Original subtitles

We're good.

We're good. When we were in college. I think we're better. We're good. Hey,

Felix. Thanks for letting me sit in with your old gang. Hey, too bad Oscar isn't

here. He would like to sit in, too.

Oscar? Yeah, he told me he played bass drum with his high school band.

That's amateur stuff. We're pros.

Well, for an old college band, you sure sound professional.

Well, we could have been. We were almost on Arthur Godfrey's talent, Scott. What

happened? Well, that was the week Arthur fired Julius La Rosa, and he was down

on all young talent.

I'll bet you could get on TV now.

I think that La Rosa thing has died down.

That's why I got you together, guys. I've got a sensational idea on how we

get on TV.

Well, what show do you mean?

Monty Hall.

Let's make a deal.

I can't blow this horn dressed up like a chicken.

He's got a new show.

Monty's Hall of Memories. Old nostalgia stuff. We can do our golden oldies.

Monty's gonna love it.

I'm gonna get Oscar to ask him.

Oscar? Oh, yeah, they're old friends. They were in college ROTC together.

Some people say that's what gave Hitler the courage to declare war.

Uh, excuse us, fellas, take five.

Murray, I'm the leader. Take three, guys.

Uh, Felix, uh, listen, uh, I didn't want to bring down the other cats, but, uh,

Oscar's mad at Monty. I mean, things are not copacetic between them.

What are you talking about? Well... Monty embarrassed him. Remember when you

guys were on Let's Make a Deal dressed up in that horse outfit?

Yeah. I was there. I wasn't embarrassed.

Yeah, you were playing the front of the horse.

Stroke of fate. Oscar wouldn't hold a grudge. That's months ago.

Okay, fellas, break's over. Come on. Let's work. Let's work.

Let's do my biggie.

My sure -standing ovation.

Okay, watch the monster now. And one, two.

Stumbling all around, stumbling all around, stumbling all around. So funny.

Stumbling here and there, stumbling everywhere. And I must declare, I

right on her toe.

And when she pulled my nose, I fell and pulled my rope. I fell and fell.

Talk to you for a minute. You like it? Like what? Yeah, nice, nice. Tell the

guys you like it. I like it, guys. He likes it.

Did you see the paper? No.

Hermione's show tonight. He's going to show film clips of when we were on Let's

Make a Deal. Oh, that's... As a horse.

Well, I think that's wonderful. My Aunt Cleveland didn't see it. Now she'll get

a chance to see it. I'm never going to talk to that Monty Hall again as long as

I live. Oscar, Oscar. You're a creep.

Well, what did I tell you, Felix?

Looks like no Monty Hall.

Leave it to the maestro. I can talk that man into anything.

I'm still living here, am I not?

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

Oscar! Come on, come on, mommy's almost gone. Come on, come on, come on.

You'll see the show, then you'll ask him to put our band on, won't you? How can

I ask a favor of a man I'm not going to talk to anymore? You'll send him a note.

Yeah, but it's attached to a rock.

Since we went on the air with Let's Make a Deal over ten years ago... What's

happened to you since then, Mrs. Ibernathy?

Oh, so many exciting things, Monty. You know, my husband and I still haven't

finished all those ice cream bars we won.

You're kidding.

No, we're building our summer home out of all those little sticks. Isn't that

nice? Thank you, Mrs. Ibernathy.

And now, as we promised you, we have some clips of memorable moments of the

ten years of Let's Make a Deal. Can we roll these, please?

Let's make a deal, Monty. Let's make a deal.

This horse is a nag.

You want to make another deal, all right. We'll take your $10.

That's Felix Unger. That was none other than Oscar Madison, sports writer for

the New York Herald.

Ain't life grand?

Two friends of mine try to get on the show in the horse's costume.

Oscar, what are you doing now, covering the races from the inside?

Come on out here. Let's take a look at you. Come on, Oscar. Might as well.

Keep your sense of humor.

What about my sense of dignity?

They tried to con me out of some money, but I zonked them. Oscar Madison, what

do you want to do? Keep the squid.

Do you, Jacques Cousteau?

Keep the squid. This is a trick. This is a trick.

Oh, come on. The audience loved it and Monty loved it. Go talk to him. I am

going to talk to him through my lawyer. You know I could sue him for putting

that on without getting my permission first.

I gave him permission.

That makes two guys I'm not talking to.

Didn't you think the color was good?

Did I watch the show?

Would I miss?

You know, door number one from door number three.

You'll never guess what's behind door number two.

Hi, Oscar.

Get out of here.

Well, I'll just leave you two alone and just go horse around.

Felix wasn't kidding, was he?

When did you talk to Felix? He called me this morning and told me how upset you

were about the show last night.

Really, Oscar, I'm surprised at you. Where's your sense of humor?

I believe that you can get mad over a thing like that. Yeah, well, we believe

different things, different ways of life, buddy. But you guys were funny.

it. You were funny. It was a good show and all in fun. Fun for you.

Come on. Good old Oscar. Put a saddle on him, you can take him anywhere.

Oh, boy.

You can dish it out, but you can't take it, huh? What do you mean, dish it out?

Well, think back to our college days.

You invited me to a masquerade party. It turned out to be a formal dinner for

the dean, and I show up in a gorilla suit, huh?

Yeah. That you like. I think that's where you got the idea, but let's make a

deal.

The main thing is that I did it, you laughed, and I forgave you. Yes, you

Even Steve, you're right. Okay, but no more. I don't want to see it on

television. Well, well, well, Mr.

Hall. Hello, Felix.

Monty the Muckraker, huh? You came down here to gloat over the man you

humiliated last night in front of millions of people. Felix, you told me

down here. Whatever, whatever.

Look, if you make fun of me, who cares? I'm an unknown photographer. But this

man, a respected journalist, a famous man, to strip him of his last shred of

dignity in front of the whole... Sun trees? Will you cut it out? It's all

You hear that?

It's all right.

There's a big man.

If you were as big as he, as compassionate, you'd try to do

power to make amends. You'd try to do something really classy like I... Like

what? Oh, put a friend of his on your TV show.

Phoenix, will you please?

It's not a bad idea, but I can do even better than that. You'll give his friend

the whole show?

No, better than that. You'll give his friend a TV series?

No. I'm going to put Oscar himself on my TV show. Oh, do you want to do a thing

like that? For what can he do? He's nothing.

You want to come on my show?

Look out for nothing, will you?

What do I do? Well, we're doing a college nostalgia bit, and we've been

collecting some old film clips of college football games. Who wants to see

film clips?

Yeah, and you can narrate the show and then do some of your sports stuff. You

can have a band. The band can play college songs. And because I know what

can do, I don't have to audition any of those crazy acts this week. You know, a

woman hitchhiked all the way down from Schenectady to show me how she plays

Ramona on top of her son's head.

Are the pressures really getting to me, Oscar? You've got to learn to relax.

You want to play softball with us tomorrow?

Yeah, I'd like to, very much. And after the game, come up to the apartment. I'll

make some snacks.

Come on, I'll buy you lunch. I want to tell you about the lunch. Hey, that's a

good idea.

Where are you going, guys?

Did you

make

three errors on the search?

at home with him. What is this? Oh, something broke down. We're having some

repairs. Everything broke down at the same time? You ever have a day like

Go get cleaned up before you eat. Come on, come on. Dirty as ball playwright.

Monty, sit down, relax.

Take a load off your cleats and enjoy a major snack.

Have a snack.

And a one, two.

Stumbling all around, stumbling all around, stumbling all around. So funny.

Stumbling here and there, stumbling everywhere. And I must declare, I

right on...

when she bumped my nose I fell and when I rose I felt ashamed and told her

that's the latest step that's the latest step that's the latest step my honey

notice all the best notice all the best notice all the best she said stop

mumbling though you are stumbling I like it just a little bit just a little bit

quite a little bit

they were going to pull a crazy stunt like this, I never would have asked you

over. Wait a minute, Oscar. They weren't too bad. You see?

He loved it.

He said you weren't too bad. There's a big difference.

Felix, if these guys aren't out of here before I finish dressing, I'm going to

tune your nose.

I don't believe what he said about me.

Crazy lovable guy. What do you say, buddy?

Can't you use the band on your show?

Yeah, that might work out. But you see, I'm overbooked for this. As a matter of

fact, I've got a comedian waiting three weeks to get on. Who wants to hear jokes

when they can listen to music? But I don't think that we can make the

from Oscar's sports stories into music. It's natural.

It's natural. It's what they call a segue in music. It's perfect. Don't you

it ties in because... No. It's Oscar's band.

It's what?

Yes. Oscar's band? Oscar doesn't play a musical instrument.

Oh, sure he does. And I've heard him sing. He's no singer. He plays drums,

sticks Madison. The guy's got a great beat.

Hey, that's funny.

I used to walk a great beat.

Do you want to listen to rotten jokes like that, or wouldn't you rather have

music?

Well, I'll tell you. Since it's Oscar's band, we could make the transition. Why

don't we ask him a question? No, no, no, no, no, no. Let me talk to him. The

guy's a little bit shy about his talent.

I thought he was just shy of talent.

Laugh it up, guys. It's his show.

You want to hear college marching songs, you're going to hear them from Oscar's

band. Football hero, guys.

You've got to be a football hero.

to get along with the beautiful gals. You gotta be a touchdown getter, you

If you wanna get somebody to bet, the fact that you are rich or handsome won't

get you any...

that what's under it?

Something that dropped.

I got Miriam a birthday present.

Yeah? What'd you get her? A purse.

Why don't you want me to know what's under the sheet? Breakfast is ready.

Soft -boiled egg? You know, I like scrambled.

Well, have a little variety in your life. You always have scrambled. Less

cholesterol. At least you're gonna crack the shell for me.

You do that. It's part of the fun.

Hey!

That's good!

That's good.

The way you hit that egg, it had something. It set my toes to tapping.

this? Yeah.

a certain natural animal rhythm to it. Try hitting the glass.

Yeah, yeah. More, more.

Oh, that's really good. Makes me want to dance.

Admit it, though. You used to be a great drummer. What great drummer? I had a

bass drum twice a song.

But you never lost. I never had it.

Talent will out. How would you like to be a member of the Unger Five Plus None?

Come on, now. I hit a glass with a spoon. You want me to be a drum in your

I'm... I'm not kidding. If you had a real set of drums to practice on and

someone... Yeah, where would I get a real set of drums?

Whoa!

It's not a purse. It's not a purse.

Come over here, sit down. Let's just see how young you look. Look how he picks

up those sticks like a duck to water. I can just see it all. Give me a drum

roll. One drum.

Before Tim Pantastic. What? What was that where Monty can see him? What was

that?

Can't fool the fox, can I?

Monty said if it was your band, we could go on his show.

That's why I couldn't have scrambled eggs, eh? Well, I had to do something.

It wasn't for me. It's for the guys. They wanted so much. What could I do? I

would like to help you, but listen to me. I cannot play the drums. It's a

natural instinct, playing the drums. You ever seen a baby in a restaurant

banging the table with a spoon? It's so annoying.

Exactly what I'm afraid of. I'll be so annoying. You're not a baby. You'll bang

better than that. You'll have five guys around to cover for you. I'll teach you.

It's going to be easy. Oh, I haven't had my breakfast.

Musicians are always better when they're hungry. Sit down. You know that song

that sort of features the drummer?

Okay, let's wail.

You'll come in on the break, okay?

And... Come in on the break.

at once. Do you know how high the moon?

That's close enough. All right, here we go.

And... It's too loud.

Try the brushes.

Ready?

And... I

think your problem is you're trying to show off,

you see.

Use just one brush.

One brush? Yeah.

Here we go.

It's too complex for you, isn't it?

I told you I wasn't a drummer. You didn't tell me how much you're not a

Hold on a minute, buddy. You were the one who said I'd be a great asset to the

band. You were the one that said I had rhythm. Somewhere between the egg and

drums, you lost it. Okay, so let's forget it. No, no, we've got to do this.

I know. Wait, sit down, sit down. Take your brushes. Here, you up here. Now,

softly make a sort of... Stop it.

Stop it.

I'm not playing anything.

Exactly.

Now, you move around a bit. Move the body.

That's it.

That's it. Give it the eye. Move your mouth.

That's it.

We'll have an off -stage drummer cover for you.

It's pretty good on TV.

He's been on 15 minutes. When's he going to introduce the band? He will.

And that's the only time that a college football game has ever been called off

because of a volcano.

That's a funny story. Oh, I got a million of them.

We know, we know.

Oh, but I do have a sideline that not many people do know about.

It's this little musical group that I sort of put together.

You gotta hear this one from the beginning. This is one of the funniest

I hope I can tell it right.

It was slow down.

And we'll have more of these stories right after these commercial messages.

How much time left on the show?

Only two minutes. Only two minutes. Gee, we ran long, but those stories were so

great. Oh, I didn't mean to talk that long. Once I get started, I can't...

do we go on?

It looks like we're not going to be able to work the band in.

What?

Just one of those things. We ran overtime.

Oh, boy, what a jet!

You sure there wasn't enough time, Mike? No, the, uh... We have the commercial

messages that I sing my song and that's it? Well, there's no problem. We can do

our song instead.

No, the format is that I get to sing my song last. Oh, there must be some way.

Please, Monty.

Well, maybe we could get the band to play behind me. Yeah, yeah, and you and

will do a duet.

A duet? Yeah. Don't get pushy. Monty sings alone.

Yeah. Well, if I don't go, the band doesn't go.

Right, guys?

You've got to step aside for the good of the band. I'll play the trumpet.

Cut out. You're through.

to play the trumpet? I'll fake it.

Will you cut it? Come on. That's show business. You know the guy waiting in

green room? He's been waiting there for three weeks. I'm a personal friend of

Monty's. Are you kidding? That guy's Monty's Uncle Chester.

That's the way it goes.

Oh, close. I can taste it. Well, I'm not going to play the drums. The real guy's

going to play on camera.

Another broken bulb in the bright lights of Broadway.

All right, Monty. Take the band.

Come on, guys. Let's go. Break a leg, guys.

You know, he's really upset.

Felix. Am I on?

No, Uncle Chester, we ran out of time.

That's it. You're out of my will.

Felix, look, we don't want you to be upset. Why don't you come on stage with

What do you want me on for? I don't know any funny marching band story.

Okay, if you don't want... Well, I'll go on.

Felix, why don't you have a seat right over here? Oscar, have a seat.

And now for my closing number.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce you to a song that I just dug

and I think it suits me so well, I'm going to use it for my closing theme

week. Al?

One, two.

Stumbling all around, stumbling all around, stumbling all around, so funny.

Stumbling here and there, stumbling everywhere, and I'm undeclared.

I stepped right on her toes.

And when she bumped my nose, I fell. And when I rose, I felt ashamed.

I smile at everything. My honey.

Notice all of that. Notice all of that. Notice all of that.

She said, stop mumbling.

Oh, you are stumbling.

I might get just a little bit. Just a little bit. Quite a little bit.

Thank you. Just a little bit. Just a little bit. Fight a little bit. Bit.

I'm a hit.

Well, we're out of time, folks, so let's start our show tonight. I'd like to

thank everybody who came on our program, and a special thanks to Felix Unger,

who almost quite didn't make it. Felix, come on down here. Come on.

Fight more!

What it seems Ever shares my dreams Cause without you dear I don't know what

do In this heart of mine You live all the time Sweet Sue

Got you