Original subtitles

Hurry up. We've got other kids to pick up.

Hello? So, Murph, did you tell him? Who is this?

I don't know who it is. Yeah, I know, but just once I'd like to hear you say,

hey, Murph, it's me, Frank, Frank.

So did you tell Avery you're going into the hospital?

Hi, Murph. It's me, Frank.

I can't talk now. It's my turn to carpool.

I swear, Frank, if that little Sean gets in this car with silly string again,

I'm strapping him to the luggage rack and spending my morning going through

car wash.

Tell Avery that you...

Did you?

Well, I was going to last night, but he was memorizing state capitals, and I had

to break it to him. Washington, D .C. wasn't a state.

He was crushed. How could I tell him my news?

He was still reeling from the fact he has no state bird.

Murph, you're running out of time. You're having a lumpectomy tomorrow.

Look, I'm going to tell him. I will. I promise.

Just, you know, how do you tell your son you've got, you know... Murph, you have

breast cancer.

At some point, you're going to have to say the word.

No, I don't. I can go my whole life without saying it.

I was 39 before I used the word rhombus, and there are plenty of other words I'm

never going to use.

Gossamer, conflation, banjo.

Come on, Mom, let's go.

He's going to know something's up. He's a smart kid, Murph.

I'm sorry your date didn't work out, but there are plenty of other women out

there. Hi, Frank.

Hi, Frank.

Same plan. We pick up Harry first, then make a left and get Sean, then Huey, and

Stevie. Got it. Who's Stevie?

Huey's imaginary friend. Just stop anywhere and say, come on, Stevie, get

Got it. Have you got your homework?

Yep. Did you remember your briefcase?

Yep. You got your sneakers for gym class? Yep.

Oh, I left my spelling book in my room.

Oh, well, we're not going back for it, Avery. How many times have I got to tell

you to leave your books by the front door so you don't forget them?

Here's your tape of the Fred Thompson interview.

You left it on the couch.

Well, the point is, the couch is a lot closer to the front door than your room.

You know, I looked a lot smarter when you were a lot younger.

Mom, can we talk?

Sure. About what?

You know how you're always telling me we shouldn't hide things from each other?

We shouldn't. You're right.

We shouldn't hide things. Okay, Avery.

Come on, Dad. My hair orange.

What?

like Dennis Rodman's. I didn't fall for the trickle -down theory. I'm not

falling for this. All your friends are not dying their hair.

Can I ask anything, Mom?

Oh, shut up.

And stop kicking my seat, Huey, or I'm throwing Stevie out at the next light.

Oh, shut up. Don't even think about it.

This thing with Murphy is unbelievable.

I know. She's so strong and powerful.

I think she could just will this cancer to go away.

Like she did with Jimmy Swaggart.

Here she comes.

Oh, you guys missed it. Some meter maid wasn't paying attention and she slammed

into a fire hydrant. I haven't seen a header like that since Gerald Ford.

If I'd been ten seconds later, I would have missed the whole thing.

Life is good.

Yes. Oh, boy.

Where's that waitress? Hey, Flash, some service here?

Whoa, I could sit on a brick head and have it turn into a diamond before a

slowpoke takes my order.

So, Frank, you're giving me a ride to and from the hospital tomorrow,

Well, of course I remember.

All right, well, don't forget.

Now, Kay, I probably won't make it back for the show tomorrow night. Probably?

Murph, you are having surgery tomorrow.

Frank, I told you, it's just a little outpatient procedure.

Now, Kay, how are we going to explain my absence? Because the last thing I need

is for people to know I have this thing.

My job is to report the story, not be the story.

Well, Jim can say you're on assignment.

No, no, he can't say that. People will just think I'm goofing off.

Every time Dan Rather says he's going on assignment, I can practically hear the

whine of his fishing reel.

Okay, then he can say you're in Hong Kong. I was just there.

What about Paris? No, no, not Paris. I'll eat too much.

Fine, then.

What about...

Pennsylvania. And what am I doing in Pennsylvania?

I don't know. You can visit my aunt. The two of you can sit in a coffee shop and

make fun of the Amish.

Uh -oh.

What? Behind you. Rudy Grosso, that paparazzi slime.

Well, if it isn't the gang from FYI.

Hey, Grosso. Gee, I'm sorry to break it to you, but you're a little late. The

hyena's already carried off the dead gazelle.

This isn't Murphy.

Little Bertie tells me that you're going to the hospital tomorrow for some kind

of surgery?

Really? What am I having done?

Well, I was hoping you could tell me. You know, we're trying to eat here.

okay. I already ate.

Listen, Murphy, I want to be your personal photographer while you're in

hospital. Give me the exclusive. Just a few shots.

Well, he was misinformed. You better get a new birdie.

Hey, you want to play it that way? Fine.

You can change your mind.

You know how to reach me.

Sure. All she has to do is flush.

Hey, you wanted to keep your life a big secret.

You should have gone into insurance.

Let's face it. Your news, I'm just reporting it.

Isn't that what journalists do?

Journalist? How dare you? You are no more a journalist than you are a

Your ethics are despicable. You wrap yourself in the cloak of public servant.

Yet you're nothing more than a street hoodlum selling drugs in a schoolyard.

why don't you just shove off?

One way or another, I'm going to get my pictures.

up at the hospital tomorrow and that creep will be there waiting for me

some potted fern. I'm sunk.

Not necessarily.

Grosso may know you're going into the hospital, but he doesn't have to know

Kay's right.

All we need is a cover. Some phony reason that Murphy would be in the

What would make people think Murphy's in the hospital?

What about a facelift?

Look at her. Who's going to believe she needs a facelift? Yeah, Frank.

Now, about lift, they believe that.

Right. Assuming we've agreed on a cover and it's not unanimous, how am I going

to get in and out of surgery without that guy seeing me and telling the whole

world?

Calais, 1944.

I fainted toward Calais and then surprised Hitler and his goons on the

of Normandy.

That's a great plan, Jim.

What's he talking about?

We march Murphy right in the front door, check her in, attract a lot of

attention, only the real Murphy won't be at the front door.

She'll be sneaking in at another entrance.

I'm pumped.

I could do it. I could be Murphy. Look, I'm the master of disguise.

Oh, yeah, that'll fool a lot of people, Frank. Look, I don't mean to toot my own

horn, but let's face it, I'm unique, one of a kind.

I'm unique, one of a kind.

Who was that supposed to be?

Who was that supposed to be?

Oh, I get it.

Hey, Petey Gonzalez!

Talk about slow. I could lay an egg and have it turn into chicken Kiev before

Sally Snail served me. Stop that!

Stop that!

Stop that!

Jeez. Oh, jeez.

Let me see. Let me see.

Cool!

I'm really starting to like this, Avery. In fact, why stop here? How about a

tattoo? Nah, tattoos are for little kids. Turn around.

Oh, you said we pierced your navel. See, now you've gone too far.

You know, what made you change your mind about dying my hair?

Oh, I don't know.

Suddenly it didn't seem like such a big deal.

considering I once threw a water balloon at Paul Potts.

If you don't remember anything else, remember that murderous third -world

despots can dish it out, but they can't take it.

Avery, I've got to talk to you about something. Yeah, Mom.

Oh, it can wait.

What do you say we finish this and go out for some ice cream? Mom, you're

whispering on the phone. And yesterday, you and Frank stopped talking every time

I walked into the room.

How come?

Okay. Here it is.

See, tomorrow I'm going into the hospital.

You are?

Yeah. See, the doctors found a little something, a bump, and tomorrow they're

going to take it out.

A bump? Where?

Um, so right about here.

And your arm? No, actually, it's in my breast.

Ha -ha! You said breast!

It's not a dangerous operation.

In fact, I'll be home by the time you get back from soccer practice tomorrow.

Does it hurt?

No. Then how come you're going into the hospital?

Well, the doctors think that's the best thing to do.

Mom, you're not... I mean, you're going to be okay, right?

Hey, of course I am.

I've got some great doctors. I'm as strong as an ox. Are you kidding? I'll

around longer than that commercial where Santa Claus sleds on that Norelco

shaver.

It's on my... Do I look stupid to you?

Turn around.

Well, I am good.

Are you through?

Almost.

I did a thorough search of the area. No sign of our photographer friend.

Okay. The next few minutes are the most crucial part of the whole operation.

We need to make enough noise here to lure Grasso out of the woodwork.

Right. But not so much that it looks phony.

Right. Just the right amount.

Hi. I'm Courtney Sherwood. I called earlier.

We're here to admit a very important celebrity.

And we were assured that you would keep her identity very discreet.

What's the patient's name?

Well, I'm not sure I should tell you.

Just give me the initials.

M .B.

Well, I know it's not Marion Berry.

He's already here.

It's Murphy Brown.

But we don't want to draw too much attention to the fact that Murphy Brown

checking in.

I'm coming, I'm coming.

What do I have to do to see a doctor? You're hit by a safe.

I'm Miriam Chambers. Hi, we're Fred and Miriam Chambers. I'm having a baby.

Hey, what's the holdup? I don't have all day.

Geez, lady, you look like a big lemon.

Baby! Ah, quit your whining. There's nothing to it. Give Dad here a

Have him aim it somewhere on the floor. The kid will find his own way out.

Hi, I'm sure you know who I am.

Wow, you look different in person.

That's because she's incognito.

I guess. Oh, you're Jim Dial.

Oh, your eyes are so vibrant in person.

Hey, hey, hey, this isn't a singles bar. Back to me.

Your wheelchair. Here's your wheelchair. It's like a... How you doing, Miss

Brown? I'm here in the hospital about to have my ass stuffed like a Christmas

goose. How do you think I'm doing?

She's just mean, isn't she?

Contact Alpha.

Squirky sure would.

Well, other people must have this number.

Russell is here. Bring Murphy in now.

You guys are pathetic.

Ringling Brothers could have snuck in here quieter.

Smile, Murphy.

You, sir, are lower than the genitalia on a mite.

Can't a woman get some minor caboose repair without her face being in every

checkout line in the country? Out of the way, Dial. Not so fast.

long as he can. She's got to come out sometime.

Okay, Murphy.

Good luck.

I look forward to your new butt.

Oh, it's you.

Believe me, there's no one in there.

Yeah, right.

Miss Brown, how are you? I'm your anesthesiologist,

Dr. Glenn.

You're not going to knock me out, are you? I specifically told him not to

me out.

I don't let the mechanic change the spark plugs on my car without keeping an

on him. I'm certainly not going to be out while I'm on the rash.

Is the light okay, Murphy? It's not in your eyes, is it? No. And if you don't

mind, I'm the reporter. I'll ask the questions.

First of all, did everyone here wash their hands?

We always wash our hands. It's kind of a rule around here. Good.

Now, I see some new faces.

Before you do anything, I want to make sure nobody here went to some mail

medical school in Trinidad. Trinidad?

Trinidad? Anybody?

Nobody? Okay, proceed.

Oh, wait, let's get one thing straight. It's this breast. Got it? I've heard all

the horror stories.

Anyone here is dyslexic?

I better mark it. Who's got a pen?

That won't be necessary.

Which one is it?

The right breast.

Okay, oh, and do me a favor. Before you sew me up, I want you to count all your

tools. I don't want to set off any alarms at the airport.

Come on, I don't tell you how to do your job.

All right, all right.

Oh, and one more thing.

That person's x -ray up there, are you positive that's really me?

Yes, Murphy, we're positive.

Because, you know, it's just kind of hard to believe I'm not the kind of

who ever gets sick.

One time I was covering a breaking story in the Amazon. I jumped on a plane so

fast I didn't have time to get my shot.

I was in the jungle for three days, I didn't even catch a cold.

So, could you just check that x -ray again?

One more time, please.

Now, listen, I know this is a lot to process, but you're in good hands,

You know, people trust you when you're reporting a story. Now it's your turn to

trust us.

Okay.

First thing I'm going to do is prepare your skin with a little bit of beta dye.

The hell you are. The first thing you're going to do is knock me out, and I'm

going to need a lot.

Make sure you have a lot.

Believe me, we planned for that.

Not too much.

around this place, is there, huh, Gretel? No.

Oh, that's a damn shame.

You know, Fontana, I really gotta thank you.

You've been a big help to me.

What are you talking about?

You taught me persistence, you know? Like that interview you did last month

the tobacco executives, the way you ambushed them outside the courtroom.

yeah, right, whatever, huh? Yeah, same kind of persistence that got me these

great pictures of Murphy.

You don't have pictures of Murphy.

Your little goose chicks didn't fool me.

Oh, yeah.

I got some real beauts of Murphy being wheeled out of breast surgery.

Flimsy little gown.

IV in her arm. Pale as a ghost.

Her picture's gonna be in more grocery stores than that Lando Lakes chick.

You are much smarter than I thought.

Can I give you that muffin?

Sure, why? I don't want you to get blood on it.

I'll park you here for a minute while I get your medication.

Okay.

You're Murphy Brown.

Uh -huh.

What are you doing here?

Oh, just in for a little nip and tuck on the old gluteus maximus.

You're lucky.

I had a lumpectomy.

When they first told me I had cancer, I just couldn't believe it.

I'm only 46 years old.

All right, 47.

I have two kids, a boy and a girl.

She's an angel. He won't wear shoes.

I'm telling you, they can give you all the valium in the world, but it doesn't

take the fear away.

Am I talking too much?

Because let me know if I am.

No, it's okay.

You know, it's funny.

I don't usually open up this much to people.

Well, maybe it's because I've seen you on television.

You've been in my living room.

Or maybe it's because I haven't been this stoned since the Doors concert in

Or was it all of 68?

I'm so stoned I think your hair is orange.

It's just so hard.

No one wants to talk about it.

And that makes me feel embarrassed, and I shouldn't feel embarrassed.

You know, I can't even get my husband to say the word cancer.

Maybe he's afraid of saying it out loud.

Because then it'll be real.

Maybe.

But me, I just say it because I refuse to let it get the best of me.

And I've just told you enough about myself to last you a lifetime.

Sorry.

Nice talking to you.

Yeah, good luck.

Good luck to you, Murphy. Your secret's safe with me.

It's Murphy Brown. She just had a butt lift.

I heard that.

So, uh, how's she look?

Uh, I haven't been in.

Well, standing bedside isn't my strong suit. I might say the wrong thing.

It's so difficult to find the right words.

Besides, Murphy's in that hospital gown, and she doesn't need much of an excuse

to flash something.

You know, you don't look so bad.

You can hardly tell they did anything.

Not that I'm looking.

I, uh...

Look

at Murph.

I'm going to help you fight this thing.

Boy.

Two of us, we've been to hell and back, haven't we?

I mean, we've been through so much together.

If anything were to happen to you... I love you, Murr.

I mean, you know... Not the way it sounded, I mean, it's just...

More like that movie when Harry met Sally. You know, before they slept

It's just that... Look, what I'm trying to say is I will always be there for

you, okay?

Always.

Unlike most of those other guys you've dated.

You know, this might not be the right time to say this, but your taste in men,

it really stinks.

Geez, Frank, I'm not deaf. I just have cancer.

Murph, how much of that did you just hear?

Everything after you don't look so bad.

Did you hear that, Frank?

I just said I have cancer.

I heard you, Murph.

And I'm going to fight it like crazy.

Okay, Miss Brown.

That's right.

Slow and moving.

I'll take you back to get dressed, and then you can go home.

Home? Now?

What is this, a drive -thru? I have cancer, for God's sake.

Hi, there. I have cancer.

Hi, there. I'm Murphy Brown. I have cancer.

What are you still doing here, Frank? Shouldn't you be getting the car? I have

cancer, for God's sake.

If she needs a butt lift, it would have been so much easier.

From the creators of Degrassi.

What have you got to lose? Give it a shot.

No, no, I couldn't. Try it. It's fun.

Well, okay.

Hey, snail lady, I'd like a little service here.

Michael's old mule was faster than this.

Don't smile.

don't have Murphy's Flair. I'm so sorry.