Original subtitles

previously on murphy brown hey corky nice piece on mammograms you've been

some terrific stories lately murphy when's your last mammogram murphy see

next year we can't release you yet why the doctor would like to see you

dr cadet murphy brown

So, what's the deal here? I'm waiting out there forever.

Maybe I haven't checked your parking rates lately, but every minute that

by cuts into my kid's college fund.

Sit down, please. I'll stand if you don't mind.

So, Dr.

Milton Gavis of the UCLA School of Medicine, what's going on?

We've detected something on your mammogram.

I believe it's called star quality. I'm not surprised your machine picked up on

it.

Right here.

A small abnormality about two centimeters across. You see it?

I see it.

What does it mean?

We don't know yet. And that's why we're ordering more tests.

And, Ms. Brown, I don't want you to panic.

Panic? I don't panic.

I think I'll sit.

Look, there's a 95 % chance that this is nothing.

Nevertheless, I want a biopsy.

Any time in the next couple of days will be fine.

Nothing. What's the rush?

Well, as I said, there's a 90 % chance it's nothing, but better to err on the

side of the angels.

So now I'm down to 90? How'd I get docked 5 % in the last 10 seconds?

Why don't you take out your date book?

Okay, but I'm a very busy person. A lot of people depend on me, you know.

Sometimes it's about more than life and death.

Sometimes it's about television.

So what's today?

Tuesday?

Why don't you come in on Friday?

Friday? No, my son has soccer on Friday.

Well, what about Thursday?

I've got editing all day Thursday.

Tomorrow? Tomorrow, no.

November looks good.

Let's see where this is going. Why don't we see if they'll take you right now?

Now? We'll do a simple procedure called a needle biopsy. There'll be very little

discomfort, and we'll have the results by the end of the day tomorrow.

We use the local, so you shouldn't feel anything.

The only thing you might want to do is to ice your breath to minimize the

swelling. You can use an ice pack or even a bag of frozen peas will work.

I'm supposed to walk around with an ice pack in my blouse? Just for a day.

Uh -huh.

And what do I tell the people at work? That I sprained my breast trying on a

bra?

Good morning,

people.

Murphy, do you know you have a bag of frozen peas in your blouse?

What are the odds? I don't know.

Just a little sore from that mammogram yesterday. I can't find anything in this

new office.

Is there any coffee in this thing? Where's Jim? He's good with machines.

He's been upstairs with the lawyers for the past two hours.

Why? Why is he upstairs with lawyers?

They're trying to kill our marauder food story.

They can't do that. They can't kill that story. We busted that supermarket chain

two years ago for health code violations, and now they're back to

face. Well, the network salutes your pluck, Frank, but they can't get past

fact that your pluck ended in a lawsuit that cost them $15 million.

I don't need to tell you that's a lot of pluck.

I'm paraphrasing. Read for yourself.

since I'm the only one who's not a member of AARP, to FYI from the network

department. We strongly advise against any further pursuit of the story

detailing health code violations within the Marota grocery store chain.

Because the jury ruled that your undercover techniques were unethical,

network, can no longer expose ourselves to another costly lawsuit.

Therefore... Oh, well, this really stinks. We went in there and caught them

selling rancid steak smothered in barbecue sauce and bleaching chickens to

them look fresh.

Oh, why did I resort to that whenever you guys came over to dinner? But you

the risk going in.

We catch the crooks, they sue us, and now the crooks are back in business.

You can give the law department this.

We're not backing down.

Oh, very dramatic, Murphy.

But if the network gets sued and loses that kind of money again, FYI, we'll be

anchored by hand puppets.

That would be just fine with you, wouldn't it, Kay? Because your primary

isn't whether a story is good or not. It's whether it's sexy.

Hey. I've got a good idea.

Why don't you make us the centerpiece of a theme night?

Bad Meat Wednesday.

Are you telling me that I don't have a passion for journalism?

Is that the way the rest of you feel?

I don't know.

You're making me think I'm a hack because I used to produce game shows.

I obviously haven't earned my stripes yet.

Well, I'm here to tell you something. I'm not leaving this place until I've

earned your respect.

Oh, well, well, we respect you, Kay, don't we, guys? Don't we respect Kay? Mm

-hmm. Bye.

I'm staying.

Hey, Jim.

How'd it go, Jim?

It was a hellstorm up there. Two hours, trapped in a room full of lawyers and

Armani knockoffs, burping up breath ashore.

Ladies and gentlemen, justice has prevailed. We have our green light. You

it, Jim. All right.

I did, however, have to make a couple of concessions.

Such as?

Well, uh...

They want a network lawyer in the remote unit at all times. No way. All right,

settle down, now settle down. No one likes it, but this is what it took.

Jim, you said there were a couple of concessions. What's the other one?

Oh, nothing much.

Jim.

I just had to do a few affiliate promos.

Oh, Jim.

177 of them.

Sitting all day recording inane slogans and ditties.

Murrow never did it.

Cronkite never did it.

And until now, I never did it.

My God, I've given a piece of my soul to those people.

Okay, I just finished up, Frank. Your boy's all wired, mic'd, and ready to go.

Hello, Murphy.

You're looking lovely today.

Are those peas in your blouse?

That's right, Carl.

Oh, to be a legume.

Dean, you're doing a good thing.

It took guts to come to us about those violations, and it takes even more guts

to go undercover for it.

You can stop squeezing my hand now, Dean.

Oh, sorry, man.

I've been waiting for a chance to get even with that store.

I was next in line to be promoted to the 12 items or less lane.

Man, that's some sweet life.

But no, they passed me over. Hey, I envy you, Dean. I'll tell you something. If

I could take a step into that store without being recognized.

I'd be doing exactly what you're doing. Yeah? Well, I'm going to be just as

famous once I'm on TV.

Oh, actually, Dean, you won't be on TV. The camera is mounted in your hat.

We'll only see what you see.

Hey, Dean.

Pay attention, Dean. All right.

Listen, see, downstairs there, you're talking to the butcher, right? You're

asking him what he does with the meat that they don't sell. And he says, hey,

why are you asking me all these questions, kid? What do you say?

Well, I... Yeah, why do you have an interest in meat, huh, kid?

I don't. What are we doing bumping around the meat locker for, hmm? I

you snipped into chicken parts. What's going on, box boy?

You know what, Matt? You can't say anything besides, I, you, uh, I, uh...

jeez.

Now,

Dean, Dean, calm down.

Now, Dean, I know you're under a lot of pressure, but don't worry about the

consequences.

That's what's on your mind, isn't it? That you'll be found out and fired.

I could be fired?

Well, that... That would be the worst thing in the world, Dean.

I'm sure you have marketable skills.

Not really.

You guys would give me a job, right?

Well, I don't think we could do that, Dean.

See, and the news business is important, but we'd be discreet. And frankly,

you're just a little stoolie.

Get somebody else, all right? I don't need this. I'm going back to the 7

-Eleven. At least when they rob you, you get to be on TV.

Great. You're supposed to get the story. Oh, God.

I feel so helpless. I wish I could go in there and nail those guys, but I can't.

Damn this face.

You're not that famous, Frank. My mother still calls you Fred.

So is this how real journalists handle setbacks?

When I was a game show producer, we came up against much tougher stuff than

this. Everything from a mule suffocating in box number three...

The time Jim J. Bullock and Shirley Jones got into a slap fight during a

lightning round.

Did we quit?

Oh, no.

I say where there's a will, there's a way.

Hi, I'm Hannah. How are you?

Welcome to Morota Food. Would you care to sample some Wisconsin cheddars, some

Munster? And doesn't my gouda look good -a?

Carl, I'm getting a good enough picture from that camera in her wig.

Are you kidding?

Look at the size of that hair.

We can shoot the chariot right from Ben Hur.

Here comes somebody.

The last thing she's thinking about is cheese. Watch me. I'm on a cholesterol.

Hi there. Welcome.

I'm your cheese hostess, Hannah.

Oh, you look like you've had a hard day.

Your slack's cutting you in an unpleasant wedgelike manner.

Your dog's piddled right on your Herculon bath mat.

Here, steal a nice moment for yourself with some Paul Revere cheese squeeze.

You know our motto, one is by land, two is by cheese.

No, thanks.

I'm lactose intolerant. Oh, I dare you to find one dairy product in this.

Go like that and try it.

Hmm. I'll tell you what, if you buy the family size can, I'll throw in a free

can of Paul Revere's sausage squeeze.

The sausages are coming, the sausages are coming.

I'm vegetarian.

Oh, I dare you to find one meat product in this.

Kate, it's not about the cheese.

Rookie mistake.

You've got a job to do, Kate. Come on, focus. Will you stop pacing, Stan? Oh,

well, I'm sorry.

You know, my Yale law school roommate is arguing a case in front of the Supreme

Court this week while I'm stuck in a crappy van which no one bothered to

ventilate. So forgive me for pacing. I do it in lieu of hanging myself.

What's your instinct?

Ooh, is that a beam?

I don't like this. I don't like this at all. She's calling way too much

attention to herself. I smell a lawsuit.

Heads up. Heads up. Here comes the butcher.

Okay, good.

Now, repeat everything I tell you.

Hi there. How are you today?

Hi there. How are you today?

Fine.

Excuse me.

Those steaks look nice. Are they fresh?

Oh, those steaks look nice. Are they fresh?

Stop leading him. You're leading him. I knew this was going to happen. You

people can't be trusted. This was a big...

Big mistake. Shut up, you nimrod. Shut up, you nimrod.

What? Sorry, I've got a mild case of Tourette's.

Bitch in the truck, bitch in the truck, bitch in the truck.

I'm having trouble hearing the butcher.

If I can't hear the butcher, then I can't monitor the conversation.

Kay, Carl and Rantman say they're having trouble hearing the butcher. Stick them

like it.

Hey,

Ed, I'm just noticing, isn't the color of this meat unusually vibrant?

And is this date here on this rump roast, is this the date you're supposed

sell it by, the date you're supposed to use it by, or is it the date the darn

thing was killed on?

You know, you ask an awful lot of meat questions for a cheese lady.

Cheese on to her, pull her out. Pull her out?

Hey, watch what you say. Be careful or Stan's going to shove us around.

Okay.

What's going on? I don't think she can hear us. It must be her earpiece.

I lost contact.

Stan, why don't you make yourself useful?

Go to the store and get me a fresh bag of keys.

I'm thinking back. When was it? When did I cross the line? When did I go from

reporting the news to becoming bigger than the news?

To once again be the common man.

Frank, go with Stan.

If only I could remember Murph the face.

Promo number 46, Buffalo, New York.

And action.

We're walking proud, we're talking proud at WIVB in Buffalo, New York.

That's good, Jim.

Now, a little more animated, okay? And action.

We're walking proud, we're talking proud at WIVB in Buffalo, New York.

Uh, Jim, uh, that was the same.

No, it wasn't.

Hi, any messages?

Could you check again?

Gadded. Dr. Gadded.

Okay. Let me know if you hear anything.

Oh, Ed.

You seem to take such pride in your work. You know what I'd like?

To see an action.

But I know I'm not allowed in the back there.

Am I?

She can't invite herself back there. That's entrapment. He's got to invite

Didn't she read the memorandum? Come on, Kay. You can do it.

We really need this.

I really need this.

Well, nice talking to you, miss. It's Hannah.

Okay. I don't want to keep you from your work, Ed.

Even though I'd love a lesson on the how -tos of deboning a chicken.

I could never get the hang of it. I'm all thumbs.

Except in bed.

Sorry.

Well, they got me working at a different store tomorrow.

Nice meeting you.

Oh.

Would you look at the hands on you.

Oh, those are the hands of an artist.

You really think so?

Oh, I'm telling you.

Well, you know, deboning is not the puzzle you think it is.

Look, uh, I wish you don't do this, but, uh, why don't you step in the back and

I'll show you how it's done?

Oh, take me, take me to your world, Ed.

Yes.

Promo number 58, Detroit.

And a big hello to the Motor City.

Welcome home, Channel 62.

Kansas City, here I come.

Home to CBS.

Hey, Beantown, keep that dial tuned to WFART.

That's all right.

All right, which one of you wise anchors did that?

This is where the magic happens.

So tell me, Ed, did you always want to be a butcher?

I guess I just fell for the romance of it all.

But, hey, how could you not fall under its spell?

Oh, yeah, oh.

Oh, it's just like stardust.

Oh, look here now.

It's a pile of ground beef.

It's 15 % fat and this pile says 30.

You probably could mix it together and leave it on whatever you want, right?

Oh, no, ma 'am. We have very strict company guidelines.

They take them very seriously and I take the guidelines very seriously. You know

why? Because I am a meat man.

Oh, don't I know it.

Oh, how clumsy am I?

I knocked a costly steak right on the floor.

Oh, my. Oh, I've just stepped all over it accidentally.

Oh.

Oh, God knows what's stuck to it now.

Oh, don't worry. That happens. But you know what they say.

Waste not, want not.

Okay, here we go. He's repackaging can of meat. Way to go, Kay.

Oh, Ed, now that you've wrapped it so nice.

What are you going to do with it?

Take it down to the animal shelter for the dogs because I love animals.

What a huge waste of time. Let us just pack it in.

Hold it. What's he doing? He's got the bleach.

Hey, Dirt.

Oh, Ed.

What are you going to do with that bleach?

Give these old drumsticks here a nice Clorox jacuzzi?

No, no. I use my bleach to make this place gleam.

And gleam it does, Ed.

Well, I must take my leave.

You know what they say, time and cheese wait for no one.

Wait.

Would you like to see a trick I pull with the meat?

Trick? What kind of trick, Ed?

Turn around and close your eyes.

Oh, Ed, this must be something. Okay, promise to keep this between you and I.

Well, who could I tell?

Hey, don't, don't peek.

No peeking.

Okay.

Okay, I'm looking out.

Oh, Ed.

A meat Valentine.

Would you be mine?

Easy TV.

What a great story. Story?

Kenny, there is no story.

What do you mean? You busted this chain of markets two years ago.

They cleaned up their act. Isn't that a story?

Oh, yeah. Here's your promo. Tonight on FYI, cheese lady talks to nice butcher.

Nothing happens. Switch to TNT. Cheryl adds on in a prison movie.

Maybe I don't have the years of experience that you two have, but

I'm wrong.

Don't we have the responsibility to show the public what's right about the world

from time to time? Yeah, but that's not nearly as much fun as... And a sexy

story, Murphy?

Bad meat Wednesday.

Never saying anything out loud again.

to make sting operation go. Oh, the place was clean.

Great. Congratulations.

Why? Well, you obviously scared the bejesus out of them last time they

their lesson. Good for us.

She's right, huh?

We had an impact.

We actually changed something. We mattered.

That place was clean.

It was clean because of...

We've got a great story here.

Wait a minute. We're going to go on national TV and do a story about a

corporation that learned its lesson, that's behaving responsibly, that grew a

conscience. Well, that's not a story.

That's a news bulletin. We should interrupt programming immediately. This

great.

Dear Lord, it was awful.

Five hours spewing hideous aphorisms, and I only got as far as the mountain

zone. Did you get a great story? Yes, we did.

Tell me all about it. Well, we went in.

And the place was clean as a whistle.

But whistles are filled with spit.

At this time, we couldn't catch them at anything. Isn't that great?

Where is that lying little box boy? I'll kick him from Maine to Spain.

Yeah, we're turning all red.

You bet I am. They've got me hawking shows about nannies who wear their

hiked up to their woo -woo.

And who is this Raymond everybody loves? I'll make up my mind.

They make me say fart.

Hey, I've got a great idea. Let's all go over to Phil's. Yeah, let's. You know,

Kay, you did a good job today.

Thank you, Murphy.

And you know what that means, don't you?

Dinner's on you.

Order big, everyone.

I'll catch up with you. I'm just going to check my messages.

I'll wait for you, Murph.

Dr. Gaddis, please.

Dr. Gaddis, Murphy Brown.

I don't understand.

Is an appointment really necessary?

Can't you just give me the results over the phone?

Doctor?

Never mind. I guess you already have.

When's the earliest I can come in to see you?

Um, wait, wait. I don't think I'm going to be able to remember anything.

And you better give me your address again, too. Hold on. Let me just find my

glasses.

Um, I'll tell you what. Let me get that from you in the morning.

I'm going to hang up now.

Can I never find these damn things?

What is wrong with me?

These big glasses.

I used to be able to see.

I used to be able to touch my toes.

The other day I couldn't remember who sang Soul Man. How could I not remember

that?

When did everything stop working?

And why didn't I get a notice that my services were being shut down?

And now these damn things don't work. It's not strong enough anymore. I hate

Murph, I think the reason you can't see out of these is because they're mine.

Oh, and it was Sam and Dave who did Soul Man.

I think.

What just happened here, Merv? What's going on?

The mammogram I had yesterday, Frank, they found something.

There wasn't supposed to be anything, but it is.