Original subtitles

Oh, Corky, any new auction items?

Oh, yeah, they've been coming in all week. I think Saturday night's going to

a big success.

Oh, now, keep in mind, I am particularly interested in anything from Tipper

Gore, Liddy Dole, or Patsy Mink.

Powerful women, demeaning nicknames. The lure is irresistible.

Okay. Ever since I started tagging items, you've been buzzing around me

flies around a fish head.

You're going to be there, aren't you? Oh, no, no, no, no. I can't.

Auctions bring out the compulsive side of my personality.

You know, the sound of the gavel, the waving of the paddle, the dizzying blur

merchandise. Ooh, that bone would look great in my bathroom.

Wow. You really do have a problem.

Oh, tell me about it. All I have to hear is going once, going twice, and I get

goosebumps.

Please come. We're raising money for the National Zoo. All you have to do is bid

on one thing. Something you really want.

Corky, you promised me you'd have this stuff out of here. Can't you make any

more room in your office? No, my office is jammed. I've already got my computer

resting in Socks the Cat's old litter box.

Really? What would something like that go for?

Please clear a path.

Sorry.

Oh, no. Not you. Not in my chair.

the place of work, remember?

So how about we do something crazy like, I don't know, work?

Hey, guys.

Oh, great. More people. It's like a clown car in here.

Rumor has it that Clinton himself is going to bid on a day on the links with

Frank Fontana. Can you imagine me playing golf with the press?

Trust me, Frank, the only reason he's interested is because he thinks the

are stuffed with spicy pork.

Work, work, work.

Going once, going twice. Oh, goosebumps, goosebumps.

What's this?

Oh, the Virginia Symphony is donating a chance for some lucky bidder to conduct

a performance.

Oh, well, now that's a decent item, conducting an orchestra. I'd like to do

that. That's a lot of power.

Like you don't have enough power already?

Yeah, but I don't get to wave a little stick.

I want this. How about you just let me have it?

All right, I'll bid $20.

$20? What's that going to buy the zoo? One bag of monkey chow?

No. You're bossing around 60 people and getting applause for it. You know, I can

see that.

You know, it's funny. When I first got diagnosed, I thought about all the

I wanted to do with the rest of my life, like climb Mount Everest.

But now I find that it's the personal things I want to do. I learned the

to American Pie. I learned how to juggle. And now, I want to conduct an

orchestra.

And I hope you get the chance to do it. I hope I can do it for $20.

Oh, Murphy, they dropped off your one -day contract.

Well, I wouldn't want to keep the boys upstairs waiting.

And, Corky, here's my silent bid for the autographed copy of Churchill's

memoirs. Oh, thanks, Tim. Good luck.

Well, how did you get to do a silent bid? Corky wouldn't let me bid ahead of

time. I won't be attending the auction this year. Why not?

Well, you know, Doris will be there. She's on the board of directors for the

zoo. It's her night.

And besides, with Doris and me being separated, it'd be awkward to be

in a social setting.

You've seen each other in the last six months, haven't you? Of course I have.

Why, I dropped over just the other day. We had a charming visit.

I said, here's your lady's home journal. It was forwarded to me by mistake. And

she said, thank you. Would you call the plumber? The boiler's making a gurgling

sound. It was all very pleasant.

This is silly. You're going. We'll go together.

Besides, Corky's going to be doing math in her head. That's always fun to watch.

Our next item, dinner with Cal Ripken, Jr.

Dinner with Cal Ripken Jr. I love him. Kay, what are you doing here? I thought

you weren't going to let yourself anywhere near this auction. I wasn't,

I started thinking about those adorable little zoo animals.

Am I really doing them any good staying at home? I was just being selfish. You

know how I love animals.

Sweet mother of God!

I have got to get that big deer head.

Kay, let's start the bidding at $250.

$275.

No, Kay, you can start at $250.

300. You don't even know what sport Cal Ripon Jr. plays.

He's an athlete?

400.

Oh, Jim, here's my baton. Quick, I don't want anybody else to bid on the

conducting thing.

I will not hide this for you.

But I really want it.

Well, then, by all means, just take it. That's how the world works.

Here, you want this presidential footstool? I'll put it in my pants. Let

ahead.

All right, all right, I'll give.

Hey, guys, guys, it's confirmed. Clinton is bidding on me. So is Orrin Hatch.

There's going to be a bidding war right down party line.

Yeah, Frank, it'll make the health care debate look just like a pillow fight.

Jim?

Oh, it's Doris. I'd forgotten. Green is her color.

Well, she's standing over there by herself. Why don't you go over there and

to her? Oh, I don't think so.

Talk? to her. If you're pushing, he said he doesn't want to. Oh, Frank, I mean,

he's Jim, she's Doris, so they're separated. That doesn't mean he can't

her. Talk to her, Jim. You know you want to. Murphy, Jim can make up his own

mind. No, Frank's right. It's your decision, Jim.

Doris, hi.

Look who's here, Jim.

Murphy? You look great, Jim.

Doris? Jim.

How nice to see you.

I was hoping you'd be here.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

Don't be. It's fine.

You always liked my eyes.

You're looking well.

Thank you. And you're looking very fit.

My hotel has a health club in it. So now, rather than not use the exercise

bicycle in our bedroom, I don't use an entire gym.

Here you go. Oh, thanks.

Jim, I'd like you to meet Jeffrey Carlson. Jeffrey, Jim Dial.

Jim Dowell, very nice to meet you. Yes, nice to meet you, too. Yes.

Yes, it is.

I was just keeping Doris company in your absence, but now you're no longer

absent.

Doris, Jeffrey.

Who was that, Jim?

Presumably, it's Doris' date.

Oh, Jim, I had no idea. I would never have sent you over there.

Poor Doris. She looks bored out of her mind.

And her poor date, born without a chin.

No.

Now, of course, it's allowed to date. Now, what do you say we take our seats?

Your chance to conduct an orchestra is about to be auctioned off.

Well, no.

Nothing.

Nothing at all.

Next up, conductor for a day. We have an esteemed symphony orchestra donating

time for this worthy cause.

This is going to be so much fun. I'm going to bid like this.

Remember, all proceeds go to the Friends of the National Zoo. So please, think

of the animals. Think of all the endangered species your money will

We'll begin the bidding.

$20!

Lucky, it's for the animals. Think of all those cuddly pandas.

All right, the pandas.

$25!

$500! What happened to $26?

All right, the bid stands at $500. Do I hear $550? $550!

$550! But I get to keep the baton.

$600. $600? Who is doing that?

$650. $700.

All right, this is getting ridiculous and expensive. Time out. Murphy, there's

no time out in auction.

Yeah, well, there is now.

All right, who's doing that?

Is it you? Because I could take you.

Is it you?

$700? I don't think so.

I just want you all to know that I really, really want to conduct this

orchestra. So do I.

Olivia, we have a bid on the floor for $700 from Olivia Newton -John.

Murphy, I have $700 that says that I'm going to conduct that orchestra.

Olivia, this is my town and my zoo.

Have you ever been to your zoo?

Oh, yeah, I must have. I remember it smells, but it's a good smell.

Murphy, go away.

I heard about your breast cancer. I know you're going to be fine.

$800.

Thanks. So far, so good. $850.

But nobody knows better than you that you beat breast cancer one day at a

You got that right.

$900. Now you're just throwing that grease money around.

$900 at the bed.

You've never forgiven me for calling Helen Reddy Australia's songbird, have

$1 ,000.

$1 ,000?

Are you out of your mind?

$2 ,000. And that's for giving us the Bee Gees.

$10 ,000 going once, going twice.

Sold to Murphy Brand.

Did you hear that? Sold to me.

Good for you.

I'm on the board of Friends of the National Zoo, and nobody thought that I

ever get you to pay $2 ,000.

All right, that was a good practice, Bid. Now let's start the real thing.

Wait up!

I couldn't believe all the treasures I came back with. I like my Watergate room

key, but I love this.

Justice Scalia's robe. There is something about the power of this

I was wearing it this morning while I was trying to decide between useless and

Rice Krispies. I went with Rice Krispies.

Could I have done it without the robe?

Who knows?

And we truly appreciate your support.

Now, just write a check out to Friends of the National Zoo for the amount of $6

,000. $6 ,000?

That's crap.

You've got to be kidding.

No, I'm not. You bought it. Now you owe $6 ,000, so pony up.

Okay, okay.

Oh,

Jim, that suit is beautiful.

Well, thank you.

You know what would go good with it?

A scarf from the Richard Gephardt collection.

Seventy -five bucks are your best offer. I'm going to have to duck out of our

meeting today. I have a lunch date.

A date?

Really, Jim?

So that explains why you're wearing your Christmas clothes.

Oh, and who's the lucky young miss?

Well, you must know I'm seeing Doris. She phoned and... She phoned?

I'm simply having lunch with a woman. Let's not make more of it than it is.

right, Jim, I respect that.

Okay, I've pushed editing back. I've got my first orchestra rehearsal at 1. It

shouldn't take too long, unless, of course, they want me to tour with them.

Jim, could I see you in my office for a second? Certainly.

Now, Jim, I know you didn't want to tell the others about Doris because it's

none of their business. Your personal life is your own.

So what's happening with Doris?

Our conversation didn't feel forced or awkward. It was like old times.

Oh, Jim, that's great.

Yes, yes, it is. And do you know what she said?

She said that seeing me at the auction made her realize that we were being

foolish to let this continue on like this.

Oh, Jim, I always knew you'd get back together again. No, no, it's not

but it's pretty great, isn't it? Oh, yes, it is great. The two of you back

together again.

Lately, it's been hard to believe in happy endings, but I've always believed

you. Oh, she's here. Right on time. That's my Doris. Always punctual. That's

I married her.

Well, punctuality and the fact that she can eat an entire Cornish game hen

without disturbing the carcass.

Yes, she's quite a dame.

You don't want to keep her waiting.

Thank you, Slugger.

Thank you.

Doris, welcome.

Thanks. Jim, these offices are gorgeous.

And is that a cappuccino machine?

Yes, I drink them now.

Hi, Doris. Oh, Murphy, you look wonderful.

Oh, I appreciate it, and thank you for your note of support. Oh, anything I can

do. Thank you.

Doesn't Jim look great?

He looks great when he's cleaning the rain gutters. No, no, ladies, I'm in the

room.

You two have a nice long lunch. We will.

Oh, and good luck with the rehearsal.

Yeah, see you.

I've made reservations at Rive Gauche. You still like French food? Of course.

You know, seeing you Saturday night was such a treat.

For me as well.

Shall we?

Now, I was afraid it was going to be tense, but once again, you put me

completely at ease. And you were so right on the phone. It's foolish to go

like this. Oh, I'm glad you feel the way I do. Oh, absolutely. We're on the same

page. Oh, good. I'm so relieved.

Sometimes these things can drag on forever. Oh, yeah.

This way we can just file for divorce and move on with our lives.

Yes, divorce.

You took the words right out of my mouth.

Divorce.

Good afternoon.

I'm Murphy Brown, and I'm going to be your conductor.

So, all aboard!

a little play on words, you know, because there's conductor toot -toot and

there's conductor ba -ba -ba -ba.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

How do I get them to pay attention?

Tap the baton. Oh, really?

Wow. This really works.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm very excited about Friday night. I think we're going

to have a lot of fun, but we better get started because you have a lot of

rehearsing to do.

Excuse me.

We do this a lot, you know, donate our services to a worthy cause, so we're

pretty used to amateurs stepping onto the podium.

Really? Good. So then how does it work?

Well, the way it works is, we play a familiar Mozart piece, you wave your

around, and then you take a bow, and everybody will cheer your musical

Well, sounds like somebody woke up on the sarcastic side of his bed this

morning.

And which piece of Mozart will I be conducting?

Eine kleine Nachtmusik.

Hmm?

You know.

Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. Ow!

Oh, right, of course. I thought you said Nick Laman Flockmussen.

Open your music, please.

Excuse me.

We normally don't use music for our celebrity conductors.

Well, that's a little sloppy, isn't it?

No, it's not sloppy. You see, we're playing music that we're familiar with.

Oh, forget it. Open your music.

Doesn't have to be right. Side up.

Let's take it from the top. I always wanted to say that.

Stop it!

Stop it!

What just happened?

You tell me. What does the music say?

Touché. As you may have surmised, I don't read music.

Well, if you like, I'll wait while you learn.

It only took me 12 years of private lessons, six years of Juilliard, but I'm

sure you can pick it up in an afternoon.

How hard could it be? Mickey Mouse did it in Fantasia, and he only had four

fingers.

I paid for the chance to conduct an orchestra, and that's what I'm going to

This means a lot to me for a lot of personal reasons. So I'm going to lead,

you're going to follow, and in the words of that great philosopher, Pepe Le Pew,

we're going to make beautiful music together.

Okay.

You heard the conductor.

She's in complete control.

Leave it.

I'm really going to do that.

Frank?

Frank, where are you mumbling?

March 23rd, 2003.

That's the first open golf date the president has. Only then, he won't be

president. He'll be the ex -president. You know, if I wanted to play golf with

retired guy, I would have asked my father. Only then, after the round, my

would have watched my golf flows.

Anybody hungry for Italian?

Hey, look at this.

Murphy, you finished editing in record time. You'll be able to tweak in that

last rehearsal before your big concert tonight.

Your subject.

Oh, how come?

It's a joke. I'm not really conducting. I'm drying my nails in front of a band

playing German music.

Look on the bright side.

At least the auction got Jim and Doris back together.

I mean, maybe it's a good omen for us all. But let's face it, bad marriage

has put a curse on us at FYI.

Well, I had a great marriage. Murphy, it ended five days later. Nothing lasts

forever.

Well, I know I kid a lot, but my first marriage was the greatest thing that

happened, ever, to anybody.

Really? We got married the day after we graduated high school. We backpacked

through Europe.

Oh, we had some extraordinary times.

Kay, I never heard this story.

What happened to him?

He died.

Vietnam.

Okay, I had no idea.

Okay, um... No, no, it was a long, long time ago.

Well, I mean, what was his name?

Charles, Charlie. He had the biggest heart, the broadest shoulders.

He also had a small head. I made him wear hats.

Good thing he had big ears.

So, see, I know that some marriages do work.

Well, that's Jim and Doris. You bet it is.

I'll see you later at the concert, Murphy.

Yeah.

Hey, Jim.

Murphy? Hey, Jim, how about you and Doris join me for dinner after the

tonight? It'll be your treat. It'll be your way of thanking me for getting you

and Doris back together.

Um, look, Slugger, I've been hiding it all week. Maybe it was my pride or... or

it was the fact that you were so hopeful about it, but I just couldn't tell you.

Doris wants a divorce.

No.

You... you can't do this.

I need the two of you together.

You're the one stable force I have.

How dare you put me in this position? I can't live my life for you.

Oh.

I'm sorry.

No, I'm sorry, Jim.

This is what Doris wants?

Oh, is this what you want?

Yeah. No.

I've loved Doris more than half my life.

Well, then fight for her, Jim. Win her back.

It's too late.

Do whatever it takes. Send her flowers, write poetry, tell her what's in your

heart.

Well, we'll see.

Oh, just don't leave it too long, Jim.

At a certain point in life, you realize that all the time in the world isn't all

that long.

You think I can do it?

I'm going to win my wife back, and I'm going to start by buying every single

rose in the District of Columbia.

Jim,

wait up.

Some magic wand you got there.

Are

you

sure about this?

Trust me, this is one piece of music I know better than you.

What you want?

Baby, I got it.

What you need?

Uh -huh, I got it.

All I'm asking for is a little bit.

You know what I am talking about?

Give it to me, baby.