Original subtitles

I don't think we should go.

I don't see how we can, but wouldn't it be great if we could? Yes, but we can't.

We can't, right? End of story.

I don't think we should go.

I don't see how we can.

Hey, guess where I'm going Saturday night wearing my slinky dress and my way

expensive Italian shoes?

Hmm, let me take a stab at this.

Athena Killington's party?

Yeah, you were invited, too? That's great. I hear everyone's going to be

Madeline Albright, the Council of Economic Advisors, the young kids from

You can't tell Corky. Oh, yes, I can. I already RSVP'd. Corky, imagine how

Murphy would feel. You know what she thinks of Athena? They haven't spoken in

years. Great.

Then Athena won't tell Murphy I was at her party.

Oh, yeah, and how are you going to hide it from her?

Athena is the grand dame of Washington's society. She throws a party and ends up

in the news.

Oh, Murphy will understand.

Now that I'm getting a divorce, she's always telling me to get out and get

I'm done with my life.

I don't want to let her down.

Don't you see?

I'm doing this for her.

All right, I'm reaching.

But I bought a handbag, too.

Eleven flights of stairs! Yes!

I can honestly say I'll never do that again.

Frank, I see you got invited to Athena Killington's party, too. We all got

invited. Oh, great. So someone can be my designated driver.

Do me a favor. Keep me away from Janet. Gets me weepy.

We're not going.

Why not?

Out of respect for Murphy.

She and Athena have been at each other's throats for the last 20 years.

Everything about her rubs Murphy the wrong way. Her social climbing, her

politics, her millionaire husband.

Murphy did an expose on him. She called him an apprentice to the village idiot.

After that, during the Reagan administration, Athena pulled some

Murphy audited.

Eight years in a row.

Basically, it's been downhill ever since.

Obscene skywriting, drug -sniffing dogs, unnecessary emergency surgery. You

know, that kind of hijacking.

Well, I respect your allegiance to Murphy. In fact, I applaud it.

But don't try to reach me on Sunday.

The last time I went to a big party, I woke up in a blouse factory in Malaysia.

Hey, guys.

Ever take a good look at Dougie down at the newsstand? Looks like his teeth have

been chewed by weevils.

But I like him. He can't tell the difference between American and Canadian

money.

We just want you to know that we've decided not to go. Go where? I haven't

decided not to go. Not go where? I'm going. Going where?

We're not killing pen parties.

Some of us are determined to show support.

Not to go. See?

This? Not.

Go away.

Fine, but don't not go on account of me.

Although I don't know why anybody would want to eat shellfish at a party thrown

by the geisha girl of the conservative movement and her husband Elmer Fudd.

But if you want to go, go.

I know she said go, but did she mean go? You see, this is the trouble I have

understanding women. Oh, sure. And we're the ones from Mars.

Well, well, look at this. I'm invited to.

Oh,

and look what we're celebrating, the publication of her new book, Who's

of the Big Five -O, A Woman's Guide to Her Middle Ages. Yeah, middle ages.

That's just what she'd have this country revert to if she had her way. Okay, so

shall we just check up on her? If it's at the door, we go. We have a great

Well, I'm not going. How stupid does she think I am? This is obviously a trick.

I go to her party, and the next thing I know, I've got a burlap bag over my

head. I'm in the trunk of a car, and I wind up in Hershey, Pennsylvania, being

sold into a white chocolate. It's slavery.

What do you think that means? Oh, Frank, it's definitely a no.

I would have seen her invite me to her party.

Why now?

I know why she's inviting me. Because I've got cancer. It's a pity invite.

Oh, come on, Murph.

low, even for her. I mean, I know you two don't get along, but she wouldn't

think to that level. Oh, yes, she would.

She's so low, she's down there with the Titanic and those fish with the big

eyes.

Forget it. She's not parading me around like some cancer ornament.

I'm not going.

But you guys can go if you want.

Did you see today's post?

Your name in the crossword. Quite an honor.

Yep. 37 down. At least the clue wasn't loudmouth newswoman like it was in TV

Guide.

Pugnacious news gal. That's more like the post.

Did I ever tell you the story about me and Eddie Gillette in Korea?

Yeah. Porkchop Hill, shower shoes, foot fungus, stinky latrines. Where's the

moral again?

Let bygones be bygones? No, no, Jim. Last time it was, a watched pot never

boils. Well, it's a parable. It's open to interpretation.

The point is, this feud between you and Athena has gone on long enough.

Jim, I don't want her to make a spectacle of me so that people are going

oh, look how gracious Athena is. She invited the sick girl.

Rather be tossed into a promise keeper's atonement teepee, which she tried to do

to me last summer.

Perhaps this invitation to Athena's is an olive branch. If it is, don't reject

it because of prior animosities.

You know, I'll bet you can't even remember when this feud started.

September 3rd, 1978, White House dinner for Anwar Sadat.

Sadat had promised me an exclusive on the peace accords, and then Athena

switched my place card at dinner, and I wound up sitting between Burt Lance and

that skinny illusionist Doug Henning.

And the irony is, it was Burt Lance who made my squab disappear.

This woman has invited you to her party.

Get out of your house. Go.

It'll be good for you.

Jim, if I decide to go, that's my choice. And if you decide to go, that's

choice. I'll see you tomorrow.

Ah, Cookie K.

Ah, well, splendid.

Quite a party, isn't it? You know, I think Murphy would have enjoyed herself.

Oh, she's lucky she's not here. This is supposed to be such a great party. Well,

nothing's happening. It's a dog's dinner.

Kennedy's are all sober.

Gingrich is asking everybody if he should dye his hair.

And Mark Russell's at the piano trying to rhyme things with stagflation.

I'm sorry, Kay, but I, for one, am enjoying myself.

I think I'll join that CNN clique over there. Oh, there's Bernie Kao. I think

I'll get Bernie to tell me that wonderful story about Lyndon Johnson.

Come on, Jim. You know the only reason you want to go over there is to talk to

Bobby Batista.

Please. I respect your profession.

And her voice is like church bells.

Excuse me.

Kay,

I'm not so sure I'm ready to reenter the social scene.

Maybe it's too much.

I think I'll just go home. No, excuse me, but do you think that that soon -to

-be ex -husband of yours is sitting home?

Right now that man is at 21 with a supermodel.

Okay, so he's sitting with his parents and she's at the bar, but they make eye

contact. She takes a hit off her cigar, he takes a hit off his inhaler, and

whammo, it's a do not disturb sign at the plaza hotel.

You think so?

I know so. So get out there and shake that little money maker.

Why is everybody so overdressed?

There's a certain amount of insecurity even among the Washington elite.

Frank, this party is formal. Didn't you read the invitation?

Yeah, it's a tie optional.

Black tie optional, Frank.

Oh, God.

When I take my invitation back together, I must have left something out.

Geez.

Hello, how are you?

Bet you're surprised to see me here. I'm sure Athena's told you all about me.

I've got my picture throughout the house with circles around it and lines going

through it. But I figure let's let bygones be bygones.

This may come as a shock to you, but Mrs. Killington doesn't confide in me,

coat check girl.

Talk to the bartender. He's really her confidant.

Hello. How are you?

Hello?

Hey, guys. Hey, you made it.

Well, I'm glad you decided to come. Yeah, well, pretty flush, huh? Hey,

how come you're not wearing your flip -flops?

I'm here and ready to mix it up. Kick it, sis. This party is dullsville.

Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you, Kay, but I'm just here to enjoy myself.

Did you hear her, Kay? She's here to enjoy herself.

Really? Because I know where the fuse box is.

The security system's wired to it.

Okay, listen, you're not going to do anything, are you? Don't worry, Frank.

Athena was gracious enough to invite me. I'm going to be gracious in return.

You just used the word gracious twice. Now you've got me scared.

Murphy Brown.

Athena Killington.

Murphy. Athena.

Murphy.

So delightful you're here, Murphy. So delightful to be invited, Athena.

Are you going to let me go? I'll let you go after you let me go.

All right, then, on the count of three. One, two, three.

Athena! I was crushed when I received your RSVP thing you couldn't attend, but

I'm so glad you changed your mind.

Throwing the caterer's headcount off notwithstanding, welcome.

Well, I hope that's not a problem. If it is, you can always go out back and

slaughter another cow.

You are not leaving this party until I sign my book for you. You read a book?

I wrote a book. Well, either one makes news.

You know, I'm having a little birthday just around the corner, and it's the

topic of my book. The one you read? The one I wrote.

Why can't I remember that?

Athena wrote a book. Athena wrote a book. Athena wrote a book. I've got it.

What's it called again? Who's Afraid of the Big Five? Oh, and it's dedicated to

all those women out there who are afraid of that scary number.

Fifty.

I'm 49, and I'm not afraid.

You weren't afraid, were you, Murphy? No, you were a pioneer.

You blazed the trail so long ago for so many of us.

Athena, this is my fake smile and my cheeks are exhausted, so would you just

tell me why you invited me to this party?

All right, Murphy, I'm dropping all my pretense.

I was heart sick when I learned of your condition.

Thank you.

After you went public with your cancer, the very next day I had a mammogram.

Then I had a facial and a massage. I'm okay.

Oh, good news.

I just want you to know that even though your liberal thinking would drive us

right back down that road to government dependency and excess, all my good

thoughts are with you. Well, I know you don't have that many to spare, so

thanks.

What I'm trying to say, and quite sincerely, is I really hope we can put

bitterness behind us and start fresh.

Yes, well, that's my goal, too.

Courage. And help yourself to the potato bar.

How did it go?

Oh, well, I think she was trying to connect with me on a human level. It was

little bit of a stretch for her.

Makes you mad, doesn't it? Mad enough so I licked a couple of diamond bracelets

because I could get you into the safe.

I used to be romantic, but not anymore.

I just ended my second marriage.

I'll probably go through that rebound stage where I go out with just anyone.

The thing is, I just don't believe in commitment anymore.

Just go for it, I say.

Oh, look. My glass is empty.

I wonder where I can get another drink.

Thank you.

Excuse me. Can I help you?

Yeah, I'm just going back in. To your invitation, please.

Well, I gave it to you before I just went home to change.

Frank Montana.

Look, I do that show with Murphy Brown, Jim Dial, Corky Sherwood. Oh, they're

all here. I know.

I'm supposed to be in there with them. You have a problem at Dora. I'm a

sportive man. Wait a minute.

Look, there's Oprah. Oprah knows. She knows who I am. Oprah, Oprah, it's me.

I saw you talking to Bobby Batista, Jim. She seemed to be enjoying the

conversation. Well, she's quite a good audience.

And her complexion is like alabaster. I don't think she's wearing a stitch of

makeup.

You really seem to like her, don't you?

Oh, no.

I'm network. She's cable.

Would never work out.

Jim, I want to thank you for talking me into coming tonight. It's so easy for me

to just sit home these days. I'm really enjoying myself, and the timing was

perfect. My appetite's back. I've already polished off a tray of these

puffs, and the night is still young.

Your presence just lights up the room.

Oh! Oh, Jim, can I steal this gorgeous creature from you and you in a tuxedo?

Oh, how did they ever miss you when they were trying to find the new 007?

Dial.

James, dial.

Oh, Murphy.

Murphy, everyone is commenting on how wonderful you're looking. Well, it's all

done with smoke and mirrors, Athena.

Smart and wry, that's the trademark of Murphy Brown. You mean the caviar

communist you love to hate?

My remark was taken totally out of context, and believe you me, it has come

to bite me in the derriere. Actually, I heard it in context. I believe it was

the caviar communist whose backwards moralizing is nothing more than a tumor

the American society.

An unfortunate choice of words and timing coming as it did on the day

your public announcement about your, well, tumor.

You know, Murphy, the... One thing I've learned from this whole unfortunate

experience is that cancer doesn't just affect those afflicted with it. Your

cancer affects everyone around you, even me.

Oh, Athena, I'm so sorry.

Well, it seems that my ill -timed remark has dug me into something of a little

hole, and as a result, Athena Killington got a down arrow from Newsweek

magazine. And even though they may be the mouthpiece of the liberal media, it

still hurts.

Hurts book sales, you mean. Oh, not just.

Heart's reputation, social stature, political standing. All right, since you

brought it up, book sale.

Well, Athena, how can I help you get through our cancer?

I'm glad you asked. What you do is take a glass, take a spoon, clink, clink,

clink, draw everyone's attention and make a tote to me. You know, something

along the lines of, I'm a friend of Feeney's and... Wouldn't close friend be

better? Ooh, yes. Oh, good. So, close friend, tumor, tumor, big joke, you, me,

love, love, forgive, forget, buy the book, it got me through my cancer.

You are unbelievable.

I have no one to blame but myself. I guess I assume that because I'm

other people would be changing, too.

Well, if you'll excuse me, this caviar communist has a reputation to uphold.

Oh, waiter, is that beluga?

Um, everyone, everyone, can I have your... attention please thank you first

all aren't you all dears for attending my little affair how great are you give

yourselves a hand oh i want to tell you how much i appreciate your celebrating

the launch of my new book who's afraid of the big five oh thank you but you

there's another reason why i'm so glad you're all here tonight we have as

well aware a great friend who has been struggling so valiantly with cancer of

the breast She has shown so much courage, and I'm so proud that she's

party to make her first public appearance.

Can we show our love to such a courageous spirit?

My friend, my close friend, Murphy Brown.

Well, it would have been a whole lot better coming from you. Ooh, smile. He's

from Time Magazine.

All right, Murphy, say something.

Athena, as much as I would like to bury you in praise, tonight is your night.

Oh, what do you know?

Murphy Brown is speechless. Well, well, that's all right, Murphy.

You save your energy for your real battle.

I'm so sorry I got you into this. Her behavior is inexcusable. If you were

to lace into her, now would be the time to unleash the hounds.

Nose job.

It's okay, Jim. From where I'm standing, the high ground, she looks so small, so

insignificant, I really have no desire to engage.

So, you're okay?

Yeah, I'm fine. I'll see you guys Monday.

It's just that my whole life has just been about work. I didn't even know what

to wear this evening.

Look, is this too revealing?

You're all so kind to listen.

It's just that, well, it's been a while since I've been out with man.

And, well, you know what they say.

Once you've been thrown, you've just got to get back up on that horse and ride,

ride, ride.

Look at this. I'm empty again.

Avery, hiya.

Listen, I'll be home in 20 minutes, so that gives you 19 minutes to put away

Nintendo and pretend you're asleep.

Now, did you brush your teeth?

Well, yeah, tonight.

All right, do.

Okay, honey. I love you, too. Bye.

This is Athena.

Non posso rispondere adesso. Lascio un massaggio per piacere.

Hi, Athena Ritz, your mother. I want to wish you a happy birthday and to remind

you that... but this is the anniversary of the worst pain I was ever in.

Darling, you had the biggest head.

It took five people to get you out, but I'm glad they did because you're my 57

-year -old baby.

I love you. Bye.

Oh, Athena.

Oh, Murphy, you're not leaving, are you? What, leaving now?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I just thought maybe you would autograph your book for

me. And I thought maybe our photographer friend here could take a few snaps of

us together. Which is your good side? Oh, like you have a bad side.

You know, I've eaten off all my lipstick. Can I just go freshen up? Oh,

no. You look as beautiful as the day you were born.

Now, this birthday, you're going to be 50, right? Yes, I'm going to be

fearlessly 50.

Aren't you, though?

Oh, gosh, birthdays.

That reminds me. When I was in your library, the phone rang, and it was your

mother. Let me see if I can relay the message.

Happy birthday to you.

Bear with me here. Happy birthday to you. I know it's repetitious. Just hang

Happy birthday, dear Athena. This is my favorite part.

You're 57 years old.

No, no, no, no, no. Please, just please. That's something in my eye. I know you

do. A 57 -year -old finger.

Just write, Dear Murphy, I'm a big, fat, 57 -year -old liar. Oh, your parties

are such fun.

You're going to tell everyone, aren't you?

Me? I'm just a journalist with my own primetime television show. Who would I

tell? You can't tell anyone. It'll ruin me. Don't you understand? My political

credibility is my currency.

Please, allow me my one affectation. Allow me my little white lie.

The way you allow all those little immigrant children to speak their native

tongue in school.

Oh. All right, you win.

There, I said it.

I do win, Athena.

But here's how.

I'm keeping your big, fat lie between us.

Why?

The ride I've been on the past couple of months feuding with you seems like a

complete waste of my precious time.

So, if you don't mind, I'll just take my autographed book and be on my way.

Thank you, Murphy.

You know, I like the new you.

It's a kinder, gentler Murphy Brown.

What just happened?

Athena likes the new me.

Oh, what's the fun in that?

Exactly. The fun is in growth.

Knowing that you can be above the fray.

Knowing that you can be a big person.

Jim, would you just mind moving over there a little bit?

Jim, I can be big, and I will be big.

Tomorrow.

Did you have a good time?

Yeah, I did.

I hope we get invited next year.

I want to thank you for a lovely evening.

If I'd known it was a pool party, I would have brought my trunks.

Sad, really.

If I wanted to get attention, I could have been dripping wet, too.