Original subtitles

Who can turn the world on with her smile?

Who can take a nothing day and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?

Well, it's you, girl, and you should know it.

With each glance and every little movement you show it, love is all

need to waste it. You can never tell, why don't you take it?

You're gonna make it after all.

You're gonna make it after all.

Gosh, guys, this is just swell, but honestly, I didn't even want my birthday

mentioned at all.

So how come you circulated that sheet of paper with all your sizes on it?

Well, I lost some weight since Christmas.

Miss? Miss?

I see people eating, so there must be some way to get food.

We could bang our spoons on the table.

Miss, are you our waitress?

Uh -huh.

Well, I'd like to... I'll be right with you.

Be nice if she could have stayed a minute.

Miss?

We'd like to order. Oh, sure.

What are you going to have? Well, as I said, I'll start with a martini. What

goes good with a martini?

What do you have that's good today?

Well, we've had a lot of compliments on the Hungarian goulash. Oh.

That's probably why we're out of it.

Well, what do you still have?

Swiss steak.

Okay, I'll have the Swiss steak.

Swiss steak.

Check. I guess I'll have the Swiss steak, too. We're out of it.

Ted, it's your birthday.

You have the Swiss steak, and I will have a salad. Yes, the vegetable salad.

Veg, salad, check.

You? I can't be rushed.

I can't be rushed.

I decided on a steak. A sirloin steak with baked potatoes, sour cream and

chives, and lots of butter. Yeah, and garlic toast.

And a martini.

sandwiches. I just panicked.

Excuse me just a minute.

Miss, we're having sort of a birthday lunch over at our table, and I was

wondering if you could bring us a piece of cake for dessert as a surprise. Oh,

sure. Which one is it? The gray -haired guy, the fat guy, or the bald guy?

The gray -haired guy.

Oh, and could you put a little candle on it, too? A candle? Yeah. Thank you.

Hey, you know, we don't even have any water at this table.

We don't even have any martini at this table.

Happy birthday, Ted.

Hey, I'll bet it's a book.

Hey, it is a book.

Dick and Jane Visit a Farm.

If you turn to the last page, the whole barnyard pops up.

We better get our food pretty soon so we can get back to the office for those

secretary interviews.

Well, we have until, ah, two o 'clock. Wow. You know, I'm glad we're talking

business and there's something for my birthday has been dropped.

When we get that new secretary, it'll take some of the pressure off you and

can... I guess birthdays are important to some people, but I always prefer that

mine not be mentioned.

Okay, yours was a veggie soup? Oh, no, I ordered the salad, the veg salad.

Oh, you did? Well, just a minute. All right, and there's yours.

Miss, what's this?

I don't know, but it sure does smell good, doesn't it?

Okay, there's yours.

What's that?

Well, that's a diet special you ordered.

Miss, that's been a mistake.

Well, anything I get will be better than liverwurst. Liverwurst.

In my order, she had to get right.

Miss, I would never order a hamburger patty. and cottage cheese.

I hate cottage cheese.

I don't even like to get this close to cottage cheese.

I don't even like to say cottage cheese.

Well, okay, if you want me to take it back, I will, but I'm warning you, the

chef is already in a snit and he's not going to like it. Well, I don't care if

he likes it or not. Mr. Grant, look, why don't you just eat the peach and the

patty part and then I'll get you something else later this afternoon.

Okay?

All right. Oh, good.

Yes, you can forget the martini. Oh, martini, right, coming right up. Ah.

Miss.

Miss.

Now we can't even get the check. Maybe they'll never let us out.

I'm sorry I made the reservations in this place, but somebody told me it was

good. I did, but I didn't have this waitress. Well, who's for coffee? You're

late. We'd like the check. Oh, sure.

Well, it's got to be here somewhere. I don't know where it is.

Miss. Miss.

What cake?

Oh, the cake for the gray -haired guy.

Oh, gee, guys.

You should have known.

Well, I'm sorry. I just ate the last piece.

But how about a nice bear claw?

Uh, no, no. Forget it, please. All right. Sorry, kid.

Thank you very much. It's been a pleasure serving you.

Boy, I will never come back to this place.

That's the kind of waitress doesn't get a tip. And she knows it.

Did you see how friendly she acted when she brought the check? She should tip

us. She's the worst waitress I've ever had. Well, how was everything?

Oh, just fine. Oh, thank you very much.

Do you mind? We really need this table.

Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.

Mary, you shouldn't do that.

No, Mr. Grant, but I just couldn't. If you encourage her by saying just fine

leaving her a tip... She's going to do this to everyone. Oh, here's your

martini. Forget it. I'm not paying for it. Forget it. You already did.

I wonder how she got it hot.

Is everything all right, miss?

Well, to tell you the truth...

Oh, yes, we've had quite a few complaints about her.

Please, all of you, come back again tomorrow as my guests. I assure you,

will be different.

Listen, she wasn't really all that bad, you know. I mean, I wouldn't want to

say... Oh, no, no, no, no, don't worry. She'll never know it was you.

So long.

See you again sometime.

Yeah, again.

Okay, yours was...

Do you know the secret to making a really great Caesar salad?

Huh? Do you? No. What?

Well, if I told you, it wouldn't be a secret anymore, right?

But I'll give you a hint, Mayor.

It has to do with the anchovies.

Oh. What do you do with them? I leave them out.

Boy,

you're a lot of fun tonight, Mayor.

Oh, I'm sorry, Rhoda. It's just that I had a waitress fired today.

Yeah? Well, I didn't try.

fired. Well,

the service was terrible, and I complained, and I know they fired her.

could do that, Mary Richards.

I complained in a restaurant once, and they threw me out.

I just feel so responsible.

I mean, some poor girl is out of work because of me.

Well, what are you going to do? Try and find her another job?

Yeah, if I could, I would.

Hey, Mary, don't worry about it, kid.

If that waitress is bad enough to make you complain, then it's nothing to feel

guilty about.

I guess you're right. Sure.

She'll find herself another job somewhere.

Yeah. Of course she will. She'll work there, happily, till some fink like you

has a fire to get it.

I'm awfully sorry I can't give you any references, but you see, my last job was

in England.

Oh, I just love your accent, Doreen.

Thank you.

I love yours, too.

Really? I didn't know I had any. Oh, yes, it's quite heavy, actually.

Mrs. Fulton.

We'll be in touch.

Excuse me, Doreen.

Yes, sir?

Mary, I guess I'm what you'd call a male chauvinist pig.

She wasn't right.

I'm glad we're communicating.

What was wrong with her?

Well, for one thing, when she walked out of here, I didn't watch her.

caboose whatsoever.

Well, if that is the case, Mr. Grant, why have I been wasting my time for the

last two days screening them for skills? I mean, why don't I just march them in

here in bathing suits?

How many more applicants are there? Two.

The first is Doreen Skinner. Her skills are excellent and she seems to measure

up caboose -wise.

Exactly. Uh, this isn't the time to go into that. Exactly.

Hello.

Uh, if you'd like to come over here, I'd be happy to go over that with you.

Thank you.

Randy Wilner. Yes, hello.

Hello. It says there I'm a waitress, but I quit the job because I didn't like

it. I'm really a secretary.

and I only took the waitress job because there wasn't anything else available at

the time.

Hey, you look familiar. Did you ever eat at the wine barrel inn?

Maybe once, I don't know. Where did you last work as a secretary?

Oh, golly, I've had so many jobs, I wouldn't know where to start.

Just haven't found your niche yet.

I see you're divorced. Yes.

Any dependents?

Oh, yes, you have a child. Yes, Tina. She was three last month.

Oh.

And I see you don't take shorthand, but you do speed riding.

Yes, that's right. Did you see how fast I filled in that form? Yes.

Oh, and you type, too.

Yes, but not fluently.

Well, you know, speed isn't all that important, really. It's more a matter of

accuracy.

Well, bye -bye, Mr. Brand.

See you again soon.

Kill her.

Mary.

I like that girl.

You know, it'd be sort of fun having that cute little accent around here.

Well, Mr. Grant, there is one other girl. I really think you ought to see

The what?

She came all this way. She has the necessary skills.

Oh.

Yeah, she looks capable, too.

I'm really tired of all this. Either this one or that one. It doesn't make

difference to me. You decide.

Oh, Mr.

Grant. No, I shouldn't be the one to have to decide.

Mary, I just made a decision.

You decide.

me to pick one of the girls for the secretarial job.

Doreen, who you don't know, or Randy, who I told you all about.

It's easy.

Pick Doreen.

But you don't even know Doreen.

Yeah, but you told me all about that Randy.

She's a loser.

Oh, I don't know.

Oh, I know.

It's Gloria Metzger all over again.

Who?

Gloria Metzger, this girl I went all through high school with.

What a feeb.

A what?

A loser. A feeb. Oh.

None of them liked her. Then after high school, I got her a job.

She was fired the third day. She even married a loser.

Wait, maybe she's not such a loser.

Listen, Rhoda, you can't judge the whole world by one deep friend of yours.

Anyway, Randy is not a loser.

She's a nice girl.

She's okay.

You know, a little bewildered. Maybe needs a little help. Pick Doreen.

Rhoda, Randy has a three -year -old little girl.

an obligation to find her a job?

You already hired her. Yes.

Phoebe! I know.

Gee, I'm sorry I'm taking so long, but these figures are murder. Oh, well,

worry about it. Everybody has trouble with figures.

Not WKM. We're WJM. And listen... Maggie, are you free to take a letter?

sure thing.

Right away.

You know, secretarial school always taught me to bring two pencils just in

one broke.

Do you happen to have two pencils?

Yeah, sure.

Here you go.

Oh, good. They're sharp.

You know, I've heard that voice before.

Think liverwurst sandwich.

have to type the whole thing over.

You looking for someone, Ted, or something?

No, just hanging around, that's all.

Anything the matter with hanging around?

No, Ted, I love it when you hang around. I just hate it when you hang around

here.

I'd like it as soon as possible, okay?

Right away, Mr. Graham.

Ted, what are you doing?

Just hanging around, that's all.

Love it when you hang around.

Just hate it when you do it around here.

Just leave him, Lou.

Hi, there.

Hi.

Oh, Mary.

What? I can't make head or tails out of this.

Neither can I.

Well, he rattled me. Mr. Graham talks so fast.

You mean Mr. Grant.

Convention in San Francisco.

The Affiliates Convention in San Francisco.

Yeah, that's it.

I tell you what, I don't have to go to lunch. Why don't I dictate the letter to

you then?

Oh, thanks, Mary.

Say, Randy, have a little lunch.

Oh, I'd love to.

Well, maybe we could work on that letter after lunch, huh, Mary? Oh, Randy, no,

I really think that we ought to get on.

Lunch, liverwurst, Ted.

Now I know where I know Randy from.

Mary, what is she doing here?

Not much.

I think this is the tape you were looking for, but I'm not sure.

That's film.

Randy, listen, I have been looking for the Valley Spring Project folder. I've

looked under... V, I've looked under S, I've even looked under P, and I don't

seem to be able to find it. Well, it's right where it belongs, under T.

The Valley Spring Project.

No, Randy, it's Valley Spring Project, comma, V.

I never could understand that. I mean, it seems so silly.

Well, listen, are you telling me that you filed everything beginning with the

word V under T?

Well...

Randy, he must have said regarding my letter.

And why are you still doing typeovers and crossouts?

Oh, you can tell, huh? I didn't think you'd be able to see them.

Listen, Randy, I think we better have a little talk.

Randy, I meant in there.

I'm going to be honest with you. Your work has been just terrible, and you

seem to care, you know? I mean, I think if it weren't for the fact that I have

been covering for you, you would have been fired the first day.

Are you jealous because I went out to lunch with Ted?

Randy, look, I didn't think I would ever have to tell you this, but I hired you

because I am the one who got you fired from the restaurant, and I felt just

terrible about it.

the one, huh?

Aren't you upset?

Heck no.

That job was beginning to be a grind.

Well, listen, Randy, here's the point. The point is, I don't want to get you

fired again, you know? I mean, I'll do anything I can to help. I'll come in

early. I'll stay at lunch hours. I mean, I'll even work late if it'll help.

Oh, gee, thanks, Mary.

Okay, so what do you say we get started tonight, huh?

Oh, you mean you want me to stay and work late, too?

This explains the rather deserted look out there. We were just getting back to

work.

Randy, I need some more memo pads. Would you get me a cup of coffee?

Right. And will there be anything else? And would you like your coffee now?

I have this feeling that I know you from someplace.

Well, that's probably because I've been working here.

You're doing just great.

Thanks.

Hey, he thinks I'm doing just great.

I mean, why should I stay late and work with you and knock myself out?

Okay. Okay, Randy, that's it. I'm not covering for you anymore, okay? You're

your own. Well, I never asked you to do that anyway, did I, Mary?

The kid's doing a good job.

What do you say we give her a little raise, say $5 a week?

No, no, no. Mr. Grant, listen, I made a terrible mistake in hiring Randy. I

mean, she has been doing her job just rotten.

I have been covering for her. I've been doing her job and my job, and I think

that a raise for her would be very unfair to me.

you give her a raise, you'll still be making a lot more money than she does.

Doesn't that make you feel better?

No.

Oh,

thank you, Randy.

Oh, and you remembered I drink in black.

You see, since I got her fired from the restaurant, I... The restaurant?

That's where I know her from.

You didn't tell her about the raise yet, did you?

No. Oh, good.

It's embarrassing to have to fire someone on the same day that you gave

raise.

You want me to tell her?

Yeah. You tell her to come...

Mr. Grant, maybe if I worked with her a little longer... See? Those are the

words of a bad fireman. Right.

Mary, get me Frank Peterson over at KRDA. I've got to talk to him right this

second. Yes, sir.

That knife not having any help makes my job so much easier.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

It's like my job would be if I lost Ted.

Mr. Peterson's office, please.

Hello, is Mr. Peterson in? Lou Grant calling.

Randy? Is that you?

Well, I'm so pleased that you got another job in such a hurry.

Oh, no, listen, don't be silly. You know, what did it take to write a letter

recommendation?

Well, listen, is he in for Mr. Grant?

Just put me on hold.

It's the little red button.

Just press that in.

Yeah, but don't press the one next to it. Otherwise, you'll cut me.

Hello?

Feeb!

Feeb? What's that?

Feeb.

Feeble.

A dum -dum.

Ineffectual.

There's a word to phoebe. The verb.

To phoebe. Or to be phoebed upon.

The adjective phoebe or phoebish.

There's a phoebe city, phoebe time, head phoebe. You mean like Ted Baxter.

Super phoebe.