Original subtitles

So, what's everyone doing for Valentine's Day?

Oh, I'm buying a big box of chocolates, and then I'm buying a treadmill. Guess

which one I won't be using.

Valentine's Day is a made -up holiday created by the greeting card people.

The whole purpose is to increase the gross national product. Well, no, thank

you. Jim Dial isn't buying into that.

Yeah, you didn't get anything for Doris?

No, no, I bought her a Cadillac. One that sings, but no greeting card.

Well, I bought Elizabeth a greeting card. Sucker.

And I also got her a little bauble as well. I know most of you don't believe

the existence of my girlfriend, having never seen her, but believe me, she

exists. And to prove it, get a load of this.

She really, she wanted to wait till Valentine's Day, but she just couldn't.

probably had to get it out of her house because it was keeping her up at night.

But I don't know, it's not exactly the kind of thing that I would buy for

myself.

Ever. But, um... I'm just kind of cute.

Well, I haven't seen anything quite like that. What kind of material do you

think that is?

Unborn linoleum.

Morning, everyone.

Sorry I'm late, but the traffic was hideous.

You know, last night, I, uh... Last night, uh... Oh, gee, Frank, that shirt

so loud, it's affecting my middle ear.

Elizabeth got it for me. I'm too nauseous right now to discuss your

friend.

But I've got a bit of exciting information.

Everybody ready?

Yeah, sure. Yeah.

Last night, I had the greatest idea.

FYI goes to Paris.

Oh.

Broadcast outside the Pompidou Center.

I devote stories to the impending unification of Europe, the common

You know, big stories. Oh, great. So I took my brainstorm up to the network

brass. How did it go?

Well, they took my idea, worked their magic on it, and came back with an idea

their own. Yeah?

A show made up of old FYI clips.

Called FYI then and now?

For cable?

What about Paris?

Well, Paris would cost them money. The cable show will make them money. What do

you think they chose?

Hey, I like your Paris idea better.

Oh, that was a better idea. But here's the best idea. Me keeping my job? I'm

really keen on that idea.

You know, syndicating the old shows might not be such a bad thing. It could

nice to see some of our old stories again.

Yeah, a chance to relive history.

If we do not learn from the mistakes of the past, we are destined to repeat

them. Yeah, that's exactly what we're talking about here. Repeat.

You want to rerun the news? If I want to watch reruns, I'll watch Petticoat

Junction. You know, that is still one of my mother's favorite shows.

She loves looking down her nose at Hooterville. I mean, we have a water

back home. We don't bathe in it.

A show like then and now could inform a whole new generation.

Well, great.

So here's the deal.

Each one of you select your favorite piece from the past 20 years, and we'll

film a follow -up. But, Kate, I don't have enough time or energy to do the job

have now.

So I tell you what, why don't you just pick whatever clips you want, tell me

when the show is, tell me where to stand, and send me my check.

You can get extra money for this, right?

I have a child.

Well, sure, there's money, table money. Well, that's a lot, isn't it? Well, it

is when you order it, not when you're on it.

Entrez, mes amis, mes amis.

You could not go to Paris, so I have brought Paris to you.

Imagine that you're in a little boîte on the banks of the Seine. Oh, that's a

nice thought. But we're not there, are we, Kay? We're in the basement, where

they keep old game show props and cleaning supplies.

You are so rude, monsieur.

A very Parisienne.

This is going to be so exciting. Just like watching old home movies at

time. Except Uncle Caleb isn't passed out face down in the tree water.

Oh, yes, Uncle Caleb. Isn't he the one who was married to your Aunt Tammy?

Oh, my God, I'm becoming fluent in her family tree.

Okay, here's the first tape.

Whoa. Oh, my.

Look at all that hair. Look at all that hair.

Who are you talking about, Frank? I'm talking about me in that toupee. Oh,

Kay, they made me wear that on the air. Oh, I love toupees.

There's nothing sexier than a man taking his hair off in the dark.

Oh, boy, stop right there.

You look so young.

You know, that must have been one of Jim's very early reports.

We're going live from the deck of the Mayflower. This is Jim Dialwood. That

have been before electricity, right, Jim?

What were they using back then? Wood -burning hammers?

You know, just because you guys are down here strolling down memory lane is no

excuse not to have donuts upstairs.

Well, don't mind me. I'll just take the whole tray.

Oh, man. Look how goofy you all look.

Murphy, you might want to leave while you're still ahead.

Lloyd, cue the next tape. What do you mean?

That's not Murphy.

That's a life support system for that hair.

Oh, that was my Noriega interview.

I was really at the top of my game then. I got to go on the record on

everything. And yet, you know what I remember most about that interview?

He had incredibly bad breath.

Really? Well, you'd never know it by looking at him.

Well, you know, use it or not, it's up to you.

Or, you know what? Better yet, why don't you use that interview I did with

Kissinger in Beijing?

I've got an idea. Why don't you sit down here and pick your own piece? Oh, okay.

Come on, Bonnie. Up, up, up.

Oh, look at those lapels, Jim. Where'd you get that jacket off a dead clown?

Has anyone seen Corky? Okay, there you are. Listen, about this Ben and Al

I'm going to need more time. Oh, no, no, we don't have any more time. We're

already behind schedule. I am having trouble finding the right story. I've

through hours and hours of tapes of story after story of mine, and there's

nothing that just sort of jumped out at me.

Now, when you say jumped out, do you mean how about?

Because if you do, Frank, I think you're expecting way too much out of your

pieces. Listen, I just want to have a story that screams Frank Fontana. Please

don't scream at me, okay?

You know, a signature piece, like John Chancellor, the 68 Convention, or Dan

Rather, the Galveston Hurricanes. Robin Leach, Jaja's walk -in clock. Yes!

You see, even Robin Leach has a signature story, and I don't!

Oh, he wants a piece that jumps out.

See,

Corky didn't jump out when I went...

Corky,

you know what I think would be great? The piece you did on Mrs. Dale and her

cookie franchise.

Really? Because I was thinking about going to my air traffic controller's

report. Well, now that was a good report, but...

You did that just a little while ago. The title of the show isn't just a

while ago and now. It's then and now. Give me some then. Now.

Well, how far back should I go? Here?

Porky. Then?

Think then. When I watch your tape, I want to see dinosaurs roaming the earth.

Wow, Lloyd.

I've never seen you standing up. You're tall.

Not really.

I guess in my mind, you're...

You're about this tall.

Corky, I brought up one of your tapes that we missed. I think it's pretty

Oh, okay.

Thanks, Lloyd.

So what do you think? I like it. It's very thin.

I don't. What about it don't you like?

It's a story I did on makeup.

I don't want to be known for my fluff pieces.

But I like those.

They're light and breezy. The rest of the news is so hard to take. When Corky

Sherwood is on, I know I can...

Switch off half my brain and smile.

Thanks,

Lloyd. Anytime.

See, I don't want to be the Sally Field of FYI.

A mature woman doing good work by day, flying nightly over the Convent San

Tonko.

I think you're overreacting, Corky. It's always difficult to watch yourself on

videotape. Just ask Pamela Lee.

It's funny how I built up this whole image of myself as a reporter.

Now I realize I wasn't even close.

You know, I probably sat through at least 200 of these old tapes. It's funny

I built up an image of myself, and it turns out I'm even better than I

Not to be immodest, but I think I may be a god.

Good, isn't it, Lloyd?

Very good.

Are you kidding? It's great. It's spectacular.

Do me a favor. Run off about 40 copies of this, will you? They'll make great

stocking stuffers at Christmas.

What about that 83 interview with Margaret Thatcher?

You see, the trouble with the 83 Thatcher is it's not in TFC. It's shot

Now, we can do a clean digital conversion, but the color balance is

to be a little hinky.

What? Hinky. You know, not up to your exacting Murphy Brown standards.

Oh, jeez. I must have put in last month's Thatcher by mistake. Give me a

It's okay. Just take it off, boy.

This is perfect.

This is it. I'm going to use my Libyan piece for the then -and -now kickoff.

Great, Jim. You were so confident and powerful.

You know, I miss seeing you in the field.

And you look great in that Savari jacket.

Oh, thank you.

That small travel iron really came in handy that day.

Didn't waste your time with any of those soft questions. You just went right at

him. Yes.

Ah, Jim.

Corky, how's it going?

Great. We were just looking at Jim Libby in peace. Oh, good choice.

Kay, Kay, I have to applaud you. The whole then and now show has really

my fire. Well, I am glad to have you and Murphy on board.

Now, Corky, if you and Frank could just catch the fever, I wouldn't have to use

phrases like on board and catch the fever.

Corky, we promised to do this. The network has been very good to us, and I

expect all of us to stand by our word.

Keep that thought handy, Jim, because...

The network went nuts for your Afghanistan blooper.

What? No, no, no, no, no, no. Not that, no.

Sweet Lorraine.

You stumble for one word on the air.

One unintentional gap and it haunts you for the rest of your life. Well, the

boys upstairs think it's great and they want to lead off the opening episode

with it. What? No, Kay, you can't use that. It's cruel.

Yes. Wet my pants funny.

But cruel.

If that's what the suits want, to force me to relive the indignities of that

event, then, well, I'm sorry, but I'm no longer on board. Oh, no, no. Come on

now, Chad. I'm sorry, Kay.

You know, Kay, I'm beginning to think this whole then and now thing is just a

bad idea.

Oh, good, Murphy.

Your colleagues are losing enthusiasm for the show. They're like eunuchs in an

orgy.

Not now, Kay. I've got to go.

Go? Go where?

Philadelphia. Philadelphia?

Yeah, it's where I grew up. Look, you've got my footage. I shot my follow -up.

Do what you have to do. I need to go home. No.

Murphy, you... Hey, Kay, Kay, where's Murphy? Lloyd said something happened in

editing. She just left. Where'd she go?

Philadelphia. Something about going home.

Man. Where are you going now? I'm going to go see if I can catch her. No, what

about your piece? Then it now goes on the air tonight. Oh, hey, look. Here it

is. It's good.

It doesn't scream.

It doesn't jump. It just... sort of whispers Frank Montana.

You want me to drive?

What, you think I'm driving too fast? No, no, no, no. I'm sure that ambulance

was going backwards.

Thanks for coming, Frank.

Oh, you know, I haven't been to Philadelphia for a while.

Cheese steak.

And, you know, I can see where you grew up. It'll be fun.

Oh, no.

Hi, honey, it's me. Look, you know, I'm not going to be able to make it for

dinner tonight. I'm with Murphy. It's a long story.

You know what?

Would you talk to her? Because it's funny, she doesn't believe you exist.

Here she is.

Hello? Hello?

Elizabeth?

What?

Oh, you know, we just probably were going through one of those zones.

Yeah, the No Elizabeth Zone.

Keeping your eye out for our exit.

Yes, yes.

So, why are you going to go back to your old house?

I don't know exactly.

What happened in the editing room?

Well, something just hit me when I was watching myself on tape.

You know, when I was a kid, I used to sit in my bedroom and tear out the

and dream about what my life was going to be.

I was invincible.

Maybe if I could go back there for just five minutes and look out that window,

maybe I could make sense out of all this.

Maybe I won't find anything at all.

Either way, we'll get a good cheesesteak out of the deal.

God, I can't believe it. This is it.

5405 Randall Street, where it all began.

Where the splendor unfurled.

Where I thirst first forth to take on the world.

I'm loving my cheesesteak here.

No, I think there's any onions.

It's always about you, isn't it, Chris?

The Maggios live right there across the street. I remember Mrs. Maggio used to

stand outside and call her daughter, Meg!

Oh, Frank, look.

They took out the rose bushes. My mother planted the most beautiful roses all

along here. Remember why you're here? Come on.

You can see a look on these people's faces when they open the door and see

Murphy Brown on their front desk.

Yes. Hello.

My name is Murphy Brown.

Yes.

Well, I used to live in this house.

Oh, really?

Yes, yes. My parents brought me straight here from the hospital, and I lived

here until I was in ninth grade. Now, for most kids, that would be 14, but in

case, I was 13. You see, I was very advanced verbally, so I skipped second

grade.

Anyway, my friend and I, this is my friend Frank, we drove all the way up

Washington, and I was wondering if it wouldn't be too much of an inconvenience

if we could just look around, you know, for old time's sake.

I'm sorry. No.

Are we out of here? No.

Yeah.

Maybe I haven't made myself clear.

You see, I haven't been here in almost 40 years, and I just wanted to look into

what was once my house, go inside, walk up the stairs, sit on my bed, okay, your

bed, and look out the window.

You mean the room at the top of the stairs? Yes, that's my room.

I'm sorry, no.

Oh, geez, now I know we're not leaving.

Yes.

Five minutes.

lousy minutes out of your life. What are you doing in there? Putting the

finishing touches on the Mona Lisa?

Let me in.

I don't want to.

All right. Fine, lady. But you're ruining the beauty of the moment. Okay.

But come on. Let's just go now.

I can't believe I came all this way for nothing.

Wait a minute.

Have you got any matches?

Oh, please. You're not going to run the lady's house down now. Come on. No, no,

no. I need some light. You see, I buried something right under here a long time

ago. If I can just... You know what? There's a shed around the back. I'm sure

there's a shovel. Go, go. But I am not going to a shed.

You know, you didn't have to come.

And be quiet.

So where's the shovel?

It's like a giant German shepherd back there. Is he using the shovel?

Oh, darn.

I've got a spot on my new shoes.

That's it. I am out of here.

I'm not done.

I have been digging for 45 minutes. I'm done.

Give me that shovel. You are not going to find anything. You're just wasting

your time.

I have to do everything.

Give me that. That's my dad's old ammo box.

Oh, my God.

And this is what I've ruined a good pair of pants for?

This is my old little time capsule.

This is history.

Yeah, or junk.

What if I open this and unleash all sorts of evil onto the world?

You already have.

My back is killing me. I hope they've got some Advil in there.

Look at this, Frank. All my old stuff.

My Kennedy Johnson campaign buttons.

My... Tickets stopped from when I went to American Bandstand.

Oh, my old retainer.

What's the sentimental value of that? Nothing. I hated it so much, I buried

What's this?

Oh, be careful. That's my letter to Fabian.

Dear Fabian, even though you have chosen not to write me back, I look at your

picture every night on my wall.

It's the last thing I see before I dream of you. I'll love you forever. Oh, how

sweet.

It was Fabian.

Oh, hey, hey, Frank, look at this.

Tasty cakes.

There wasn't a better snack cake in America.

Look at this. There's no inspiration in it. I wonder if they're still good.

Here, Frank, try them. I'm not going to eat a 40 -year -old cake.

Oh, Jesus.

Mer, is any of this helping you?

I don't know.

What are you doing?

Now, Frank, what are you doing with that shovel in your hand? Oh, madam, I am so

sorry. You know, perhaps if I could just go upstairs to my bedroom and have a

quick look around. I've called the police.

prepared for a big bar tab because that's the only thing that's going to

here watching this whole then and now thing.

Well, I have to confess, I had no idea that proposing a clip show would stir

things up so much. I sent you guys into a tailspin, Murphy to Philadelphia, and

me, I finished off a whole bottle of Harvey's bristle cream.

So if you see a few choppy edits, you'll understand why.

Are you going to be all right?

Oh, yeah.

You know, going back to Philadelphia reminded me of my childhood and all the

things I wanted to do with my life.

And you know what? I exceeded my expectations.

I would have been happy if I just married Fabian.

What a mistake that would have been. Murphy Fabian. That would have been

from the start.

I guess looking back at the last 20 years of FYI and even back at my

made me realize I wouldn't have done anything differently.

Really? No regrets?

Well, that's not entirely true.

There's a couple of Elliot Gould movies I wish I hadn't seen.

But if everyone at this table stopped and thought about it, you'd save

yourselves a trip home.

Rudy! Rudy, how come you don't have Channel 21 on?

Oh. Then and now has already started. Back to local communist regime.

Oh, God. What have we learned from Afstenigan?

Afstenigan.

Silly. Of course, I'm referring to the country south of Uzbekistan.

Afghanistan. Where the rugs come from?

Afghanistan. Again.

Could somebody please help me out?

Or at least put me out of my misery.