Original subtitles

Before we end our show this evening, it's time to do something none of us

ever thought we'd be doing.

And that's to bid farewell to our colleague of 20 years, Murphy Brown.

Murphy has accepted a post at the White House as the president's media advisor.

20 years.

20 years is an awfully long time, Murphy. And to put it in perspective,

gone through four presidents, six wars.

126 secretaries and enough angry letters to fill an airplane hangar.

All but three from Dan Quayle.

Anyway, it's been a privilege to sit beside you all these years.

And suffice it to say, I'm going to miss you.

She looks like she's going to cry.

Murphy? No way.

Go in a little tighter.

Saying goodbye to FYI is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, but

a big world out there, and it's time for me to see what else it has to offer.

I wish I could come up with something poignant, something like Dave Garroway's

peace sign or Bryant Gumbel's quivering lip, but right now the only thing

in my mind are jumbled thoughts and overused cliches.

I'll just say good night and thank you for the best 20 years any reporter ever

had.

And we are clear.

Wow.

The end of an era.

You guys, you made me cry on the air. Just know someone at Dateline had their

VCRs going.

Murphy, I know I'm the rookie on the team, and God knows we've had our

differences.

And occasionally I'd flip you the bird when you weren't looking.

More often than you were.

But you challenged me, sis.

You made me better.

Oh, hell, what I'm trying to say is thank you for this year.

I'll always treasure it.

Okay. That's so nice of you to say.

I'm not going to cry, Murphy. I want to cry, but I won't.

I hate goodbyes.

I love you, Murphy.

Okay, one last chance. Now, this is one of your practical jokes, right? Because

this is a good one. This might be the best one ever.

Oh, come on, Murph, you're breaking my heart. How am I going to get by without

you?

So what have you heard? They're cancelling the show, aren't they?

What have I got, another week or so?

For God's sake, Frank, they're not canceling the show. It's just time to

on. No, you can tell me, really. It's okay. I know I should have taken that

at MSNBC, but the MS threw me off.

I thought it was MsNBC.

You know, like one of those all -ladies channels like Lifetime or something like

that.

You gonna come to Phil's with us one last time? No, I can't. I gotta go home

pack. Taking a vacation before I start the new job. I decided to rent that

house in Bethany for a month.

It's just gonna be me, my kid, and a... Big stack of Grisham novels.

I don't know what I'm going to read.

See, I haven't heard anything about them cancelling the show, nothing.

Oh, Frank, I'm going to miss talking you off the ledge.

Me too.

So, Jim, maybe I'm reading you wrong, but are you okay with me leaving the

Of course I am.

I guess I just sensed a little disapproval.

Because you're jumping the fence?

You're certainly free to make your own choices.

Now, when you say jumping the fence, do you mean... That it's always been your

job to report the truth to the American people, and now your job will be to spin

the truth?

Jim, it's just time for a change. It's a big world out there. Ah, big world. So

you said.

I guess what I'm asking for here is your blessing, Jim.

It would mean everything to me.

Good luck, Slugger.

Oh, uh, by the way, do you know why I always call you Slugger? No, why?

Because I always knew you could hit one out of the park.

Besides, I knew I couldn't get away with calling you Toots.

Swing for the fences, Murphy.

I know you can do it.

It's your birthday, too?

This ring a bell?

The family have regulations.

Name, please.

Murphy Brown.

Okay, you're on the list.

I'll need to see some... Identification.

Yeah, yeah. You know, it may not say it on your little list, but I'll be shaping

policy. I'll be making changes at every level.

Yep, I'll be wielding a lot of power around here.

We're in the subterranean parking structure, level four space.

260. Nice butt.

You're a gopher.

Have a nice day, ma 'am.

Big pedal stop, little pedal go.

You're still here, ma 'am. All right, all right.

Back so soon, ma 'am? Oh, I'm

just going out for a while.

I've been told to confiscate your badge, ma 'am.

I don't know what you're talking about.

I think you do.

All right, I was fired.

Is that what you wanted to hear?

Yes, ma 'am.

They say they want change. You offer a few opinions, and then you find out

they're not open to criticism.

I've got standards to uphold.

I can't hoodwink the American public.

Pop the trunk, please.

Oh, this is ridiculous.

I haven't even been here an hour. What could I have stolen?

How about this?

Ah, Mom.

She knows there's no problem a batch of cookies can't fix.

And she also knows that if she pretends to get a hideous hairdo, her son will...

All right, I'm back.

Oh, sorry.

I'm on the wrong floor. It's the synapses. They don't... No, you don't

One minute.

I'm in the right place.

What have you done with FYI?

I don't know.

And what happened to my office?

And Frank and Corky and Jim and that little twerp who used to sit over by the

water cooler. I think his name was Gene.

Gene!

Again, I must say, I don't know.

I'm Mr. Dunn with United Telesales.

We're selling Al Martino tapes at a greatly reduced price for our telephone

customers. You know who he was, the singer -singer.

I care about Al Martino.

There was an office right here a month ago. Where are they now?

Oh, those people.

They're gone.

Gone?

Oh, my God.

I go away for one month, and this is what happens.

The show gets canceled.

You always think it's you that's holding the place together.

You're the key.

I know it's an egocentric way to think, but in this case, it happens to be true.

I could have saved them.

Now it's too late.

They're not gone, gone. They just moved upstairs on the other side of the

building. Well, why do you say that?

Oh, you're leaving now? I thought maybe you could just kind of hang around

and...

Yeah, that's a great idea.

Oh, my God.

Land ho!

I spy the new world.

Filled with spices and exotic savages.

Arr, let's give them liquor and syphilis.

Hey, Kate.

Murphy.

What a nice surprise.

I'll be right down.

GK, what's all this?

Columns? Two elevators?

Hey, look, you can see the Capitol.

We were that close?

Ah, dramatic, isn't it? The money we saved last month on your expense account

alone paid for the move.

She's just kidding. You should see what CBS spends on Ed Bradley's earrings. He

only wears one, but you've got to buy two. That adds up.

Oh, how I've missed that puckish sense of humor.

I bet they're really getting a kick out of you at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

That Janet Reno looks like she'd enjoy a good practical joke.

Funny you should mention that.

Oh, hey, look who's decided to go slumming. How you doing, Murph? Murphy,

can't believe it. You look so good.

What a little trip to the colorist wouldn't hurt. So, how's your vacation?

What do you think of our fancy new play?

Hey, isn't it your first day at the White House? Well, yes, yes, it is, but

thought I'd just stop by and... take you all out to lunch. My treat.

Oh, that's so generous, Murphy.

But I'm sure you have such important things to get back to. I mean, who are

We're nothing. We're just a box of chiclets.

And I'm not talking about the big box. No, I'm talking about that tiny, teeny,

teeny box that just held two.

That's what we are, two little chiclets.

And you're running a whole darn candy factory.

Well, yes, that's true, but gosh,

standing here, looking at your faces, I'm...

Just so filled with affection for you all.

Well, I didn't realize how much I've missed you guys.

Hey.

I've got an idea.

What if I could get them to let me out of that White House job? And that's a

if.

Maybe this is where I belong after all.

You were fired. I wasn't fired.

They're so stuck in their old ways that any new person would... Fired. And

you're not going to believe this, but the White House is a complete dump.

There's asbestos everywhere.

Fired. And I was going to spend half my time giving checks back to Asian guys

who... Fired. Oh, right, I was fired.

Murphy, didn't I just hear you were fired from the White House? That's a

No one's ever fired.

They resign or they're impeached or they mysteriously disappear, but no one's

fired.

Well, I guess there's always something new to learn in that big world out

I'm sure it's gotten even bigger since you left.

Why, there's a window. Let's go check, shall we?

Good Lord!

It's you!

So what happened, Murph? Was it something you stole, something you

something you said?

Wow, the trisectal!

You must know.

I parked in Al Gore's spot, I ticked off Madeline Albright, and apparently I

committed an act of treason when I reached over and ate some of Clinton's

fries. Anyway, the good news is I'm back and I'm ready to go to work.

What?

Murphy, when you decided to up and leave us... You think you're right in place

in that enormous, gigantic, colossal... Jim, will you stop it?

I'm saying you've replaced me already?

We are in negotiations with someone.

Who? Because of the delicacy of the negotiations, we're presently not in a

position to divulge that information. Who is it, Frank? Joan Lunden. Joan

Lunden?

Are you adding a cooking segment to the show?

Joan will make a great addition to the staff. Who doesn't love Joan? We love

Joan. Viewers love Joan. Well, I love Joan, too. but you don't replace gold

lead. That's just basic metallurgy.

All right, I got stuck in the metaphor, and I had to run with it. Do you really

think people would prefer her over me?

Joan!

Hello, everyone.

Murphy, what a surprise to see you here. How's that big world out there?

So, Joan, how's it going? Now that I don't have to get up at 3 .30 every

morning, it couldn't be better.

Can I offer anyone a poppy seed muffin?

Oh, sure.

Can I offer anyone a White House paperweight?

Oh, Joan, so I haven't heard from your representatives yet today. Am I to

that these are I'm -so -glad -to -be -a -bored muffins?

Actually, they're kind of something's come up, and please don't be mad at me,

muffins. I don't like the way that sounds, Joan.

Hey, the woman's trying to tell a story. Go on, Joan.

I know we were pretty far along in the negotiations, but I got a call with

another offer.

I think I really owe it to myself to explore the other opportunity before I

commit to FYI. Well, I think that's wise, Joan. I really do. Joan's wise.

Joan, we're all friends here. These things happen.

And so do long, protracted legal battles.

Manipulate her, for God's sake. She's Joan London.

What are you up to?

Nothing.

Joan, listen.

You and I are of a certain age. We have only so many years left to make our

mark. You're at least ten years older than I am. Shut up, Joan. I'm trying to

help you.

You've got to make every career opportunity count. And don't worry about

I'll handle her. You should be able to do whatever you want.

I mean, you're Joan Lunden. You're a national treasure.

Oh, thanks, Murphy. It really means a lot to me coming from an historical

landmark.

Look, guys, I'm going to come clean.

I, um, I made a big mistake.

I gave up the thing I really love for a backstage pass at the White House.

I don't know what I was thinking.

I belong here.

This is what I do.

I want to come home.

Can I?

Please?

Fine.

Okay.

Not at my old salary, of course. I've got the White House on my resume.

and that concludes another edition of FYI. Good night.

Excellent show, everyone.

Murphy, you were in rare form.

Well, I guess President Andy of Mayberry will think twice before he broods

anybody like me again.

Harvey, nice piece on mammograms. You've been doing some terrific stories

lately. Tough, balanced.

Oh, thanks, Murphy.

I just got so immersed in the topic, you know. If you're a woman, which I know

you are, despite what it said in that German magazine, how can you not?

We women have to fight. breast cancer with every tool we have. Here he is.

Murphy, when's your last mammogram?

Let me see.

Oh, yeah. I was doing a story on President McNugget calling for a trade

Iran. That was about two years ago.

Well, then it's definitely time for another one. Murphy, you're in a high

group. You smoked, you drank, you never exercised.

And since most breast pumps are first discovered by husbands and lovers, that

puts you at an even greater risk.

Surprised women don't examine their breasts more often. I mean, how long can

take? An hour?

Let me get bills, Frank.

Fine. Shut me down.

You should listen to Corky, Murphy.

Without our health, we have nothing.

When was your last mammogram?

Oh, I don't bother with those. It doesn't run in my family.

Oh, my God. I don't believe you two.

I'm going to make the appointment. And you both are going to go. And I'm going

to be a little gnat in your face until you do.

Little man.

Button on your face.

Will you stop it? All right, we'll go.

Wait a minute. What do you mean, we? I don't like anything that hurt.

It doesn't hurt. Trust me.

I don't believe it. Joe London got my job at the White House.

What did you put down for age?

Form. I just don't know if they expect you to lie or not.

Not that it makes a difference. It's just years.

Years of your life ticking by faster than you can believe. One day you're on

road with the stones. We're on the road with the stones?

It's a long story.

Oh, look, number 12. Did you see? Do you have implants?

Hey, if the technologist can't tell by looking at me if I have implants or not,

then she shouldn't be in this job.

That's what I wrote down.

I don't know what inspired them to put that question on the form. It couldn't

have been good.

I had implants for a while, but I had them removed.

I was on my way to an archaeological dig in Bora Bora.

The plane hit 40 ,000 feet. One of them exploded.

Took out a table tray and a stewardess.

I'll never forget the look on her face.

I made that up, the whole story.

That's what I do when I'm nervous. I make stuff up.

Kay Carter Shepley?

Guilty.

And, of course, you're Murphy Brown. I watch you all the time.

Now, if you'll follow me.

You know, that machine that you're using, it's the latest equipment, right?

Because I don't like x -rays. I don't like anything that starts with an x. I

mean, Xerox, that has two x's in it.

I find that very frightening. I mean, it's all making copies.

Do you give gas? Because if she keeps talking, I'm going to need some.

Geez, how was yours?

I think that technology is used to work the shirt press at the dry cleaners.

Well, tell me about it. I kept waiting for her to ask if I wanted my breasts

back in a box or on a hanger.

Oh, excuse me. I don't want to be a pest, but how much longer do you think

going to have to wait?

It'll just be a few minutes. Thank you very much.

Why are you being so nice?

You think they're going to take you over and let you pick out a toy from the

treasure chest?

I'm just banking a little good karma.

Who's to say there isn't some greater force deciding fate?

A small act of kindness might change his, her mind.

Right now, when she, he is about to decide whether... I

should die.

Whether I should die.

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

Could you calm down? You're not going to die.

It's just that I've been getting some strange signs lately.

Very little pulp in my orange juice this morning.

Last night, my cat didn't come home.

On the way to work, the oil light came on in my Hummer.

Anybody else probably wouldn't pay attention to these things, but... In my

I... I guess it means... I'm going to die.

You're not going to die.

Everything's going to be fine.

I'll tell you a little something about myself, Murphy.

I'm very afraid of death.

Really?

I've done a lot of things in my life, everything from waiting tables to

producing game shows to spending six months as Snow White in the Disneyland

electrical parade.

Another one of your lies?

never commit i'm always on the run and you know what i'm running from a hot

sweaty little dwarf who's trying to stick his head up your dress

no no death

hey when he she flips the old dead switch there's nothing you can do about

don't see how you can be so calm aren't you afraid of anything not really

Okay, it was my turn to tell the lie.

There is something I'm afraid of.

I'm afraid I'll get older and I won't be able to do my job so well.

And nobody will tell me.

I could volunteer for that job.

Everything looks great. You can go.

Thank you.

not gonna die.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Hey,

what am I doing? Look at me running out of here.

I'll wait for you.

Okay, go on. That'll just be another minute. I'll see you later.

Are you sure?

Positive.

Listen, thanks for showing the boogeyman to the door for me.

Murphy?

Finally. You're about to go in my doghouse.

So, if I hurry, I can just beat the beltway traffic.

See you next year.

We can't release you yet.

Why? The doctor would like to see you.

Why? What's the problem?

I think you should talk to the doctor.