Original subtitles

Oh, it was a great birthday party. Thanks for everything.

But those typesetters really know how to throw a wild bash.

You know, one of them printed a dirty word on my wrist.

Yeah, and they made a great headline for Oscar. Oscar celebrates 40th year of

sloppiness. It's very funny, very funny.

Listen, I've got to get back to my desk.

Thanks for the shirt. It really is pretty. You're welcome.

What happened to the one you wore to work today? I don't know what that

I'll forget about it tomorrow night. We're really going to celebrate my

birthday, right? Okay. Bye -bye. Bye, Philip. Bye, Merce.

I guess I could stand in the coffee room. Good, let's get back to work, huh?

Hi.

Hi, Oscar. Hi, Jackie.

I made this cake for your birthday.

I didn't want to come to the party. You know I don't like crowds.

You shouldn't have gone to that trouble.

It's no trouble. It's my recipe in the column today.

Except for the happy birthday, Oscar.

That I added.

Thank you.

I love it. Look, I know you're shy. There's nobody around.

Why don't you sing for me?

Please, come on.

For he's a jolly good fellow.

For he's a jolly good fellow.

For he's a jolly good fellow.

Which nobody can deny.

Someone's here to see you. No, it's all right. Don't go, Jackie. See you later.

Who is that girl?

Jackie Hart.

She writes for Dining Out with Jackie, Carl.

What a voice!

We had her in my opera club. We could do Carmen. Oh, no, no. She won't sing in

public. She's shy. She tried it once and she froze.

She'll never do it again. You brought me a little present, right? I don't care

if she's shy or not. She's my Carmen. You're my best friend, so what happened

the present?

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

Tell her to trust me. She seems to be afraid of me. Oh, yeah, Felix is

He just wants to talk to you. I'll be right back. Come on, will you, honey?

Don't be embarrassed.

Oh, that's the great thing. Huh?

Don't you feel better? Sure you do. Come here.

Miss Hartman, I am the founder and president of a local opera group. Twice

year we put on productions for charity.

If you're not doing anything tonight, I'd love it if you'd come meet the group

and audition.

Will Mr. Madison be there?

Mr. Madison likes midget wrestling.

No, I wouldn't.

Miss Hartman, unless I miss my guess, you were born to become.

Please come meet the group.

I wouldn't know anybody there. I have to go. You know me. You know Oscar.

But you said Oscar doesn't belong.

Well, it's his apartment.

What have you got to lose? Come on, please.

Do I have to sing? You don't have to do anything you don't want to do.

Oscar will escort you from work. He'll take you in a cab. Won't you take Jackie

to the opera meeting tonight?

You want to go?

All right.

I knew you would. Thank you. Eight o 'clock tonight.

How long, Jackie?

Oh, you talked her into it. I'm surprised.

I've got the kind of faith people trust.

I wish you would bring your trusting face down to the accounting department.

The guy wouldn't accept my receipt. He says I owe him $600.

Doesn't he lend it to me? I didn't hear you. Happy birthday.

Big surprise.

Is it something I can hock?

I was going to get you some coasters, and then this thing caught my eye.

What is this?

Toothbrush from Moby Dick?

It's a lint brush.

Don't you love it?

You see, you take the lint off like this, and then to clean it, you just

the head around.

You mean like this?

the minutes of the last meeting so that I can make an announcement which is a

biggie.

Today, I found someone who will be the answer to our musical prayers.

But I thought our membership was closed.

Mr. Felsher, if the Mormon Tabernacle Choir took that attitude, they'd still

a quartet.

And I want you to meet Jackie Hartman. Make her feel at home.

And of course, you all know Oscar Madison.

As you know, every year we plan to put on Carmen.

Well, I have finally found someone who absolutely fills the bill.

So I move, this is our first production.

We put on Be They's Immortal Carmen.

All those in favor signify by singing I.

Begging your pardon, miss, I don't seem to sound super critical, but Felix,

don't you think we ought to hear the little lady sing before we entrust her

such a killer role?

Bravo, bravo. Thank you, thank you. I don't think Miss Hartman would mind

obliging us with a little cadenza? Sure, since she's a member of the group now.

Come on, come on. We'd all love to hear you. Why don't you sing? What do you

know? Let's see what we've got. You don't want to vote Shea -Foca -Fa? Of

you do.

I'm singing in front of strangers.

Oh, honey, I wouldn't call these people strangers.

Strange, maybe, but not strange.

I'd like to hear you sing. Belt one out for me, will you?

If you want me to, I'll give it a try. Good, good.

Come on.

You'll munch quietly while she sings?

Okay, feeling.

Oh.

Will we rehearse again?

What's the use?

The whole thing is a disaster.

How could Jackie spend the whole rehearsal in the ladies' room?

Poor girl was scared to death.

People aren't going to pay $3 .50 to hear Carmen in the bathroom.

Even though the acoustics are very good in there.

She sang so great here the other night. I know it, I know it. I just...

I can't figure it out.

Felix, try to think like a detective.

Now, I'm trained in deductive reasoning.

First, we recreate the theme.

Jackie sang here the other night and stood right here, looked at Oscar right

there, and never turned away.

Ergo, we can't assume that she can only sing.

Into a kitchen.

You know, I don't think that's it.

But it fits.

That's why she stayed in the bathroom.

She likes porcelain.

Or maybe she can only think to Oscar.

Well, that's another theory.

Maybe I should put Oscar in the opera.

It might work.

How do I get Oscar in the opera?

I'll appeal to his artistic sense.

I'll appeal to his sense of humanity.

To help Jackie.

I'll appeal to our years of friendship.

And if that doesn't work, I'll lend him the $600.

That'll do it.

I gotta take care of your part.

What part?

Oh, I thought I was just here for Jackie to sing to. Yeah, but you have to have

a reason to be on stage. You have a part.

You don't have to sing. You speak two lines.

I'm lending you $600. That's $300 a line.

See, your part's on the line. See what it says?

1820 in Seville. You play a Spanish captain.

Hi, Jackie.

Hi. Jackie came. She volunteered to rehearse with you. Oh, hi. Hey, I'm the

captain. Look out.

Now, captain comes in. He sees the corporal. That's me, Don Jose.

And he finds him talking with Carmen. Right. So go over there. Come in.

Okay.

What are you doing?

Coming in like a dog. Is that the way you come in like a captain?

Captain Swaggering Braggadocio. He sees the corporal. And then he walks in. He

puts his hand on his...

Come and seat her.

And then she answers you.

Very nice. I like your singing. It's very good.

But when it comes to acting, we're in my ballpark. You can trust me. Trust my

face. Carmen is not a shy, sweet girl like you. She's an animal.

She's sensual. She moves.

When she sees something she wants, she grabs it.

Come on, man.

She broke my pencil.

Any medicine for me? Here.

An angel food cake from Jackie.

Do you want something?

No, I can't. I'm on a diet. A low -fat diet.

I'm trying to lose some of this low -fat.

It's terrific.

It's not like chocolate.

You know, she's brought me something every day for four weeks now since we

into rehearsal.

Well, you know what they say. Nothing spells loving like something from the

oven.

What are you talking about?

Well, you've been seeing a lot of these last four weeks.

Dinners, rehearsals. Well, after rehearsal, we're hungry. She knows all

places to eat, so we go. What is that?

Well, that's not what the gossip says.

You know the secretaries have a pool as to where you'll go on your honeymoon?

Honeymoon?

if you take her to Coney Island. Think about it.

And all you girls have to do is sit around and gossip and do things like

Yeah. Has Phyllis heard any of these rumors about Jackie and me?

I don't think so. I think she's on a different grapevine. See, we meet at the

water cooler on this side. That's it. I don't want to hear it, all right?

Jackie just makes me so cake. That's all there is to it.

I don't believe that. I mean,

there's nothing to it. Tomorrow we have the performance and it's all over.

You sure?

Honest, what I'd like is, sweetheart, come on.

Okay.

How come you're not rehearsing tonight?

I'm having a technical rehearsal.

See, we're free, honey. Come on.

Okay.

Okay,

I guess I trust you.

I had a boy, went to the hockey game and everything.

You never guessed who dropped by.

Who? Jackie.

Oh, yeah? Yeah. She was very upset.

What's the matter?

Well, she caught you kissing Phyllis in the office.

Oh? Well, don't you understand?

Jackie's crazy about you.

I might have said the same thing. Now, that's silly. We're just good friends.

She doesn't think you're good friends.

She was very hurt.

She was so upset she didn't want to sing tomorrow night.

Because of me?

It's a misunderstanding.

Well, don't worry about it. I was able to straighten the whole thing out. Oh,

good. Thanks, buddy.

Little Felix had to do some fast thinking.

Yeah, what'd you tell him?

Wait till you hear the genius of it.

I told Jackie you're gonna marry her.

It's good, huh?

You're upset.

Well, I admit I may have gone too far.

I left you now.

I also told her.

that you only had two months to live.

But I covered everything.

I told her Phyllis was your nurse. You know why Phyllis was kissing you? She

thanking you for willing your body to her medical school.

You see, that way I lent credibility to the whole thing.

Jackie's back in her office now, typing out three weeks of college, so she'll

have time off for the honeymoon.

I wanted it to be nice when you came in. That's terrific.

Jackie, I'd like to talk to you for a second. Sit down, will you? Felix

told me.

Yeah, that's why I want to talk to you. Jackie,

I... I got some good news and I got some bad news.

Oh?

The good news is I'm not going to die.

Oh, that's wonderful.

I'm not gonna die.

I don't understand.

Well, Jackie, Felix was so excited about your success and the start of a new

career and everything. We all were. We all are.

And he got a little carried away.

How far away?

Fantasyland.

See, Jackie, I mean, I never knew how you felt about me.

I mean, I'm very flattered, but by now I'm kind of tied up with Phyllis.

Do you mean Felix made up everything?

Why?

Well, he was so excited about your career, and also he's a lunatic.

Look, honey, I know you're hurt.

Listen, if Felix and I hadn't tried to take you out of your shell, you would

never have gotten hurt.

I mean, you could have stayed in your safe little cubicle down there. None of

this would have happened.

That's right.

Yeah, but hey, Jackie.

You could get very lonely in that cubicle.

Sometimes you gotta take a chance on getting hurt.

I mean, you gotta if you wanna have a little fun.

Jackie, you got such a great gift. You gotta share it.

I can't do it without you.

That's a cop -out, Jackie. It is a cop -out.

I mean, you're looking for somebody to give you confidence. I can't do that.

Nobody can.

You gotta find it yourself.

I can't. Sure you can. Well, who are you gonna be hurting if you don't do the

opera? You know, you're not going to be hurting me. You're going to be hurting

you.

Felix is the one who's got two months to live.

I can't hold the curtain any longer.

I may have to call up the performance.

Okay. What do you mean, okay?

I'm going to call up the performance. I want to give a performance.

But you can't do Carmen without Carmen.

Hey, Felix, maybe I'll get my yuke and get out there and I'll do my Hawaiian

bit, you know.

She didn't show up, huh? Would I be standing here with this expression on my

face if she showed up?

I don't know what to do. We've got a sold -out house. We've got influential

people out there. My aunt from Cleveland.

Think,

think. What'll I do?

I know.

I'll do Carmen myself.

I know the part. I can do it. I think she's going crazy. I know it. I know it.

I'm going crazy.

I can't do Carmen.

Mr. Felsher can do Carmen.

The costume will fit him. Felsher, put on lipstick.

Here she comes. Felsher, don't be a nut.

I needed time to think things over.

You were absolutely right. There's no reason why I shouldn't have confidence

myself. I bake a good cake. You should do.

Let's go, Oster. Get into your costume.

Don't rush me.

First, we'll go over a few things with the pianist. I already did.

Now we'll do it right.

Oh. And we'll use my walk.

Okay.

I'll give you a fat.

You saved our performance.

What can I do for you?

You know the best thing you can do for Jackie?

Nothing.

You know what you can do for me?

Honey, sing a song in which I understand the words.

Sure.