Original subtitles

Thank you.

Why, are we trying to get rid of another neighbor?

My opera club's having its recital next week. I'm the accompanist. We're doing a

program of Mozart and muffins.

Mozart's music, my muffins.

That's right.

Like this oil you want, it won't bother us.

It won't bother us?

Yeah, I invited a house guest for the week. Who?

My old army buddy, Wild Willie Byrne. No, sir. No, sir.

Take it easy, will you?

He's appearing with a rodeo down at Madison Square Garden for a week. I will

have him in this house again this year. Why am I supposed to stay to my friend?

Go stay in a hotel?

Besides, he's a fun guy.

Squirting flowers and joy butlers are not fun.

A pony in my bathtub was not fun.

Oh, so he pulled a few harmless pranks. You didn't have to clean up the

bathroom.

Listen, if it wasn't for his sense of humor, I don't think I'd have gotten

through basic training.

What did he do? Short sheet the colonel's bed.

How did you know?

He's going to behave himself in this house, or out he goes. This is not a

here. He's going to be a gentleman, you understand?

Okay. He'll get out, dribble glass and all. All right, all right.

Hey, Oscar!

Hello, Mr.

Boggs. I didn't want to impose on you empty -handed, so I stopped by and got

some chicken in a bucket.

That's very kind of you. Thank you very much.

Yesterday, when I was young, so many happy songs

were waiting to be sung.

So many wild pleasures lay in store for me, and so much

pain my dazzled eyes refused to see. I ran so fast the time,

and youth at last ran out.

I never stopped to think what life was all about.

And every conversation I can now recall concerned itself with me

and nothing else at all.

There are so many songs in me that won't be sung.

I feel the bitter taste of tears upon my tongue.

The time has come for me to pay for yesterday.

When I was young.

Now, I want to do my favorite. Come on.

You've got to do my favorite once at least.

Down the road there from me, there's a big hall that's free, where you lay down

a dollar.

Yes, and? Well, you pull around.

When you come back again, there's a joke from good old Mountain Dew.

When they call it that good old Mountain Dew, and them that refuse it are cute.

I'll hush up my muggy when you fill up my jug with some good old Mountain Dew.

Now my brother Bill's got a still on the hill where he runs off a gallon or two.

And the budget's in the sky.

aren't you?

I'll hush up my mug before you fill up my jug with some good old Mountain Dew!

Yeah!

Oh, I love it.

I can do that all in a long time. Thank you.

It's very good.

For what it is.

Play another one, will you? Nope.

Well, I don't have time anyway. I've got to get ready for the rodeo.

But I do want to thank you, Felix, for what you said about my singing and

playing. I know you know a lot about music. Well, you're more than welcome.

Shake.

You think that's funny? It is funny. You think that's funny?

Yes.

My napkin. Oh, he's such a funny guy. What a wonderful person to have around.

Oh, knock it off.

He's been in the house half a day. Already I've sat on his whoopee cushions

three times.

He glued my shoes to the floor and he greased the toilet seat.

It's because he's a fun -loving guy and he likes to see people laugh. You notice

he doesn't do it to me? Because I think it's funny. He does it to you because

you're stuffy and don't have a sense of humor.

I don't have a sense of humor? That's right.

Me? Yeah.

The one who had them rolling in the trenches at Anzio with my imitation of

Coward.

You think that was funny?

What do you think is funny? Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah!

A man walks into an elevator. There's a naked woman.

He says, my wife's got an outfit just like that at home.

Boy, that's funny.

That's funny.

I've got to be getting down to the rodeo.

I sure hate that I'm going to miss one of your fine dinners tonight.

Well, I'm certain you'll make it for breakfast, won't you?

Felix, you seem a bit testy. If I've been getting on your nerves, I have a

feeling that you don't like me.

I don't like your prank very much.

Well, it's because you've never tried them. You ought to try them one time. I

don't think so.

You want to pull a great prank on Oscar while I'm gone? No. Why?

This rubber hot dog.

Oh, they're a gas.

A rubber hot dog? Yeah, he takes one bite out of it and then chews it all

long. It's rubber. I wish I could be here to see the expression on his face.

Thank you very much.

I'll be back for you if you'd like it. One of your favorites. What have you

Yeah, nine cold hot dogs. Just put a lot of mustard on it. A lot of mustard,

yeah. That's nice of you.

Well, that's quite a surprise.

It was Mozart, wasn't it?

Yes, it was.

Until you turned it into Memphis.

You like good music?

Yes, it's one of my first loves.

Really? Hey, you know this?

Vivaldi. Wow. Can you play this?

Well, it's been a while.

What happened? Did the fiddle explode?

This is a real violin.

The bow is made of licorice?

I'm very serious. We'll just start from here.

One, two, three

You are good.

Well, you know, I used to practice a lot.

In fact, I had a scholarship before I went in the army.

No kidding. Why did you give it up?

Well, sitting in a room all day practicing on the violin is not my idea

I like to get out with the people and joke, make them laugh.

No, fun is mesmerizing an audience of thousands.

Fun is the happiness your gift can bring to other people.

Let's do this one again.

One, two, three.

what you were doing, the playing, that was terrific.

You see that? You see the reaction of that man? Now that's fun.

You really like that? I'm telling you, it was sensational.

You guys excuse me.

What's this all about?

Congratulations.

For what?

You just turned that man into a concert violinist. I did?

You're a magician.

I am?

Then how come I can't make you disappear?

Come on, Willie, you've been practicing for three days.

I want you to meet my friend Murray. You'll love him. He can direct traffic

his nose.

Murray!

Is this the guy? Wild Willie Boggs, meet Murray the cop.

How's it going?

I heard about you.

I'm not falling for that one.

Well, let's all sit down. Grab a chair, Murray.

You almost got me that time.

Oscar, what would have happened if I sat in that chair? That's the beauty part

you never know with Wild Willie, see?

Willie, tell them about the time we were stationed in Tokyo. Go ahead. You're

going to love this.

Well, we went in this geisha house. Yeah, yeah.

Stayed about two days and then went on back to the bay.

That's not funny, Oscar.

He's warming up.

Willie, you didn't tell him what happened when they served dinner.

Oh, here it comes. Here it comes. You won't be able to tell.

Well, we took our shoes off, sat around in all these cushions, two beautiful

girls brought all this food in, and Oscar and me ate too much.

Oscar, he's no Murray Amsterdam.

I don't understand you, Willie.

You can't even break up Murray, and he left the police lineup.

I'm sorry, I don't have time for all of this.

I've got to practice. I've got to learn a very difficult number. Nice meeting

you, Murray.

I'll tell you, you're not a fun guy anymore. I'll tell you that. I've seen

in cracks that are funnier than you.

Boy, boy, oh, boy.

I'm sorry, Murray.

Well, he seems like a nice guy, but he just wasn't funny. He used to be.

Felix ruined him. He ruined my funniest friend.

I thought I was his funniest friend.

You have to be such a bore. You realize you're tampering with a man's life? Why

don't you go in there and tell him he doesn't have to do this? You know what

are? What? You're the kind of man who ruins the world.

How?

He sticks an umbrella down my pants, opens it, and you scream with laughter.

course, it's funny.

You have a hotfoot mentality.

What about you? You turn a former funny guy into a mummy in a violin case. I

hope you're very happy with yourself.

I'm delighted. You know what's going to happen here Saturday afternoon?

Sure, you're going to shampoo the rug.

After that. You know who's coming to my opera recital? Who?

Boris Kalnyakov.

Hooray! Boris Kalnyakov.

The concert impresario. With one wave of his cane, he can give him a whole new

career. I'm going to have Willie play for him. Isn't that exciting? Oh, be

my heart. Now listen.

His dinner's in the oven.

Serve it to him in one hour.

Shall I flip it to him under his cell door?

I shudder to think what would have happened if you'd been a friend of

Michelangelo's. There'd be no Sistine Chapel.

You'd have said, leave your brushes, Mike. We'll go tip over Gondola.

All right, everyone. Here we go.

Meeting will come to order.

All right. The meeting will come to order. Come on, everybody.

Sit down. Sit down, everybody. Please sit down.

Sit down. No, no, you can't have the biggest chair this time. No, we're

that chair for something very special.

Members of the Lexington Avenue Opera Club, welcome to Mozart and Muffin.

Mozart made the music, and I made the muffins. So help yourself as you see

Now, well, don't take any of those. All right, everybody,

sit down. So now we have a great big surprise for you.

We're going to have a surprise guest and a surprise performer.

But to start things off, our own Fred Felsher will sing an aria for us that he

has been working on for 14 years.

Il mio tesoro From Don Giovanni

Il mio

tesoro

Mr. Felsher.

Sit

down.

Have a muffin.

Isn't he talented?

He could use a little more practice.

I'm so sorry. I wanted to make a good impression. Never mind the impression.

You're not rich little.

I came to hear the cowboy violinist. And you will hear him laugh.

No, I will hear him. first. Ah, well, let me explain my thinking, Mr.

I, too, am something of an impresario.

Mr. William Bond is our star.

I thought you'd hear all of our group first, and then, as a big finale, our

performer. Let me explain my thinking.

I will hear your top performer first, and then I will go home and have dinner.

Good thing.

Lexington Avenue Opera Club. Felix Unger presents a startling new talent.

Born a poor but industrious sharecropper parent in a one -room cabin in

Gooseberry, Kentucky.

Born...

Stop! That's enough.

You are a genius.

Oh.

Do you really think so?

Kalnikov knows a genius when he sees one. Oh, I'm so glad you agree with me.

you, sir, you're an idiot.

Why do you say that?

Kalnikov knows an idiot when he sees one.

Aren't you the great Wild Willy Bugs?

Yes. Well, then, sir,

You're a genius.

You are the funniest man I ever saw.

Don't you remember me from the rodeo? You set fire to my cape.

Was that you?

Who else will wear a cape in Phoenix, you crazy guy?

What did you think of the way he played the chariot? Well, 90 guys can play the

same way.

What do I do now, Oscar?

Oh, Willie, that's your decision. Now, what is it you really want to do?

Well, I'd like to play some more.

Good. Good.

Wonderful.

Are you not proud of the rodeo? I'm in baseball.

Are you, Hank Aaron?

Mr. Barnes will resume with the allegretto.

up your audition. No, no, no, no, that's all right. I just, I don't know what

comes, I just have to do it my way. Of course.

Now for me.

Play some Bach on the guitar. No more Bach. Will you play my favorite Mountain

Dew? No, no, no, no. Play a nice classical thing, please. I don't want to

anything classical. Mountain Dew!

Wait.

Could I do something for myself?

He's entitled.

Are you happy?

He finally played boxing.