Original subtitles

Oh, it's so good not having to wear pantyhose and high heels, doesn't it? I

love that you started Casual Friday.

Well, it's been successful every place I've introduced it, except San Quentin.

Those boys need structure.

Working in those is going to be such a pressure cooker. I just wanted to loosen

up the office, you know, help us generate the pool of ideas, improve

interpersonal communication. Hey, it's Casual Friday, not Casual Sex Friday.

Have you spoken to legal about your story on city inspectors?

Frank? Aren't you going to say anything about my outfit?

You look great.

I never wore these old jeans. They're too tight.

They never used to be, but then I used to be ripped.

Really?

Even from the back?

I get on my talking scale this morning, and he says, you are 195 pounds, and I

swear to you, there was disappointment in his voice.

Frank, get a grip.

Frank? I finished the editing notes on my Jerry Adams interview.

Oh, so soon?

Well, yeah, I just took my first chemotherapy treatment in half an hour.

Oh, Murphy.

Are you positive you don't want me to go with you? Yeah, I'm positive.

Because I remember when my cousin Esther, the Methodist, fell and cracked

kneecap. I took her to the hospital.

Helped take her mind off her injury.

Oh, we talked about her favorite prom dresses, the crush she had on Bobby

What's the best girl car? What's the best boy car?

I'm really positive.

Morning, all.

Hi, Jim.

Oh, Jim, didn't you get the memo about Casual Friday?

Of course I did. I'm wearing loafers.

And that's not all. These are my weekend socks. The elastic's gone. If I cross

my legs, you can see a little skin.

Now, see?

Isn't this fun?

Having fun, are you?

So, Murph, how are you feeling? A little nervous about getting your first

treatment? No, I'm okay with it. I mean, I know it's no walk in the park, but

with what I've poured into my body over the years, I think I can handle chemo.

Linda Ellerby called it jet fuel. Me, I call it a Harvey Wallbanger without the

umbrella.

That's the spirit, Murphy.

You know, the cancer makes me feel so helpless. I feel like the chemo gives me

chance to finally go on the attack.

Remember, please stay and drive you to the hospital.

Oh, thanks, Frank, but I've given it some thought, and I have somebody else

mind.

Uh, Jim, what are you doing in about half an hour?

Well, I have no plans. Why? Good. I volunteer you to take me to the hospital

my first chemo.

Chemotherapy, yes. Well, I... Oh, come on, Jim. It'll be symbolic. I mean, it's

my first treatment. You drove me all the way cross -country to Betty Ford.

It all seems right.

And besides, now I'm sober, so you don't have to worry about me trying to help

you steer the car with my feet.

I'm sorry, but I just remembered that I have this thing.

What thing? It's a thing, an important thing. It's right here in my appointment

book, which I left in my office. Excuse me.

Murph, what just happened here?

Oh.

It's just you.

So, you guess I'm elected, huh? I guess so.

Well, let's hit the road.

Oh, uh, Frank, you don't still have that green apple air freshener in your car,

do you? No.

Just, uh, give me five minutes. I'll go air it out.

Murphy, how are you feeling?

We're on the air in about five minutes.

If you feel like you're going to be kicked, just cut away.

No, I'll be okay.

And don't feel bad about last week. The cameraman told me he hated those shoes

anyway.

Boy, Jim.

I gotta tell you, this chemo's rougher than I thought.

This is only my second treatment. I got five months to go.

And they say it gets worse with every treatment.

Yeah.

Oh, thank God for saltines, huh?

They're the only things that settle my stomach.

Um... They got these little perforations along the side so you can break them

cleanly in half.

Deck mine.

I'm no doctor, but certainly there has to be something stronger than crackers

control your nausea.

They make it, I've tried it.

Everything from Zofran to Compazine, Ativan to Miranol, and nothing's helped.

I know these things help other people, but I must be one of the unlucky few.

It's just you and me, baby.

Have you considered taking some time off?

What, not doing the show?

Perhaps that would be better.

Places, people.

Jim, ever since I learned about this cancer, you've been avoiding me. And

you're not avoiding me, you're talking to me about quitting. Well, I'm not

quitting. What is so wrong about taking some time off? No, Jim, I'm not going to

let this thing beat me. But look at you, slugger.

Jim, what do you want me to do? I've tried everything.

No, that's not true. I haven't tried leeches. I haven't tried pot.

Because I know the second I light one up, Janet Reno would kick my door down.

She'd do it, too.

All right, ten seconds there.

It's just that if it were me, I'd do things differently.

You have the receptacle standing by?

It's right by your chair.

If I happen to hurl during our interview, don't take it personally. I

nothing against Guatemala.

All right, we are live in 5, 4, 3, 2... Good evening,

and welcome to FYI.

For your information tonight, Frank Fontana shines a startling light inside

IRS, and Corky Sherwood sits down to dinner with Wook Gang Puck.

But first, Murphy Brown interviews somebody right after

Frank Montana shines that startling light inside the IRS.

Frank?

I am going to shine a startling light inside the IRS.

But first, I'd like to hear about Corky's dinner. Corky?

Well,

thanks, Frank.

Think about this.

Apples, tomatoes, wild mushrooms, and duck sausage.

All on a pizza.

Hurling!

I'll be okay. Just give me a couple minutes.

Oh, God, I bled everything over at his friend Sean's house. Last time he saw me

in a weakened state, I woke up to find he turned our staircase into a water

slide.

Here's your ginger ale, and I hope you don't mind, but I took out your garbage.

Ooh, I think something died in it.

It smelled so awful, I put it in your neighbor's trash can so it wouldn't

reflect badly on you.

Those were the roots I had to boil for my mugwort tea. The herbalist prescribed

it for my nausea.

Mugwort tea?

Believe me, it doesn't taste as good as it sounds.

Murphy, are you sure you can't eat something? You have to keep your

Yeah, I don't know what to do about that. I've lost five pounds already.

Just the smell of food makes me tick to my stomach.

Isn't it amazing, the sense of smell? It's so powerful.

For me, it's the scent of evergreens. I lost my virginity in the Adirondacks.

Every time I wash my floors with pine salt, I find myself turning down the

lights, putting on Mancini, and scrubbing the hell out of the hardwood.

Hey, Murphy.

I got it.

So, uh, Jim isn't here, huh?

No.

She's like, I just sent you out for saltines. What do you have there?

Saltines. You back at saltines? Well, I didn't know what to do. There was a

whole wall full of these things, and I wanted to make the correct cracker

choice. I mean, I was just going to get the originals, a little sodium, fat

-free, unsalted, and, you know, I knew a mild cheddar was the wrong thing, but I

just got it for you anyway.

That's right.

It's okay. You did good.

Thanks, Murph. And, Frank, you're paying for the mild cheddar because that was

so wrong.

Murph, you know what might work for your nausea?

Acupuncture. You know Mr. Woo.

Oh, Woo.

Woo -woo.

Woo -woo.

He's a former lover with whom I'm currently not speaking. He's a miracle

with needles.

Acupuncture, I tried it. It didn't do a damn thing for me.

Oh, too bad. It really worked for me.

If only Woo could do for our relationship what he did for my pineal

He isn't as fine, just like you, Phil.

Except the chairs don't tick to the floor.

And no soothing sound of the bug zapper in the kitchen.

Wish Jim were here.

Evening. Yeah.

Nice night.

I don't suppose you happen to know where one might purchase a quantity of...

...marijuana.

What? Mary Jane?

Weed? Leather?

Geez, you cops don't even try anymore. I'm not a police one. I'm a private

citizen who wants to make a simple drug transaction.

Now I need some high -grade leaf.

South American or Hawaiian origin. All buds, no stems, no feeds.

A man who knows what he wants? Yes, well, I've spent an entire hour on the

Internet.

Sorry, pal. This just doesn't feel right.

Wait a minute.

You're the guy from that TV news show, aren't you?

Yes. Man, I used to watch so much TV. I had to stop, though. I found it very

addictive.

Hey, you're not filming this now, are you? Because that's entrapment, and I

what I'm talking about. I'm a lawyer.

You're an attorney?

Well, not anymore.

I got tired of people looking down on what I did for a living.

Look, I need to buy some pot for a friend. She's suffering terribly from

chemotherapy. She's tried everything, but nothing helps.

I'll pay cash.

Well, yeah.

How much do you need?

Well, how much are you asking? And I'm warning you, I'm a comparison shopper.

All right.

I want nothing less than your primo.

I heard that on Nash Bridges.

Well, if you'll step this way, we'll complete your transaction.

By the way, Mr. Newsman, what was your name again?

Stone Phillips.

Hey, good name.

It's magic, Frank.

I'll get it. No, it's okay. I'm feeling better.

Where's my watch? It's gone, Frank.

Jim.

Hello, Murphy.

Come on in. I saw your light on.

Yeah, well, everybody's here. Guys. Wait, wait, wait.

I brought you something.

What?

Jim, is this what I think it is? Yes. It's a plastic bag full of marijuana.

Where did you get this? I bought it in the park. I understand it might relieve

your nausea. And I checked with the Justice Department.

Miss Reno is out of town.

Oh, no, Jim. Come on in.

Oh, it's Jim!

I had a feeling you'd show up. Look what Jim brought.

park and risked arrest just to help me feel better. It's like the time the park

ranger caught the deacon with more fish than his limit.

Oh, my God!

You just putt!

Quite an illuminating experience, actually.

There I was in Lafayette Park among the denizens of the night procuring drugs.

Closest I ever came to being such a brazen outlaw was when I took my

paper.

Nixon had resigned. It was a crazy time.

This is a whole different side of you.

I confess I find it intriguing, the dark side of J. Dial.

So, with your connections, any chance of you scoring me a Laotian houseboy?

Why, Jim, look at all of this.

You must have spent a fortune.

Damn right I did. Nickel bagged my Aunt Sally.

I had to go to six different cash machines.

Wow, look at all these stems and seeds in here.

I specifically asked him, no stems, no seeds.

You pay good money for grass, and this is what you get. This country's going to

hell in a handbasket.

And here are your rolling papers.

They weren't cheap either.

This is like golf. It's a very expensive habit.

Here we are.

Here, Murph, why don't I do this for you?

Oh, jeez. Look at this.

joint, and today I had a manicure. Man, times have changed.

Last time I smoked this stuff, I was at a concert in the park, and it was

raining. No, actually, it was a boat.

No? All I remember was music and water. Oh, I know. I was in the tub singing.

That's it.

Murph, you were in my living room watching the love boat.

Either way, it was a bad experience.

Boy, I remember back home, Uncle Jonas had a bad cotton growing season.

So he converted the south pasture into, well, let's just say another cash crop.

Anyway, it grew.

The cows ate it. My uncle milked the cows.

Between the milk, the butter, and the meat, I have five of the fattest,

stupidest cousins you've ever seen.

I never smoked much. Oh, maybe for a little while in college. I dated a

black panther. Took the edge off our rage.

Here you go.

Guys, I really appreciate you rallying around me, but I can't do this.

I tell you what, I'm tired. I'm going to go upstairs to bed. I'll see you

tomorrow.

Aren't you even going to try it?

No, I'm not going to try it. Murph, you can't live on saltines.

Look, Frank, I just have my own reasons.

So, if you'll excuse me, I'll take my saltines and go up to bed.

Good night, Murphy.

Good night.

Hello, Murphy.

I was sitting in my car and, uh... Well, I just couldn't leave knowing you were

upset.

Oh, Jim, I'm not mad at you.

I so appreciate what you tried to do for me. Come on in. Thank you.

Just need a minute here.

Nausea comes in waves.

I can't bear to see you like this.

I know you don't want to try this, but what if it makes you feel better?

And what do I tell Avery if he asks me if I've ever smoked pot?

Well, if you're going to tell him everything about your past, you better

that conversation catered, because you're going to be there for a while.

And you tell him the truth, that you're fighting cancer, and you're doing

whatever it takes.

What if it doesn't work, Jim?

That's what I'm afraid of.

And it won't work, and I've got five more months of hell in front of me with

relief.

I've never known you to shy away from risk before, slugger.

Why don't you give it a try?

This is weird, isn't it?

Maybe I'd feel more comfortable if I turned on a black light and played In a

Gada De Vida.

I was just used to doing this in a group, but I guess when you have cancer,

do a lot of things alone.

Perhaps, if you'll allow me.

This may come as a shock, but I've never smoked pot before.

Wow. You smoking a joint.

Everything's out of whack.

Someplace out there, Mick Jagger's driving a Buick.

No, it's not a cigarette. You're holding it all wrong.

You're not trying to impress Ingrid Bergman at Rick's Cafe. It's a joint.

show you.

Look. Cigarette, cigar, joint.

Cigarette, cigar, joint.

Like this?

Yeah,

that's it.

Well, for a second there, I thought you were Bob Marley.

The Republican from Minnesota.

You know, for someone who's never done this before, you're really hogging the

joint.

You bet I am. I paid for it.

You know what, Jim?

I think I'm feeling better.

I am.

I'm feeling better.

Oh, that's wonderful, slugger.

What about you? Are you feeling anything?

No.

I wonder if you can get high the first time.

I know you can get pregnant the first time.

Well, I can.

A woman can.

But you know that.

Whoa.

You know, Jim, I'm not only feeling better, but I'm actually feeling hungry.

Yes, food.

Good. Where?

You know what would be good?

A Spanish omelet. Those Spaniards really know their eggs.

Peppers, cheese, salsa.

Do you like yours fluffy or flat?

No, no, a sandwich.

Peanut butter and potato chips and salsa.

I like mine fluffy.

Dear Lord.

What? My hands are enormous.

We used to talk all the time together.

The last couple of months, you've been distancing yourself from me, moving

I was afraid you'd written me off.

I have worked with you for 20 years.

20 years.

And in all that time... I'm sorry, I've forgotten your name.

tip of my tongue.

So, so what's going on? Where the hell have you been? Why haven't you talked to

me?

I wanted to.

It's just cancer.

I just feel so... Jim, I've

always depended on you.

Don't desert me now.

Desert you?

Oh, slugger, no.

I'll always be the one to watch this over you.

Someone has to.

I mean, it's just that if you're having trouble with a story, I can help you

with that. But this... I don't consider myself a religious

man, but I've started praying to God for your health.

I always felt I could come to your rescue, and now I can't.

There's so damn little I can do but pray.

And I'm so terrified of losing you.

I'm not so easy to lose.

Jim.

Jim, I knew that. It was on the tip of my tongue.