Original subtitles

Hi, Marie.

Hi, Sam.

How come you got a sign in the front door, use the service door?

For the same reason I'm typing in the kitchen. Felix shampooed the rug, it's

still wet.

I can't even get to my room, I'm a prisoner in here.

Where do you go?

I use the Benjamins apartment.

Here's the first two pages for the column, all right? I'll be finished with

other one in a second.

What's it about, water polo?

It's a magazine.

Oh, it's your Playboy, it came in the mail.

Why'd you bring it in?

So you could read it.

I have it sent to the office for a reason.

Why? You're not married.

Will you listen to me? If I have it sent to the office, that's what I want.

Hi, folks.

Merida. Merida, why doesn't he want this in the house?

What? Doesn't he want what?

What do you got here?

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

I told you I never want that rag in this house. I tried to warn you. It was too

late.

What do you got against the magazine? Everything.

Never bring it back here again. Do you understand that? Do you understand me?

All right, all right.

Hey,

look what I found in the hall.

Hubba hubba hubba.

Policemen on duty.

Hey, finders, keepers, losers, weepers.

Don't forget, the floor's wet.

Boy, it's all the times I let him ride in my quad car. Next time, he's just

behind the cage.

Why does he got against the magazine?

Oh, it goes way back to when I used to work for Playboy.

How come you got fired?

What makes you think I got fired? Who would quit?

That was my first job in New York. I used to write copy and things like that.

The magazine was just beginning.

But Felix couldn't get started as a photographer, see? He wanted to marry

Gloria, but he couldn't get enough money. This is going to be a long story,

Murray.

Maybe you'll like it.

Anyway, one night he came to the apartment.

That's when it really was my apartment. Oh, it had that nice, lived -in look.

It's good.

Ties up.

Exactly even.

Felix. Oh!

I'm glad you came by, buddy. It's just a guy I want to see.

Not bad, huh?

Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.

No luck again today?

I got one call.

Old lady wanted me to photograph her parakeet, winking.

I said yes.

Then she told me she wouldn't be able to pay me.

She said she'd knit me an afghan, any color I chose.

I even agreed to that.

And she said it would take over a year and a half because of her arthritis.

I don't know. I may turn it down.

I'm telling you, turn it down.

I need the sweater.

Black to match my future.

Never going to have enough money to marry Gloria. Sure you will. I'm trying

tell you your troubles are over. I got your job today.

Really? Yeah.

When? What?

My boy magazine. The same one I'm working for. I showed the art director

pictures. I want to tell you, he flipped. He says you're very talented. I

I'm really good, Oscar. Oh, you're such a good friend. Thank you, Oscar. You

don't have to thank me.

It was your pictures that convinced him. Really? Yeah.

My talent got me the job.

I don't have to thank you. Yes, you do. I also got Gloria a job.

Doing what? Cocktail waitress.

Cocktail waitress?

Well, it's a UF Miss Club. The magazine has its own club. I mean, it's a classy

joint. But tell me about me. What do I do? When do I start? You start right

away. You have to do some tests for Miss April.

I don't understand.

Well, you take pictures of six nudes, and they choose one to be Miss April in

the centerfold, see?

Nudie cuties?

You're not going to be nervous about that, are you?

No, I'm not nervous.

Listen, you know me. Easy Unger, Mr. Party Guy.

You're Mr. Party Guy?

I'm certainly not one of your...

Pressed Victorian squares? I'm an artist. I hang loose.

You shat nudes before then, huh?

Millions. Oh.

Well, come on. Let's go out and celebrate, huh?

I got a better idea. Let's do something really great.

Let's clean this room.

Are you kidding?

We're going to go out and celebrate. We're going to go to the club. We're

to drink a few drinks. We're going to see Gloria. We're going to laugh a lot.

It's going to be a ball.

You know, I like this room better in the dark.

Nice, huh?

Yes, I must admit, I'm very impressed. This is very lovely indeed.

Tastefully, feeling.

Only human. I know. It's a very, very pleasant place. I'm glad Gloria has such

nice job. Good. That's why I wanted to see it.

Hello. I'm your bunny, Gloria.

Who?

Shame, shame, Gloria. Naughty, naughty Gloria. Come here.

Hey, please.

Would you explain these are my working clothes? Yeah, that's part of her

costume.

I think she looks kind of cute. Oh, you do? Don't look like that. Don't look

like that.

Oh, Gloria, what have they done to you? You look so brazen, don't they? She

looks like everybody else in the club. All the girls you would mind on the way

to the table. Don't compare my Gloria to those animals.

Sit down so they don't... Please, I have got to get back to work.

Will you?

You weren't upset by the other bunnies. I'm not engaged to the other bunnies.

I hate this place. I hate it. All right, all right. You hate it.

You watch yourself, pervert!

I don't care what you tell him. Turn in your tail. Get out of here. Come on.

Please, I've got to get back to work.

I'm going to lose my mind.

I'm going to work for this organization.

All you have to do is do a good job, get successful, marry Gloria, then she'll

quit.

Does she have to bend over so much when she serves?

Gloria, do you have to bend all the way over like this? Do you have to go like

this, sir, like this?

Miss Hilton, I'm sorry I got you in this trouble. If you don't like it, why

don't you quit?

Because I need the job. You can't have it both ways.

All right.

I'm adjusting.

I'm fine. I'm fine.

We'll order champagne and toast New York's best young photographer, Spencer

Benedict. Who's that?

That's me.

You don't think I'm going to use my real name for nudies?

That looks just lovely.

That's just perfect, perfect.

Now, Julia, could you make the pose just a little bit more languorous? You know

what I mean? A little more feel -good. Put your hand behind your head. Oh, come

on, will you, Peter?

But you're good. You're good.

You're helping me.

Nobody will understand you. Why?

In a few minutes, you're going to be shooting six beautiful girls nude.

cool as a cucumber. Well, this is my job. I'm like a doctor. Just technical

problems to me. The color, the composition, all that.

Well, Oscar, I want to thank you very, very much. You've been very kind. Lend

your pad.

They didn't want a studio job. They wanted this. It's just right, though.

The girl's going to be here soon, so I think the time has come when you

should... What's the matter, boy?

That short throat, I tell you, it's moist out there.

Throat, my foot. I know what you want, you dirty guy. You want to stand around

and ogle the girl. You can't do it. I'll be okay. I'll sit here, I'll behave,

I'll be fine, honestly.

What am I going to tell the girls? Don't pay any attention to that man in the

corner. He's harmless. His tongue is always hanging out like that.

that? How often does a guy get a chance to get him on the ground floor or

something like this?

Be the boyfriend.

The what?

Whatever they do with the story about a playmate. They always have the boyfriend

along. They're running together. They're skiing together. They play horse.

You're going to be the same boyfriend for all six girls? No, I'm going to pick

one. You're not the type for that. That's the swinging bachelor type.

Suave debonair. What am I?

Chopped liver?

At best. You never saw me in my suave debonair outfit.

Out! Out!

I didn't want to have to say this, but you see, if you don't let me stay...

Then I'm not going to let you use my apartment.

Well put.

You got it.

Now what do I tell the girls?

You're here to write the captions.

She skis. She's a philosophy major. She wants to be a policewoman. Typical girl

next door.

Okay.

Hello.

Hi, Brenda Martin. Hello, Brenda Martin. I'm Spencer Benedict.

Now, when you can go back and change in just a minute, tell me about yourself.

Are you a dancer or are you a model?

I'm a dancer. Uh -huh. Good. Have you done this kind of work before?

Hello, my dear.

Hello. I've got my eye on you.

Thank you. Good night. Bye -bye.

Will you tell me what you're doing?

What was all that heel -clicking, the hand -kissing? You told me to be a

gentleman. Have you no...

Conscience whatsoever? Is there no end to your chicanery?

You told one girl you're an exiled polo player.

You told another you lost your eye in a duel.

You told that girl you're a Romanian prince.

You're not going to believe this. A lot of people take me for Romanian.

Yeah.

Pastrami lovers.

That must be the sixth.

Hello, my... Oh, hi, Gloria. Come on in. Hi.

working today. Yeah, well, we'll have another hour, so we have another girl

coming. I know. I'm the other girl.

I'm the main one.

You're shaming me.

She's taking off her clothes back there. I don't know what to do.

She says if I don't take the picture, somebody else will.

When do we stop? Oh, come on. What am I supposed to do?

I'll use photographic tricks.

I'll superimpose the Eiffel Tower over it and call her Miss April in Paris.

Why don't you shoot her with all her clothes on and call her April Fool?

I could make her Miss December.

A Santa suit. She's carrying the sack in front of her. Will you stop being...

I'm ready. I'm coming out. No, no. Don't come out. Not yet. Not yet. Come on.

Come on. Let's go. I live here.

Out. Amscray. All right. Let me change my jacket. I'm not going back there.

on. Where am I going to go? I don't know. Wherever exiled one -eyed Romanian

polo players go.

All right. I'll go see half a movie.

work here, remember? What are you doing here? I'm supposed to meet the art

editor. Al Fisher.

Show him my pictures. Hey, how'd they turn out?

Nice, nice.

What about Gloria's shots?

Overexposed.

Hey, now, you didn't cop out with that April in Paris bit, did you? No, she

wouldn't let me. She's totally unencumbered. Oh, yeah? Let me see. No,

chance. We're not gonna use Gloria anyway.

Why not?

She's got a mole on her knee.

Who cares about a mole on her knee? They want them perfect. Oh, they don't want

them that perfect.

Oh,

hi, Al.

How are you? Nice to see you. This is our art director, Al Fisher.

This is Felix Unger.

How do you do? How do you do? Sit, sit, sit.

You've got the picture for me, right? Yes, yes, there you are. Good, good. Let

me see.

Sit back. Oh, come on.

Nice, nice, nice,

nice.

Where's the sixth one?

Sixth one? Oh, yeah.

You wouldn't like that one. It turned out badly. I'll be the judge of what is

good. Please, you're contracted for six, give him six, will you? You're not

going to like it. It's no good. It's a total worthless waste. I was going to

throw it away.

You want this?

We artists always hide our failures.

Will you sit?

Oh, I just... She's beautiful.

Let me look at her in the light.

Here, let me look at her, too. Will you bug off? You two, mister, mind your own

business.

Oh, yeah, let me see them all. At least I know your papers.

Felix, this is Miss April.

I think you're making a mistake. I really do.

I got another one in here that's... All five are better, as a matter of fact.

Well, if you want a third opinion, let me see... You're not going to see this

picture. Why not?

Everybody's going to see it in April. No, they're not. You can't print this

picture. Why not?

Because. Because why?

Because.

Because it's a fake.

This picture is actually of Oscar's doorman, Bud Downey Young.

It's amazing what you can do with an airbrush. I'm so ashamed of myself. Come

on, give me that. No, you're not going to print that. No, you're not. Over my

dead body. You can torture me.

You've got a contract, Mr. Unger. I'm sorry.

I'll sue you.

I'll sue your head off.

I will, too. I'll sue him. How are you going to assume it's a big corporation

that got the best lawyers in the world? I'll get the biggest lawyer in the

country, Melvin Belli. He's the only one who can do it. He wouldn't touch it.

Who needs him? I'll do it myself.

You don't have a case, Gloria? What's the picture printed? Oh, who listens to

anything a girl who walks around nude says?

I always have.

Be ready. I'm going to put you on the stand as a character witness.

Order, please.

The case of Felix Unger suing the Hugh Hefner Corporation.

Are you both satisfied with the jury?

We are, Your Honor.

Eminently satisfied, Your Honor.

How are you, Frank? How are you?

And a big hello to Sister Evangeline of the Salvation Army. You do good work,

wonderful work.

Please, Mr. Arnold, when we recess, why don't you just give each juror an apple?

Do you still want to handle your own case? Yes, Your Judgeship, I do.

Very well.

You may begin, Mr. Hoffman.

Oh, thank you, Your Honor.

I'll be brief.

Objection, Your Honor.

On what grounds?

My esteemed colleague is attempting to prejudice the jury by being brief,

thereby insinuating that I will be lengthy and boring.

Objection overruled.

Thank you, Your Honor.

It's an open and shut case.

He really has no grounds to sue us.

Mr. Felix Unger signed a legal contract with Hugh Hefner Corporation to supply

us with six subjects.

He has only supplied us with five, and he has refused to allow us to print the

sixth.

Now then, I would like to enter into evidence this contract Mark has

May I see this, please?

Hmm.

You're building a case on this?

Look at this, Jura.

This is what he's building a case on. He thinks he's got a case.

Is this the contract?

Yes.

Is this your signature? Yes.

A heck of a case.

Legal minds may differ, but it is our contention, Your Honor, that I find this

mere scrap of paper under emotional duress.

He was under no duress.

Balderdash!

Paul is our first and only witness to the stand, Mr.

Oscar Madison.

He's going to put my best friend on the stand.

He thinks it's going to do him super.

You blew it, buddy. You had me on that contract business

and you didn't know it. Now you blew it. Mr. Madison, were you present when Mr.

Unger signed this contract?

Yes, I was.

And would you please tell the court exactly what was his reaction to this?

Well, it would be difficult for me to say. Oh, well, now, come, Mr. Madison.

I'm sure you can remember.

Tell us, how did he act?

Well, he threw his hat up in the air and yelled yippee.

Yelled what?

Yippee.

Yippee. Well, no further questions, Your Honor. Your witness.

Playboy magazine. I beg your pardon, what, what?

Playboy magazine.

Ah, well, well, well.

And how long did you think you could keep that from us?

I wasn't trying to keep anything from you. Your Honor, this man is obviously a

stooge of management.

A corporation puppet.

One of those little gray men you see skulking through the halls of any giant

cartel.

faceless men without scruples trying to claw their way to the top.

I think I speak for this entire court when I say you make

Defense rest, Your Honor.

Mr. Unger, you may present your case.

You will not find me unprepared, Your Honor.

I have contrived what I consider to be an uncompetitive case.

I will cite legal ethics, moral standards, ladies,

publishing precedent,

In order that the court may judge what sort of man stands here alone before me,

I will call to the stand as a character witness, Oscar Madison.

You make me sick!

No further questions.

evidence. Give me a break, Your Honor. This is my fiancée. I don't want to talk

to you.

Please, Mr. Unger, we don't whine in court.

How would you feel if a national magazine printed a naked picture of your

A maid!

It's your problem, not mine.

Now, now, Mr.

Unger, the law is the law.

If the photo were obscene, you might have an argument. It is. I know. I took

I'm an obscene photographer.

of contention. Bring me the photograph.

No, I'd rather not.

What?

Do I have a choice?

Yes. You can bring me the picture or be cited for contempt.

Some choice.

Let the jury know. No, no, please don't. The bailiff. Even

the bailiff gets to see it.

I love sports stories like that.

Am I interrupting something?

I got a message you wanted to see me. Excuse me, girls. I've been looking all

over for you. Where you been?

Walking. Where? Where?

Walking.

Walked. I walked.

I kept thinking about April.

April used to be my most favorite month.

Spring house cleaning.

April showers bring May flowers.

Are you still feeling sorry? In April, we have 15 million people. 30 million

eyes are going to be stabbed.

they're gonna think.

Woman who told me when I was a kid if I read National Geographic, I'd go blind.

You Hefner? Feel it someday.

This is Hugh Hefner. You think a big man like that could afford a jacket? He's

been very anxious to meet you. What does he want of me now? My well -built aunt

from Cleveland?

Will you sit down and hold it? Let the man talk to you? He'll tell you.

Well, Felix, I just got back from London and I heard about your problem.

You've come to gloat?

No, I think you're kind of funky.

Even though we won the suit, I don't force people to publish their work.

We'll find someone else for Miss April.

You're going to give me my picture back?

Mole and all.

Thank you. Thank you. You're a wonderful man. You look good without a jacket.

Who's going to be Miss April?

I think we're going to use one of Felix's other pictures. You know, you're

really quite a good photographer.

But a lousy lawyer.

in many respects, you're civilized. I like that. Can I call you Hap?

Mr. Hap.

Gee,

Oscar, that was a great story.

I was totally...

whole sordid episode, huh?

One thing still confuses me. What?

If Mr. Hefner was so nice to you, why are you still angry at him?

Well, can't you imagine the embarrassment I went through?

Two of those jurors called Gloria for years after we were married.

The judge still writes to her.

Bill, there's one thing that just eats at me. What's that?

Before I got that negative back from the magazine, some white baker up there

made ten copies of that picture.

I got nine of them back.

I won't rest till I find that tenth one.