Original subtitles

Excuse me, could you tell me where the Murphy Brown display is? It's over to

left, right next to the, uh... Hey, wait!

Aren't you Murphy Brown?

Hey, me?

I wish. Now, I'm just lucky enough to have been born with the teeniest,

fraction of that woman's grace, charm, and natural beauty.

I'll go look for the display myself.

Or maybe I'll use to follow the crowd.

Oh, well, it's my stuff.

Hey, kids, back off. You're fogging the glass.

Murphy?

Huh? Oh, I wish.

No, I'm just like... Okay, it's me.

What are you doing here?

Oh, you know, I really didn't want to come here, but, you know, Dana, she just

really insisted on looking at my display. You know, I just can't say no

Yeah, so where is she? Who, Dana? Oh, she's just over, you know, if you just

right around... Houston.

All right, I admit it. I'm here for the same reason you are, to look at people

looking at me hanging in a museum. Isn't it incredible? I'll tell you what's

incredible, though. I'm on display here, and they still expect me to pay to get

in. Well, what are you going to do?

Distract a guard, jump the turnstile, and run like hell. I'm on display.

Yeah, this is pretty good, you know, but I hear that Frank Fontana exhibit over

there is really something pretty special.

Yep. I hear that...

The famous leather jacket of his is on display.

Oh, the hell with it. I'll be able to buy my stupid jacket.

All right, Missy.

Put away the camera. Flash photography is strict.

you again.

Now, tell me, when was the last time we chewed the fat?

I don't remember, anyway.

Hey, wait, I remember.

It was back when I was a highly paid tobacco lobbyist and you convinced me

there'd be absolutely no consequences if I spilled the beans on my bosses.

Oh, yeah, that, Stuart. Well, you know, that didn't work out exactly the way I

planned. Boy, I'll say. You ran your story and they fired me.

Gave me the old heave -ho.

Can't buy sorry ass.

Well, Stuart, I'm sorry about that. Yep. Things got so bad there, I even had to

sell some personal items that were very near to my heart. But that's why the

good Lord gave us two kidneys.

Am I right?

Yeah, but look at you now, Stuart.

You're a security guard.

And you've got all those keys.

Just one of the perks.

Oh, sure.

I don't have the glamorous lifestyle I did before you got me kicked off of FYI.

And, of course, I don't have the power I had before you got me kicked out of

Congress. And, okay, I don't have the fully functioning renal system I had as

a... Boy,

when you run it all together like that, it paints sort of an ugly and depressing

picture, don't you think?

No, it doesn't, Stuart. It doesn't at all. Why... Why, I think you're doing

something really important here.

You do?

Oh, yeah. Why, I bet you affect more people's lives every day as a security

guard than I do as a stupid journalist. I mean, who cares what I do?

Oh, my God, it's Murphy Brown.

You saved my life. When you uncovered that exploding gas tank thing, I got rid

of my car. And then one week later, boom, it blew up.

Would you mind?

Does that happen very often? Oh, my God, it's Murphy Brown in person.

How did you get here?

Exciting life. Did you make it out? To Molly.

Stewart,

wait.

Stewart.

Stewart. He's a museum security guard?

Yeah, but I mean, there's nothing wrong with being a security guard.

I mean, you should see all these keys.

Uh -huh, I'm sure they're great.

Listen, Murph, there's no reason that anyone has to know that we're actually

that exhibit last night, right? Don't worry, Frank. No one's going to know we

were at the museum.

Hi, good morning, Murph and Frank. I trust you enjoyed your trip to the

How did you do that?

Oh, so that's where you guys snuck off to yesterday.

I don't believe you two. Getting wrapped up in something as petty and

insignificant as a stupid little museum display.

Really. Sometimes you have, like, such little children.

Wow.

That really hurts.

But you know it would hurt a lot more coming from someone who actually had a

museum.

Okay, okay enough.

Now, Murphy, I'm going to assume that even though Diane Sawyer's exhibit is

bigger than yours, you had nothing to do with that little fire at the Franklin

Museum last night?

Fire? There was a fire?

Great. Say it just like that to the arson investigator and we'll all be

in the... So, was anything damaged at the museum, Kay?

Actually, nothing was damaged. I have the AP story right here. Let's see.

The fire threatened a number of prized television artifacts, including

Gilligan's hat, Dick Van Dyke's ottoman, and Batman's cape and cowl, yada, yada,

yada. But tragedy was averted thanks to the efforts of security guard Stuart

Best. What? Stuart Best?

You know this guy?

Yeah. He was on FYI the first season. Yes, and was that fellow ever annoying?

He used to crack his neck while we were on the air, which wouldn't have been so

bad if after each crack he hadn't blurted out, ah, that's the stuff.

Poor guy.

I mean, think about it. He goes past those exhibits dozens of times a day.

He might have been part of if he'd been allowed to stay as part of FYI.

Well, you know what? Everybody can just stop feeling sorry for Stuart Fett. He

told me himself he's very happy being a security guard.

You saw him? Yeah, I saw him yesterday in front of my exhibit.

Really? Huh.

You didn't tell me you saw him in front of your exhibit.

So I left that part out. What's your point?

Well, I just said...

I mean, come on, don't you find this just all a little bit of a coincidence?

mean, you know, here you are being honored by a museum, and maybe he just

you're rubbing his nose in it. So to make himself feel better, perhaps he

little fire.

And then he puts it out so he can be a hero.

Wow, that's twisted.

I don't believe what I'm hearing. That good man risks his life to save some of

the most important cultural artifacts of the 20th century.

And this is how you reward him. Oh, please.

Murphy, the man rescued a pair of stretched out superhero tights worn by a

who wasn't even the best Batman.

They were Val Kilmer's tights. Val Kilmer, please.

I'd take Michael Keaton any day. Personally, I have high hopes for that

Clooney fellow from E .R.

I sort of liked Adam West. Although Roger Moore was pretty impressive. Moore

wasn't Batman. He was Bond, and Connery was the best Bond ever.

Pierce Brosnan does it for me. I like George Lazenby. Hey, hey, hey, my point

that Stewart is a hero and should be recognized for it. Now, if you naysayers

don't object, I think I'm going to do a story on that brave man, and maybe, just

maybe, I can turn his life around.

Well, I guess you all have a lot to think about, don't you?

I guess we do.

I guess we do.

George Lathenby. Hey, I know it's not the popular show.

Stuart? Murph?

Hey, it's great to see you. Come in, come in.

Hi, I hope I'm not interrupting.

Oh, not at all.

No, I'm just mixing up some of the ingredients. for my mother's exfoliating

chemical peel.

Better put this stuff aside. Sometimes the fumes can cause dementia.

I'll be in a minute, Mother. Your beauty goo hasn't quite congealed yet.

I have to say, Stuart, it's very nice of you to take care of your invalid

mother. Invalid? Hardly. My mother's the one -armed push -up queen down at

Gold's Gym.

Silver -haired sweetie just likes to order me around, and this monitor just

helps her to do it without leaving the comfort of her TV room.

What brings you to our humble abode, Bert?

Well, I'll tell you why I'm here, Stuart. I'm here because you, Stuart,

great man, a noble man, a man whose dedication and courage embody the true

spirit of this country.

Really?

I think I'm going to move this bucket into the kitchen.

I'm serious. What you did yesterday, ripping your life, saving those

dousing that fire, well, I think people should know about it.

That's why I would like to interview you Wednesday night on FYI.

Really? Wow.

A chance to get back on FYI.

A chance to be heard by millions of people and a chance to walk once again

the gods.

So what do you say, Stuart? Will you do it? No way, Jose.

not? Well, it's very simple, Murph.

The spotlight has never been kind to me.

Forget kind. The spotlight's held me down while its friends have beat the

heck out of me.

This time it could be different. This time, the spotlight could change your

life. Change my life? Why would I want to do that?

I mean, I've got a dependable minimum wage job.

At least until the strike is settled and they fire all us scabs.

Got a comfortable bed to sleep in?

Well, It's really more of a couch.

I mean, I've got... I showed you my keys, right?

Okay, Stuart, look, if you won't do it for yourself, then do it for...

Do it for the kids.

The kids? What kids? The kids who need a hero like Stuart Beth to look up to.

Really? Me?

I mean, Stuart, you go on FYI, you will serve as a shining example of heroism to

every pigtailed girl and freckle -faced boy in these great United States.

And Canada? Okay, Canada, too.

So what do you say, Stuart? Will you do it? Will you go on FYI and show people

the hero you really are?

Well... What the heck? I'll do it! For the kids!

I'm going to need some more biographical information for the interview, but...

I can just get that later. Oh, why wait? There's no time like the present.

Oh, it's okay, Mother. We've got plenty of time. Your country line dancing class

doesn't begin for another two hours.

You see, it all began 47 years ago when Sal Malewicki fell in love with a

roguish pincetter named Owen Best.

Six months later, I was a preemie.

Stuart Best was born.

It was a sunny day.

Okay, Murph, go ahead and say it.

Say what? You know, I told you so.

Yes, Corky's right.

We saw the copy before your interview with Stewart tonight, and it's

you said it would be.

Quite frankly, we're all ashamed.

I have to agree. The story is upbeat, it's moving, it has a positive message,

inspires and educates.

God, I hope our ratings don't go on the crapper.

Excuse me, Ms. Brown.

I'm Aegis Scanlon with the FBI.

Oh, good. You got here. Did you bring the honorary G -man plaque?

Yes, ma 'am. Although it's actually a junior G -man plaque.

And the truth is we don't usually present these things to adults.

See, the corners are rounded so the boys and girls won't cut themselves. And it

moves when you turn it upside down.

Oh, great. Let me see that.

All right.

If this doesn't make Stuart feel like a hero, I don't know.

Please, ma 'am. We're going to break the moor.

Mert, I just remembered some fun facts for the audience. You see, this happened

in the summer of 63.

Me and some of the other kids from Camp Sissy Manunu snuck into the counselor's

tent, and this is where it gets good. I bet it does, Stuart, but why don't you

save it for when we go on the air? There's someone very special here I want

to meet. Who is it? The president? No, no. Even better.

Hello, Stuart.

Whoa! Adam West TV's Batman?

It is better.

I just wanted to personally come here tonight and thank you for rescuing my

and cowl from that fire.

And?

Oh, right.

Stuart, you're more than a hero. You are a superhero.

Whoa, thanks.

Boy, that really means something coming from Batman.

Stuart.

You do know that I'm really not Batman, don't you? Of course I do. You're in

your civvies.

You're millionaire Bruce Lane.

Bruce Lane, get it?

Uh -huh.

All right, 30 seconds, people.

Okay, Stuart, I'll tell you what. You sit down right here. Now you just relax

and enjoy yourself. Remember, this night is for you. Oh, don't.

It's not for me. It's for the kids.

We are live in 5, 4, 3, 2... Good evening and welcome to

FYI.

Let's stop.

For your information tonight, we leave with the kind of story you don't hear

enough of these days.

A positive story, an upbeat story. A story about a true American hero.

Perfect? Thank you, Jim.

I've had many distinguished guests join me in this chair over the years, but

none who has earned the right to be here more than the man sitting with us

tonight. Stuart Best, welcome.

Thank you, Murphy.

Why don't you tell our viewers about your moment of heroism? What was going

through your mind as you were dousing those flames?

Well, it was really pretty simple. I was thinking about my boss, Mr. McKenzie.

Of course. You were worried about your boss and whether he'd get out safely.

Actually, I was thinking about how much I hate the lousy bastard.

In fact... I remember I was aiming the fire extinguisher at the flames, and I

was thinking, take that, Mackenzie, you lousy bastard!

Well, there's that, Stuart, best sense of humor. We've missed so much around

here. But getting back to the fire, I think our audience would like to hear

theories as to how the blaze got started.

Well, I don't think anyone will ever find out the truth, because there were

witnesses, and the security camera on the ceiling had been knocked out by

someone that evening. Yeah, reports indicated that. Who do you think was

responsible for that?

Oh, well, that would be me.

I bumped into it accidentally.

You accidentally bumped into a security camera that was mounted on the ceiling?

Okay, I lied. I did it on purpose because that bastard McKenzie keeps

me. That guy makes me so mad sometimes I could just kill him. Of course, but you

don't mean that literally. Yes, literally.

But I wouldn't give to wrap my hands around that.

Here's an idea. Why don't we go to Corky Sherwood at the Franklin Museum for an

update that was taped earlier today?

This is the scene where resourceful security guard Stuart Best single

-handedly... And we are into the clip.

Stuart, what the hell do you think you're doing?

The way you're talking, people are going to think that you're responsible for

setting that fire.

What the best ludicrous, why would they think that?

Gee, I don't know. No witnesses, wanting to kill your boss, taking out a

security camera. I mean, you did everything but tell us your favorite

Towering Inferno.

No, that is a wonderful movie. It's rich, it's subtext, it's... Oh my God,

you're right!

Well, what am I going to do?

All right, places, people.

All right, Stuart, just relax. I tell you what, I've got an FBI agent here

going to present you with a special plaque, so you just accept it and smile

we'll smooth this all over. Great, and don't worry, I know just what to say.

All right, we are back from the clip.

In five, four, three, two... I didn't do it! I didn't do it! I didn't do it!

No! Is that right? I am not going to go to jail because I didn't do it!

Thank you.

Perfect. That was most enlightening.

I didn't do it! I simply didn't do it! I didn't do it!

Stuart? You in there?

Stuart?

What's going on here?

Just a routine investigation, ma 'am.

And by the way, thank you for all of your assistance.

My assistance?

Don't be modest.

Without your probing line of questioning, we never would have

Best as our leading suspect.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some ransacking to do.

Oh, Stuart.

I am so sorry about tonight.

But, well, look on the bright side.

It's not everyone who gets kicked in the back by TV's Batman.

Well, thanks for trying to cheer me up, Murph, but it's...

Time I faced up to things.

What happened tonight was my fault.

My fault and no one else's. Each one of us is the master of his own destiny.

And if decisions I make of my own free will turn out to be wrong, well, then I

have no choice but to live with the consequences.

Wow, Stuart, what an incredible attitude.

So you don't blame me? Are you crazy? Of course I blame you! You ruined my life!

What is it, Murphy? Did you wake up this morning and say, Say, Stuart Best has

crawled his way back to respectability.

Oh, I know. Why don't I get him convicted of arson?

Now, calm down. I'll tell you what. Why don't you get your mother in the tomb?

You can stay at my house until the investigation's over.

Mother, my God, and all the excitement I forgot about mother. Oh, yes, about

your mother. We found this note for you in her bedroom.

Dear Firebug.

After seeing you on television tonight, I've decided to run off with my

boyfriend, Dwayne.

As you know, he sells fireworks by day, pubs gasoline at night, and in his spare

time, wiggles troll dolls out of very, very, very dry kindling. Needless to

you stare the hell out of him.

Goodbye, Stuart.

Love mother. Oh, my God. My mother's gone.

Oh, Stuart, I'm really sorry.

I mean, I've devoted my every waking hour to that woman. What am I going to

to fill my days now?

Well, Stuart, you could see friends. You could go out on dates.

You could get a hobby.

Well, that's not bad. I mean, maybe I could perfect the unified field theory

build a particle accelerator or take a whack at that whole cold fusion thing.

Maybe I could buy a new hat. Yeah, you look good in a hat.

Yes, I do.

And you know, there's a haberdashery right down the street and there's a very

nice woman behind the counter. Maybe she could help me pick one out. And maybe

we could go out for coffee and have children.

Mr. Best, we'll be leaving now. Sorry if we inconvenienced you. What? You're

leaving? We just received word. Our investigators determined the cause of

fire was a faulty electrical outlet.

You're in the clear.

I am?

Did you hear that, Mert? Oh, that's great, Stuart.

Hey, aren't you guys going to clean up this mess?

Clean up this mess?

That's how to keep this one.

Clean up this mess.

Oh, this is just wonderful. I'm not going to go to jail, and thanks to you,

going to have a new hat and two lovely children.

Four feet brown, you are a miracle worker.

Well, I mean, sure, you may have caused me a few years of heartache and misery,

but with one stroke, you've wiped the slate clean.

Great, so no hard feelings?

None whatsoever.

Consider yourself guilt -free.

Well... Good luck, Stuart.

Oh, thank you, Mark. And what's got nothing to do with it? I mean, I have a

lease on life. Nothing can stop me now.

Hello, Stewie.

No,

Dennis Rodman.

Listen, I'm going to stay with you for a little while, Stu, but not to worry.

It'll only be until I hit the lotto.

Hi,

Dad.

I'm home.

Hey, Stu, I'm so glad you're here. I have some wonderful news.

Your mother and I have decided to reconcile.

Wow, that's great news.

So, are you going to be moving out?

Well, not exactly.

Coming, Mother.