Original subtitles

No, operator, I was just cleaning.

What did the doctor say?

I don't understand talk like

that.

Why won't you answer me?

Dr. Melnitz put me up to medicine and then he put me on voice rest.

And that's all Dr. Melnitz did?

Yeah, and I was fine.

Uh -huh.

Where's your phone? I want to call Dr. Melnitz. All right, all right.

He said my throat was a little irritating.

If I gargle with hot water and salt, I'll be fine. Salt water, that's...

I already called Dr. Melvin.

Well, I'm not going to have the operation.

Yes, you are. No, I'm not.

He's a quack. What is... Who are you to call? What are you, my mother?

No, but I wish I could punish you for lying.

Just leave me alone, will you?

I've got to get dressed.

So ridiculous.

He even recommended a wonderful surgeon.

Who, the Dr. Creaky Cookie?

Dr. Krakauer happens to be the best throat man in New York. Well, you can

about it. I'm not going to have the operation. My voice is fine.

What? Your voice is fine? Yesterday is always fine until you yell.

Well, don't make me yell, huh?

I'm smart.

It's all set, Oscar. You're going in the hospital tonight. Oh, did you arrange

everything? Isn't that nice? Well, I can go. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't go.

I have something very important to do tonight.

Crazy Rhoda Zimmerman is not all that important. It's not Crazy Rhoda, smart

guy. I'm going to be on the Dick Cabot Show, and I'm late now.

The Dick Cabot Show?

Yeah.

Wow!

Why didn't you tell me?

Well, I just came up this afternoon. It's because of that racetrack scandal I

uncovered. Will you help me find my black shoes, please? Here.

Right there.

There's a pickle in this shoe.

You're always after me to use a shoe tree, aren't you?

It's very hard to find a size 11D pickle.

I just realized something very, very important about you. What?

In the words of the great Sigmund Freud, you're a fraidy cat.

I am not a fraidy cat. What about the dentist? You insisted on gas, have your

teeth cleaned?

Oh, neither did I.

You're afraid of doctors.

I am not afraid of doctors. Yes, you are. No, I'm not. I just don't like

doctors. The last doctor I liked wore a bone in his nose.

Typical fraidy cat reaction.

Well, no matter what you say, I'm not going to have the operation and not see

anyone, okay? All right.

Doesn't matter to me. I did all I could. Good.

I'll get him in the hospital.

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

As most of you have probably read, a major racetrack scandal was uncovered in

the past week, and one of the best -known sportswriters in America, Oscar

Madison, got that story. Mr. Madison is here tonight to talk about the whole...

30 seconds, Mr. Madison. Yeah, sure. Hey!

Hey!

What are you doing?

You ready to go?

You know

what's

going to happen now? You're going to go out there and make a fool of yourself.

Mr.

Oscar Madison, right here.

You're on. You're on.

You're on. Come on, Mr. Madison. You're on.

I guess it wasn't exactly in place. They have a hammer lock on him. We sometimes

have to do that. We had to get one on Helen Hayes.

There you are, Mr. Madison. Very nice to see you. Can we hear it for Mr.

Madison as he sits down?

I was a little worried there for a moment.

Say, you've created quite a stir with this whole racetrack scandal, and there

are a couple of points I'd like to clear up right away. One of them is that the

underworld has, in a sense, gotten to you and sort of asked you to clam up

this whole thing. Is there any truth to that?

Perhaps you could sort of recap the story for us from the beginning.

I'm sorry, I can't. Are you having a little...

You're going to have to speak up. You'll have to talk much louder.

Do you feel that you're using your full voice? Because I'm not hearing you.

I'm having an auditory deficiency of my... What, uh... What is the matter?

matter is the man needs a throat operation. That's what the matter is.

What's that?

Are you aware of the man in the wings?

This is the strangest night I think I've had yet. What is that? What was that?

That man needs a throat operation. That's what the trouble is. He won't

Is he with you?

Would you want to come out here and explain this? I don't know what's going

out here.

On TV?

Yeah, come right out.

These are the cameras.

I could use a little help. I haven't been in makeup yet. Oh, that's all

You look fine. Just have a chair.

Stage manager.

Thank you.

Loved your book.

Loved your book. Thank you.

You know each other, don't you?

What were you talking about backstage? I really didn't understand this at all.

This foolish man has a serious throat condition which he has chosen to simply

ignore.

Can you tell a story, then, about the racetrack scandal for him, so we... I

don't bother my mind with those silly things. You know who was a wonderful

with you, and I just loved him?

Lord Lawrence Olivier. Now, that, that was really good. If that man had a

condition, you'd never know it, because the man is a trooper.

Have you seen him fill those cameras? What are you trying to do?

The man's only on twice a month, and you're ruining it for him. You're going

get him fired forever.

All of you people who think this man should have an operation, signify.

How many feel that this man should also have an operation?

Will you please give me my thermometer back?

Relax. It's only a minor operation.

That's close enough.

Close enough to what?

Close enough to operate.

Thanks a lot.

The surgeon will be in a few minutes.

You'll like him.

He's a real cut -up.

You hear what she said?

Dr. Krakow is a real cut -up.

You know what I'm talking to, the mummy.

You scared?

Let's have some fun.

See?

Even a hospital can be fun. Not this hospital.

See that guy?

You know what he came in there for?

A tonsillectomy. Must have been complications.

rated on him, Dr. Krakauer.

They tell me Krakauer is a genius. Yeah. How they treating you, huh? All right.

They even shaved me.

Well, you want to look nice for your operation.

I'm not talking about my face.

You don't want to take any chances?

Well, it's a pretty big margin for error.

I was sound asleep.

It was 3 o 'clock in the morning.

I thought it was a nice dream.

Such a kid. I want to get out of here. My voice is better.

Can anybody work here with all this stuff in the hall?

Hello, I'm Dr.

Krakauer.

Sorry I'm late.

How do you do?

You're Dr.

Krakauer? Yeah.

What's the matter? You never saw a surgeon before?

You Madison?

What's the matter with him? He can't talk.

He's got a bad throat. That's why he's here in the hospital.

Well, take it easy. You can't be too careful.

Sometimes they slip a hernia case in.

It's embarrassing.

You weren't too careful with his tonsillectomy case, were you?

Don't be a dope. I never operated on him. He jumped out the window when we

to shave him.

Do you think this is the most sanitary thing in the world, a cigar?

You know, most doctors have quit.

Are you a patient here?

No.

Would you like to be?

I'm his roommate.

Don't let him make you nervous.

Here, open your mouth. Let me show you. Doctor, doctor.

What now? Another walk down the aisle?

I want you to know that I will be here to help him at all times.

You really want to help him? Yes.

Move to Turkey.

We'll have the operation.

Keep your fingers crossed.

What an eccentric, huh? But I smell genius.

I smell pain.

I'm getting out of here.

They will have some more. No, no more with the bed. Leave the bed alone, will

you? You know what I always say to a man who's about to have a throat operation?

What? Keep your chin up.

Get out, Felix.

But you need a friend.

Get out, Felix.

Expecting you till tonight.

Yeah, they made him check out of the hospital a little early. They didn't

you to come back.

You see, there was nothing to worry about. The operation was a complete

Krakauer's a genius.

He can't talk for two days.

I know. That's why we have this blackboard. We'll communicate just fine.

Felix? Yeah?

Okay if I go to your little boy's room?

Sure, go ahead.

Oscar. Oscar.

Listen.

While you were away, glad to see you, I came to an amazing conclusion.

Do you know why you lost your voice?

You knew.

I thought I was the only one who figured it out. I bug you. I drive you crazy.

Well, I'm not going to do that anymore. Don't drink the cold. It's bad for your

throat. Don't gulp like that. Here.

Here you are.

Wipe your lips. You see, I used to drive my wife crazy, too, but I'm not going

to drive you crazy.

I'm going to live and let live. You have to be just a little bit more flexible.

The main thing is that if you don't... You're testing me, aren't you? I know

you're not going to smoke us the garbage.

You think I'm crazy? What a kidder you are.

her look nice?

Oscar?

Oscar, I didn't clean up your room. I just, I just neatened it a little.

Because of the duster, such duster, that's bad for your throat, Oscar. I did

for your own good. Come on.

Please.

Now you're making my throat hurt. Come on.

Please, Oscar, be friends.

I get sympathy phase like when Glory was pregnant, I retained water.

Mess it up a little bit. See? Look. See what I did? There.

Oh, come on. Don't make me feel so guilty. Ron, please, Oscar.

There's no way to treat a guy who's drunk.

Please, Oscar.

Hey,

guys.

When I stood up, I bumped my head on your sink.

Does it look all right?

Stop the talk, but very softly.

Remember, if you raise your voice, you'll be back in the hospital in ten

minutes. How about this, like this?

Perfect! Good.

What's the matter with the nudge?

Stop playing doctor with yourself.

Here, let me take a look.

You got a severe case of Nudge's disease.

In your terms, hysterical laryngitis.

Guilt has taken over.

Guilt from driving this man crazy.

In two weeks, Oscar will be well.

You'll be sick the rest of your life.

Or until you feel that you've punished yourself enough.

All right, that's right. Don't listen.

Don't listen. You may hear something that could change your whole life.

Turn you into a normal person like him.

What this country needs is more men like you. Thank you, doctor.

Now, remember, don't raise your voice.

With him around?

Try your best.

Nice meeting you, fellas.

Hey, now, remember, don't shout, even when you get my bill.

Okay, now, you heard what the doctor said.

So now stay out of my room and stay out of my way, please, and don't give me any

trouble, okay?

And you're going to treat me right. You're not going to bother me.

And you're going to be very nice about everything.

Thank you very much.

with my back.

Okay. I'll take it. Let's get the silverware first.

Hunk?

Maybe they teach geese.

Do you know what the doctor said? Get out of my room, will you? Please get out

of my room.

Operator?

This is your operator speaking.

Is this an obscene phone call?

What are you doing? Get out of my room. Please get out of my room.

What?

What?

Two brothers in the living room?

Why didn't you tell me? What are you bringing?

Okay, don't move and you won't get hiked.

What this or...

can't even yell.

Thanks to you, I hope you're happy.

Well, this is your fault, you and your hysterical laryngitis.

Five years, I can't shut you up.

One day I need you to say something, you dummy up on me.

It's all your fault.

Oh, shut up.

Hey, Felix, when you first saw the burglars, weren't you able to get out

them seeing you?

Why didn't you?

You did it to warn me.

And I've been mad at you. I'm sorry.

I'm not going to be mad at you anymore, buddy. I really am not.

Forgive me.

Wow.

Boy.

I don't know how long we're going to stay like this.

It's going to get kind of boring by Saturday.

What are we going to do?

I can't sing. I can't erase my voice anyway if I could sing.

You sing quietly?

You mean like Nat King Cole?

Are you out of your mind? I can't do that.

Mona Lisa.

No,

I don't want to sing.

We could do something else.

What?

Make funny faces?

That's a good idea.

Come in, come in. I never wanted to see you before, but now I want to see you.

Come in, Mary.

Please, come in.

I got a surprise for you. What?

It's a nice big pizza.

Pizza, I'm starving. Come in, break the door down. Come on, this is your last

chance. Break the door down. I'm going to go away.

Break the door down. Come on, please, Mary. Please,

come on. Break the door down. Come on.

Come on.

I'm going to shout. Even if it hurts, he's going away.

The miracle of friendship.

When I realized you were going to scream and hurt your voice, I overcame my

guilt and I got my voice back. Isn't that wonderful?

We should be very grateful for our friendship.

started running, but I yelled, stop thief!

And then I fired a warning shot in the air. And they stopped, placed under

arrest. Oh, that's great, Murray. Wow. Yeah, but I feel bad.

Why? I scared a pigeon.

You know, see, the little thing went into the car.

Murray, where's that stuff?

Down at the station.

We need for evidence now. You'll get it back in a couple of days.

Another job well done by your man in blue.

Murray. Yeah?

Untie him.

Oh, yeah. There's so many details to this job.