalists covered stories that had merit.

Well, I want those old days back, Murphy.

Then stand firm, Jim.

You're the standard bearer.

If you leave, then the field's wide open for the Jerry Springers and the Jenny

Joneses and all those other muckrakers who are lurking out there in the bushes.

Never in my wildest imagination could I have dreamed of a week like this.

Well, hopefully, you and I will know when it's time to leave.

And when that time comes, we'll walk out together.

Then the kids can take over and do whatever they want.

Is that a deal?

Deal.

Look, why don't you join Doris and me for dinner?

After all, you were partly responsible for bringing us back together.

That's what I've been trying to tell you all day.

All right, let's go pick up Doris.

By when we get her, she's going to sit in the back seat, right? Because I'm

starting to like these seats.

Jim, you know, the people who make these seats, do you think they make pants,

too?