Original subtitles

Oscar, you son of a gun.

You devil.

Congratulations.

What is this? What are you doing?

Never mind.

What's this?

What? Alex Karras will be missing from Monday Night Football for two weeks

because of a film commitment. Among those being considered as the third man

Howard Cosell and Frank Gifford is well -known sports columnist Oscar Madison.

I read it. I read it. So?

No.

You're being considered for one of broadcasting's biggest plums. All it

from you is a so.

Look, what are you doing?

I'm not even involved. I give it a whoopee.

Well, save your whoopees, will you? It's only a one -shot. Karras is coming

back, you know. This could lead to bigger and better things.

College football announcing. The Olympics.

You get to go to Moscow.

I'm not going to get the job.

Well, how do you know you're not going to get the job? But Howard Cosell hates

me.

Remember what I wrote about him two weeks ago? I call him the mouth that's

bored.

Yeah, but who reads your column?

Maybe somebody read it to him. When I read about this Monday thing, I called

twice. He didn't return either call.

I'm telling you, I think he still carries a grudge.

He'll return my calls. Why?

Do you know what Howard Cotell loves more than anything else in this world?

Himself.

More than that.

Who?

Martina Arroyo, the great opera singer.

That's right. And he's an opera buff, right? He's a bigger opera groupie than

am. And I'm the guy who followed Joan Sutherland into a telephone booth and

nearly suffocated.

He's insane about Martina Arroyo.

How's he going to help me?

I'll introduce him to Martina Arroyo. He'll owe me a favor. You'll cash in.

One hand washes the other.

Well, you'd never understand much about washing, would you? Oh, but that's a

terrific idea.

If you set it up, I think it'll work. I mean it.

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

Members of the Lexington Avenue Opera Club of Central Park West, today is the

greatest day in our history for we being honored with the appearance of one of

the world's greatest opera singers, Miss Martina Arroyo.

We're all dying to hear you sing, Miss Arroyo, and she will in a minute. We're

awaiting the arrival of one more superstar.

Oh, we appreciate this so much.

Anything for you, Felix. You're the only photographer that can make me look like

Twiggy.

There he is!

There he is!

Well...

How are you, Howie?

Don't call me Howie.

Mr. Royal.

For me, the culmination of a life's dream.

Thank you, Mr. Purcell.

At my suggestion, Mr. Royal is going to sing an aria especially for you.

I am overwhelmed, my dear.

Thank you. Sit down, guest of honor chair.

Here we are. Oh, don't you look nice. Look how nice.

You don't have the little ABC on your chest there.

Congratulations, Unger. You can read ABC.

Next week, we'll have you up to D.

Such a kidder.

All right, now.

Mr. Royal will sing Tacea la Notte from Il Trovatore.

I guess I owe you one. Yeah, well, that's sort of what we figured.

What is it you want me to do?

It's not for me. It's for Oscar. More than anything on earth, he wants to be

Monday Night Football.

Unger, that's out of my hands. I don't tell the network who to hire.

Mr. Cosell, I'm quite surprised.

A man of your great influence, and you can't do anything for Oscar?

I don't know why Muhammad Ali talks to you.

gone down a peg in her eyes just because you don't like Oscar.

Are you kidding?

I'd love to have Oscar. I think he'd be terrific.

I thought you were mad at him. I am.

The man has written tasteless things about me in his column, and I can't

of a better way to get even than by having him on my show.

I don't understand.

Let me elude today, Dunger. You're a little slow.

It's a big hit because in addition to sing the game, the viewers love to

hear the three of us trade insults. Yeah. Heap abuse, the one upon the

Yeah, yeah. And with a witless boob like Madison in the booth, I'd have a

fielder. You know I'm going to do it, Miss Arroyo.

You have convinced me, my dear. I am going to insist on using Oscar

Madison.

Nothing of it, my dear. Thank you, Mr. Cassell.

By the way, Unger, your apartment is furnished in questionable taste.

Oh, yes.

Mr. Roy, I hope I have the opportunity of repaying the favor soon. Perhaps I

shall do an aria for you.

Goodbye, Mr. Cassell. My dear, you may call me Howie.

No, no, Mr. Arroyo, you don't have to do that.

Oh, I can't even leave a room without cleaning up.

I'm compulsive that way.

What a wonderful way to be.

I'll get your coat.

Spirit! Oh, hi.

Hi.

You must be Oscar.

Yeah.

Oscar! Ah, you met Mr. Arroyo, huh?

Who? This is Martina Arroyo.

Oh, hi.

Hi. You make her clean up, too?

She's compulsive that way. She's a neat freak.

Yeah, I like to help.

Well, you sure helped me. I got that job.

You got it? Yeah, that's why I rushed home. I got a call from the network.

See, I'm going to do one game with Costello. He's going to announce it on

radio show. Oscar, you can't take that job.

What? You can't take that job. Why not?

Just believe me, you can't do it. Felix, I would kill for that job. If I'm good,

they'll put me on Wide World of Sports.

He wants to cut you up. He wants to expose you as a buffoon and a boob.

are his words.

You mean he wants to give me the job so he can make a fool out of me? That's

right, in front of 40 million people.

I don't believe that. I'm telling you the truth. You can't take it. You better

be prepared.

I don't think I have to prepare. I don't think he's as big an ogre as everybody

makes him out to be. I want to listen to him. All right.

All right. Come on. I can take you home.

He won't listen to me.

He's a very, very strange man. I know. I found his shorts in the oven.

The players won't speak to you. The alumni are after you. The college is

considering dropping football.

And even your children have...

I'll prepare a little.

Coach Carter has just written out his resignation.

I told you I'd get him, and I got him.

I'll prepare a lot.

Let me turn the sound down. No, no, no, no, no.

We're going to make our own sound.

Why? Next week is Oscar's turn to do the game, so we're going to have a

simulation, a real broadcast, right here.

Can I say hello to my mother?

Yes.

I've really been studying a lot. I've memorized the number of every football

player. Fine, but how will you respond to Howard Cosell's sarcasm? That's the

problem. With wit, I'll top him every time. Don't worry about that. Now, here

are our microphones.

Can I have the egg beater?

Give him the egg.

I'll be Howard Cosell. You'll be you. You'll be Frank Gifford. Hey, he's the

cute one. Great.

Now, I'm going to treat you mercilessly just the way Cosell will, so respond in

kindness. Don't hold back the venom. Let me have it. I don't want to give it to

you. I don't want to give it to you. Now, keep your eye. We'll do the game.

afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.

This is Howard Cosell bringing you the thrill of victory and the agony of

defeat. With me in the booth is my indestructible sidekick, the Gifford

16, Frank Gifford. How does today's gridiron pairing sound? strike up with

Well, Howard, it's obvious these two squads came out here to play today.

I'm looking forward to a real Donnie Broke.

And a big hello to Mrs. Fanny Greshler of Miami Beach.

Thank you, Dick. Also with us in the booth is a man who has been writing a

sports column for 16 years and still hasn't learned how to get it right.

One of America's true illiterate others.

Same to you, Howard.

Did you hear that, ladies and gentlemen? What a quick wit.

Ah, shut up.

Well, you got me that time, Matt.

So's your old man.

A renaissance man with a Neanderthal mind.

Now, your mother wears army boots.

game to do. What are you doing? What is that?

That's not wit.

So's your old man. What is witty? What witty may say. That's what's witty. Like

what? Emerson said, a foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little

And how often does hobgoblin come up during a football game when a guy misses

forward pass?

Delaroche Foucault said, there is something in the misfortunes of even our

dearest friends which is not entirely displeasing to us.

Is that what he said? Yeah. Well, I want to get the help of a professional. Who?

The wittiest man I know, Joey Bernie.

Joey Bernie? Yeah.

The nightclub comic?

He can make jokes on anybody. You know what he said to Queen Elizabeth?

What? Don't fall down and break your crown.

That was in Earl Wilson's column. It's one of Earl's pearls.

I'm sorry. Emerson never made Earl's pearls.

He's on the 30. He's on the 20.

He's on the 10.

Touchdown. giving Pittsburgh an early lead. By the way, aren't the cops doing

great job of crowd control?

I hope you're done.

Hey, don't lose the track. My Bermuda shirt's ready.

I gotta get out of here, Wharton. I can't eat this slop anymore.

Oh, I went to Havana on one of those cruisers for $49 .50.

Asylum butler. Hello, hello. All right, okay, all right, okay.

I came right over the minute I got your message, Oscar.

How do you feel? You look terrible.

I just came back from a doctor. He told me I got the body of a 25 -year -old. I

said, don't tell my wife. She'll make me give her back.

What a place that's done an early disaster.

Look at this.

Fruit and people starving and you can starve it.

Wax fruit, what are you expecting, wax people?

Quick impression, Madame Ouspenskaya.

Come on, Joey, please.

Look, I want you to do me a favor. What, what, what? I need some insults. Put

down. Insults? Yes. Oh, put down. Insults, insults.

Let me see. My wife is so ugly, I take her everywhere.

It's better than kissing her goodbye.

Oh, she has long black hair.

Luckily, she has long gloves to cover it.

That's a goodie. I'm rolling. I know you are, but see, it's not a woman that I

want to insult. What, a turkey? A hockey puck? A man. A chair? A table? A man. A

man. Oh, a man. A man.

Hey, buddy, give me a blueprint of your brains. I'm building an idiot.

You may be strange, but you're exceptional. You're exceptionally

That's not so good. Oh, I got one now. If brains were dynamite, you wouldn't

have enough to blow your nose.

How'd you hear that one? I just bought it. No, they're terrific.

But look, these are for someone specific.

Specific? Yeah, Howard Cosell. Howard, Howard, Howard Cosell? Yeah.

Oh, Cosell, you mean the sports guy? Oh, the big guy.

Yeah. Oh, the one with the long, plain tongue and a hi -fi head. Good. Yeah.

I got it. You say to him, hey, Cassell, I'd like to see evil Kamevo jump over

your mouth.

With your tongue and a loaf of bride bread, you could open a delicatessen.

Hey, Cassell, why don't one of your relatives die and leave you a little

You like that? Okay.

Cassell, I got two words to describe you, tall and cheap. Good, good. Listen,

why don't you go home, think about it, write them out. I'll write them out. See

you in about a week. Remember the words of Alexander Graham Bell, who said to

his wife in bed, what do you mean my three minutes are up?

Hey, buddy.

What do you think? You like it?

If I'm good, they do the alterations.

Oscar, I've been reading this material you got from Joey Bernie. You really got

to do this stuff? Cost me 35 hours.

I think you'll get more laughs with the jacket.

When you cut it out, I'm going to make minced meat out of that guy. Look how

smug he is in there. I'm going to tear him apart.

With typewritten insults, you're going to tear him apart?

Felix, this is my big chance. You see that guy in there? That's Moon Arledge.

He's head of the whole sports department.

He's going to be watching me. Now, look, Howard, I know you don't like Madison,

but give the guy a chance, will you? If he's any good at all, we'll have him

back and really let him have it next week.

Okay, room.

As a matter of fact, I think you're right. I'll give him every courtesy and

consideration.

Besides, I'm kind of curious to see how he'll do. You know, he's really not a

bad sort.

No, I think you'll like him. Get ready, will you? We have three seconds to go.

They're rolling the open. Good luck and be great.

Hello again, everyone. This is Howard Dosell. We're awaiting the start of a

preseason flat between Paul Brown's unbeaten Cincinnati Bengals and a

New York Jets football team.

Normally, old number 16, the Gipper, Frank Gifford, would be my sidekick

tonight, but the Gipper has been sidelined, clipped by the flu bug.

It's my pleasure to say, however, that we have the pleasure of bringing in a

voice in the sportscasting horizon tonight, the winner of many journalism

and... I think perhaps the most knowledgeable and responsible sports

of them all, Mr.

Oscar Mattis.

Thanks, Needlenose.

Listen, Howard, is that a new jacket you've got on there, or did you just

the old one repainted?

Oscar, as an acknowledged expert on professional football, How do you see

tonight's game?

A lot better than you do without your glasses, four eyes.

You know, Howard, I never miss your radio show. I never hear it, so I never

it. Yes, sir, Howard, you've got a great voice.

It grates on everyone.

Ladies and gentlemen, we'll be back for the opening kickoff in just one moment.

That was just a warning. No, no, no. I'm going to kill this show. Isn't that

terrific?

What are you doing?

Aren't you listening to the man? Why?

He's done nothing but say nice things to you. He's a pussycat.

It was nice, wasn't it? Well, of course. And there you are insulting him. I

wasn't listening. I was paying attention to this. You're joking.

I'm up.

The man was so nice to you. You know what you just did? Well, the first time

broadcasting history, you've got an audience rooting for Howard Cosell.

Well, Rune, did you hear it? I tried to be nice, and what I got was a cut -rate,

lower -case Don Rickles. The man is obviously an insensitive dole. Yes, I

it, and you're right.

I thought you handled it beautifully. I thought you acted like a prince. As far

as I'm concerned, Howard, whatever you do from now on is up to you.

Handle it the way you want it. You got it.

All right, ladies and gentlemen, that's Horst Muehlmann of the Cincinnati

Bengals teeing up the ball for the kickoff. And I must say, Muehlmann has

an interesting story behind him, doesn't he, Oscar?

That's right, Howard.

That's right.

Muehlmann is just one of the many fine soccer -style kickers we've got from

Europe. Didn't you once write in a column that the soccer -style kickers

never make it in the NFL, Madison?

Well, that was about five years ago. Of course, 20 -20 hindsight.

Number 12, Joe Namath, quarterback for the New York Jets. Out on the field now,

ready to move his team.

Namath has just thrown a 19 -yard pass down the middle. What's your view of

Namath this year, Madison?

Pretty good, Howard, pretty good. That knee doesn't seem to be giving him that

much trouble, huh?

Don't you remember that great exclusive of yours just one year ago announcing

Joe Willie's retirement from football?

Changed his mind.

Never mind. A jet lineman apparently injured on the play.

That was a great pass against a terrific Bengal defense.

How do you know it's a terrific defense?

They play a great seven -man zone.

Who told you about it? Nobody. I know all about zones.

Why do you think I'm betting $100 and laying seven points on the Bengal? I

believe I should have.

Betting $100.

and giving seven points on the bench.

You heard it here, ladies and gentlemen, a bare -faced admission of professional

football wagering. I suspect, Madison, that the commissioner of the NFL,

Alvin P. Roselle, is awaiting your explanation.

Well, you see, I was in his car. Say something.

Well, I was in his car. I wish some relative of yours would die in... leave

some wax fruit.

I'd like to see Evil Knievel jump over your Bermuda shorts.

You know your Lautrec is too loose?

After this commercial, one of us will be back. Let's put up a minute spot on

mental health.

And here's where you are, Howard, in tomorrow's column.

His insults and barbs are just a small part of the big man, a man whose style

totally unique.

Howard Cosell has the attention of 40 million Americans every Monday night.

What are you trying to do, Madison?

Ruin my image? If possible.

Listen, I want to thank you for really copping out for me on the air.

Don't mention it. I knew you were nervous. I can understand it. After all,

were sitting next to me.