Original subtitles

Okay, Mario, I'm all packed.

Packed yourself, huh?

Hey, hey, Rome sticker.

When did you get to Rome?

I didn't. I went to Chicago. My bag went to Rome.

I hope you and your bag make it to Hollywood.

It wouldn't look good for a movie star to be without clothes. What movie star?

Now, I'm only doing a cameo role. A few lines. They went authentically.

Sportswriters that play themselves.

Dan Jenkins, the famous sportswriter, he's playing himself, too. Oh, yeah.

You forgot to pack handkerchiefs. No, I packed one.

He's taking one hanky to Hollywood.

I'm only taking one nose.

You see the way he packed?

Look at that bag.

Did you try to fold your clothes?

Yeah. Yeah, I forgot my ticket.

Better check your room, see if there's anything else you forgot before I have

board it up. When Crazy Roderick gets here, tell him I'll be right back, okay?

He's going to Hollywood with crazy Rhoda Zimmerman?

Studios sent him two tickets. So he's picking her as his private secretary.

You think you'll ever get to Hollywood, Felix? Hollywood. It's the last place I

want to go.

Land of sham, pretense, plastic people.

Yes?

I'm Rhoda Zimmerman's sister.

And she ain't going no place, no time with nobody.

She's at home, chained to the radiator.

You want to have some fun? Don't count on the Zimmermans.

Oh.

That crazy Rhoda, she always does something like this at the last minute

every trip.

I guess you just stuck with an extra ticket, Oscar. Yeah, but I don't want to

alone. I wonder who I should take.

I'd go with you.

I'm a policeman, and I can't shirk my duties. My place is here on the streets

New York.

Protecting the... Who asked you?

Think of a girl.

Trouble is all the girls I think of. You've got to give at least an hour's

notice.

Maybe I'll meet somebody nice on standby, okay? You go get the car. Okay.

So long, buddy.

Bye, Oscar.

Have a nice trip.

I know you'll be wonderful.

Oh, please take me with you. Please.

My life is so boring here. I'm crazy about Hollywood. I'm dying to meet Rona

Barrett. Oh, please, please, please take me with you.

Why didn't you say something before?

I have my pride.

Look at that.

My feet are the same size as my hands.

Oh, there's his profile.

Put my picture with my face in it.

People think you're in New York. Why not? Will you get up? Come on.

Is my face in there? Yes.

Is my nose in his nose?

Yes. Is my hair in his hair?

Yes. Good.

Take it.

You've got your hat in front of it.

Okay. Now, you get down. I'll take your picture.

I'm not going to put my face down there.

You're no fun on the trip.

Map to the stars.

Map to the stars.

Hey, we'll take two.

Who buys these mostly?

Bergler.

This is Toluca Lake, so he's got to be around here. Look, it's got Helen, 12

Threes, Wallace, Beer. How old is this? No, no, you look for a street.

You never would find it. Look, there he is. Where? There he is.

There's Bob Hope.

Right there.

Excuse me. What are you doing? Mr. Hope. Mr. Hope.

Hi.

We just got here from New York.

Relative? No, we're tourists.

Hope we're not regular tourists.

My name is Felix Unger. This is Oscar Madison. I couldn't find you on the map.

Good, good.

You take out your own garbage, Mr. Holmes? Well, I usually have a gift

Isn't that marvelous?

You have a funny joke ready for every situation, haven't you? I have large

garbage piles.

Could I have a piece of your garbage as a souvenir?

Would you like the name for us first?

No, just an... Oh, an orange peel. That would just be perfect. Thank you so very

much. Well, Crosby just squeezed those.

If you find autographing it, people will never believe, they'll never believe in

a million years that I got this from you. Yeah.

Isn't that wonderful? It's just like ordinary people.

Oh, thank you so very, very much. Sorry, would you mind taking a picture with

us? Not at all. I don't have my camera. Do you have a camera?

Next time.

I gotta get a dog.

Garbage! But the garbage!

Dog!

Wow.

Okay, imagine. Bob Hope.

Who's next?

Me. I want to go back to the hotel where I can look at the pretty girls around

the pool.

All right.

I'll go shopping.

in a million years guess whom I just saw in the lobby of this hotel standing not

two feet from me. Who?

Cuffee Crab.

Who? Buster Crab's son, Cuffee. He was standing right there.

I couldn't have touched him. He was buying shampoo just like a regular

son. I got his autograph anyway. Oh, Oscar, I'll never be able to thank you

enough for bringing me here. It's the most... Guess!

Guess what's going to happen right outside our balcony in 30 minutes.

Cuffee's going to wash his hair.

stay walks her dog. Felix, you've got to stop being so crazy and starstruck

buying maps of movie stars' homes. I'm here on business, remember?

Ah, ah.

I've got to talk to you about that. What?

I also found out that when Dan Jenkins was here for his cameo, the studio got

him a bungalow with a sauna and a bar.

That's great for them.

Well, of course it's great.

You've just got an ordinary room.

Well, nice. Well, look, I'm sure it's only an oversight. Look, I'm not a

troublemaker. But if the studio knew about it... No, no, no, no, no. Don't

call the studio. I'm very happy with what I got. Please, one little call. I

a good view of the diagram.

You don't understand.

J .B.

Hofstetter, the head of the studio, just called me, see?

Everything is terrific. I told him I'm very happy with what I got. J .B.

Hofstetter called you? He wanted to make sure that I had the script and I told

him I did have it. Then it's official.

Yeah. You're in flick. That's right, buddy.

You're on your way. Let me see. When do we go to the studio?

No, we don't go to the studio.

Why? Why?

We're going on location.

Oh, that's much better. That's authentic then. I like that. Let me see the...

Home run killer. Home run killer. Isn't that good?

Yes. Wait, wait till you see the part. Let me see the part.

Here it is. See, I go in and I say, tell us about your career, slugger. Yeah,

yeah. And then, oh, there it is.

Thanks for the interview.

That's it?

They can't treat you this way.

You're a New York actor.

Felix, I'm a New York sports columnist. I don't care how many lines they give

me. This whole thing is a lark.

Oscar, baby.

Don't let these showbiz heavies push you around. If you're scared, you're going

to be washed up in the business. I'm not scared.

You're not? No.

Okay, tell me your part. Do it for me. Oh, come on. Do it for me. I want to

rehearse you.

See what you've got now.

How are you going to do it? Tell us about your career, slugger. No, wait.

I'll do it better.

Tell us about your career, Slugger.

Tell us about your career, Slugger.

Hey, Slugger, tell us about your career.

Hey, Slugger, you better tell us about your career. You understand, Slugger?

They're going to weigh talent like that.

The locker room clean was kind of choppy, so I padded the part of the New

sports writer.

I gave him another two pages.

That's going to mean an extra day's shooting. We'll have to give Madison

money. Yeah, what do you think we should give him? What?

Yeah?

Who?

Felix Unger?

I don't know any Felix Unger. What does he do?

Oh, Oscar Madison's agent. Good.

Well... Settle this matter right now. Send him in, Pam.

Madison's got an agent?

Not funny.

I know. He's going to want $1 ,000 more.

I'll try to get it for $500.

All right.

J .B.

J .B.

My client is not happy.

Now, person to person.

Man to man.

Agent to mogul.

Captain?

David, what?

Felix, don't tell me that after what I said to you, you had the nerve, the

audacity to go down to that studio and embarrass me. Don't tell me that you

down and what did you do?

You got me two extra pages of dialogue?

Not only that, I conned them into giving you more money.

I got another $50 out of it.

This is the location they wanted.

They're going to shoot here. Let's not gripe. When Dan Jenkins went on his

location, the studio sent him in an air -conditioned limousine. They did? You're

darn right they did. Are you sure? Of course I'm sure.

It's just plain unfair.

Oh, cut it out. Look, all right, Felix, you got me some extra money, you got me

a few extra lines, let's not press the lock. I just don't like it. I'm happy

with what I'm doing.

Hey, everyone, we ship this sequence tomorrow. Let's get the rehearsal going.

Have you got the sports register?

Here you are, Mr. Lennox.

Oh, yeah, Madison.

Madison! Right here.

Are you Madison?

No, I'm Felix Unger. I'm Oscar Madison's agent.

I'm Oscar Madison. How are you? You look like a sports writer. Thank you. Griff,

I want you to meet our star.

Yes. Griff Lockwood. This is Oscar Madison.

He's the one who does the interviews.

Very nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you, Oscar.

I'm a big fan of yours. And I'm a big fan of yours.

Griff Lockwood.

Oh, look.

I saw you in Hotel Romp.

That's the one he made with Ron DeBisk.

Tell me, when you were shooting that, was there something between you and

Rhonda?

Are you in the picture?

No. Good.

Call when you're ready.

Fred, Fred, you're a married man.

Bad enough you read every gossip column in the world, do you have to believe

them? Where there's smoke, there's fire.

So suppose you had a little thing going with Rhonda, will you forget it?

Sure, we can forget it, but Kenneth's wife, lovely Helen Lockwood, driven to

drink by the uncaring extramarital antics of Hollywood's most famous star?

Will you cut it out? That was Rona's biggest scoop.

Okay, let's go over the line. Get Griff's standard.

Get Griff's standard.

Excuse me just a moment, Oscar.

Talk to me now.

Look, if you're going to use Griff's standard, don't you think you ought to

Oscar's? He doesn't have a standard.

Oh, he doesn't have a standard.

What time does Mr. Madison have to be at work tomorrow?

Six o 'clock.

In the morning?

Oh, no, I don't like that. Look, I'm perfectly willing to work these things

reasonably with you people, but don't push Oscar Madison, the man, to lunatic.

One word and he goes like that.

He's a walking volcano.

The man slapped Fellini. What can I tell you?

He slapped Fellini.

Well, Mr. Unger, I think I understand.

I knew I could talk to you. Just let me make one telephone call to take care of

the whole thing.

While you're at it, it might be a good idea.

You get him a trailer. I think he'd like that. A trailer? Yeah.

Something nice.

Also, a golf cart. Take him to and from. I think that would be the right thing.

A golf cart.

Susan, get me that sports writer from Chicago.

I'm firing Madison.

You tell him.

Look, this is what they want me to wear. Tell them what you think.

What's the matter?

What's the matter? What is it?

Why am I fired? Oscar, you don't know this town.

Parole? Hollywood, the whole business.

I asked for a stand -in for you. I asked for a dressing room. I suggest that you

don't have to get up so early in the morning. I didn't care about those

Now you tell me!

The joke's really on that studio, isn't it?

They bring us all the way out here to California, all expenses paid, and then

they don't use us in the picture.

Look, there'll be other opportunities.

Why should we have regrets?

Look at the 12 new clothes I got.

Saw Doris Day's dog.

What would you be doing in New York now?

unchaining crazy Rhoda Zimmerman.

Look, I... I sense that you're a little down about this.

I can understand that. You're the kind of fellow who's easily depressed, but

don't let things bother you.

Bounce back.

Shrug them off. I do.

Come on, let's see a smile.

A grin.

A smirk.

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Time I go down to that studio and force their hand.

When I get through with them, you're not only going to have your part back, but

you're going to have another raise.

Fair enough?

Shake.

You got a deal.

A sports writer from Chicago was so glad he got the party dropped dead.

I gotta have Madison back. I got no choice.

Pam, send in Unger.

Now listen to me, J .B., and listen good.

Okay, Madison's back in the picture.

constructive criticism, J .B.? You need more backbone. You're a... You're pretty

much of a marshmallow, fella.

Let me roll all over you then.

I can tell you now, I was ready to squirm five more minutes and you'd have

me on my knees.

You've got a tough enough guy or people will walk all over you.

Will you get out of here?

I'll show them how it's done.

Places, everybody.

Great delay.

Grip, good luck in the sea.

Home wrecker.

Do you mind if I have my chair? If I do anything wrong, please let me know,

okay? Because it's all new to me. Oscar, you're going to be sensational.

We're ready for the mayor. Your Honor?

The mayor?

Yeah, the mayor of Perron.

He wouldn't give us a shooting permit, so I'll let him join the crew.

Your Honor?

Roll camera.

Muppet.

And action.

Tell us about your career, partner.

Now, Oscar, don't rush the line.

Take your time.

Start from the beginning. We're still rolling.

Don't be nervous. Don't be nervous.

Take it easy.

Tell us about your career, Felix.

See, it's your fault. From the beginning.

Tell us about your career, slugger.

Well, it all started when I... Ow!

Oh, stop!

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to step on it. I stepped on it. I'm sorry. He tripped you? All

right, I... No trip.

Art the Preacher did that to Shirley Temple.

Gentlemen, if we can, from the top, we're still rolling.

Tell us about your career, slugger.

Well, it all started when I tried out for the minor league team.

The Fort Worth Blues.

How old were you then?

I was 17.

And how old are you now?

22.

Well, I was very green then, but I finally made the team. I made the team,

It must have been quite a struggle.

Oh, it was.

It was a real struggle.

Hand me my shirt, will you, please?

You saved that scene. The scene needed a laugh.

You added three feet. Three moves. You go rest, baby. You loosen up and rest.

I've talked to the biggies.

What are we going to do?

J .B., this is impossible.

No, no, no. He'll get the hang of it. Did you get somebody else?

No, don't do that. I don't want to postpone the scene. We're all fed up

you replace him, it has to be here and now. No, don't. Please. I beg of you.

He'll get good. We've got an hour to get another actor up here from L .A.

But, gee, I wish we had somebody here who could... Step in who knew the lines.

I do.

What? I know all the lines.

You can try it. Okay. Try it.

Oscar!

Yeah?

Baby, you're out of the flick.

What happened?

They're going for a younger man.

I fought like a banshee for you, but they wouldn't listen to me.

Who'd they get to replace me?

Give me your hat and your pad and wish me luck.

Tell me about your career, Slugger.

Well, it all started when I tried out for this team, the minor league team,

Worth Blues.

Fort Worth?

Yeah. That's in Texas.

Hot wind.

Bleeding sun.

How old were you then?

I was 17.

A boy in a man's game.

It was a struggle, yeah. You grew up in a grimy little cabin in the middle of

the Texas panhandle.

No heat, no food.

For breakfast, you had to suck on a piece of cactus.

You never had a toy to play with. You never had a pair of brown and white

You never even took violin lessons.

But you knew that you wanted to play baseball.

You couldn't afford any equipment.

So you made a catcher's mitt out of a satin pillow reed.

Greetings from Yellowstone Post.

acting I've ever seen in my entire life, and I appreciate it. But it worked. I

told you Unger had a plan. I killed the hour. Now they've got to use you. You

know, I can't figure you out.

One minute you're driving me up the wall, the next minute you do a crazy,

beautiful thing like this. You're a worse pimp than Crazy Rhoda.

Well, don't spread it around that I'm a nice guy. It'll kill me in the business.

Here you go, baby.

All yours.

Take a break.

Madison? Yeah? Out of the way, please.

Who's going to play the reporter?

None of your business.

I dreamed the movie came out and you were such a smash in it. They put your

handprint in Grauman's Chinese. I never got in the picture, remember? I know, I

know, but I won't rest until I see your handprint.