Original subtitles

How will you make it on your own?

This world is awfully big.

Girl, this time you're all alone.

But it's time you started living.

It's time you let someone else do some giving.

Lovers all around, no need to waste it. You can have a town, why don't you take

it?

You might just make it after long.

You might just make it.

meeting, so I figured out a way to cut down on the give and take.

I'll give, you take.

I'm not saying there's cause for alarm, but I would like to get a little

constructive hysteria going.

There's a drop in the ratings.

Again. How far?

Go ahead, Mary, read them.

Let's see. Six o 'clock news. Last week we were a 1 .1, and then we plummeted

down to a 1 .0. Well, what does that mean? An entire family of midgets tuned

out? Look, a drop in the ratings may not seem like a big deal to you.

But if it continues this way, I could lose my job.

Nobody went all.

Oh, Mr.

Grant.

We're losing the young audience.

Gee, I don't know why.

I like the show.

I mean, I watched it even before I came to work here.

You're not young anymore.

I'm not?

Check the ratings book. It's broken down into age groups.

Young is 18 to 29.

You don't make it anymore.

I don't. Hi, gang.

I heard there was a big powwow going on here. It's our ratings, Ted. Oh, are

they up? Does this look like a celebration?

Now, does anybody have any suggestions about improving the show?

Improving the show?

Well, we could make it longer.

Oh, Ted, you've missed the point.

If it's not doing too hot now, that would make it not doing too hot

out.

Why don't we all write out on slips of paper what we feel the main drawback of

the show is, and then have them read anonymously? Why anonymously?

So that Ted's feelings won't be hurt.

Ted Baxter? Uh, yo.

Got some mail for you here. Fan mail, I guess. Fan mail for a newscaster? Oh,

that crazy, kooky American public.

Fan mail.

Only in America. Here you go.

That's it? Yes, sir.

Uh, excuse me, ma 'am.

Ma 'am?

Ma 'am.

Yes, ma 'am.

Ma 'am?

This kid.

Well, no, he wasn't even a kid. He must have been 21 or 22 years old. He comes

over to me, and he calls me ma 'am.

Ma 'am!

Your first time? Yeah.

Not only that, I found out that our rating service has declared me

over the hill.

That's nothing. When I turned 21 and still wasn't married, my mother

declared me an old maid.

I think she had it notarized.

Hey, wait a minute, Rhoda. Let's stop this. You know, if there's one thing

that's worse than being single, it's sitting around talking about being

So let's change the subject to something a little more pleasant, huh? Like

pollution? This is important, Mayor. There are many single women who've lived

perfectly fulfilled lives.

Who? I'm getting a pencil and a piece of paper and make a list. No, no, Rhoda. I

am not about to sit around and make lists of single women. We're not. We're

going to make lists of single men to go out with.

When was the last time you went out with someone really terrific?

Well, last time for me was when my father took me to a ball game.

Come in.

Hi, Mary.

Hi. I just came up to bring back the ice cubes I borrowed. I didn't need them

after all.

This is a bag of water, Phyllis. Oh.

I stopped downstairs to talk to Mildred for a few minutes.

You want me to refreeze them for you?

It's nothing, really. We can do it later. We're trying to think of men to

with. That was Rhoda Morgenstern with the 8 o 'clock news.

Listen, if you really want to go out with someone fantastic looking in your

backyard, Ted Baxter. Oh, no. No, no, no. I might have been kind of bowled

by his good looks in the beginning, but he's good looking in that good looking

way. He always looks to me like he's posing for a postage stamp.

impressions can really be so wrong. Like Lars and me. Did I ever tell you? When

I first met him?

No, I don't think so. When I first met him. Oh, this sounds ridiculous.

Oh, I know you're going to think I'm insane.

When I first met Lars.

long time ago or someone you just met do you wish you knew better well there was

this professional dancer not you Mary come on there must have been somebody

anyone recently no well think back then no yes there was

remember Mary Howard Arnell Howard Arnell oh Phyllis how did you even come

up with that name well Lars ran into him a little while ago he's still single

he's still Oh, he was wild about Mary.

Well, then that settles it. Now all we need is someone for me. What do you mean

that settles it? Well, I have an idea for someone, but nah, it's too crazy.

Then again, maybe it isn't. Do you remember how wild he was about you?

Rhoda, nothing is settled. Come on, fellas, it was four years ago.

I hardly remember him. He was wild about her.

Listen, Mary, if you call yours, I'll call mine. And my whole thing is crazy.

All right, what's yours?

Mine is this guy I ran over.

Oh, he was adorable.

This guy you ran over?

Yeah. It was a couple of days ago.

But he wasn't hurt. His arm was just a little grazed.

Although his briefcase was totaled.

We got to talking and exchanged phone numbers. Ah, here it is.

Arm and Linton.

So what do you think?

You don't know this man outside of hitting him with your car? No. And I

you're going to think I'm kidding. But you can really get close to someone fast

when you hit him with a car.

get to know someone over coffee, can you?

Uh, you're not going to believe this, Phyllis, but when I first hit him, I

thought he was boring.

So, Mary, what do you think?

Look, we're not doing a thing tomorrow night. Let's call Howard and Armand.

do I think?

You want to call up a man you hit with your car, and I'm supposed to call up

someone I hardly remember?

There's not much to think about.

is having her first pajama party tomorrow night, and you can come down

We're having 19 of her little friends over.

You can even come early and help blow up the air mattresses. Well, actually,

Phyllis, I didn't say that I was definitely not going to call Howard,

know, if I don't, then I'd be glad to come and help you blow up the 18 air

mattresses. 19?

Well, when I won't be there, my mother's going to take care of the kids.

Barb and I, we're going to spend the night in a hotel right here.

Right here. Howard Arnell.

Now, come on, Mary. We both said we have nothing to do tomorrow night.

Oh, Rhoda.

Nineteen little friends.

Oh.

Nineteen air mattresses.

All right.

We'll make it for drinks, not dinner, okay? Good. It'll be a little easier

way. Uh, what'll I tell him? Uh, 8 .30?

Perfect.

Well, that's uncanny.

I mean, it's been four years.

Is that right? Four years, three months, and two weeks.

Yeah, you're right, Howard. There is a lot to talk about.

Actually, that's why I'm calling. I'm going to have a little gathering at my

house tomorrow night about 8 .30, and I wondered if you could come.

Oh, good.

The address is 119 North Weatherly.

offer but uh no i have enough chairs no no glasses aren't

any problem either well uh listen uh howard i've got to get off the phone i

have something in the stove i uh so i what oh howard that's sweet of you to

offer at your

Understanding too much, giving too much. It's impossible to hold a normal

conversation with him.

Maybe I can call him back and tell him I'm sick. If it weren't for the fact

I have the phone in my hands and I'm already dialing Armand's number, I'd pay

court. Sure, but under the circumstances, call it off, call off a

Yeah, you remember me. We met when you were under my car.

Oh, yes, right.

That's me.

Listen, I thought I'd give you a buzz and see how you and your arm are getting

along. Yeah.

Oh, I'm so glad to hear that.

Listen, Armand, while I have you on the phone, tomorrow night a friend of mine

is having some people over, and I wondered if you'd care to drop by just

can take a look at the patient.

Oh, great.

Oh, I'm so glad.

It's 119 North Weatherly.

Right. What?

Oh, of course. Lovely.

Yes. See you then, Armand. Bye.

Am I smiling, Mary?

Yeah. Was I smiling when I talked to him?

Well, sure.

Good. Because if I'm smiling now, that means I can smile anytime.

I can even smile tomorrow night when you and I have our little fivesome. Our

little fivesome? That's right.

Armand is bringing his wife.

Sure, this looks okay. I feel so fat.

Yeah, it looks fine.

You think this munchie stuff is enough? Everybody will have eaten dinner. Oh,

that's just right.

How can you gorge yourself like that and stay so skinny? I'm going crazy with

hunger. Well, eat something.

I can't. I've got to lose 10 pounds by 8 .30.

This dress is all wrong, Mayor.

I wonder if I should have worn my pantsuit.

Maybe I should call my date to see what his wife's wearing.

Did he hint at all that he was married? No idea at all. But I'll tell you, I was

thinking about it this morning. And I don't feel strange in the least about

going out with a divorced person.

What do you mean divorced? He's married.

Now he's married.

And suppose now he's happily married?

You know, sometimes you're very depressing.

Boy, I wish they'd get here.

No, I don't. I just wish it were over.

You're nervous over nothing, dear.

And I don't see what your big gripe is about Howard.

I mean, so he likes you. No, no. No, Rhoda, he doesn't like me. He likes me.

All that love just rushing at you. That, as my grandmother used to say, should

be the worst thing that should happen to you. Oh, get that stuff away from me.

I'm fainting from hunger.

Rhoda, it isn't going to kill you to eat something.

Break my diet the day I see almonds?

Not a chance.

Geronimo.

Mary Richards. Good evening. I'm Armand Linton and this is my wife, Mrs. Armand

Linton.

Oh, excuse me, wrote it.

Armand and I think it's just wonderful of you to have us over. I mean,

considering how you met.

I mean, I think it's just super that we should all be good friends.

Isn't it?

When I ran over Armand, I never dreamt I'd find myself a new girlfriend.

Nan.

I just had to get that on film after all these years.

Oh, man.

Oh, Mary.

Oh, Howard.

I can't believe it. Mary Richards.

It's so good to see you, Howard.

Would you like to come in? Just trying to stop me.

I must be kidding. After all these years, do I want to come in?

Boy, oh, boy, is she wonderful.

Uh, allow me to introduce myself. I'm another person in the room.

Roland Morgenstern. Oh, how would I know? How do you do?

And this is my date, Mr.

and Mrs.

Armisen.

Excuse me. I strained my arm.

Can I get you a drink? Oh, sure, ma 'am. The, uh, the usual.

Uh, the usual?

Yeah. Scotch and... Scotch and...

Scotch and soda. Yeah, I knew you'd remember.

Oh, Mary, I just can't get over how you look.

Terrific. A1 terrific.

Isn't that little gal there the most gorgeous thing on the earth?

Isn't she? Oh, I'm supposed to answer that.

Oh, yeah, yeah, sure. She certainly is the... A1 terrific.

Yeah, that's very nice of you to say, but really... Oh, no, no, no. Come on.

Who's more gorgeous than you? Oh, Howard.

No, no. Name one person. Lots of people.

Who? Well, there's her.

Well, after all, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, right?

I mean, Mary is great looking and Nancy's gorgeous.

Rhoda's nice looking, too.

Yeah.

It's been since Mary and I saw each other.

Now, come on, just take a pot shot.

Howard, they're not interested in guessing how long it's been.

Oh, well, all right.

I'll tell you.

The last time I saw Mary was the 4th of July, 1966.

Oh, and you remember it because it was Independence Day.

No, because it's the last time I saw Mary.

Not too many.

Me either. I don't want to spoil my dinner.

Look at that woman.

Boy, are we in for a treat.

You are looking at the greatest little gourmet cook in the Western Hemisphere.

Rhoda, could I see you in the kitchen for just a moment?

Excuse me, Robin.

Certainly. Amen.

I thought 8 .30 so obviously meant after dinner.

Maybe you can whip up something quick. Whip up something quick. Right, right.

uh, yes, I can whip up a carrot. I can, uh, whip up a baked potato.

Nothing, nothing.

The only thing I have in my refrigerator is a light bulb.

Well, I'm just going to have to go out there and tell them. What else can I do?

So I don't know what you'd be cooking. Either a chicken in a pineapple shell or

duffling with wine sauce.

Listen, everybody, on the subject of the duck in the wine sauce, there's been a

kind of an interesting situation, and the situation is that you thought that

this was for dinner, and of all things, it's not.

Oh, you're saying this isn't for dinner? Well, no, no, I'm not saying that.

Yes, that's what I'm saying.

Well, it really doesn't matter.

It really doesn't matter because, uh, because, uh... Well, because we've

We had a late lunch before we came here. Seriously.

Yeah, seriously, we did, right before.

And also, I had a very big breakfast.

We're stuffed.

Well, if you're sure.

Oh, yeah, really.

Say, this is such a nice apartment.

Don't you think this is a nice apartment, Nancy?

Oh, I certainly do.

It's really pleasant.

Incidentally, are there any... more of those... Bacon curls?

Yeah. Oh, no.

How about a carrot?

Thank you.

You know, Mary, I just can't get over how you look.

I mean, you are really something, Mary.

Most gals, you know, look their best when they're in their 20s, but this

gal here, I'm telling you, Mary, the older you get, the sexier you look.

Hey, I've got an idea for posterity.

Yeah, that's a good idea. Pictures. Who knows when Nance and I will see each

other again.

Howard, you really want to do that now?

Oh. Oh, no. We can wait till after dinner.

Oh.

Isn't that funny?

Why do I think we're going to have dinner?

Hey,

I've got a good idea, Howard. Why don't you take some pictures of us all?

Oh.

Oh, come here. Help me out here, Armand.

I'm dying to get a couple of Mare and I together, you know? Well, I'm not sure I

know about this kind of camera.

What's to know? You just pushed a button there.

Well, okay.

I am terribly sorry.

It's really all my fault.

No, no, it's all right.

I don't know how to apologize.

No, listen, it's all right.

Just the pictures I took of the total eclipse of the sun.

Mary, I... I think we'd better be going.

We both want to thank you for a lovely evening. And the bacon curls were

delicious.

I'll get your coats.

I have to get up early in the morning anyway. I'm playing golf.

It's snowing.

Oh, well, I'm not that good.

Thank you, Mary.

Good night.

Good night.

The next total eclipse in Minneapolis is in 2099.

No kidding.

Well, of course, there's a partial in 1979.

That's only nine years.

Excuse me, please. I'm going into the kitchen, and I'm not coming out until I

find something edible.

Mary,

you're not tired or anything?

Well,

I am a little. It's been a kind of a long evening.

Yes, and I know what you've been thinking all evening, too.

Oh, no, no, I haven't. Yes, yes, you have.

You've been thinking what I've been thinking.

How great we are together.

That's it, isn't it? Uh, well, no, not exactly.

Well, no, no, not exactly, no.

I mean, what, do you want me to say what exactly is?

Well, I mean, do you want me to say the words? I'll say the words.

Marriage. There, I said the words.

Look, I'm not surprised at this marriage.

You're a woman. You have a right to expect something to come of this. No,

Howard, I don't think I have that right. Yes, you do.

Oh, Mary, you're so great.

You're so great, you'll probably understand this.

Mary, I can't marry you.

You can't?

Howard, I understand.

I really do.

I've got to have my freedom.

I gotta.

See, the way things are now, Mayor, I'm free just to pick up and go

whenever I please, wherever I please. I mean, the sky's the limit.

I get the desire to jet up to Duluth. One phone call.

That's it.

I get the urge maybe to spend a weekend in St. Paul.

That's done.

See, I can't be tied down.

You do understand, don't you? Oh, Howard, I really do. I understand.

No, no, I don't think you do understand. Yes, I do.

I'd just be hurt, and you're saving me from all that hurt. I mean, wow, I never

knew anyone who saved me from so much hurt.

I... I better go.

Even the sound of your voice makes me crazy.

If you say one more word, you'll make me change my mind.

Where's my coat?

Mary Richards.

Little Mary Richards.

Say, Mary, you know something?

I'd like to have something of yours, you know, to remember tonight.

Oh, come on, that's too nice.

Here, let me pay you for it. Oh, no, Howard, really, it's broken. I mean, it

needs flint and it leaks fluid. Come on, tell me, insist.

Ten, twenty, twenty -eight.

Howard, please, just take it.

Thanks,

Mary.

Mary, no goodbyes, huh?

Right.

Goodbye, Mary.

say yes unless it's a couple I really like.