Original subtitles

Who can turn the world on with her smile?

Who can take a nothing day and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?

Well, it's you, girl, and you should know it.

With each glance and every little movement you show it, love is all

need to waste it. You can never tell, why don't you take it?

You're gonna make it after all.

You're gonna make it after all.

slept again.

That's okay. Breakfast is just about ready.

Oh, don't look at me. I don't have any makeup on yet.

Now, that's what you're supposed to say.

Oh, Rhoda, you look sensational without makeup.

Have some juice.

Right.

Hiya.

I'm Rhoda. Good morning. Would you like some scrambled eggs?

Uh, just some coffee, thanks. I had to drive best to school.

Don't you think you put a teeny bit too much makeup under your eyes?

Hey, Mary, I watched that documentary you did last night.

Oh, yeah, so did I.

Hey, you both caught it. Caught it? Do you seriously think I'm about to miss

show entitled, What's Your Sexual IQ?

Well, what did anybody think?

I thought it was informative, enlightening, and mature.

Yeah.

do that show in the first place. You didn't. Now, it was the station

idea to do something controversial, so we did it, and he said it was too

controversial. So we ended up doing this non -controversial controversy show.

Well, I gotta admit, I switched to another channel, but I got a terrific

show. They had on the woman who wrote The Sensuous Woman and the man who wrote

The Sensuous Man.

Unfortunately, I never did get to see the end of the show. They left together

during a commercial.

Mary's show and we found it very well done.

Especially Bess.

Bess watched What's Your Sexual IQ? Phyllis, isn't she a little young? Well,

Lars and I never censor what our little Bess watches on television.

Of course, we always have on some documentary or special affairs program

such. Oh, this is true.

I dropped by Phyllis's one day and there she was sitting watching a stimulating

educational program.

It involved this group of well -informed ladies guessing if there was a home

freezer hidden behind a curtain.

No, I do not recall the occasion.

I'll have to ask someone, possibly my husband, a man.

I'm sorry, I just couldn't. Oh, well, no, that's okay, sweetie.

I tried, but Daddy's snoring kept making me sleepy.

Good kid, good kid.

Well, we'll talk to you later.

Come on. Hey, Rhoda, we better get a move on or I'm going to drop you off at

work. Well, I'll put my face on in the car.

Oh, Rhoda, you're not going to pull that tricky adjusting the rearview mirror

thing on me again, are you? You think you have it bad. You should hear the

driver yell when I do it on the bus.

me about that show last night. What?

It was that part where you had to, you know, add up your score, your sexual IQ.

Don't spread it around, but I got a 47.

Rhoda, are you serious? Come on, it's just a silly, gimmicky little test.

Who cares if you didn't pass it?

I know I certainly don't care that I got a 90.

Wait a minute, Mary.

Wait a minute. You wrote up those questions. You should have got a

I wear flannel pajamas.

So why don't I? I've still got a 47.

Well, how do you like that? I flunked the sexual IQ test, passed the national

driver's test, and Mary, I'm a lousy driver.

Yes.

Yes. Well...

You want me to take the calls for a while? Oh, Gordy, would you? Sure.

Did I ring?

No, no, Mr. It's just that it's crazy out there this morning and I just need

take a break.

It's the price I must pay for being such a sweetheart.

Let's make yourself right at home. Can I perhaps get you a cup of coffee? No,

Mr. Grant. I'll just be getting back now.

Hey.

I thought our show was pretty good last night.

Oh, well, thank you, Mr. Grant. Because I got an 88 on it.

That's a very good score.

I would have gotten a 100, but I wear a flannel nightshirt.

Caught your show last night.

Where'd you do your research?

You know what I mean about when I said where'd you do your research? Yes, yes,

did, Ted. I got what you mean. Oh, yes.

She didn't get what I mean.

You get what I mean? Ted, everybody in the room got what you mean.

Everybody in the United States of America got what you mean. And everybody

thinks it's stupid.

Everybody.

Yeah, this is Miss Richard speaking.

Uh -huh.

Uh -huh.

Uh -huh.

Yeah, hold on a second, will you?

Hello?

Uh -huh. Yeah, hang on.

Hey, look, man, I got another off -scene caller.

Let me call you back.

I tell you, Mary, these off -scene callers aren't as patient as they used

Mary, when you finish that, will you please call sales and find out which

commercial spots we still have open for tonight? Yes, sir.

Lou, I want to know why you didn't use me on that documentary last night.

We can talk about that later in my office, Ted. No, no, Lou. I want to talk

about it right here and now.

Right here and now? Right here and now, Lord.

You want me to tell you, right here and now, in front of everyone in this room,

people you work with day in and day out, why I didn't want to use you on that

show last night?

No, I don't.

Well, I guess Lou Grant was in charge of last night's show.

Lou? Yeah.

Thanks, Commander.

Hello? This is Lou Grant speaking. Yeah, what can I do for you?

Hey, lady, it's really no business of mine with you and your husband.

Look, I don't know.

Maybe if you had a couple of drinks.

Just a minute. Mary, you want to take this?

Lady, I want to wish you all the luck in the world.

Sales, please.

A documentary on football. That I can't get.

Ah, Peggy Ann, it's Mary. Can you tell me how many spots we have open on the

show tonight?

Three, huh?

Thank you.

Oh, really, did you?

A hundred, huh?

That's terrific.

Bye -bye.

Peggy Ann and sales.

Couldn't wait to tell me she got 100 % on the test last night.

100? 100.

Say, Murray, if anyone asks for me, I'll be gone for a little while. I think

I'll mosey up to sales and buy something.

I wonder what they sell up there.

if I change the subject for just a second? Oh, boy, Phil, I would love it.

about the show last night.

Phil. Well, actually, I wouldn't have thought about it had it not been for the

show. Oh, this is so hard to talk about.

Oh, no, they've gotten my home number, too?

No, go away.

I'll get it.

Hello?

Oh.

You're right. It is an obscene call. Oh.

It's Rhoda.

Hi.

Yeah, come on down if you want. Bye.

Honestly, Phyllis, the two of you are... Oh, Mary.

We really like each other. We really do.

Except as people.

Anyhow, about this other thing. The problem is... Beth.

Beth? Well, she's growing up now.

Mary, I can barely look at you in the eye when I say this.

What I want to say is I cannot bring myself to

tell Bessie...

Very complicated.

Oh, you want me to leave? I'll leave.

So go on.

The insensitivity boggles the mind.

Bill, why don't you give Beth a book on the subject?

A book for what? Oh, teach Beth the facts of life.

Are you satisfied?

Bill, really, they have a whole bunch of books on the subject.

Fertilization, birds, bees, flowers, you know, that kind of stuff.

No, bad idea.

One. My parents gave me a whole bunch of those books, you know, on nature and

stuff, when I was a kid.

And it just confused me.

I sort of ended up thinking I had to swim up the Columbia River.

So, uh, how did you finally learn?

Oh.

bring yourself to tell Bess, why don't you have Lars do it? Lars? Well, he's a

doctor. Oh, no, no.

He'd probably just fall asleep.

Mary, I was thinking, you did a documentary on the whole thing.

Oh, and you want me to tell her?

Oh, Phil, no, I don't think so. Oh, why not?

Well, it's not my place. Mary, I don't want her to learn about it on the

I could tell her.

needs to know quite that much.

Oh,

Phil. Oh, please.

All right, I'll tell her. Thank you, Mary. I just hope I tell her the right

Oh, don't worry about it. It's really easy. Well, then why don't you do it?

Because handled incorrectly, it could affect my little Beth for the rest of

life.

Right, in the morning when it's open and honest and in the shadowless sunlight.

Eight o 'clock?

Phil, could we make it a little less open and honest? I like to sleep late on

Saturday. How about ten?

Fine, I'll see you there.

What?

Oh, Phil, I don't think it makes any difference what Bess wears.

I'll see you Saturday. Goodbye.

Honestly, she's starting to get me so uptight about this whole thing.

You know, Mary, about...

You could always not tell her.

Not tell her?

Yeah, well, you gotta figure. If they haven't shown them on Sesame Street, it

may not be worth knowing.

Hey, yes, Ted Baxter here.

I'd like to send a rose.

No, miss, not roses. A rose.

A single rose.

Miss Peggy Ann Watterson, sales department.

Say, Mary, got any more of those 8x10 glossies of mine laying around?

Yes, I do.

You want the front shot or the profile?

Give me the composite.

What the heck?

Can I stamp your autograph on it?

No, this is for somebody special.

I'll do it myself.

Mary, wouldn't you think a parent could tell her own child the facts of life?

I never thought I would have to do it until it was my child.

Oh, Mary, don't... Where were you? It's really nothing.

Yeah, he's right. It's no big deal. Like with us and our kid. Now, we decided to

tell him early, you know, before he got any wrong ideas.

So we just set him down and told him straightforwardly and factually, and

was that.

What'd he say?

He said he'd rather have a horsey.

Maybe we told him too early.

Just out of morbid curiosity, because I happen to have a bizarre sense of humor,

how did you first hear about it?

Hear about what, Murray?

About sex.

Well, I don't understand.

Does this have anything to do with my date last night?

No, no, he means how did you first find out about it? Oh, well, I read a book.

Told me everything I needed to know.

God's Little Acre.

There seems to be a lot of conversation in this room.

But I don't hear any typing going on out here.

Can I hear a little typing, please?

Sorry, Mr. Dan, it's my fault.

Oh, that's too bad. I was hoping it was his fault.

It wasn't my fault. No, it wasn't my fault.

So, what's the subject?

The facts of life and how to tell somebody.

Is this some date of yours? I could... No, Mr. Grant.

It's not me.

Because I figured you know about that. I do. I know.

It's a little girl that I know.

Mr. Grant, you've got three daughters.

How'd you handle it?

Easiest thing in the world. Most natural thing I ever did.

What'd you say?

Well, I simply gathered the family around me.

And I said, kids, your mother's going to tell you all about sex now.

23rd. October 23rd.

The day my little best discovers the meaning of being a woman.

October 23rd. No, wait, I think it's the 24th.

October 23rd. Or 4th.

The day my little best discovers the meaning of being a woman.

I think I'm going to cry.

Oh, I'm so embarrassed.

Oh, well, Phil, don't be embarrassed.

If you want to cry, would you just go right ahead and cry?

Oh, Mary, thank you.

to cry.

Just there for you to do if you care to.

Mary, be frank.

Do you think I'm copping out, not telling Bess myself?

Yes. But, Phil, if you can't tell her, then you just can't tell her.

Good morning, Jean.

Is everybody got their birds and bees sweatshirts on today?

I'm not going to say anything.

I'm just auditing this course.

Hiya, Mary.

Hi, Beth.

Well, it's October 23rd.

Or 4th.

The day I go shopping.

Bye, Phyllis. Goodbye, Beth.

on Saturday morning? You know, non -educational ones that Phyllis kills me

watch. Oh, yeah.

On Saturday morning, they have that terrific Dr.

Slime. Oh, they canceled Dr. Slime. Oh, no. You're kidding.

They canceled the doc?

Mary, get me a crayon. I'm writing that sponsor.

Listen, um, Bess, maybe later on we could watch some TV. Right.

Now, there are a couple of things that I wanted to talk to you about.

Okay, sure.

You know, Beth, I was thinking that, boy, you're really at a great age. You

know, it's before you get into the whole world of dating, but after you've

started to look around and notice boys.

Excuse me, Aunt Mary. Yes, ma 'am. Well, I don't want to interrupt you or

anything, but are you leading up to telling me about love and stuff?

Well, yes.

Oh, good.

Well, because I tried asking Phyllis, but you know how she is. Oh, I know,

Joanne. And that's why she asked me to tell you about sex.

Sex? I thought you were going to tell me about love.

I already know all about sex.

You do?

Sure, since last March.

Alice Ann Knott told me while we were ice skating.

First, I didn't believe her, but Stephanie Weitzer backed her up.

So we all talked it over and took a vote on it and voted it was true.

I'm so glad.

For its sake.

Well, are there any questions?

Well, sex I know about.

But the whole thing about love.

Well, that I gotta know.

Because of Howie. The boy I go with, Howie.

He's captain of the 8th grade raiders and the smartest boy in our whole class.

He shaves once a week.

to love him back if you don't feel it.

Well, I kind of feel it, but... What?

Well, everybody says that love and sex go together, right?

Well, yes.

So if you love somebody...

Think about that for a while.

No, darling, you are allowed to love someone and not even be concerned about

other thing.

Really? Sure. Just look at any couple who's been married ten years.

Oh, Aunt Mary, I'm so glad because he really is nice and it'll be so nice to

able to love him back.

Aunt Mary?

Yes, darling?

Can I watch TV now?

Yes, you may.

I mean, great, great.

Inspired even. Thank you. And there was really some good thoughts in there.

Yeah? Yeah, separating sex and love.

I don't know what you did for the kid, but I think you just changed my life.

Oh, good.

Oh, I think I'll go tell her myself now. Bill!

She already knows.

Oh, I know, but now that the ice has been broken, I think it would be a nice

memory for her to hear it from her very own mother.

Whatever you think is best.

I know exactly what I'm going to say.

I'm going to make it sound beautiful and spiritual and ethereal.

I'll make it sound...