Original subtitles

Well, Hurley, we won one game apiece. Next week, we play for the championship.

Yeah, okay, okay. So you got lucky tonight.

We've been champs for five years, and we'll still be champs after next week.

Yeah, you want to lay a little bet on that?

$25 a man? Make it 50. You got yourself a deal.

Come on, sucker.

You're never going to win $50 unless you take bowling lessons.

Me? You bowed rotten five times. You tripped over your lucky laces.

Yeah, but one of those times I got a strike.

So what? It didn't count. Your nose went over the foul line.

Fellas, you're bickering.

Vinnie, you bowed worse than usual if that's possible.

Thank goodness we got you. You're bowling like a champ. You're terrific.

What about you? You bowled a rotten game.

You'd be absolutely worthless if you didn't know how to jimmy the coffee

machine. Fellas, I don't like this. No, don't concern yourself with any of this

here. Put your shoes, please, in your bowling shoes. Go ahead, buddy.

Now, look, if we're going to beat these guys, we've got to practice every night,

right? Oh, I can't tomorrow night, Oscar. My kid's in the school health

He's playing a decayed goof.

What's more important, Murray?

Bowling or watching your kid rot?

Well, he already shaved.

He shaved part of his head and painted it brown. I gotta go.

Oh, he'll understand.

It's a championship.

Come on, what do you say? Oscar, the man wants to watch his little boy. You're

concerning yourself again. Don't do that. Let the captain take care of that,

huh? What do you say, Murray?

Okay, you can count on me. Good boy. We're gonna win the championship and do

trophy. To the trophy. To the trophy. And to the guy who's gonna win it for

A star bowler and high roller Felix Zunga. Put your hand right there, buddy.

Don't look at me. I'm quitting the team.

You're quitting?

You're a star bowler. You can't do that. I just did.

Why?

I'm sick and tired of all this fighting and yelling. That's why.

What's yelling?

Your bowling used to be four swell guys getting together for an evening of fun.

We still have fun. Will you shut up, Murray? Let me handle it.

We still have fun. All this pressure to win, win, win.

It's like Little League.

All you know is winning. That's not healthy.

Losing is healthy.

You feel that strongly about it. Okay, next season you're going to drop off the

team. Why would you? And the last week before the final, why would you withdraw

then? You know how much this means to me. And besides, you got $50 a man

on your golden... Another point. What? You're betting entirely too much money.

don't like it. I'm hanging up my ball.

I'm through.

That's it?

That's it.

And you're not going to change your mind? No, I'm not. I'm through.

Okay, fellas, I guess that's it. Let's go.

Just like that?

No hard feelings? Why should there be no hard feelings? Until you and Thomas...

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

All right.

I get the point.

Good.

Not exactly a dummy, you know.

It's one of the world's best -kept secrets.

I think we should talk about this, Oscar.

Don't you?

After all, we've learned to talk to the Russians.

We've learned to talk to the Chinese.

Can't we talk to each other?

You gonna bowl in the finals?

No. Then go talk to the Chinese.

I told you why I quit your stupid bowling team.

It's a matter of principle.

I do it again. My principles mean a lot to me. Well, look at this.

That's for your principles. You understand that?

Come in.

Boy, are you crude.

El crudo.

La creme de la crude.

You think that's crude? I'm going to show you. You want to see crude?

any place that contains me and my fist.

Now go to your room. You don't frighten me. Did you hear what I said? Go to your

room. Did you hear what I said? You don't frighten me. Go to your room.

I don't have to take this.

I'm going to my room.

You guys having a fight?

Still want ball, huh?

Oscar, that's real bad. He's telling me?

Yeah, I just spoke to Herlihy. He said no substitutes for Felix.

We'll do what they do anyway.

We don't need a substitute. We need Felix.

Well, then we better just forfeit the trophy. We're not going to forfeit

nothing. I'm going to get him to bowl on a team.

You're going to keep dancing at the coffee table?

He says he doesn't like winning. He says he doesn't like competition.

I'm going to show him what life is like without competition.

How? Well, you know our poker game tomorrow night?

When I get through with him, he's going to beg us to come back on the team.

Yeah, and we won't let him.

Get out, Murray.

Come on, Phoenix, sit down. I started the game. I put you in.

Oh, thank you very much.

Always try to use your coasters, fella.

Murray,

I'll take two.

Two for my friend Marie.

Why, thank you, Oscar.

You're entirely welcome, I'm sure.

Vinnie. If it's not too much trouble, one, please.

Why would it be any trouble if a friend of mine won for you, sir?

Felix. Two? Two for my roomie and three for the dealer.

Okay, I guess, Felix, you have to bet because, oh, you've got three queens,

only got a pair of eights.

Beats me, I've got king high.

Walking on. Almost a straight foot.

I guess we're going to have to try to bluff you. What's going on here? What is

this? Well, we're all friends.

There are no secrets among friends.

How can anybody win this? Win?

What's to win?

Come on, you want to win? No.

Vinnie. I hate to win.

All right.

I'm in.

I'll see you and I'll raise you two.

I'll see you and you and raise you two.

And I'll raise you all two.

I see it.

Okay, what do you got?

I've got three queens. Three queens!

Now we'll have to divide this all. No, I win. Oh, no, no, no. There's no

competition here.

We start even again, please. That's ridiculous.

Isn't it?

Oh, I get it. Now you understand?

Yes.

You all conspired to humiliate me.

And you succeeded.

So to retaliate, I'm going to bed.

And you each owe me 75 cents.

Well, Oscar, have you got any other bright ideas?

No, that's it. I'm up.

Boy, it's always something. Every time we get to the finals, something happens

to Felix.

Remember last year, the softball playoffs?

He got locked into John in his own studio.

Yeah, and remember the year before that? He didn't show up for the bridge

tournament? He didn't, did he? No.

Don't you remember?

He was photographing some babies and he got a diaper rash?

Yeah, every year.

Every year it's something. Every year. Hey, wait a minute, fellas.

You're right. Every year it is something.

And I think I know what it is. I guarantee you he is going to vote for

Felix!

Felix!

What's he going to do now?

I don't know. I'm still trying to figure out why we bet against three queens.

Felix, go away. I'm getting ready for bed.

Felix, can we talk man to man?

We're one short.

I'm going to let that pass because I want to help you. I just figured out

problem is psychological.

Don't try to analyze me, Buster.

I'm too deep.

Felix, listen to what I'm trying to say. I'm talking about now.

You've got what I call the chicken complex.

Oh, the chicken complex.

Oh, that's very interesting, doctor.

Please elaborate.

Tell me all about it.

Don't make fun of it. I'm telling you, you are afraid to bowl in the finals.

Afraid? Yeah.

Me? Yeah.

First off the barge is Anthony O 'Afraid.

Felix, every time you get in a win -lose pressure situation, your mind tries to

figure out a way to get out of it.

Bushwa.

I'm also going to let that pass because I don't know what it means.

Did you remember when you were going to propose to Gloria?

Right? The last minute you got so scared you got laryngitis, I had to propose

for you? Well, getting married is a paralyzing situation.

No, no. Please, no.

That was your ninth inning. That was your 18th hole.

Every time you have to face your moment of truth, you avoid it by running away

or getting hurt.

You mean like in high school when I finally got a date with Wild Wendy

I got a cold sore?

It's all my stupid... No, no, don't do that. You'll hurt your bowling arm.

Oh, Oscar.

I'm going to lick this thing. All right.

I'll bowl. We'll start tomorrow night. I'm going to practice. We're going to

win. I'm going to tell the fellas. Oscar.

What? I can't bowl.

My back just went out.

Are you crazy? You stand straight as an arrow.

No, no, it's in your mind. No, no, think up, up, up. No, no, no, no. In your

mind, say up, up. No, I'm not going to bend. I'm going to go up. No, up, up.

mind says up. The mind says up, up.

I couldn't see the top of the dough.

The eggs are dripping.

Where's the salt?

I talked to Dr.

Melitz. He said the only way to get you out of this pain is to make you realize

it's all in your mind. Oh, don't give me any of that analyst jazz. This is real.

I'm in pain.

Certified pain.

It's no matter how much you whine. I'm not whining. Or cry.

I'm not crying.

I'm not going to let you do this to yourself. I'm going to get on your back

until you straighten up.

Buddy, don't you see it's because I want to help you?

Oh, thanks,

buddy.

I'll get the ketchup.

It stretches my spine so I can relax.

Hey, now I know who you remind me of up there.

Who? Howdy doody.

Very funny.

I've got to clean this ceiling.

Can you get me something to read?

How about a suspense story?

Oh, just hanging around.

In this day of rockets to the moon, jets, Teflon, you're bringing

me a belief healer?

I know it sounds wild, but Murray has seen him work. He'll vouch for it. Who's

going to vouch for Murray?

Where did he find this miracle man?

In jail.

Where? In jail.

In jail?

Yeah, but he's innocent. It was a trumped -up charge. What charge?

I don't know. Something about fraud. Oh, my.

Oh, please.

I swear, Murray says this guy's terrific. He saw him straighten out

in two days.

You think being locked up with no booze may have had something to do with it?

Details, those details. Come in.

Hi, everybody.

Say hello to Arnold.

Hi, Arnold. The man on the couch.

Bad back, huh? Don't touch me.

I have to charge you if I'm going to heal you.

Heal, heal. Stand up straight.

I can.

Concentrate.

Do you feel the power within you?

Well, I'll give you my best shot then. Good night.

That's his best shot?

I was not one of your pushy heroes.

You either feel his power or you don't. Felix didn't. Well, it was worth a try.

A man couldn't heal chapped lips.

Come on, Felix. Put on your coat, please.

Oscar, I'm not a quitter.

Honestly, this time I really don't think it's in my mind. I know you can do it.

Look, we'll work hard. We'll practice next year. We'll make the finals. You

know, what's going to happen next year? You're going to get a cold sore, a

stubbed toe. You're going to hang there.

Your sarcasm is wasted.

Hey, come on. You guys ready?

Yes, when you... When the going gets tough, the tough get going.

And the quitter stays home and whines.

Good luck, fellas.

What, to get killed?

Yeah, what chance have we got with just the three of us playing tonight?

Hi, fellas.

Hey. Hey, Madison. I'm sorry you're going to have to wait until after the

to collect your money. Yeah, it may not be so easy.

I'm a man short myself.

Clem will pick today of all days to get married.

Hey, congratulations, Clem. Thanks, Murr. Yeah, they're leaving right away

her honeymoon. He can't bowl.

What's he doing here?

I don't know. He came down to wish us luck. He's wishing you luck.

Would you let me substitute for him if I let you substitute for Under?

Okay, I'll take out Riley. Oh, no fair. Riley's practically a pro. I was going

to use Eddie Collins.

I'll tell you what. Let me have Riley. I'll let you have Collins and Joey

Bellows. Are you kidding? Bellows stinks.

You can use Riley if you use Bellows. And then I'll use Collins and Harrelson.

Harrelson? Billy or his brother Fred? Billy. Oh, no. Billy's too good.

I mean, if you're going to use Harrelson, Collins, and Smith, then let

Riley, Austin, and Austin's cousin Dougie. Then I'll play Bellows.

You mean...

If I use Harrison, Collins, and Smith, you're going to use Riley, Austin,

Dougie, and Beller. Yeah. Deal. Deal.

Okay. Oscar.

He's right.

About what?

None of us have been in the game.

So what? My team isn't either.

Hey, then why play each other? No, that's no deal. Look, we got three guys

playing. You got three guys you're playing. That's right.

A quitter.

doesn't feed the Admiral's cat.

I'm sorry, Clemble.

Looks like you're going to have to ball. Yeah, but what about... You can leave

right after the game. We didn't even stay for the reception.

Sorry, we need him.

Sorry, honey, I gotta stay.

But Frank... Well, we'll catch you later, Plano. But Frankie... It's just

game.

He missed!

Nine pins, two balls, and we're the champs. Nine pins if anybody can do it.

can do it. We've been waiting for this, baby. There you go.

Here we are.

Nine pins.

Shh!

You got another ball, remember?

One ball, one pin. If anybody can do it, you can, buddy. This is the

championship. Five years we waited. One pin, one ball.

Don't you let us down. I know you can do it. I'm glad.

You're playing like a champ. Go get him, baby.

What happened? What's the matter?

I'm back.

You're back? Let me help you. Let me help you.

supposed to be having fun.

What would be so terrible about a tie?

Look what wanting to win has done to us all.

My best friend doesn't care if I'm crippled for life.

Clemble ran out on his own wedding.

He stayed here bowling while his bride was almost picked up twice at the bar.

Murray walked off his beat. His cousin Seymour, a jeweler, is patrolling

Park.

Aren't you ashamed of yourself?

a tremendous lesson about myself today.

The subconscious mind can make a man do amazing things.

I learned a lot about myself.

I hope you learned something, too.

The obsessive need to win can drive a man crazy.

There's nothing so

degrading, so dehumanizing as to see a man sacrifice his last

shred of dignity just to win.

Jim. No, no, no. I wanted this. No, no, no. I didn't mean to describe this. I

didn't describe this. No, you see this. You see this.