Original subtitles

How will you make it on your own?

This world is awfully big.

Girl, this time you're all alone.

But it's time you started living.

It's time you let someone else do some giving.

Love is all around, no need to waste it. You can have it down, why don't you

take it?

You might just make it after long.

You might just make it after long.

and tomorrow the weather will be clear.

And now to top off this edition of the 6 o 'clock news.

My story.

A lady in Philadelphia lost her dog.

She went to the pound and found it. Once she got home, she found she had the

wrong dog.

The woman who didn't know one dog from another was a vegetarian.

Veterinarian!

There's probably somebody calling to ask us to explain what Ted just said.

Newsroom.

Hi, Rhoda. Listen, I'm sorry I'm late. I got hung up here.

Did you think of a movie for us to see?

No, don't pick me up. I want to come home first.

Yeah, I'll try to think of a movie. Bye -bye.

Go see the new John Wayne picture.

Is it good? They're all good. I never miss a one.

Why is that, Lou? Do you identify with John Wayne?

That's it.

Wayne gets teed off at somebody, he hits up or shoots up.

I get teed off at somebody, all I can do is write a memo.

Like this one.

Say,

Mary, you want to see a good movie? See Son of Flubber. You can't go wrong with

a Disney movie. You know what my favorite Disney movie is? Snow White?

Right.

Hey, who can name all seven dwarfs? I can.

Lou, how about you?

Mer, how about you? Lou, you want to grab a hamburger?

No. I don't eat meat.

I'm a veterinarian.

Roto, what are you doing here? I got tired of waiting up in my place, so I

down here. Listen, I'm sorry I'm late.

What's the matter with your leg? This is the lotus position.

A yoga exercise.

It helps the person achieve an inner peace.

It'll just take me a minute to change.

up when you're in the lotus position?

Only fanatics use both legs.

movies, or she'll want to come along, and you'll let her.

You know, she sounded kind of frantic.

Sure, she's frantic. We might go to a movie without her. Oh.

Hi, Phyllis.

Something's come up, and I wondered if you could take care of Bess for a few

days. Oh, what is it? Oh, well, it's Lars, Mary. He's contracted a case of

varicella from one of his patients.

Varicella? Yes. What's that?

Lars is in the incubation period, and I'm immune.

Are you sure that Bess wants to stay with me? I mean, you know, she's not

exactly crazy about me. Mary, it's time Bess found out that life is no bed of

roses.

Hi.

Bess will be up in a second.

These are the books.

The books?

Yeah, on creative child rearing.

I know some people find it amusing that I... insist on raising Beth from these,

but the men and women who wrote them are experts, and the people who laugh

aren't.

Besides, Beth thinks these books show a lot of insight.

Beth has read these?

Yes, why, does that surprise you?

Well, yeah, I mean, she's just a little girl.

Wrong, she's just a little girl.

Chapter six, the adult who says of a child she's just a little girl is

showing her ignorance.

so I think I ought to prepare you for something. Oh, what?

Well, it's just something she does when she's angry. I just ignore it. I wish

you would, too. Well, what?

Oh, Mother's coming, Bess. No, no, no. Mother is not coming until Mary finds

what it is that Bess does.

She wears my wig and makeup.

Mary will be doing the very best she can, Bess, and we can't expect too

much of her.

Remember... Mother and father love their Beth.

And Mary likes her.

Well, here we are.

Uh, have you had dinner?

Yes, Phyllis burned it. Oh, I'm sorry.

Why? You didn't burn it.

Well, no, but it's just that, you know, when you try to fix something and then

it doesn't turn out right, it's kind of disappointing.

Well, it doesn't bother Phyllis.

Do you always call your mother Phyllis?

It's her name.

Yeah, I know, but when I was a little girl, when I was a young person, I was

called my mother Mother. I still do.

I mean, I never even think of calling her Marge.

Yeah, I haven't had a chance to really get into them yet. Yeah, well, I think

you ought to. This isn't going particularly well so far, do you know?

No.

Do you like having all that makeup on your face? Yes, do you?

I think it makes you look awful.

milk in it. Oh.

How's everything going so far? Don't answer, don't answer. I know

going great. Where is she?

Well, uh, she's, uh... Locked herself in the bathroom, huh?

Well, yes.

You said something without looking it up in the book first. Is that right? Well,

yes. What did you say?

Uh, well, I told her I thought the makeup looked awful.

And now you're trying to get her out of there. Yes, I am. Phyllis, could you

help me, please? Of course I'm going to help you. Good. Here, chapter eight.

Right of privacy.

Beth,

I respect your right of privacy. I don't mind your locking the door.

Really, I don't.

And I am always eager to participate in a free and open discussion of whatever

it is that's bothering you.

in your washcloth. It's got gunk all over it.

I recognize those quotes right from the books, aren't they?

Uh, yeah, they are.

Hey, uh, what do you say we forget the books and talk about what fun we can

tomorrow?

How about that? I'm not working and you and I can go shopping.

What for?

Nothing. You don't have to buy anything when you shop.

And that's kind of nice because if you know you're not going to buy anything,

then you don't have to wonder whether or not you can afford it.

What can I do for you now, Aunt Mary?

Uh, well, why don't you go get the mail? Okay.

I'll get it.

Hi, Aunt Rhoda. I'm going out to get the mail, but if you haven't had breakfast

yet, set a place for yourself.

Who is that nice, short little person?

That's my roomie.

I can't believe it, Mary. What happened?

Well, you know something? She's really just a nice little...

Just a nice little girl. How?

How what?

Did you do it? I didn't do anything.

Well, all right. Maybe I did.

Hey, Rhoda. Have you ever wondered what kind of mother you'll be? I don't care.

As long as it's not on with.

I've always wondered.

You know what?

I think I'm going to be fantastic.

Roll, don't you think?

I think you threatened her life.

Morning,

all. Hi.

Everything is beautiful.

Guess what?

Lars was in error when he thought he had varicella. Chicken pox.

All he has is roost of versaloba.

Translation, please.

Hoisin oak.

Hi, Phyllis.

Oh, get your things, dear. Mother's here to take you home. I don't want to go

home.

What? I don't want to go home.

Phyllis, she doesn't mean that.

As soon as you get her home, she's going to be... Oh, no, no, no, no. I wouldn't

force her, Mary.

We encourage her independence.

If this is where she wants to be, this is where you want to be, is it, Beth?

But Phyllis... No, no, no, Mary, you don't understand.

If Beth wants this, this is what you want, Beth.

Well, it's obviously her wish to stay here, so is it your wish?

Then this is where she'll stay.

Oh, hi, Mary. Come in, love.

Uh, Phyllis, listen, I just feel awful about this.

About what?

Well, about what Beth said.

I mean, what I think is she meant she just wanted to stay with me for

Oh, no.

She meant she wanted to stay with you forever.

No, Phyllis, I'm sure she didn't. Oh, but she did love your gay and young and

unencumbered, not like me, the old drudge who cooks her meals and mends her

tattered little clothes. Of course she wants to stay with you. No, she doesn't.

But she does, dear, for now.

Maybe in a week or two she'll become bored. Not with you, of course.

Maybe less than a week.

Honestly, Phyllis, I don't know how you can be so calm about this.

I mean, if my daughter... Should you ever be so fortunate as to become a wife

and then mother a child like my Bess, trust me, Mary.

Well, okay, I... But, boy, Phyllis, I really... Trust me.

Oh, Phyllis, I hate to ask this. I mean, I've never had to ask the question. Ask

anything.

Phyllis, I've got a date tonight. Could you babysit?

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. This is Ted Baxter with the 6 o 'clock news.

So far, so good.

It was disclosed today that Deputy Defense Minister Nagayan Banwat...

Banwat... Met last week with Lenal.

Lenal. And a top secret enclave near Phnom Penh. Phnom Penh.

Whatever happened to good old days when they had wars in England?

You find a way to mispronounce London.

Oh, Ted, Mr. Grant asked me to remind you it's Richard Milhouse Nixon, not

Milhorse.

Well, okay, darling, but I tell you, it's a very busy time, so you just sit

here and stay put, huh? Okay. Uh, Ted, this is Bess. Hi, Bess. Hi.

You're the anchorman, aren't you?

Nice child.

Mary, we've got film on a Florida bank robbery. Put another lead on an idiot

card for Ted.

They're called cue cards, Lou.

I don't know why everyone feels compelled to call cue cards idiot cards.

have trouble thinking of you as a cue.

Yeah, I got it. All right.

I have an idea for you while you're waiting. Why don't you draw a picture?

I can't draw anything but flowers.

Well, then draw flowers. I'm so tired of drawing flowers. I've been drawing them

since I was four.

Ah. Well, then look, a horse is easy.

Say, Mary, that's a nice horsey.

Thank you, Ted.

Mary, where are the idiot cards?

Cue cards, Lou, please. Cue cards.

Excuse me, Ted.

Mary, would you please give those cue cards to this idiot?

What's that?

A horsey.

Hi.

Hi. I'm waiting for Mary.

Oh, you want something to do?

Uh -huh.

Uh, do you like to recite in school?

Yeah. Okay, repeat after me.

Nguyen Van Wat. Nguyen Van Wat. Nam Pen.

Nam Pen.

Richard Milhouse Nixon?

Richard Milhouse Nixon.

Good. How'd you like to be the anchor kid?

But for now, why don't you make some notes about the newsroom and write a

composition for school, okay?

Okay. Good girl.

Mary, see if you can do this in five lines or less.

What's your name, please?

Lou. What do you do here?

I'm the boss.

Thank you.

Mary!

Not going to be a long story.

I say, who's the kid? You say, Sally Jones.

Who's the kid?

Bess. That wasn't too long.

She's the daughter of my downstairs neighbors, but now she's staying with

and... You may not have noticed, but I never cuss when there are kids in the

newsroom. Yes, I did. I noticed that, and I want you to know I appreciate your

watching your language.

I don't like to watch my language.

I mean, I'd like to cuss right now because that kid's out there.

But I can't cuss because that kid's out there.

Do I make myself clear?

I think so.

You'd like to cuss, is that it?

Yes.

Then I'll get her out of there.

Good. I feel a cuss coming on.

is too good to waste.

Send Ted Baxter in here.

Good idea.

Okay. I'll watch them. Okay. And charge it to my account.

Okay.

Hi, Aunt Rhoda. Hi, kids.

Hey, Mary. I know you still have this thing to straighten out with Phyllis,

I've got a problem that's quite oppressive.

I need $40 to pay a fine or I'll get arrested.

A traffic fine?

No. I fed a buffalo.

Yeah, sure you did, Rhoda. Really? It was such a nice day. I went to the zoo

my lunch hour.

Anyway, you know I've always been a sucker for buffaloes. You know those

that say, don't feed the buffalo?

Well, I fed the buffalo.

And they really fine you for that, if they catch you.

Rhoda, what did you feed him?

Low -fat prune yogurt.

Dr. Mary, that buffalo's going to have some nice figure. Yeah.

Can you spare the 40? Yeah, I think I can.

What's happening with that busy Phyllis?

Nothing. She's still trying to act as though nothing was...

Yeah. It's either that or start saving up to put the kid through college.

In addition to paying for my buffalo.

Ah, right. Yes, I'll write you a check. I couldn't look at you knowing how you

feel and take money from you.

I'll pick it up later.

I brought Beth a little cabbage soup.

No offense. I know you're a wonderful cook and you're feeding her well. Where

she? She's out buying TV dinners.

Well,

I just dropped by to see what time you wanted me to babysit tonight.

Phyllis, sit down, will you?

I was just calling you to tell you that I think everything is kind of crazy

around here, and it's going to get even crazier if you don't do something.

What's your problem, Mary?

It's not my problem, Phyllis. It's yours.

This.

We've been all over that. It's just a...

I think Bess would want to come home if you'd just show her that you miss her.

Why don't you come right out and say it, Mary?

You'd think I'm a lousy mother.

No, I don't, Phyllis. I'll tell you exactly what I think.

I think... I... What are you trying to say?

I'm trying to think of a nice way to say that I...

something.

I have read all the books, and I feel that I am... What are you doing wearing

love beads?

Oh, Bess made these for me this morning. Can you beat that?

She's made you the same beads she made for me.

She loves you.

Well, not so good as you think.

I mean, it's because you come on so darn strong all the time.

Well, I like you so much better when you come on weak.

And if I feel this way, well, imagine how Bess felt when she saw you just now.

Well, why imagine? I'm going to go get her.

a buffalo.

There's no need to get that upset.

It's all taken care of.

You're an incredibly sympathetic person.

You know that?

My goodness. Hey, I better get out of here. I think I'm depressing you.

If the zoo was half as sympathetic as you are, I wouldn't need the 40 bucks.

Mary, whatever you do, don't mention the buffalo.

You know what she said?

Well, it was just so touching. She looked up at me and she said, uh -huh.

She said, uh -huh.

I don't know what that means, Miss. Well,

you had to be there. She said, uh -huh, after I said, Bess, are you here because

you know your mother needs you?

And she said...

much, but thank you.

You're going to make a wonderful mother.

I know.

Oh, isn't it silent?

Lovely. Mary, I love movies, but not the kiddie show at 10 a .m. on a Saturday.

But Bess wanted a treat, so how could we refuse? Yeah. Anyway, with some... Nice

seeing Phyllis and Bess laughing together. I see what you're getting at.

Phyllis and Bess laughing together. The world has a nice big pink Mary Rich's

bow around it. Is that it?

Well, yeah, something like that. Well, let me tell you something. That Phyllis

is still a crazy lady.

She's wacko. Do you know she's taking that kid to the movies again tonight?

So? That's great.

They're going to see Myra...

Anybody would know I'm kidding. It's not true. You believe everything. Mary,

you're the most golden person I ever met.

I don't know how you live this long. You wrote up a kid for nothing. I'm not

kidding. You are golden. I am not. I was kidding you. You were not.