Original subtitles

Hold it! Hold it!

Jeez.

Could you make some room, please?

Is it possible to cram any more people in here? I'm sure we're over the weight

limit, sir.

God help us. Are you through?

No, not yet.

Um, ma 'am, did you put on enough Estee Lauder this morning? Not only can I

smell your perfume, I can see it.

Could you push 12, please? The exercise would do you good.

Someone press that button. She's sucking out all the oxygen.

I know that voice.

Hey, lady.

Lady, will you watch it? That's an umbrella, not a thermometer.

Hey. Jerry?

Jerry, go as I live and breathe. Hey, Brown.

What's it been, like six years?

Oh, God. So how's Germany been treating you? Well, nothing could be sweeter than

to be a Jew in Germany. I've got the number one dog show. I'm driving a

with a personal license plate that reads Juden 1.

Wow. Who digs? Well, it's about time.

Oh, we like them. Our own little window on the world.

Yeah.

Hey, Jerry, it's great to see you. How come you're in Washington?

Oh, a little business, and as mouth -watering as German food is, I'm

homesick for one of Phil's big, greasy cheeseburgers.

Want to join me? I'm still a big eater. I have an expense account now.

Yeah, well, I hate to break it to you, but Phil's no longer takes Deutschmarks.

That's okay. I'll put it all on my master race card.

Oh, sure.

Jerry Gold.

Jerry Gold.

Jerry Gold.

Oh, I missed you, too.

So, what's new in your life? Still married, or did your husband decide he

some intellectual stimulation?

Why are you here, anyway?

Who's watching Gates of Hell?

Hey, guys, look who came to visit.

Long time, Fontana.

Hey, Terry.

Still the weakest grip I have ever felt.

I guess you never got around to using that little squeezy thing I gave you,

And dial, you big old wax figure, you. Give me a hug.

Jerry.

Now, you see, this is a grip. Oh, oh.

So what can I do to town? Well, I'm just, you know, catching up with some

friends. So I guess it's going to be a short visit, huh?

Well, don't be surprised if when you return to Germany, the wall is back up

higher and electrified.

All right, I'm done.

Well, Dial, let me guess what is new in your life, huh?

Nada, am I right?

For your information, Buster, plenty has changed in my life.

For one, Doris and I are separate.

Really? So she came out of her coma?

Boy, this is great, isn't it? Just like old times.

What about you, Fontana? How's life for you? Well, for your information, I am

dating a beautiful woman named Elizabeth, and we're very happy. Thank

Really? Well, put her there.

Nice to meet you, Elizabeth.

Okay,

enough of these fond

reminiscences. Come on, Gold, I want to show you my new office. Good morning,

all.

Well, hello. Hello there.

Okay, this is Jerry Gold. I know who he is. Jerry Gold, I love your talk show. I

get it on my dish at 4 a .m.

I'm Kay Carter Shepley, executive producer of FYI. Nice to meet you, Kay.

Even you have a better grip than Fontana.

Okay,

so there's a sexual history, am I right?

Sexual but fraught with deep political differences.

He's a jerk, if that's what you mean. What Murphy's on that TV shock jock,

never understand.

Well, I think he could be really good for Murphy.

What exactly don't you like about him?

Where do I start?

The rudeness. The self -absorption. The uncanny ability to just walk into a room

and take it over.

Are we talking about Murphy or Jerry?

As far as I can see, they're perfect for each other.

I can't believe you walked back into her life now. She's at her most vulnerable.

Hey. I don't have anything on my schedule, so Jerry and I are going to

hockey. I'll see you guys tomorrow.

Listen, it was great seeing you again, wasn't it?

See ya.

Wow, Brown, I love what you did with the place.

I haven't done anything. It's the way it always was.

Really?

Is that fireplace always there?

Yeah, ever since 1847.

Well, you're doing a good job with it.

Oh, and...

Here's that sweet little girl of yours.

It's a boy, Jer.

Well, good, because she's looking a little butch.

So, tell me, Brown, how are you doing?

I have good days, and I have not -so -good days. But today's a good day.

you look good. Really? Yeah.

Really? Yeah, you look beautiful.

Even with this thing on my head?

I like it. And do me a favor. Save that wig hat, because by the time your hair

grows out, mine will be gone.

And I've often wondered what I'd look like as a frosted blonde.

I'll tell you who you'd look like. Nancy Sinatra.

Really? Well, thanks.

So, did you... Did you think you were going to die?

Well, it crossed my mind.

I mean, to tell you the truth, it still does.

Usually after I've walked down a 7 -Eleven hot dog.

You know, I've got to get you over to Germany. There's this little place off

Autobahn in Baden -Baden or some kraut name like that.

They make the world's greatest hot dogs. I mean, you would love them. You bite

them to them and they snap. They're so delicious. You get a pint of beer.

You know, it just doesn't get any better.

You don't get any better, Jerry. It's so good to see you.

Did it hurt?

What? You know, when you had your operation.

Yeah, it hurt, but it doesn't hurt now.

I hate to think of anything hurting you.

Did it leave a scar?

Just a little one. You'd barely notice.

It's just a teeny scar, is what it is. It's just teeny tiny.

Do you want to see? No, no, that's okay.

Really, it's okay. In the last few months, I've been opening my shirt for

doctor, nurse, technician, and once for a guy who turned out to be a well

-dressed pharmaceutical salesman.

He was the most complimentary.

Plus, I got a ballpoint pen that says Prozac.

Well, you know, I don't know if I want to see a scar that you're showing to

everybody. I always thought I was special.

No, you'll see. It's nothing.

Okay, I'll take a look. Just a peek.

I don't know if the wig enhanced the experience for me, but it

certainly didn't hurt.

I had a lovely time.

What the hell are you doing?

I'm having a smoke.

Come on, Murphy. You know, the bedroom after sex.

There's got to be one place you haven't declared smoke -free.

That's right. You're European now. So have you stopped seeing a dentist, too?

Why are you holding your cigarette like that?

Like what?

Like you're in a foxhole with Sergeant Schultz.

All right, all right. I'll put it out.

Is, uh, potpourri flammable?

Oh, no.

It's just dry twigs. Go ahead.

Jerry,

there's just something I want to say, you know, just so there's no

misunderstanding. Yeah?

This was really nice, you know.

Well, it was great, in fact. I just don't want you to get the impression

this is going to become some long -term serious relationship because, you know,

it's not who I am.

No, no, I feel exactly the same way. Oh.

Oh, great.

So we're on the same page.

Absolutely.

Besides,

I'm getting married this weekend.

Oh, come on. Come on, Brown. No, no. Brown, please.

I've got to hand it to you, Gold. This sure beats the hell out of those

impersonal wedding announcements you get in the mail.

Now, look, I was going to tell you right after I touched your breast.

Let's just dissect that sentence and see if we can't find that hidden flaw in

logic. Oh, come on. Oh, no.

Look, you said yourself that you didn't want a serious relationship.

Come on, it's always been this way with us. You know, we're friends.

Friends who, you know, every once in a while... Every once in a while what? Get

together and share a hoagie?

regional food reference, but yes.

Now, look, look, this is not why I came here.

I mean, this just sort of happened.

I came here to ask you if you'd be my best man.

Best man?

You sleep with me and ask me to be your best man?

Well, if you sleep with the flower girl, you go to jail.

Look, there is no one in the world closer to me than you.

And you know how much I care for you. I mean, what do you think that whole seven

minutes was about up there?

Six and a half of that was me.

Look, please, Murphy, will you stand next to me at the altar?

Please.

Well, tell me about the lucky gal, Jer.

Clearly she's not a smart woman.

Oh, I can't wait till you meet Elka.

Elka?

She's German.

Don't look at me like that. Her parents are farmers.

So we're at the little far line now, waiting patiently on the Rhine, carving

cuckoo clock?

No, she's at Bloomingdale's being fitted for a wedding gown.

She's here?

She's here?

Bloomingdale's? Well, you and I... We're sharing hoagies.

Do you have any idea how wrong that is?

We are having sex and your wife -to -be is across town buying a wedding dress?

How many commandments do you think we broke up there in those seven minutes?

Why not just worship a golden cow? All right, all right, all right.

Listen, I didn't plan this.

It just happened like spontaneous combustion.

I mean, we're like a firework shack in the middle of July, and it's hot.

And it's raining gasoline?

Yeah, like that.

Oh, come on, Brown.

Please, will you be my best man?

Well,

what can I say?

Traditionally, it's the best man's job to get the groom laid. And doggone if I

haven't come through with one card.

Frank, I'll be in editing if anyone needs me. Oh, too bad. You're going to

Elizabeth. I'm taking her out to lunch.

She's coming here?

Oh, then editing can wait.

I'm going to stick around and finally meet her. Oh, great. You know, because

Elizabeth is just unbelievably special. Don't go anywhere. I'm just going to

slap on a little aftershave for Elizabeth. I'll be right back.

Brown, I'm going to pay you back for the tuxes. I'm good for it. Yeah, so much

for your Bank of Dresden credit card.

You know, I've seen them cut people's credit cards in half before, but I've

never actually seen them set one on fire.

Jerry!

Congratulations!

I hear you're getting married, and not to Murphy.

You're not even marrying a United States citizen.

Yep, it's a great day for the red, white, and blue.

Look, everyone, it's Stonehenge!

Murphy, I'm going to use your phone and call a florist.

Jim, Jerry has low blood sugar. I hope it keeps dropping.

Don't you guys go anywhere. Frank's Elizabeth is coming.

Oh, yes. Oh, after all this time, you mean we're finally going to meet the

elusive Elizabeth?

Murphy, look.

It's Elizabeth.

She's gorgeous.

Boy, I've got to hand it to Frank for a guy who spent so much time trying to

find the perfect woman. It just goes to show good things do happen to good

people. Excuse me, I'm looking for Jerry Gold.

I'm his fiancée.

And sometimes they don't.

Elka? Yeah?

Oh, Elka, it's very nice to meet you. I'm a friend of Jerry's, Murphy Brown.

Yeah, Murphy. Jerry told me all about you.

Oh. Let me introduce Corky Sherwood and Jim Dial. Hello.

Yes, it's nice to meet you. Best of luck. Really.

I guess you're probably here to see Jerry, so I'll just go get him. No, no,

I want to get to know you. We can talk.

Jerry, Elk is here.

It's a little awkward, yeah?

Awkward? No, no. I mean, you're the bride. I'm the best man. There's no

to be awkward.

Murphy, I know about you and Jerry.

You do?

Yeah, I know that you slept together.

Well, you're right. It's awkward. Jerry!

And I think it was no big deal.

Yeah. Well, it was no big deal. It was years ago.

In fact, I think it went Adam and Eve, me and Jerry, and then the Crusades.

You know,

Brown, this is two -thirds of a great fantasy.

He is so vulgar, isn't he?

Oh, yeah.

Hey, Frank and I are heading out to Chinatown. We're going to eat until we

sweat. Any papers?

Jerry, you're back to visit Murphy.

Isn't that great?

Funny how they're drawn to each other.

You and Murphy should come along with us. Okay. This is Elka, Jerry's fiancée.

Fiancée?

Well, that just jams the crapper.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

All right, who's eating? Let's go.

waiting for your girl. Oh, well, she can make it. Something about a cracked

filling.

What? Frank, are we ever gonna meet this girl? Wait a minute, wait a minute,

wait a minute. A cracked filling? Now, that is a new one, Fontana.

It used to be when your dates didn't show up, they were just overinflated.

Now, you know, I would like you to meet my, in the flesh, real fiancé.

Really? Hello.

Hello.

You know, uh...

Mono to mono, Fontana, the thing that I absolutely love about Elke is that after

sex, she just rolls over and goes right to sleep.

She doesn't even want to be held.

I hate you.

You know, Kay, Elke's from Germany.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. Uh -huh.

Best to be held in the air, Augen auf der Spitze.

Then he's been high for a long time.

Oh, so sagen Sie.

Brücken Sie dort vor.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Is that Jerry Deutsch?

Nein.

Wunderbar.

Speak English. Speak English. Come on, Elke. We've got to meet that minister.

Goodbye, everyone. I will see you in the church. And the wedding is Saturday.

Fontana, my best man, will fill you in. I want everyone there at one o 'clock.

Hey, can I bring Elizabeth?

Oh, sure. You bring Elizabeth. I'll bring the Pope.

Murphy?

Well, how did you let this one get away? Get away? I barely escaped.

Oh, come on. I see the way you look at one another.

Does it bother you that they're getting married?

Kate, believe me, Jerry Gold is not the one that got away.

So there's nothing between you guys?

We're just old friends.

Oh, well, then that certainly explains why he came all the way to Washington to

see you before he got married.

I'm sure he had his reasons, and I really think you're reaching.

Huh.

Because I would have bet that you two ended up in bed yesterday.

My mistake.

One last chance.

Do you want to tell me the truth, or do you just want me to know it?

Mom.

Good Lord, Frank, what happened to you?

I don't know, Jim. Could it be that it's raining outside and this FYI

umbrella... That K got us all for Christmas just happened to break after

seconds. It was a parasol.

It's not meant for the rain.

Oh, gee, you know, what a great Christmas gift. I mean, you know, what

can have too many parasols?

Where's Elizabeth, Frank?

Oh, well, she can't make it. But you know what? She's cooking me a big, big

lasagna dinner tonight.

It's going to be great.

Is that right, Frank?

Mm -hmm. Yeah, because you know why? I love garlic, and she loves garlic.

And the two of us are just going to be at home. We're going to light a little

fire, open a bottle of Chianti. Frank, stop it.

We all know there's no Elizabeth.

And we know how hard it is for a single man in his 50s to admit that there's no

Elizabeth in his life.

Wait a second, Corky. You saw Elizabeth at that marathon that we both ran in.

You pointed in the general direction of a hundred women, Frank.

Look at this. Look at my neck. Look at this. I love bite. Look at this here.

Right here. Hickey.

It starts with pinching yourself on the neck and then it ends with you doing one

of these in the doorway.

You know, when I was a kid, I used to always get nosebleeds whenever it

Why? Because it was so cold out?

Yeah, that. And when it's cold out, the other kids are less receptive to

criticism.

What's the matter, Brown?

Stupid tie. I can't get it straight.

Here, here, here.

That's easy. There you go.

So, are you nervous?

Nervous? Are you?

Oh, great.

Lightning. Now, that has got to be a bad sign.

Let's just cut this whole thing off. What is going on with you? Oh, nothing.

You're having second thoughts, aren't you?

Me, having second thoughts? Hell, I barely have first thoughts.

You came back to Washington, isn't it? You wanted me to tell you to call this

whole thing off.

You are so wrong.

Oh, yeah? Well, then why didn't you get married in Germany? Why'd you come all

the way back here?

Look, I can get married wherever I... You know, I'll tell you what's really

going on here, Brown.

You are having a problem with me getting married.

Me? Believe me, no one wants to see you get married more than I do.

Okay. Then it's showtime.

Yeah, showtime.

Look, that's okay. We don't need lights. Right. We don't need lights. We don't

need music. Come on, Alka. Let's go. Schnell, Schnell.

Everybody. Here comes the bride.

Da, da, da.

Da, da, da.

All right, Father.

Take it away.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join this man and this woman in

holy matrimony.

If there is anyone who feels that they should not be wed, let them speak now or

forever hold their peace.

All quiet on the Western Front, Father.

Thanks for the help.

Elke Hasengut, sir?

Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?

Yeah.

And do you, Jerry Gold, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Oh, Maya.

I'm getting a nosebleed. What?

Oh, it's a great party, huh?

Come on, Brown. I want you to help me here.

A nosebleed?

What's the matter, gold chickening out?

Yeah. Oh, don't give me that. You know, you act like you're so... Look, I told

you. You were right.

Oh, Brown, I don't know if I should be doing this.

Are you nuts? You're in the middle of a wedding. I know. Your wedding. I know, I

know. It just hit me.

After I say I do, we lose each other, you and me.

Yeah.

You know, we had a pretty good thing.

It was easy, comfortable, it was safe.

Yeah.

Safe.

But you know, Jared, there's no such thing as safe.

Even if you're standing still, there's no such thing.

What I went through the last six months taught me that. It also taught me

there's no such thing as standing still. So if you love her, you've got to do

this.

The question is, do you love her?

I don't know.

What is love anyway?

Is it feeling?

Comfortable enough to be making love and then stop to hear who's leaving you a

message on the answering machine?

Or that she still wants you after she's seen you naked in broad daylight?

Or that you buy her flowers just because it's Tuesday?

I think so.

Well, then I love her.

But this is so crazy. I mean, here we are, the two of us, at a church.

And it's not our wedding.

Yeah, but you know what would happen?

Two weeks after we'd tie the knot, one of us would be carrying the other's body

parts in a bag down to the freezer.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Your zipper's down.

So is yours.