Original subtitles

I had a terrific weekend, Daddy. Me too, sweetheart.

Kiss Uncle Oscar goodbye.

Goodbye, Uncle Oscar.

Don't you ever use a glass.

I like that good can taste.

Stop,

you'll corrupt my child. When's dinner? When's dinner? Soon, soon.

Thanks again, Daddy. You forgot your purse. Oh.

And you forgot the most important thing you're present. Your opera album.

Not every little girl will get New Beverly Hills opera album.

Arias but goodies.

The autographs was very valuable. You take good care of it.

What are we going to do next weekend?

Anything you say, Daddy. Yeah?

You want to go to Radio City?

Oh, I did that last Tuesday with Uncle Bill.

Uncle Bill?

You don't have an Uncle Bill.

Well, he's sort of an uncle.

You mean sort of an uncle.

No such thing as sort of. Either he's married to your aunt or he's something

else.

Well, I wasn't supposed to say anything, but he's Mom's boyfriend.

Perfect.

Daddy! The album!

It's only a record. Go push the elevator button. Thank you.

Okay.

Hey, forget about dinner? Cook your own dinner, buster.

The odd couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

Hi, Mom.

Oh, hi, darling.

Felix!

Hello, Gloria.

I brought Edna home.

I see that.

Hi, Dad.

Hello, Leonard.

You need a haircut.

All right, children, I want to talk to your mother. Go to your rooms.

Go to your rooms!

Is something wrong, Felix?

All right.

Where is he?

Who?

Uncle Bill.

Who?

Bill. William, what do you call him, Wild Willie?

Now I understand.

I thought you might.

Where is he hiding?

In the closet?

Under the bed? He's not here.

That's a hot one. Tell me another.

Felix, please don't make a scene.

What's this?

Booty for Uncle Bill Jr.?

You must know we broke up. Oh, really?

Just a fast fling in the balcony at Radio City and then on to the next

that it?

We just broke up. And I really don't think it's any of your business, Felix.

None of my business?

None of my business?

You're making a mockery of our entire divorce. What am I saying?

Please, now calm down.

I'm sorry, Gloria.

It just drives me insane to think of you with another man.

It always has and it always will.

I understand how you feel.

We should be together, Gloria.

Take me back.

Felix, we tried that ten times. Eleven including our marriage.

Let's make it an even dozen, huh?

Felix, it's no use. Why not?

I'll be good this time, I promise.

You always promise and you start out being good and then two days later

back to criticizing and finicky feelings. What finicky?

Well, for instance, when I get up in the morning, I don't like to see my clothes

all laid out.

I mean, I'd like to dress myself.

You're into women's lib now, aren't you?

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I'm not asking anymore, Glory.

I'm begging.

Take me back.

I can't. Glory, if you don't take me back, I'll do something crazy.

That figures.

Take me back or I'll jump.

It's no use, Felix.

Take me back or I'll jump.

Then jump.

You didn't think I'd go through with it, did you?

Boy, I don't believe this. You decided to cook your own dinner.

Well, I'm a good cook, Murray.

will you? Yeah. Okay.

Watch it. Here it comes.

Ooh. Smell that aroma?

Not so hard. You'll inhale the crust.

Huh?

You know, I got this recipe out of the Racing Digest.

Horses love it too, you know.

Okay, now. First thing we gotta do. I remember.

Potato chips gently crushed.

Gently crushed.

There we go. Now, Jenna.

And now you put in the sardines, see?

All right, in, everybody. Jump in. Jump in.

There you go.

Pretty little thing.

Sardines. Now, see, to make it look pretty, you got to put a little green

it. What do you think I got?

Here, little pickles. Make it look terrific. See, right around there like

What do you think I put in next?

Peanut butter.

Peanut butter?

No, Nazi.

You put in, where is it? I got to write it. There it is. You put whipped cream

in.

all that mess in there.

You told me I could cook my own dinner. I'm going to clean it all up.

Doesn't matter. Life is too short to worry about a filthy kitchen.

Cook, eat anything you want. I'm going to my room.

It doesn't matter?

You must be sick.

It's got to be Gloria.

She hates me.

She hates me not.

for the pigeons to give me room on the ledge.

You shouldn't keep the window open.

The pollution count is so high they had to call the baseball game today on

account of soot.

As man does not.

What is it this time? You haven't been out on that ledge in two years.

Is it Gloria?

I went over to her house.

I ruined our relationship all over again.

Why do you keep doing that? I can't help myself. I drive her crazy.

A marriage counselor kicked me out of his office once.

He wrote on my chart, lunatic.

Oh, I don't blame Gloria. It's impossible to be married to me. It takes

make a rotten marriage. Look, we all have our faults, you know. We had a maid

who came in to clean up three times a week. And on the other days, Gloria

cleaned. And at night... When they were both finished, I'd go in. I'd clean the

whole place all over again.

I can't help it. I like things clean.

Blame it on my mother.

I was toilet trained at five months.

How can you remember things like that?

At seven months, I was training others.

I loused up the marriage.

Nothing was ever right.

Dumb, stupid, idiot.

I belong on the ledge.

Get off there!

Don't you know you can't change? You can't compromise? Why don't you accept

you are? The fussiest man I've ever known.

Gloria called me finicky feeling.

Finicky? I like that better than fussy.

Help me, Oscar.

Help me to unfinnick myself.

You wouldn't even try. I would. I'd do anything to get Gloria back. You would

try? Anything.

You're very finicky about food, right? Yes.

Come out and share that dinner with me tonight.

I'd rather die.

Finicky feelings, finicky feelings, finicky feelings. I'll do it. I'll do

All right, I'll call you when dinner's ready.

And you're going to love this food, I'm telling you.

Athletes train on it.

What athletes?

A whirl away, citation, man of war.

They're horses.

Smells powerful.

You're gonna love it, buddy. You're gonna love it.

Paper flake?

Well, I figure you gotta eat off something, you know. Uh -huh.

Where's the salad?

Where's the appetizer?

Well, it's all in here.

What do you call that, Melange?

Goop.

Goop. But I like what you called it better, Melange.

From now on, I'm going to call it goop me long.

Goop me long. Yes.

Uh -huh.

Well. I figure you're going to like it, buddy. Uh -huh.

A little plastic fork. Let's do it.

Line up the crack.

The dishwasher broke it. Uh -huh.

I mean, stop scrolling with the eat. Go ahead. You first.

What do we wash this down with? Beer. Beer. No glass?

Wouldn't want to miss that good canned taste.

Oh, beer.

Outside of you, I'm the best cook I know.

This is top -notch goop melange.

Dig it, dig it. Come on.

Well, up to the feet, over the gums, look out stomach, here it comes.

What do you think?

Oh, I forgot about that. What was missing? Red.

Do you always complain like this about everything? You're right, you're right,

you're right. If I can eat this without complaining, I can eat anything Gloria

puts in front of me. Okay, now take a big, juicy mouthful. Come on.

Attaboy. Now give it a chance to settle. It's terrific. Once you get used to it,

you're going to love it.

Oh, it's a goop melange.

Goop melange? Well, it's evidence is what it is. For what?

I'm worried about Felix. He's sick.

If Felix was sick, he would have called me 25 times today.

You're talking about the old Felix.

Oh, there's a new Felix.

See, I made this last night. Boy, it went bad fast.

That's the way it's supposed to smell.

Everybody has the same reaction.

Halfway down here, they kick me off the bus.

I grabbed the cab. The driver made me put this in the trunk.

It's supposed to smell that way. The only thing bad with this is it has

everything in it that Felix hates.

But yet, Gloria, he ate this last night. Why?

Well, because he wants to get over being finicky. For you.

You know what else he did?

He slept in my room last night. I don't do that.

Well, you should.

And I'm worried about him. He's got a terrible cold.

Dr. Mellis said that in 25 years of practice, it's the worst clogged head

ever seen. And Felix is making those sounds that drive me crazy.

I know those sounds.

Yeah, and he swore he's going to sleep in my room every night until he's

convinced that he's changed.

Oscar, Felix will never change.

He didn't call you today, even though he was sick, did he?

See, he's trying.

Well, Gloria, what I think is you've got to try a little more, too. I mean, I

think you've got to be patient with him.

I know I'm impatient with him, but everybody is. I mean, you're impatient

him, too.

Yeah, but I'm not in love with him.

Are you?

That's what you've got to decide.

Why don't you two go over and talk to him? I'll take care of the kids here.

Okay, I'll go talk to him.

Smells great to me.

Please don't turn off the heat lamp.

It keeps the rolls fresh.

You just see me like this.

Oh, Felix, you silly little thing, you.

Going and eating that stuff, sleeping in this room.

Your system's too delicate for that.

Well, it would be worth it if you understood why I did it.

I'm trying to change. I don't want to drive you crazy anymore.

Felix, you just go about things in such strange ways.

No, I don't. Yes, you do.

most about you?

I do do strange things, don't I?

At least you're never boring. I guess not everyone has my flair for living,

Gloria.

Yes, but sleeping in Oscar's room... And I'm going to do it tonight and every

night until you're convinced I'm changing.

Don't you think I can?

Don't you think I can stop being finicky -feeling and stop complaining and

criticizing everybody?

Hot rolls.

Well, you know, Felix, I really do believe you are serious about trying.

And maybe if you keep on trying, maybe I can learn to be a little bit more

tolerant, too.

You know, I've been thinking, I'm not that perfect either.

You are to me.

You know, sometimes I really miss you, Felix.

And the kids, well, they miss you, too.

You don't have to miss me.

Any more?

Will you take me back?

All right.

What? I said yes.

Don't toy with me, Gloria.

I'm not toying.

Oh, Gloria.

Oh, Gloria.

Don't kiss me.

You'll catch my cold.

Oh, I love you, Gloria.

We'll get married this week.

Fine. Now let's get out of this room.

First, I better turn over the rolls.

The guests are ready. I'm nearly ready. I'm nearly ready.

It'll take you longer to get dressed in glory and fix it for me.

I guess you never thought you'd live to see this day, huh?

I must say, I wasn't sure you wanted to get married, but I am sure now.

You know, you've been marvelous. Little things that used to bug you, you handle

now with tact and patience. Me? I'm so proud of you. Really? Yeah.

I'm an amazing man, you know that?

Absolutely.

I've really completely changed my character. I'm a different human being.

you are. For instance, there's a little thread on your shoulder right there.

Formerly, I would have had to take it off. Now, it doesn't bother me. That's

good. Yeah.

I've overcome things. I'm not finicky. I owe it to you.

Hello, everyone.

Hello.

Bravo.

No, no bravos.

I'm not only your groom, but I'm also your host.

So if you'll excuse me, I have to check on my hors d 'oeuvres. I'll be right

with you.

Oscar.

Wow, what a beautiful dress.

Thank you. And you look so elegant.

Yeah, like Felix, right? Yeah, he's trying so hard.

He sure is. He's being terrific, right? I'm going to see if he needs anything.

Okay.

Hi, buddy. What are you doing?

I distinctly told you I wanted cracked ice, not ice cubes, didn't I? Felix is

back. Okay. I asked you to do three things for me as my best man. I asked

crack the ice. I asked you to lock the door to your room. My door doesn't have

lock. I tried to jam it closed, but it's brand bad.

So all the guests think it's the cloakroom. They've thrown their coats in

They'll never find them now.

And third, I asked you to bring us a plumber.

Well, the plumber was here. He said the trouble is not in the sink. The pipe's a

week all over the place. Oh, isn't that cheerful, Newton? Well, that's not going

to bother you. You're only going to live here for another hour. Will you stop

with that to get the ranking? Boy, they want to see I'm being nice. Will you

please? I'm being nice. I'm being nice.

What?

What's going on?

You have to advertise to everybody that the suit is rented. Don't make a big

deal out of it. Be nice.

Hello. Hi, Dad. You look nice.

Ah, so do you.

Thank you, thank you.

What are you doing? You're eating chocolate?

Want to spoil that perfect skin?

I got shots for that now, Dad.

Eat fruit. I have fruit here for you. Don't eat chocolate.

I don't want fruit, Dad.

Felix, is anything wrong?

Nothing. Your son's eating chocolate. It's going to ruin his teeth, that's

That's okay. I told him he could today.

You told him he could. Good, good.

Have a piece of this. Here, come on. Have one. There you are.

Have another one. Have another one. You like that haircut, Prince Valiant? You

think that's nice?

Good.

Murray! Murray, careful! What are you doing?

Congratulations. I'm sorry.

Glad you're here, Murray.

Felix, how come Gloria isn't wearing white?

Murray, Gloria is the mother of two children.

Oh, I see. I guess it's hard to keep things white with kids around.

Mingle, Murray, mingle.

Gloria? Gloria, stop it.

Yes? What time did you ask the violinist to arrive?

Oh, I didn't. I canceled him. I got a pianist instead.

You canceled the violinist?

Well, you don't mind, do you?

I knew you were going to crack me.

Every cliche in the book. Who cares? I'm a pianist.

What's the matter? All right, you're right. You're right. You're right. Okay,

now let's get this thing going before you start criticizing Gloria's dress.

Have you ever seen such taste in clothes?

As your best friend and your best man, may I tell you something? Anything.

If you blow this, I'm going to break both your legs.

Well, he's filthy.

Stay here. I'll let you know when to come out.

Oh, Felix.

Quiet. Here we go. Master, sir, can we have you? You'll play, Henry? Come on,

let's go. Everybody here. Everybody where you belong. Come on, kids, move it

Atta boy. Let's go.

Here we go.

Okay, Felix.

Felix!

Felix!

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here together in the sight of God and before

this company to unite this couple.

Or I should say, reunite this couple in holy matrimony.

It's raining.

It's the bikes.

It's the bikes.

Get some dogs. We've got to ruin the car, but that's all.

I told you to get some fun. I'm going to talk to that superintendent.

What's more important, a little water or a wedding? You've been waiting for five

years to... The wedding.

All right.

What's a little mess? We don't care, do we? We're not going to let it rain on

our parade.

Hit it.

Go ahead.

What do you think of this? Go ahead. Go ahead!

Gloria, do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?

I do.

Felix, do you take this woman to be your...

and why this couple should not be brought together.

Speak now, forever hold your peace.

May I have the ring, please?

The ring.

Would you hold it for a minute, please?

The ring.

I now pronounce you man and...

Laurie, I'll be with you in one moment.

Well, buddy, this is it.

I wish you a good honeymoon and a great life.

Your dinner's in the oven. Turn it off in 20 minutes.

Thanks.

Oscar, what can I say?

Five years ago, you took me in, broken man on the verge of mental collapse.

I leave here a cured human being. I owe it all to you.

All yours, buddy.

I salute you.

Felix, you know how I'm going to salute you?

I'm going to clean that up.

It has not been in vain.

I'm not going to clean it up.

we wouldn't clean it up.