Original subtitles

Good morning, everybody.

So, did you guys read about Senator Wilhoite? Yeah, can you believe it? The

runs on the platform Morality First. You'd think he wouldn't be picking up

prostitutes in the Quincy Hotel.

Well, in all fairness, the original slogan was Try Morality First, but if

not enough fun, get yourself a hooker. But they had to shorten it to pin it on

button.

The Quincy, isn't that the hotel you were living in, Jim?

Yes. I always suspected that a few of the ladies hanging around the bar were,

well, floozies.

How could you tell?

I may lead a bit of a sheltered life, but I did see Clute.

Well, enough of the steamy side of Washington. Murphy, when is your piece

to be ready with the Internal Revenue Informant? Hey, you don't think I want

wrap this up? I've been having dinner twice a week with an IRS tax accountant.

No, no, no, no, no. I'm sorry. That makes Candy sound like he's boring, and

not. On the weekends, he makes soup.

Look, it's been three months. Is he ever going to give you that list? He's a

little skittish, so I'm taking it slow. He's going to deliver. I hope so,

because you know, if there really is an IRS enemy list, this will be a huge

story. You think it's going to happen, Murphy? Because it would be big.

You know, I'm close. I'm so close, I'm like...

Close. You guys aren't going to believe this, but the Senator Will Hoyt scandal

just got bigger.

Turns out the senator and the prostitute would have relations on the steps of

the Lincoln Memorial.

Oh, dear God.

Shot in a theater and now this.

And that's not the worst part.

Turns out his lady friend wasn't a lady at all.

She turned out to be a he.

A transvestite? You know what this is? This is Lincoln's revenge.

You can fool some of the people some of the time, but you can't fool all the

people all of the time.

Fool him.

No, I don't believe it. You can always tell when it's a man.

Really? How? Oh, the size of the hands, the Adam's apple, stubble.

You just described Linda Tripp.

Yeah. My Uncle Mel was a transvestite. We had to call him Melanie.

And we're off.

What Mel, Melanie, didn't understand was that to be a good transvestite, you've

got to put a little time into it. I mean, he'd always show up with little

that didn't fit, big old run in his pantyhose, chipped fingernail polish.

It got worse as he got older. Just lay around all day with curlers in his hair.

Has anyone ever checked the lead content of the water in your neck of the woods?

All I'm saying is you can't be fooled unless you want to be fooled.

So you're saying you don't believe the senator when he said he didn't know.

That's right. I don't believe him. And here's another piece of information. I

didn't believe Lucy when she put on that mustache to get into Ricky's nightclub.

Hello. I'm Murphy Brown, and you must be my new secretary.

Yes. Anne -Marie Delaney. It's a pleasure to meet you. Looking forward to

working with you. Oh, well, thank you. You seem very nice. Um, do I have any

messages? Yeah. One.

Sing your lessons, they shall never, never stop.

Oh, God, a singer.

Actually, no.

I'm an actor who sings. I'm surprised you don't recognize me. I was a child

star. Yeah. I was in Annie Get Your Gun with Sally Struthers. I was a little

sharpshooter.

I didn't see Annie Get Your Gun. So, look, anything you can do... I can do

better. I can do better than you. No, you can't. Yes, I can. Yes, I can.

If you don't want me to sing, please don't give me a musical cue.

Look, I like singers. I happen to be a very good singer myself. But just that

the office is not the proper place for it. Oh, sorry.

It's... It's okay.

We're just getting to know each other, and there's... Getting to know you.

Getting to know all about you.

Getting to like you.

Getting to feel like me.

Look, here's the deal.

Don't think.

Just do your job. Answer the phone. Take messages and you'll be swell. Oh, God.

You'll be swell.

You'll be gross. God.

I forgot how much I like a good show tune. You didn't happen to see the sound

music, did you? I was almost in it.

Great, great.

So then, maybe you know that song where the kids are trying to stay up and watch

Maria and the Baron at the party? Oh, please, yes, I do. So long, farewell,

be to Zane goodnight. I hate to go and leave this pretty sight.

So long.

Farewell. Farewell.

Farewell.

I saw you looking at me.

I wasn't looking at you.

Oh, I think you were, babe.

Which was extremely flattering on account of you're that hot shot news

I right?

Yeah, I'm that hot shot news lady.

So, uh, you got a boyfriend? Because I'm flying solo.

Yeah, actually, I'm married. My husband, Evander Holyfield, will be around any

minute. Although he's likely to be a little edgy because he's having some

trouble passing a stone. Now, if you'll excuse me.

Hey, um... You think I could make it in TV?

I mean, I think I got the face for it. What do you think?

You know what I think?

I think being nice to people is highly overrated. Now, if you'll just drag your

skinny ass away from this... It's me, Murphy K.

Did I fool you? I bet the senator got fooled, too.

Oh, I knew.

You believe that I thought you were a guy.

You are so good. Yeah, you really fooled me.

Oh, my God, Kay. You did all this just to prove a point?

Well, it was a slow morning.

This is amazing.

Oh, God, here are the guys. Do it to the guys.

I go to the bar, then Jim up first.

Excuse me, ma 'am.

Who was that?

Oh, it was just some guy trying to pick me up.

No, really?

Wait, you?

Really? No.

Jim, I can't seem to find a waitress. Could you go to the bar and get me a

ginger ale, please? Certainly.

Hey, what's up?

a couple beers for me and my pal here.

Oh, just a ginger ale, thanks.

Yeah, probably healthier.

Hey, man, let me get it.

Oh, thank you.

Hey! He was out by a mile! What a load!

Hey, are you an Orioles fan?

Yes. Go Birds.

Well, hello -de -do -de -do.

Check out the short skirt with the Mundo headlamps.

I wouldn't kick that out of bed if she was eating crackers, you know what I

mean? Yes.

Crackers make crumbs.

I understand.

That clientele at Phil's seems to be changing.

Hey, uh, you, pretty lady.

You are one stone fox.

Thank you.

Seem a little uptight.

Maybe I could buy you a grasshopper.

No, thank you.

Come on, Corky.

Why are you a grasshopper? You never know. You could be the one.

Hey, she sticks out in all the right places, doesn't she? All right, look,

I don't appreciate you talking about my friend like that. Come on, man, don't be

such a wuss.

Did you hear that, Frank? He called you a wuss. You're not going to let him get

away with that, are you? Let's you and me step outside. Come on, man. What are

you talking about?

Let's you and me step outside, and we're going to take a hike.

Hey, just listen. Come on, just listen.

but not like that.

Frank, am I still making you uncomfortable?

Uh, no, no.

Well, maybe a little.

Why don't you go get changed, okay?

Now. Come on.

Come on. Come on, Frank.

Kiss me.

Come on. It's not like kissing a man.

Come on, this will free you.

Paige and Con Air.

Okay, I guess you're just really dying to change your clothes now, huh? You bet

I am. I hear I am at the office.

I should have on a tie.

You know what I was just thinking?

If I were going to dress up like a man, I'd wear cowboy clothes. You know, chap,

duster coat, bandana.

Oh, please, Corky, you would look like a man. You'd look like Quick Draw McGraw.

Right, Jim?

If you were going to dress up like women, how would you dress? Oh, Corky.

on, I'm asking.

Oh, I don't know.

Nice pantsuit.

Nothing too tailored and definitely not too much makeup.

My God, it's like Berlin in the 20s.

Hey, Bert.

Penny. Hi, what are you doing here?

Can I talk to you?

Yeah, sure.

My office is right over there. Go on in and make yourself comfortable.

Thank you.

Okay, you're giving me the list.

I wonder how I should pose when they put me on the cover of Time. Like this?

See, all my hard work is finally paying off.

So, Kenny, great to see you. And I'm hoping your visit means that you have

something for me. The enemies list?

You know, a lot of people think I'm just a dull, boring, pencil -pushing number

cruncher. Oh, well, you're not. Where is it?

Right here.

The list is in your pocket?

No. My heart.

I'm in love with you.

What? In love with me? No,

no, no.

Infatuated, perhaps, or maybe just beguiled. But what you and I have is a

working relationship.

It started out that way, but then it grew.

Don't you feel it, too? Now, you see, that's infatuation. Remember why you

contacted me in the first place?

I wanted to preserve the good name of accountants everywhere.

Nobody should use numbers to hurt people.

That's right.

You have information that people need to know.

Don't you see? Once I go public with the information, I'll never see you again.

Well, of course you will. You'll see me all the time.

I'm on TV every week.

It's not enough.

You know what else? I have an article in next month's Red Book. It's called The

Worst Turkey I Ever Made. It's me in an apron with my hand up a turkey.

I don't think you understand the wealth of feeling I have for you. Oh, no, no, I

think I do. It's just that, Kenny, you and I are never going to happen. I'm

sorry.

Boy, I feel like a king -size dope.

See you around. No, Kenny, don't go.

It's not that I don't like you. It's that I'm seeing someone.

Oh, of course.

Why wouldn't you be?

Beautiful woman like you?

Who's the lucky guy? Is he a celebrity, too?

Is it Hoyt Axton?

Hoyt Axton?

No, no. How did you get there?

Oh,

well, here he is. Rick, darling.

Darling, I'd like you to meet Kenny Hollenbeck.

Kenny, this is Rick Rickenbeck.

How you doing, man?

How you do?

Um, maybe you heard Kay, our boss, talking about how Kenny and I have been

working on an IRS story together.

Kay, right.

Yeah, Kenny didn't know that you and I are an item.

Yeah, an item.

Yeah, we're getting hitched in June.

We're gonna have babies.

Lots and lots of babies.

Them's childbearing hips, ain't they?

Not in the office.

Look, uh, I'll meet you later at our spot.

You mean the water cooler? I mean get out.

When the War Department gives you orders, you go marching.

I've got to go. This hurts too much.

Kenny, don't leave.

How can I trust you? I bared my soul to you. You never once mentioned this Rick.

I've got to go. Kenny, wait.

Don't go. Kenny.

Did you get the list?

No. Turns out he's in love with me.

No. Really?

Wait, you?

Really? No.

Still no luck with Kenny?

You know how much time I put into this IRS story? You know how much I've

about taxes and soup?

Sleep on this, and then first thing in the morning, we'll figure out a way to

get to Kenny. No, by tomorrow, we'll go to Cokie Roberts. She tells everyone

she's single.

I just got off the phone with the producer of Dateline. He called to brag

the interview they've got with an IRS insider.

Yup, sounds suspiciously like your story. I'm going to go find Kenny. Where

you going to go? Well, where else? He only goes one place.

The bar at the King Arthur Motel. Wait a second.

Well, this is a recipe for disaster.

All Kenny wants is Murphy's love, and all Murphy wants is that lift.

He needs tender, loving care, and he's going to wind up with a big old cocktail

tray across his forehead.

I hate to lose this story.

The one thing standing in the way of us getting that story is that damn Rick.

I'm sorry, Kenny. He's very charming.

Why did I have to dress up like a man?

Why did I say we were engaged?

And why am I still wearing boxer shorts?

Murphy!

Kenny, I'm sorry you left on such a bad note. I wanted to talk to you again.

This is just how I imagined it. Me sitting here at our table, you walking

through the door and begging me to take you back.

I'm not here because I love you. I'm here for the list.

You know, I've been eating in this place for 15 years and nobody ever knew my

name. Then I started coming in with Murphy Brown.

Now suddenly I have my own table. They know my order. The maitre d' says, good

evening, Mr. Hollenbeck. How are you tonight?

I say, I'm fine, Paul.

I never even knew Paul's name before.

You're just the tip of the iceberg. Why, once you go public with this list and

people see how brave you really are, you'll be the toast of the town.

Really? You think so?

Well, think about it. What woman could turn down a famous accountant?

So what do you say?

Well, I guess I should give you that list.

Ah, yeah, here you are, Murphy.

So you're still seeing him behind my back.

You told me you were going out for a quart of low -fat milk and a pack of

smokes.

Rick, honey, go home.

You're doing a bad thing here. You're stringing me along, sweet cakes.

Rick, this isn't what you think.

Rick, go home.

No, babe. I'm through with you. Rick doesn't live there anymore.

There's your damn keys.

You can have her.

Oh, Rick, can I talk to you in private?

Honey?

Rancho.

Just sit tight, Kenny. Nothing has changed.

Rick! Kenny!

Rick, what in the world?

Excuse me, Miss Brown.

Would you favor me with a dance? I'm with someone.

Come on, we're on a dance floor. Let's dance. Hey, come on, buddy. She said she

was with someone. Take a hike.

Okay, I'm dancing with a

woman from the King Arthur Motel discotheque. How many words in that

you think bug me?

Just trying to help.

I was this close to getting the lift.

I thought if he saw you break up with Ricky, he'd think it was a positive sign

and he'd give it to you. All right, all right. Let's think about what to do.

You're a really good dancer, Gary.

Just go over there and say that we're back together and then leave.

What? We're back together? What?

Yeah, we're back together.

Well, did I apologize to you or didn't you apologize to me? Who cares? We made

the whole thing up.

Women.

Sorry you had to see the dark side of me, Kenny.

Hey, and you, Pumpkin.

See you at home later.

So, Kenny, who is?

Murphy.

I can't stand it anymore.

I can't face myself in the mirror.

Rick and I have been having a tour to care behind your back.

I love Rick, and he loves me.

And nothing can break us apart. Isn't that right?

Time out, time out.

Kenny, just stay here.

Corky, Rick, let's dance.

You don't have to ask me twice.

You feel like Tony Orlando.

What are you doing here?

Well, I wanted you to get your story back when I saw Kay. Rick.

I'm sorry, Kay.

Rick. I thought this would help you do it. Well, it didn't.

I'm just going to lose it while you two get out of here.

Look, I feel like I'm in the middle of something private here.

I'm just a bureaucrat. It's not like I work at the White House.

Are you kidding me?

Look, I know this looks confusing, but it's really not. You see, Rick and Corky

have some issues to discuss, and then we can resume our normal conversation.

They're just leaving.

Rick, stop.

You and Mary Beth are two of my oldest friends. I won't have you break up a

perfect marriage for some torrid affair with her.

Or me.

Kenny already knows about Rick and me.

What?

Poor Mary Beth.

on with you people here? What kind of person are you? Going out with him? Was

going out with her? And all the while you're married to Mary Ann? Mary Ann.

Before this goes any further.

How much further can this go? This is already like Caligula.

I'm sorry.

But for years I've had these deep feelings and I just can't hide them any

longer. Kenny, I'm hopelessly in love with Rick.

Hey, man.

Mercy.

Here's the list.

I'm going home now and take a shower. You people make me feel so very dirty.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. There must be like a hundred names on here.

This is unbelievable.

Senators, judges.

We have to make a pact that we never talk about how we got this list. Oh, I'm

in. No problem. Scouts on it. I haven't had this much action since my senior

prom.

Hello, Frank.

That's Dan.

Oh, what the hell?

You must really be just dying to get out of these clothes, huh?

There's something I've been meaning to tell you.

Yeah, what?

For two years, I've been dressing as a woman.

Of course you are. I knew that.