Original subtitles

Walk calling Orson. Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.

Come in, Orson.

Good evening.

I'm Mork Wallace.

And I'm Morky Safe. And I'm Mork Reisner. Does my hair look good from the

Welcome to the Expanded Mork Report.

This year's observer thesis deals with every burning question of our time.

Sir, how's it going in Mork and Mindy's marriage, okay?

This better be good, Mork. Your promotion is riding on it.

Oh, yes, your turn of funds.

Let's just run out the flagpole and see if it sits, all right?

Each year, sir, millions of couples enter into the state of matrimony. But

getting married isn't a trick, sir.

Staying married is.

Why can't you do a thesis on something I'm interested in?

Like, why do hot dogs come six to a pack and the buns come in eight?

Sir, it's a little different format. Just try and stay with me, okay?

In my experience, sir, there are four main ingredients to a successful

It's just a matter of blending them in the proper amount.

Take honesty, for example.

It's always the best policy, except when you have a psychiatrist with a big

mouth.

I left the price tag on so you know how much I really love you.

I saw that and I said, that's my little pooter, especially if it's half -priced.

I wasn't really too sure what your size was, so I had to find someone who was

built like you.

But boy, was I lucky, though.

There was a truck outside with a flat tire, and this guy was out there, and he

looked kind of like you, man.

Well, he had straight hair, and maybe his feet were smaller.

It's a combination of Little Abner and everything I've ever seen before. Oh,

honey, it's the history of vinyl.

Morgan, it's really unique.

Unique? It's a piece of art.

Look at this. I mean, Roy Rogers gone berserk.

I got a little boutique called Razor Lips. They even had fiberglass underwear

there.

Min, Min, Min, you can do a million things with it. Really?

I can only think of one.

I'm so excited. You look so good. I have to take you out tonight. We are going

dancing. Oh, no.

I can't. I don't have the right shoes to go with this.

Guess again.

I bought it from a man named Bubba.

Look at that.

Going up?

Well, they go.

They go.

Oh, Mark, I just can't accept.

You paid for it.

Say, Daddy, did you give Mommy that present?

Did you give...

I've

never seen anything like that.

How about a sultry one, you know, kind of, I guess, magazine stuff, okay? Neat.

Hey, if I put the rope in front of the picture, it'll look like you're hanging.

Here we go.

Hey, it's just like shooting a stick of wood.

Come on, I mean, try and look festive. If they look good, we can use them for

our Christmas cards.

Give Mommy the film. No, no, no.

Mommy, the kid. No, you can't have it.

I've got at least seven left and five are of Kitty.

Flying from the main house to the garage like...

Put

on those shoes. We're going to go out and get a paper and just... Oh, honey,

so excited. I can imagine going over there and going, Honey, can you see the

clouds?

I don't know quite how to put this.

It's not as though I don't appreciate the thought, but this just isn't my

Well, I know, Min, but I'm tired of your taste.

You know, this all was a very sweet gesture, but I think we should take this

stuff back.

Min, I don't believe you.

Oh, Min, are you telling me that you would rather wear this schmata than you

want to accept my present?

Sweetheart, I know what I'm saying is hard to explain.

love each other too much to live under false pretenses, then I feel a lot

just telling you the truth.

Oh, I'm glad you feel better.

Oh, you prefer that I lie?

Absolutely.

Well, is that how you want our marriage to be? I mean, never knowing what the

other person is really thinking?

Couldn't you just wait a couple of months and then instead you ruined it in

Greek pig contest?

First of all, I probably wouldn't have thought of that.

Secondly, you're the only person I can really be talking to.

I understand now, Minden.

Since you're being totally honest, sit down, please.

I have to tell you something.

You have the dress on backwards.

Sir, honesty is only one small link in the emotional chain which forges our

relationship and allows these two life forms from two entirely different

environments. Let's go, Mark.

I'm on the water diet. I can't stay in one place too long.

Of course, you're a theater in the round, Chip.

We'll skip right over if there's noise in the middle of the night. Who goes and

looks? And go straight to the next topic, respect.

Well, I thought Aunt Eunice was very coherent for someone telling anecdotes

under sedation.

I still don't understand why a 73 -year -old woman would want a nose job.

Well, Fred.

I don't know.

Maybe she got tired of having Cub Scouts asking her if they could hold meetings

in it.

Okay, come on, honey. We have dinner reservations.

Okay. But this time, you handle Mirth if they run out of cheesecake.

Mark, Mirth, come on. We're ready to leave for dinner.

laid out for us. Oh, it's our sacred, most sacred foliage festival.

Oh, yes. The most sacred holiday in all of Oregon.

Are we going or not? These coupons expire at eight.

Why don't you two go and have a good time? I'll stay here and mulch the boys.

Okay, we'll see you later, honey.

I can pick up a newspaper on the way.

Well, at least if she's reading, she won't be slipping her telephone number

the wine steward.

Mia, how could you ridicule my religion in front of your family? I have never,

ever been so humiliated.

I'm sorry.

It's just that looking at you two gives me this incredible urge for spinach

salad.

I hope you're kidding about that, Mommy.

Our heritage is no joke.

Our roots are one thing, our leaves are another.

That's right, man. I mean, I honor your religious holidays. I even fasted on Yom

Kippur until I found out that you weren't Jewish.

I'm sorry. You're right. I should have more respect.

I think so. That's why you're joining in our ceremony.

No, no, no. Oh, wait. You two don't need me. I mean, I can't even get an avocado

pit to sprout.

Join with us now. Join with us.

Ready, son? Sacred dance.

Hold it.

Some of the greatest hokey -pokies have been written by the greatest masters of

art.

We'll have to go on without your mother, son. She's an unbeliever.

But we will carry on the Fernfest without her.

Okay. I read now from the sacred book of Fern.

The non -believers will believe.

I will now believe.

And yet you know.

seen the foliage will believe let us leave to look for a firm one but then

this same brutal sun beat down upon the land and made the little tiny plants

with dirt and I oh no like a Tennessee Williams plant is so hot

I never knew I never knew but one tiny plant did survive and we know it fought

off the bugs it tried and the heat and the terrible terrible calamities around

it is a not true son Well, I hope to tell you at eight.

Min, are you snickering at us?

No. No, my lips had a little jump.

A little jump?

You're mocking us, aren't you, Min? I'm not.

I'm not. I just... I was appreciating your ceremony.

I should hope so. I am.

A bush is a terrible thing to waste.

But then, a miracle did appear.

And from the heavens poured forth great torrents of rain.

Or maybe tons of rain. Who knew?

Mia, could you help us with this, please? Would you spray, please? Just

this. It won't hurt you to do that, please.

Okay. You become the rain.

Ready, son?

Yes.

Hit me about here.

Behold!

all over the planet and orchid brides will no longer have to throw rocks at

bouquets.

Son, don't do that. You'll deflower yourself.

No, son, I think this has given your mother a new appreciation of our

Mort? Sir? Need I remind you your promotion is riding on this report?

Oh, I'd rather you didn't, sir.

You see, sir, the next ingredient is often the primary motivation for

in the first place.

Her family has money?

No, I'm talking about romance.

In too many marriages, sir, the flame of romance flickers and dies.

But ours burns hotter than an aluminum bench in Cairo.

Scott, Mark, you're lying.

Sure. What gives you the absurd idea that I'd have to exaggerate about my

life? You always lie in black and white.

No, sir, come on. Now, there's certain things between a husband and wife that

should remain private. Unless, of course, you're Mr. and Mrs. Eric

Well, this has been very educational, Mark.

I'll get back to you on your promotion.

Oh, but, sir, you can't walk out now before the grand finale.

Compatibility. According to Webster's, a noun. State of existing together in

harmony. See Mindy, Mark, and...

too much TV. Why don't you read a magazine instead?

Oh, yeah, you're right, Min. I should catch up on my current events.

We have a new TV guide.

Let's see. We've got new woman, working woman, woman's work, woman's life, life

as a woman, and lady beautiful.

Do you have anything without Brooke Shields on the cover?

Oh, thank you.

Look at this, Min.

Aphrodisiacs on a budget.

Oh, Min, here's one of those compatibility tests. You want to take

Okay. All right. No cheating.

Oh, I promise, I promise.

Okay. Let's see here.

First question.

Is your spouse as affectionate now as when you first married?

Min?

Second question.

When you're having an argument, who gives in first, you or your spouse?

That's easy, me.

Wait a minute.

You know the first one to give in is always me.

Yeah, but you always have the final word. Remember the last time we argued?

fell asleep.

Oh, you just finished my sentence. I rest my case.

Let's not argue about our arguments. Just put me down as the one who gives

No, it's me.

It is not. It's me.

Me.

You know it's me.

All right, I give in. It's you.

Oh, no, you don't.

You're just trying to make me look bad.

No, no, I'm just letting you win like I always do.

for being so childish about this. Oh, you think the magazine can hear you give

in?

Oh, okay.

Okay, I'll put you.

Cheater.

Look, let us forget this test and go to sleep. Oh, okay. Fine, fine, fine, fine,

fine. Follow me.

Me.

That's it. You know, I really hate it when you act like this.

Oh? Yeah. Oh, really?

You know what I hate?

I hate it when you gargle and you don't make any noise. It's like... Yeah?

Yeah. Well, nothing annoys me more than when you go through a salad bar without

using a plate.

Oh, you know what I mean?

Oh, really?

You know what annoys me?

When you get out of bed at night and you put on those silly little ballet

slippers. What are you going up for? Milk and cookies with Martha Graham?

foot in this house since you opened your home for battered lizards.

They're the only ones that'll eat your dip. My dip?

Besides, I cleaned that bathroom, but nothing can be clean enough for you

because you are neurotically neat. You are. I mean, you even wash yourself

before you wash your hands. Oh, that's ridiculous.

Oh, really ridiculous? Okay, a little test right now.

This is supposed to bother me, right?

We'll see.

Oh, this is ridiculous.

I might disappear.

didn't flush it. Believe me, I wanted to, though. Oh, man, that's what I love

about you.

No matter how mad you get, you never do anything to hurt me.

Well, I flushed your Batman toothbrush instead.

That's all right. His little bat wings are worn off anyway.

Aren't we silly?

I love you, Pooter.

No, I love you, too.

Well...

I

love you.

Who could possibly be as happy as we are?

Always good at making up.

And so you see, sir, these are the elements which help to make our marriage

successful. That and the fact that Mindy doesn't have a mother -in -law who

says, can't Mork live at home and you two just date.

Why, Father Mork, it all seems like such a hassle.

Oh, sometimes it is, sir. The work is hard, the hours are long, but every time

look at Mindy, I see warmth, I see love.

I see someone who makes me feel like I matter in this vast, lonely universe.

That was very touching.

Thank you, Mork. Oh, sir.

The grades will be posted on the bulletin board.

Oh, no, sir, I can't wait. I have to know, did I cut the mustard or do I get

promotion? In hot... Yep, we did.

Mark for Mark, by the power vested in me through the Grand Council and the

Jaycees, I hereby grant you your stripes.

Sir, sir, a master sergeant? You could knock me over with an anorexic. Thank

you. You've earned it, Mark.

Azar and Nanu. Oh, Nanu, sir.

Come on, fella.

Come on, fella.

I can't wait to take you home and sew you on my uniform. Come on.