Original subtitles

...and imagine you're putting on a very tight pair of jeans.

Squeeze yourself in, rotating your thighs and sucking up your butt cheeks.

We want to end up with bums somewhere at the base of our spines,

not halfway down the back of our legs.

Imagine there's an orange in between your butt cheeks

and you're squeezing it, squeeze it... squeeze it.

Come on, I wanna smell that juice.

That's it, and zipping up the front, zipping up your core. Zip it up.

We don't wanna see any muffin tops.

Let's just tuck in all those flabby bits and zipping it up, up, up.

Ribs down, shoulders back and down,

necks long, and shoot the energy out the top of your heads!

And preparing for your hundreds. Knees up.

Chin to chest.

Shoulders up, arms down by your side.

In for five and out for five and pumping all the time. And...

In, 2, 3, 4, 5. And pump, 2, 3, 4, 5.

And in, 2, 3, 4, 5. And pump, 2, 3, 4, 5.

And tummies in, 2, 3, 4, 5. And pump, 2, 3, 4, 5.

Zip it up, 2, 3, 4, 5. And pump, 2, 3, 4, 5.

Shoulders up, 2, 3, 4, 5. And pump, 2, 3, 4, 5.

Strong arms, 2, 3, 4, 5. And pump, 2, 3, 4, 5.

Breathe, 2, 3, 4, 5. And pump, 2, 3, 4, 5.

Last one, 2, 3, 4, 5. And pump, 2, 3, 4, 5.

Hug your knees into your chest. Nice job, ladies!

Cor, dear, it ain't half been windy, ain't it?

- It has. - (Driver) Rain.

Look at this city, bloody mess.

Bins knocked over, rubbish in the gutters.

Paper blowing here, blowing there, blowing everywhere.

Cold Blow Lane. That's where we used to play.

And the day they moved up to Zampa Road, I cried.

- Did you? - Yeah, I don't mind admitting it.

We all cried. Grown men wept.

Yeah, you can laugh.

They've had gales north of the border.

Oh, talking of Scotland, Millwall's a Scottish team.

That's why we play in blue and white. There's something you didn't know.

Yeah, but Millwall's not a Scottish team.

- It is, it is. - A-ha, but it's not.

It is!

Years ago, these Scots would come down from Dundee

to make jam for the sailing ships. HMS What's-her-name...

- Are you going the quickest way? - I am going the quickest way, madam.

But I can't help this traffic, can I?

Millwall Rovers. They started their own team.

We've been up and down the divisions like a yo-yo.

Sixteen managers in 27 seasons.

♪ We fear no foe where'er we go! ♪

- All right, Derek? The Punto ready? - Yeah. Been ready since last week.

- Give us the keys. - Give us the money, I'll give you the keys.

I've got this geezer who's gonna buy it. He sorts me out, I'll give you the money.

- Suppose that goes pear-shaped? - It won't go pear-shaped. It's a cert.

- Nothing's a cert with you, Perry. - What are you talking about?

It's the basic fundamentals of business: fluidity of finance, fluidity of stock.

No, no, no, the basic fundamental of business in this garage:

people bring their cars in, I repair them, they pay their money and drive 'em away.

But they're punters, I'm a businessman.

No, you're not a businessman, you're a tosser.

That's nice, innit, eh? That's customer service for you.

I'll take my business elsewhere.

While you're at it, take your two cars with you.

I will do if you give me the keys.

I'll give you the keys when you give me the money.

I'm fed up with them cluttering up my garage.

If they're not gone by next week, I'm taking them down the breakers. Now, do one!

(Perry) You're a dinosaur, Derek!

Now what? What you doing here? What are you driving me mad for?

'Ere, listen, lend us 500 quid. I've got this geezer gonna buy the Punto.

- But Derek's playing up again. - Look at you. You're like a kid.

- You gotta sort yourself out. - It's only 500 quid.

Is that all? I'm not a bank. I'm running a business here.

- I've got to get the motor. - I'm sick to death of bailing you out.

- Oh, go on. - No, off you go.

- Please. - Can I get on now? Thank you.

Deb, it's only five...

Anyone in?

(TV commentator) '...the referee plays on with Yeovil in possession.'

(Phone rings)

Hello? Mick speaking.

Yes, we are. Fifteen hundred quid.

Well, it's a white Mercedes estate. 1990 reg. Automatic.

157,000 on the clock. It's fifteen hundred quid.

Well, it's a Mere, darling. It's got a full service history.

- It'll run forever, it's built like a tank... - (Phone rings)

Bitch!

Cootsy, boy.

Have ya? No, not this week. Listen...

With the tickets, take them down to Jamie, down the caff.

He'll give you the money, and tell him I'll see him right when I get to the ground.

Sweet? Round the caff. Round the back.

No, I don't want any corduroy shirts! All right. Laters.

- Yeah, so I gotta work on my tan. - Me too.

It's all right for you.

- So, where's hot, then? - Caribbean?

- Oh, yeah. Just jump on a bus, shall we? - Yeah, all right.

- What about the Mediterranean? - Yeah. There's Majorca.

- Ayia Napa. - Ibiza.

- Oh, my God, yeah. - (Phone rings)

- You all right, Dad? - Jody, are you at home?

No, I'm out. Why?

- 'Where are you?' - What do you want?

I've got a geezer coming round the house.

I'm going home in a bit anyway. Gotta go work.

- Don't worry, I'll see you in a minute. - (Phone rings)

Hello, Doug speaking.

Yeah, hello, mate.

Excuse me!

You're not allowed to bomb into the water cos it's dangerous, all right?

Hello.

We spoke yesterday on the phone. I'm Gary.

- Yeah? - About the Fiat?

Oh, the Punto, yeah.

Well, it's 2:30.

Are you Mick?

No, no, he'll be back in a minute. Come in.

Thanks.

Here you are. Up here.

- Upstairs? - Yeah.

I've just been reading about Lester Piggott.

(Gary) Oh, yeah?

(Granddad) He was very little, you know. Mind you, they all are, aren't they?

(Gary) Who's that, then?

- Anybody watching us over there? - Sorry?

Have a look.

Er...no.

Nosy sods. All right, sit down.

There's a woman round here makes very nice cakes.

Oh, that's nice.

What do you think of that, then, eh?

- 50 inch. I could get you one of 'em. - Really?

Yeah, get you anything you want.

Trainers. Good quality...

(Rasping cough)

- Are you all right'? - Yes, thank you. Sit down.

Jeans, jigsaw puzzles...

You name it, I can get it for you. You only have to say the word.

- Is he going to be long? - Who?

No. No, no, no. He's just... He's out giving your car a wax.

- Have you got a motor? - Yeah.

Well, no. It died on me, unfortunately.

- What was it? - It was only a Peugeot.

Nah...

- Have you come far, then? - No, not far. I live...

- Got a job? - Yeah. I'm a care assistant.

- What? Mentally handicapped? - Old people's home.

Walter Winterbottom. What's that name mean to you?

He was the England manager before Sir Alf Ramsey in 1966, World Cup.

It was him deployed the 4-2-1-2-1 system. The diamond formation.

But Alf preferred 4-3-3, the triangle. Or 4-4-2.

Ah, but, you see, he had the great Bobby Moore to... Here!

How many goals Bobby Moore score for England?

Two!

Tell you what, come 2012,

you won't be able to prise me out of my chair when the Olympics are on.

I'll sit there with me lagers and me Chinese take-away,

and I'll watch it all day, every day. I'll be glued to the box.

My cab can go in retirement for a couple of weeks and I don't care.

Here you go! 2012!

- Or what's gonna be left of it. - What?

Well, you might as well enjoy it while you can.

- What do you mean? - Well, you know...

What?

End of Days.

Nothing wrong with me, I'm as fit as a fiddle.

No, no, no, no. No, I didn't...

2012. Great Cycle.

- What, the Milk Race, you mean? - No.

- The Mayan Calendar? - No, don't know what you're talking about.

Right. This is interesting, right?

The Mayans invented a calendar, right?

Now, this is thousands of years ago in Me-hi-co. Sorry, Mexico.

They believed in cycles, right? Now, each cycle lasts 5,125 years.

And at the end of each cycle is a major change.

I mean, a massive geological shift.

Now, we...

we are in the final stages of the fifth cycle.

And they predicted, the Mayans, that at the end of the fifth cycle,

the Earth and the Sun will come into direct alignment...

...with the Great Rift.

Right, the Great Rift is the dead centre of the Milky Way.

Now, this is scientifically proven. This will happen.

And this... this cataclysmic event will take place

on 21st December, 2012.

Just before Christmas.

It's mind-blowing.

Who knows what'll happen?

Millwall's a Scottish team.

There's something you didn't know, eh?

You see, years ago, these lads come down from Dundee

to make jam for the sailing ships. SS What's-her-name.

A lot of people thought Alf Ramsey was of Romany extraction,

but he always denied it. Funny that.

Is he going to be much longer?

No, no, no. He won't be long. Won't be long. Only be a minute.

- Granddad? Are you here? - Is that you, Hayley?

No, it's me. Has a geezer been here?

- Yeah. - All right?

- Where's Dad? - He's on his way.

He phoned me. Oh, give us a lift to work.

- No. - Oh, go on. I'm running late.

- All right, then. Hurry up. - Oh, thanks.

I'll put the meter on.

Nijinsky. Where do you think he was born?

What?

He's the only racehorse I know come from Canada.

Do you like the flat or the jumps? 'Ere! Who won the Derby in 1953?

- I don't know. - Pinza.

Yeah, I like the flat and all.

But the greatest jumper of all was Red Rum.

Three times he won the National. Three times!

They buried him at the finishing post. Big lump in the ground. Horse-shaped.

- Have you seen me necklace? - No!

I'm not usually such a mess.

- Hello, babe. - All right, Dad.

All right, mate. Sorry to keep you waiting. Terrible traffic. I'm Doug.

Hello, Dad. You here again? Let's do some business. Want a cup of tea?

Coffee? You take sugar? It's Roger, innit?

Step this way, I'm gonna sort you out. Let me get the keys.

You're gonna love this. Get me paperwork.

It's not here, mate. Hold on to your money. It's all outside. Follow me!

Now... do yourself a favour, Roger.

If you're gonna buy a car, you wanna make an educated choice.

Choose wrong, you're in trouble.

Choose right, you're in clover, and I'm your man.

You got three oars here. You got your town car.

Lovely metropolitan blue. Goes great over speed bumps.

You got your country car. Seat in the back for the dogs and the roof rack.

And for beach, you got your four-by-two.

- Four-by-four! - Yeah, all right, Dad. That's your choice.

Bish, bash, bosh. That's the car for you. It's got your name on it.

Lovely car. Ladies love it. You'll have Dorises hanging out the window.

Do yourself a favour, sit in here

and experience state-of-the-art Japanese technology.

Go on, live a little. Get in. It's like Tokyo on a Saturday night.

- You can almost smell the Geisha girls. - No, listen.

What are you doing? I'm trying to earn a living.

Give us five minutes. Why don't you just go home?

Now, if I had a showroom with all the overheads, that would be three grand.

I'll do it for 1,200 but I can do it for you for 1,100, and I'll tell you for why, Rog.

- Gary. - What?

- It's Gary. - Whatever...Gary.

Now, I'm gonna be honest with you, Gaz.

- I sold the Punto. - I don't believe it...

You know I told you to come this afternoon cos I got a geezer coming tomorrow?

But he came yesterday with his daughter who wet her knickers over the motor.

She loved it, but the old man didn't have the dosh. Tragic.

But this morning, first thing,

I'm eating me bacon sandwich and they're knocking at the door.

Within five minutes, she's standing over there. Weren't she, Dad?

On my mother's life, she's crying her eyes out. She wants the car.

And the old man's pleading with me, "Please, she hasn't slept all night.

"Do me a deal." And I said, "I can't.

"I've got a reliable customer called Gary coming who'll give me £750 for it."

- Which I've got in me bag... - Now, I may be a businessman, Gary.

- But I've got a heart of gold. Ain't I, Dad? - Heart of gold, yeah.

He's always telling me, "Remember, son, that you're running a business."

- I always told him. - But I said, "No," didn't I, Dad?

I'm a father first. I've got daughters, I know how he feels.

- Yeah, but... - So, I'm sorry, but I sold your Punto.

But if I look in your eyes, I can tell, Gary, that you'd have done the same.

Cos you and me, we're two of a kind, ain't we? We're peas in a pod.

- Am I right? - Not really.

There you go. Now!

This Merc, it's got a full service history, it's built like a tank and it'll run forever.

- And I can do it for you for £1,500. - I can't afford that.

- How much you got? - 750.

Let me tell you something about life, Gary. You get what you pay for.

If you stretch it just a little bit further, if you push the boundaries,

- I've got the perfect car for you. - This is nice.

- That's not his! - Just make us a cup of tea, will you?

Yeah, this is a lovely car. I sold it yesterday.

Two lesbians, they're picking it up Thursday.

Now, this is a family car. Are you a family man?

- No. - But you're a generous guy, aren't you?

You're the bloke who gives everyone a lift. Am I right?

See? Now, I know. Now, this car...

I'll do it for £1,200, I can do it for you for a grand.

No, see, the Fiat was only 750.

Fair point. And, in fact, I've got the perfect car for you.

It's within your price range, and it is only five minutes away.

You got five minutes'? Good. Your quest for perfection is over.

You're going to remember this day for the rest of your life,

and you'll be coming back to me for years. They always do, don't they, Dad?

Go on. Hop in. We'll be there in a jiffy. I don't do this for everyone.

- Well, where is it we're going? - In you get!

(Rasping cough)

Granddad, come on, then, hurry up. We're late.

- Come on. - All right, keep your hair on.

(Jody) I haven't got all day.

(Engine splutters)

(Gary) on

I just gotta get the keys and the paperwork. I won't be a minute.

- I don't want any... - Look, it's my daughter, Hayley.

Isn't she gorgeous? Do me a favour, keep him sweet for a minute.

- Do you want a cup of tea? - No!

Hiya.

- Hello. - Buying a car from my dad, then?

Yeah, well...

He's taking you on his Magical Mystery Tour?

- What do you mean? - Oh, nothing.

- Oh, I've just seen your double. - Have you been drinking?

I've got it, Gal. Come on, hop in.

We ain't got all day. Time's money.

See you, treacle.

When are you going to pass your driving test, then?

It's not my fault they keep failing me, is it?

- How many times have you taken it now? - It don't matter, does it?

- Yeah, four, innit? - Only three, actually.

Well, Hayley got hers first time, didn't she?

Oh, "Hayley, this, Hayley, that." I'm not my sister.

(Coughing)

Oh, don't go dying on me. I'm running late.

Thanks. See you later.

(Tyres screech)

There you go, Gary. Japanese Car of the Year, 1998.

In pristine condition and within your price range.

What do you think?

Well, it's cheaper than the Fiat, that's one thing.

Now let me tell you about that, it's deceptive.

It is cheaper, but, on the other hand, it isn't cheaper.

- What's that supposed to mean? - Well, supply and demand.

When we put a car like this on a lay-by or in a safari park,

or outside the zoo or a primary school, we start a bidding war.

ONO - 'Or Nearest Offer', means below or above the starting price.

Now, if a bloke comes in with an offer of 500 quid,

and that's top whack, he gets the car. But, come here...

If another bloke offers me 800, then that's where the car's going.

Funnily enough, I've got this geezer coming at 4:30 this afternoon

all the way from Barrow-in-Furness, with his fiancée,

and he wants to give me 800 for it.

But, don't worry, I'm gonna see you right.

You can have it for 750 because I let you down with the Punto.

But you know what? I am gonna shut up and let the car do the talking.

Why don't you shimmy on into the cockpit and take a test flight?

Go on. Get in. Look at that technology.

You could drive this with chopsticks. It's like Hiroshima on a Saturday night.

Away you go!

- How d'you like it? - The steering's a bit stiff.

No, the steering's not stiff, Gary. All due respect, you're a bit stiff.

- What do you mean? - You and the car'll get used to each other.

It's like a marriage and this is your first date.

It's only got 20,000 miles on the clock. Anyone'd think it was going backwards.

Now, this car's had one previous owner. She's an old girl, bless her.

Her husband's had a colostomy bag

and she's been driving him to the hospital three times a week to get it changed.

He's only gone and died on her. Emphysema, God rest his soul.

She's so cut up about it, she can't even drive any more.

She's asked me to sell it. Well, you gotta do your best, ain't ya?

You gotta help. She could be your mother, she could be my mother.

- You love your old mum, don't ya? - Yeah, of course.

Well, she'll love this car. She'll wanna drive it herself.

- She's lost her license. - Bastards.

Well, they gave her a bus pass, anyway.

- Oh... - No, it's automatic, Gary.

I'm not used to it. I've never driven an automatic.

You don't drive an automatic. You let the car drive you.

You'll never go back to a manual.

- You got a girlfriend? - Not really.

You soon will have in a car like this.

See, all those geezers in the flash cars, the birds don't trust them.

Turn up in this, they'll think, "There's a man who's straight down the line."

How's it feel?

Looks good. Suits you.

See, this is a thinking man's car.

- What do you reckon? - I dunno.

Oh, come on, make your mind up. I can't hang about.

He wants to drive it to Budapest.

He's got to meet her mum and dad. They're acrobats.

- I don't think it's worth 750. - What do you reckon it's worth?

- Seven? - How much?

- All right, 720. - He's gonna give me 800!

- 740, then. - 745. Deal?

- Do you have a fiver? - No, I don't carry cash.

Gimme your name and address, and I'll send it in the post.

There's ten.

There's twenty.

There's thirty.

That's a twenty pound note, so that's fifty.

- Hayley! - I'm in here.

Do us a favour, give us a lift down the garage.

- When? - Now.

- I've just made a cup of tea! - I gotta pick up a motor.

- Dad! - Help me out, I've had a nightmare.

- Your whole life's a nightmare! - Oh, go on.

- I've been up since 5:30 this morning. - I know. I'm sorry.

- On the way back, I'll get you a Chinese. - I've got a chicken and avocado salad.

- All right, we'll pick up a video. - I don't want a video.

- I'll get you a new pair of trainers. - Dad!

Designer! Tell you what, I'll run you a nice hot bath.

- What? You never run me a bath. - I'll give you 20 quid.

- Don't be daft. - Come on, treacle, help your old man out.

- I'm not hanging about, though. - I swear the car's ready and waiting.

- The keys are upstairs. - Love you!

Yeah...

(Alarm beeps)

- Hi, darling. - All right, Mum?

- Where you off to? - She's giving me a lift.

- I can see that. Where are you going? - Down the garage.

- You got the money, then? - No thanks to you.

- What, you sold a motor? - Course.

- Good. - Let's get going.

What you driving us all mad for? She's got her own life to lead.

- It's all right, Mum. - You're driving yourself mad.

- No, you're driving me mad. - I love you, too.

Nutcase!

- All right, darling, see you. - Yeah. See you later.

Oi, Smiler! Here you are!

- Just a little bit down. - There?

Ah! Oh!

That's it, go on.

(Groans)

All right, girls?

- What's that on your head? - My new hat.

- Where'd you get it from'? - From the shop. Do you like it?

- Makes you look like a lobster! - I thought I'd treat myself.

Oh, that's nice, he'd thought he'd treat himself.

Yeah. I played a blinder today. I could've sold the Titanic for scrap!

Ah, he really deserves a little treat, doesn't he?

We don't, but he does. How much was it'?

- Mind your own business. - Well, it is my business.

What do you need a hat for? You ever wore one in your life!

- So? - You're ridiculous!

- I like it. It suits him. - It's a waste of money.

- Hayley, make us a cup of tea, babe. - Go and make your own cup of tea!

Stick a broom up my arse and I'll sweep the floor.

You know your problem? You got no sense of adventure.

When are you gonna start paying me back my money?

Hold on, darling, I just gotta make a call.

Perry!

(Receding footsteps)

(Cheering and laughter)

- All right, you're doing all right. - Because you're a crap shot!

I'm on fire!

No!

(Man) You idiot!

- Jody? - Yeah?

Which shoes do you think I should wear?

The studs, they're nice.

Don't you think the black ones go better with this outfit?

I think you should wear the studs, they look better on your feet.

Nah, I'll wear these ones.

If you're wearing those, I'm wearing these.

Come on, babe, I gotta do one.

(Debbie) Hang on, I just got out the bath!

- Hurry up, I can't hold it much longer. - (Debbie) Well, clench your buttocks!

- Is that what you're wearing? - Yeah.

- You look like Jane of the Jungle in that. - Whoo-hoo-hoo!

- Deb, I'm touching cloth. - Go on, then, enjoy yourself.

Oh, don't, you'll make me laugh!

- Ooh, you look nice, darling. - Thanks. Are you nearly ready?

- (Jody) Give us a sec! - State of it!

(Music over dialogue)

(indistinct conversations overlapping)

(Jody) So you got two own goals and you sacked it?

- And you're the best player? - I don't think so.

I scored three goals for my own team and they were way better than his five.

If this guy has a shot and I save it,

and it hits your shins and goes in the net, that's not your fault.

It is your fault!

- (Woman) Why didn't you get out the way? - Exactly!

It's not like it rifled back out. It was going slowly and he's...

Will you wake me up if I fall asleep?

I can't wake you up if I'm asleep, can I?

Will you take that thing off your head?

I'll take it off when you turn out the light.

I'm not turning out the light till I take my rollers out.

- Take them out, then. - Can't. My nails are wet.

It's got 30,000 miles on the clock.

- Huh? - I'll let you have it for nothing.

Goal! Straight in the back of the net.

(Snoring)

And inhale...

...deep into your Cat.

And give me a "meow"' from your throat,

from your blue chakra.

And reverse...

...into your Cow.

And give me a "moo" from your perineum,

from your red chakra.

Meow!

Moo!

(Humming)

(Whistling)

(Metallic clanging)

Whoa!