Original subtitles

Play this, people. We're coming back from commercial in one minute.

Okay, we seem to be running a bit short, so you'll have to kill some time with a

little banter. Oh, good lord.

Oh, I hate banter.

Why don't we just call it what it is? Happy talk.

Empty, stupid, mindless happy talk.

Now, come on, Jim. I'm sure we could think of something worthwhile to banter

about.

Hey, we could talk about what the spring flooding is doing to the economy of the

Midwest. This is a national news program, damn it, not think.

Right, the interest rate.

Welfare reform. Oh, no, no, don't you understand.

The topic has to be serious.

It has to be profound. It has to be... Mother's Day.

Gosh, it's just a super holiday, isn't it? Just super.

And since we have a little time to chat...

How did you spend your Mother's Day, Murphy?

Well, I spent it with my son, Avery.

Super, that's super.

Miller, how about you?

Oh, I called my mother on the phone, and we talked about stuff.

Super.

There's nothing more touching than a boy and his mother talking about...

Stop.

Corky, what about you? Any super fun Mother's Day activity?

Well, Jim, my sisters and I took my mother to a spa. That was a lot of fun.

Oh, God.

It wasn't that much fun.

Oh, I think we all enjoyed chatting about Mother's Day, but I'm afraid

all the time we have. For Murphy Brown, Frank Fontana, Joe Wood, Miller

Redfield.

And we're clear.

A little bit too late, but we're clear.

Ah, good work, everyone.

I think you just convinced 20 million viewers that they should read more.

What's the matter, Miller?

Hey, hey, hey, you okay, man?

Oh, of course he's fine. He's always blubbering about something.

Remember the time he found out there was a man in that Barney costume and he

wore dark sunglasses for a week?

Murphy, can't you see Miller's hurting?

There, there.

Trouble, son. Yeah, Miller, you can tell us.

Well, you remember when I said that I talked to my mother on the phone about

stuff? Well, you see, it was more than that.

She... She... She... Okay,

now I'm starting not to care.

Come on now, Miller. Miller, she... What?

She... She said that I'm a complete and total embarrassment and that she's

deciding to write me off as her son.

Gee, that's a tough break.

So who's up for Phil's?

She said that I'm her only child that is still single. Her only child who

doesn't have a family. That I'm her only child who's a... How did she put it?

Oh, yeah.

An idiot!

No, she's a mother.

Mothers have very high expectations for their children.

Yes, she also said that anyone who works in television might as well be a

carnival worker biting their heads off of chickens.

If the woman's a monster, you should put her in a home.

Oh, listen to me.

Hey, I don't want to burden you with my problems.

You guys go to Phil's. I'll be...

I've learned that you can try to make people love and respect you, but you

force them to.

That's why ultimately what matters is what you think of yourself.

Now, does that seem to make sense?

Well, yeah.

Yeah, it does.

It really makes sense.

See, it's not so hard.

What does any of that have to do with my mother?

Hey, guys.

You know, I just want to thank you guys.

Those things you said made me realize that my mother has got me all wrong. You

know, it's like you said.

I'm kind, decent, clean.

I have very legible handwriting.

You were sort of reaching toward the end there.

Well, I'm glad things are working out for you. Hang in there, son. Okay? Yeah.

Everything's going to be okay.

You bet it is. You know, it's going to be better than okay. In fact, from this

day forward, I will never be intimidated by my mother again.

Okay.

Oh, hello.

I am Virginia Redfield. Can you tell me where I might find my son, Miller

Redfield? What the

hell are

you doing, Miller?

Me? Oh, nothing. Just hanging.

Crying out loud. What are you looking at? All right.

It's my mother. Make her go away, Murphy.

That's your mother?

Yeah, why do you say it like that?

I don't know. I guess I expected something more simian.

Well, that's her. I'm not going out there, and you can't make me.

Miller, get out.

All right, I'll go.

Listen, Murphy, why don't you come out there with me?

If she saw that you were my friend, she might think better of me.

But we're not friends.

All right, fine. Well, you could say that we're colleagues.

Uh -uh.

People who work together?

I'd really rather not commit to that.

Okay, fine. Hey, I understand, really.

I don't need you to go out there with me.

Yeah, okay, what do you want?

All I want is for my mother to love me. Didn't you want for your mother to love

you?

All right, here's what I'll do.

I'll go out there, I'll stand next to her, and I won't say anything.

And if she happens to interpret that as a lack of repulsion towards you on my

part, then so be it.

Wow, you'd do that for me?

Thanks, Murphy, you're a real friend.

I mean, you're somebody who's not repulsed by me.

And that, in a nutshell, Murphy, is Einstein's theory of relevosity.

Oh, hello,

dummy.

Well, what are you doing here?

Well, Miller, I've been feeling bad about our phone conversation the other

night. You have? Yes, and I don't like to think of myself as an unfair or

judgmental person, so I decided to come up here and see for myself if your life

really is the complete and total embarrassment I know in my heart it is.

Well, hey, any reason for a visit's a good one.

Hey, hey, Mom, listen. There's someone very special that I'd like for you to

meet. Mom, meet... Murphy Brown. Well, now, there is no need to introduce me to

the famous Murphy Brown. Now, I don't like most people on television, but you

are the shining exception. I never miss one of your reports. I think you're

terrific.

Murphy and I are friends.

You two are friends?

Now, you know, I must say I find that just a little surprising.

The only other friend I remember Miller ever having as a boy was a stick.

Even gave it a name, didn't you?

What was the name you had for that stick?

Stick.

You always were a dummy.

I've got to get to lunch. It's been a pleasure meeting you. Why don't we join

you? I'm feeling a little peckish myself. And since you and Miller are

close friends... Well, we are, but you know we're not the kind of good close

friends who eat together.

Oh? Well, that's true. Yeah, but you know, there was that one time that we

eat together. Remember that, Murphy? The time we ate together?

No. Come on! You remember? We ate together.

You had the... food.

the time we had the food and all that beverage.

Right then. Come on, let's go.

You know, come to think of it, Miller did have one other friend after his

friend got chewed up by the neighbor's dog.

Remember that?

Miller, it was a rock.

What was the name you had for that rock?

Stick.

I have done some research on it, and it turns out that when I was pregnant with

Miller, we were living downwind of a nuclear testing facility.

Can I ask you for some menus? Oh, and, Miss Brown, you don't have to sit here

you don't want to. I got a table over there wide open.

Uh, that's okay.

Murphy's eating with me.

Really? So, what happened? You lose a bet or something?

Okay, what can I get you to eat?

I can't decide between the tuna salad and the club sandwich. Which do you

recommend, dummy?

Well, the tuna salad's got a lovely... Well,

Murphy, I have to say, of all my sons, Miller is absolutely the last one I

have expected to have a friend of your obvious breeding and stature.

I know. Sometimes I just have to pinch myself to make sure it's all real.

It's all real.

Well, that's very nice of you to defend your friend like that, Murphy, but I

still wouldn't put him in the same category as my son, Breen. Now, Breen is

entrepreneur whose company just made it into the Fortune 500.

Or Debbie, my daughter, the brain surgeon.

Or my oldest son, Robert, the actor.

Robert. Oh, now, Miller, come on. He does run that lovely independent film

festival out in Utah.

And he's done so much good work on behalf of the environment.

Are you telling me that your son Miller's brother is... Let's just say

always be Robert Redfield to me.

There you are, Miss Brown. Hi.

Wait a minute. You're having lunch with Miller?

What happened? Did you lose a bet or something?

Anyway...

Do you want to know if we still need to have the story meeting at your house

tomorrow? Yeah, we do. Okay, great. I'll go tell her. Good. Oh, you know what?

I'll tell her myself.

No, no. You're eating lunch. I'm happy to tell her for you. Really, I insist.

It was a pleasure meeting you.

Really, Miss Brown, you could have stayed. Just shut up and keep moving.

This is your great friend. She really is. You know, I'm so lucky to have a

friend like Murphy.

Miller, will you stop it?

I know what's going on.

You do?

Well, of course I do.

A mother always knows where her son is lying to her.

The way Murphy is so uncomfortable being called your friend.

The way she doesn't want to be seen with you in public.

You two aren't friends.

You're right.

We're not friends. We're not friends at all. Of course you're not.

It's perfectly obvious that you and Murphy are lovers.

Oh, that's a good one. You've got to hear this, Bill Jr.

My mother thinks that Murphy and I are lovers.

Believe me, Mom, if there's one thing we're not, it's lovers.

Well, that's too bad, because I was starting to see you in a whole new

Okay, you got me. We are lovers, yeah.

Boy, are we ever lovers. I knew it. I just knew it. My boy is having himself a

little office romance.

And he's smart enough to keep it quiet because that's the professional thing to

do. You know, Miller, you may not be a complete and total embarrassment after

all.

I love you, Mom.

Hi,

Miller. Oh, hi, Miss Redfield. What a surprise.

Yeah, well, my mother wanted to see what an FYI story meeting is like.

Isn't that nice?

And to get me a peek at you and Murphy's little love nest.

But remember, Mom, I'm trying to keep this whole office romance thing a

Hey, don't you worry about me. I can keep my mouth shut.

Look how long I kept it from you that the neighbor's dog ate your goldfish.

Wait. I thought you told me you gave stick to SeaWorld.

Oh, yeah.

That is what happened.

Hey, everyone. You remember my mother, Virginia?

Oh, yes.

Here's a plate, Mrs. Redfield.

Why don't you take some food?

Yes. Murphy's cooking up a storm.

And she cooks?

Because I dragged you all to my house for the story meeting, I figured a nice

home -cooked breakfast was the least I could do.

So, is everybody happy?

Well, actually, Murph, now that you mentioned it, I don't think I can eat

eggs. They're just, like, a little runny.

Oh,

gee, I'm really sorry.

I guess you were under the impression that I was running a restaurant!

Would you all excuse me? I'd like to go freshen up. Miller, where's the little

girl's room?

How the hell should I know?

What?

I mean, how the hell should I know which is the best bathroom for you to use?

Frank's the bathroom expert.

Frank, which bathroom should my mother use? I don't know.

The one in the upstairs hallway?

Oh, yeah, yeah, that is a good one. Yeah, in fact, it just may be my

You know, and while I'm up there, I'll just poke around a little to familiarize

myself with the house.

After all, I'll probably be spending a lot more time here.

What do you mean by that?

Yeah. Why would she say she'd be spending a lot more time here?

Uh, you know, it's...

Just an expression. But look, when my mother comes back down, if she should

it sound like Murphy and I are lovers, just play along, okay?

Why would she say something like that?

Because I told her Murphy and I are lovers.

For the first time in my life, my mother respects me, and it's because she

thinks I'm in a relationship with Murphy. Good.

God, man, you're insane.

Do you have any idea what Murphy will do to you when she finds out? Now, now,

wait. As someone who has schemed and plotted against Murphy, it's not

to deceive her.

It takes skill. It takes cunning. It takes a brain significantly larger than

filbert you've got working for you.

Relax, okay? Murphy is not going to find out. Now, I've thought this whole thing

through. I've accounted for every possibility.

Trust me, this plan is foolproof.

Miller!

Did you know there's a little boy upstairs?

Oh!

I mean, there is? Yes, Murphy has a little boy upstairs. Why didn't you tell

Why didn't I tell you? Oh, that's a good question.

Yeah, I didn't tell you because... Because... Because

Murphy and I have been secretly married for years and that little boy up there

is my son.

Oh!

The sausages are ready. They turned out a little runny, too. I think there's

something wrong with the oven.

Thank you, Murphy.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

You don't come like that, huh? Well, there's a whole lot more. I'll just go

them out of the garbage disposal.

You have blessed my family. From your loins has sprung an heir.

What are you talking about?

Now, you know I'm talking about the fact that you and... Oh, my God, Mom!

Mom, you've got something on your cheek.

What? What? Where? Which one? Well, it's just, it's all over.

Maybe I'll have to wash it off. Oh, yeah, that's a good idea. Oh, gosh, I

I'm going to throw up.

Okay, so what do you say we get back to the story meeting now?

Forget the story meeting. Why was your mother talking about my loins?

Your loins?

I've got a good explanation for that, but I...

Can't give it to you, right? I'll go to my house.

Any of you know what's going on?

I'm going to go help Miller's mother and pick her up. Good idea.

Yeah, me too.

Hold it, Miller.

What's going on here?

Okay, Murphy.

I can't do this anymore.

I've got to come clean.

I've been lying to my mother.

Oh. God, don't tell me she still thinks we're friends.

No, she sort of kind of thinks we're married and I'm the father of your

Oh, yeah.

It is pretty funny, huh?

You're going to kill me now, aren't you?

You don't have to do this, okay?

I never should have lied to my mother in the first place.

I should be happy with who I am and not look to her for approval.

All right, so you're going to tell her the truth and clear this whole thing up?

Yes. Yes, I am.

Okay, but I still reserve the right to kill you.

Well, that's only fair.

Mom, could you come out here, please?

Yes. What is it?

Uh... Remember how I told you that Murphy and I are married and that the

upstairs is mine?

Yes. Well, the truth is, the kid isn't mine.

He isn't. No, he isn't.

Fact is, Murphy's been cheating on me for years, but I forgive you, honey.

All right, that's enough.

Miller and I don't have a son. I'm not his wife, and as for being his friend,

well...

closest I ever came was one time on FYI when I felt guilty and told him Naked

Day was canceled.

Miller, is this true?

Yes, Mother, it's true.

Well, I... I don't know what to say. Well, I'm shocked. I am outraged.

But mostly, I'm relieved, huh? What? Miller, this woman is a filthy slob.

You know... Not to see that kitchen.

Now, hold on a second. When I was upstairs, I took a little peek inside

bedroom closet. You looked inside my closet? You bet I did, because closets

never lie. And yours says piggy, piggy, piggy.

Trust me, son.

Even a dummy like you can do a darn sight better than this sorry excuse for

mate. Now, you listen up, short stuff. I happen to be a great maid. I have a

terrific sense of humor. I'm a good listener. I like to cuddle. I'd be a

wife for Miller.

Oh, God, what the hell am I saying?

You don't even know what you're talking about.

Does she, Miller?

Murphy's right.

What did you say?

I said she's right.

I'd be lucky to be her husband. And if you're going to let a messy silverware

drawer or a filthy, disgusting pigsty of a closet stand in the way of you seeing

what a great person Murphy Brown is, well, I'm not sure I care what you think

me anyway.

I cannot believe what I'm hearing.

You've never talked to me like this before.

In fact, none of my children has ever talked to me like this.

But I guess you always were different.

And by different, I don't mean artistic or creative.

I mean slow, dim -witted, slack -jawed, dumber than... Yeah, I got it, Mom.

I guess what I'm trying to say, Miller, is maybe it's best if you just go on and

live your life the way you want to, and I'll just make the best of it.

Wow, thanks, Mother.

Oh, that's all right, son.

And if anybody back home asks, I'll just tell them that... You are married to

Murphy Brown, and that darling little boy upstairs is my grandson.

Would that be okay, Murphy?

No.

All right.

I believe I'll go call my son Breen.

Trashing that plug -ugly hussy of a wife of his always makes me feel better.

Okay, you can kill me now.

I'm not going to kill you, Miller.

With a mother like that, you've suffered enough for a lifetime.

Tell me about it.

I can't believe I told that stupid lie.

You and me married? What was I thinking?

That has got to be the stupidest lie anyone has ever told in the history of

entire world. I mean, it's just so stupid.

Well, now, hold on, Miller.

You and I being married, it is pretty stupid, but it's not the stupidest thing

in the history of the world.

Huh.

So you want to go out to my car and mess around?

You really are going to kill me now, aren't you?

Morning, everybody.

I had such a good time making breakfast yesterday that I decided to try my hand

at gourmet coffee.

Oh, quit complaining. It turned out really nice. $3 .50 for a cup of fancy

takeout.

Okay.

So who likes it thick?