Original subtitles

Yeah, I took him to the airport about an hour ago.

Gee, you redecorated the whole place in just an hour.

Half hour. I took a nap first.

Can we go to work, please?

Well, Mr. Tung is on his way to Houston.

Yeah. I thought he hated flying.

He does, but this is a big account.

Buckaroo barbecue sauce. He had to go.

Oh, yeah, I know their jingle.

That's when the sons of the tumbling tumbleweed come out and sing.

When I barbecue, barbecue, barbecue.

I use buckaroo, buckaroo, buckaroo. If it's good enough for me, yippee, yippee,

then it's good enough for you.

Yippee, yippee, I, yippee, yippee, you, yippee, yippee, yes, yahoo!

Yeah, well, they're trying to change their image. They want to go for

less sophisticated.

And is Dongus going to do this job?

Yeah, I'm very proud of him.

He was terrific today. He was petrified to get on that plane. It took two

stewardesses and me to bend his knees so he could sit down.

He was really terrific.

Let's get to work. Oh, I'm home safe.

What happened?

Don't ask.

The odd couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

Oh, why aren't you in Houston?

Oh, I need a sedative.

What happened?

First, we ran into a tropical storm over Trenton. The plane was pitching up and

down. I was screaming.

The lights went out. I threw up my Dramamine.

Yeah, to turn back and come to New York, I swore if I ever got off that plane

alive, I'd never fly again, and I never will. Oh, look at my beautiful kitchen.

What about that great account you're supposed to be in Houston tomorrow to

remember? Let somebody else photograph 10 ,000 ribs. Beautiful fire. No, no,

just take yourself out of a flight. Tomorrow you'll feel better. You'll get

the plane in the morning, okay? I would risk my life for my country. I would

risk my life for my children. But I will not risk my life for butleroo barbecue

sauce.

Oh, look at my beautiful room.

He kissed his doorknob.

Where was I?

I said, where was I?

What's that?

Well, you got something in your teeth? What?

He needs your help.

You gotta get him on a plane.

Oh, you just saw him. Myrna, this morning, 119 people got on a plane to

Right now, 118 of them are there having a good time. One is in his room kissing

his luggage.

I mean, he's afraid. He's a scaredy cat. There's no way.

Where there's a will, there's a way.

If you were a real friend, you'd do something about it. Mr. Unger would.

Remember that time you were so sick and you couldn't write your column?

Mr. Unger took his own money and hired a ghostwriter for you.

Yeah, he was good. I got a raise.

See? He's a real friend.

I'm as good a friend as he is.

Talk is cheap, Miss Dan.

Yeah? All right. Call the airport, make a reservation. I'll get him on a plane

in the morning.

If he's singing, he's not kissing.

Oh, no. Fear of flying is silly.

What is this? This is a plane. It's my living room.

I want to show you flying in a plane is like sitting in your own living room.

Good. Book me on a two -bedroom brownstone to use. Oh, please. Pretend

plane. You'll have fun. Look how I let him talk to me. It's silly. Don't sit

near the window. You'll get dizzy.

Right.

Get in the mood. Get in the mood. Just get on the plane. It's going to be

terrific. It's hilarious.

Look. What?

That's a slow -talking secretary.

Ask her how safe air travel is. Go ahead.

Miss, how safe is air travel?

Oh, air travel is the safest travel known to man.

Safer than cars, buses, or feet. Is it safer than staying home?

In fact, more accidents take place in the home.

And shortly after takeoff, your captain will be talking to you.

Relax. This is so silly.

Hey, we're taking off. Here we go. You're a fun guy. This is your

captain speaking to you from the cockpit. And it's a lot safer here than

bathtub. It's Murray.

A pilot's named Murray.

We have just had a perfect takeoff.

And the weather will be just fine from here to Houston.

The flight pattern we're using is the safest one there is.

Santa Claus uses this.

We'll have a merry flight.

Another stewardess? Passenger.

Howdy. Is this seat occupied, though?

No.

There's nobody cute in first class.

Hello.

Howdy again.

Well, you enjoyed the talk. Do you live in Houston?

Shoot, yeah. How long are you going to be there?

Two weeks.

Sure enough.

Think you'll have any free time while you're there?

I guess so. I'll try.

Well, in case you do, Here's my number.

You be sure and call me now, here.

Check me later.

You've got one smooth line, you know that?

Must be the altitude.

This is ridiculous.

That could happen. Oh, of course, it happens every day. But it's not going to

happen sitting at home. It just did. Who is she?

She's a friend of Myrna's. She's married.

But you had a good time.

Ridiculous, because you're making jokes. It's fun. This isn't like really

flying. Sure, you meet strangers. It'd be fun. It'd be fun if you'd go along

with me and make jokes all the way. No, you'll find somebody. Would you do that?

Would I do what? Go with me. Make jokes all the way. Come with me. No, I can't.

I've got to cover a football game at Shea Stadium tomorrow.

I can't do it.

Don't they play football in Houston? Do they have a team? Yeah, but the paper's

sending somebody else. You could go. You'd trade. No. You'd trade.

You'd trade with that guy. Whoa!

San Diego is playing Houston for the last place. I don't want to watch that.

Jets are playing Miami. But it would be better in Houston because you're so

talented. You'd make them a big team. You've got to go. You've got to do it.

You're a wonderful guy.

He's got to go to Houston with me. He's got to make jokes all the way.

Where are you going?

To my bathtub. See if I can get hurt.

He went to the men's room again. Again?

I've had days like that.

Oh, you all right? I'm exhausted.

Passengers for flight 62 to Houston now boarding gate 12.

I have to go to the men's room again. Please,

please, no! Then let me get more insurance, please.

Did he take out insurance?

Then I want to take out some more, please.

Well, you already have the maximum. I know, but isn't there some way I could

take a little bit more, please?

Well, you'd just be wasting your money.

You see, the company will only cover each passenger up to a certain amount,

you already have it.

You're afraid to tell me more, because then you might have to pay off, is that

it?

No, Mr.

Unger, it is the law.

I told you it was the law an hour ago. I told you it was the law half an hour

ago. And I told you it was the law 15 minutes ago. And if you ask me one more

time, I'm going to let you have it right in the job.

Is it against your law for someone else to buy insurance and name the same

beneficiary?

No. Thank you.

Oscar, would you do me a favor, please?

Would you take out a policy and name my ex -wife Gloria as you've been offering?

Let's get on the plane, please. Come on, for me. Give me some insurance, please.

How much? Shoot the words.

Passage his name. Oscar Madison.

Beneficiary? Gloria Unger. Wait a minute. How's this going to look to my

-wife? How's what going to look? Gloria getting my insurance money.

Why, should she get any money? No, I meant... I know what you mean. When the

plane crashes...

Sir,

sir, are you going to Houston? Would you like to help provide for the future of

a wonderful woman and two great kids?

Bye,

Felix. Remember, whatever goes up must come down.

It's all right, Oscar.

I know what Murray meant. I've got myself quite together.

Goodbye, friends.

Thanks an awful lot for helping me. I don't think, without your support, I

ever have had the courage to get on the plane.

So if anything goes wrong, let it be on your head.

Because I didn't want to get on.

I'd made up my mind. I said I was never going to fly again. I said I was never

going to fly and I meant it.

Excuse us, please.

What's your hurry, skinny?

I'll sit near the window. Remember what I told you.

Stop with the hiccups. Come on, sit down.

Don't be nervous. Try to put yourself together. You see anybody else being

nervous?

I'll be there two weeks.

Have fun.

I hope so.

I'll have a lot of free time.

I won't.

Hey, tell me... Excuse me, miss. Oh, yes?

Could I change my seat?

Oh, of course.

You've got one rotten line, you know that?

Water, please. Just a moment, sir.

Good morning. My name is Barbie.

Welcome aboard flight 62 to Houston.

We will be flying at an altitude of 32 ,000 feet, arriving in Houston at 1030

Central Standard Time.

This is a pressurized cabin. If at any time we should lose our pressure, an

oxygen mask...

it over your mouth and breathe normally. But I can't breathe normally. I have a

sinus condition.

Sir, as long as you have a nose and a mouth, it'll work for you, too.

Sarcasm.

Certainly inspires confidence.

You inspire sarcasm.

In case of emergency, we have emergency exits located in the...

Oh, I feel faint. We're still on the ground.

Why?

Why are we still on the ground?

Because that's where we start from. Then we go up in the air. When we get to

Houston, we go on the ground again, just the way the Wright brothers planned it.

More sarcasm, huh? Listen to the captain speaking.

That's the captain. He's speaking to me. Yes?

I'm sorry, but we'll be delayed on the ground for an indefinite period.

Why? Thank you. Why?

Why? What channel is the on?

I'm getting Victor Borgman. Get off! What? What?

Where's the emergency exit? There.

Look at that.

If she got stuck in the emergency door, we'd all be dead.

If she gets stuck in the door, I'll push her through for you, I promise. What is

it? Those men on the ground under the wing, what are they doing? They're

mechanics. No, no, nothing's wrong.

They're pointing up the wing.

They look worried.

I can read his lips.

I much fear serious trouble in the fuselage, Frederick.

Help me, what's the other guy saying?

I much...

There's some nut trying to read your lips. What's the matter with you?

running away. They're running away. No, because they're afraid.

I'm coming.

I'm coming.

Get out of my way. Get out of my way. Oscar, I'm trapped in the fat woman. Let

me by.

I'm sorry, sir.

There's an enormous woman blocking the aisle. I've got to get out.

Now, just relax, sir. I'm going to get your name. Oscar Wilde. Oscar.

Get the captains. Will you come in?

A life like that should be riding on the bus.

Oh!

Flight CO2 from Dallas, arriving gate 22. Sir, could I get my luggage off that

plane? Now? Yes, yes.

No, never mind.

Oscar will take care of it at the other end.

Oscar,

you got help to get my luggage off? I'm not going to argue with you. I want you

to get back on that plane. I'm sorry. Did you realize the trouble I went

to get you on that flight? I can just get back to it.

Game to cover. I got a plane to catch. When I bring your luggage back to you,

don't bother to unpack.

Holy, where are you going?

Houston. My plane's right there.

Well, not anymore. They just got the go -ahead to taxi out. Well, bring it back.

I can't. They're in the line up for takeoff. What time is the next one?

This afternoon.

Oh, that's no good.

Any other airline got a flight going? Not this morning. But I have to meet the

Astrodome by one o 'clock.

Well, then you shouldn't have gotten off the plane.

You took all the times that you screwed up my life and you piled them one on top

of the other.

It would not equal what you did to me today.

Not that bad, is it? Yes, it is.

Tomorrow, my readers will turn to the sports page, look at my columns, see

I have about the Houston game. You know what will be there?

Nothing. Not a word.

Then I'll get my paycheck. You know what will be on that?

Nothing. Not a word.

I'll probably get fired.

You know whose fault it is?

if I said I was sorry.

No, no, why would I?

I feel like such a fool.

Bad enough throwing away my own job, but I had no right to imperil yours.

I guess I just went too far.

I see, huh? Good.

Oscar, you've done everything one friend could do for another. I'm not going to

let you down.

I'm going to get on that plane this afternoon to Houston.

Aren't you proud of me? Oh, I'm thrilled. You'll be at the barbecue

right? I'll be at the unemployment line. Look how nice everything worked out.

No, no, you'll be covering that game in Houston. Do you hear what the guy said?

Nothing on Earth or in the sky will stop me.

Sir, where can I charter a plane?

Over in the Terminal X.

Thank you. In the Terminal X.

Excuse me, is this Belkin Airlines?

Are you with the Better Business Bureau?

No? Oh, well, then I'm Belkin. What can I do for you? I understand you have a

charter flight to Houston.

Yes, we do.

What time does it reach Houston?

Well, it should get there around noon.

Oh, that's perfect.

It's very important we get on that flight.

Do you have room?

Well, are you guys with the group?

Yes.

Yeah, we're with the group. Will you wait a minute, please?

The Falcon Airlines.

I never heard of you. I know you've been in business.

Oh, my daddy started the company. He used to fly mail with Charles Lindbergh.

Oh, boy, he must have been some pilot. He still is. He'll be flying you to

Houston. It just proves he's experienced.

It proves he's old. That's all. It proves he's old. Now, what kind of a

this? Oh, we'd say a modified 727.

What do you mean modified? It was just painted.

It's not nice. No, it's not nice. You can hardly tell where the old wing

and the new wing begins.

Absolutely,

yes. Where'd you get all this nerve all of a sudden, you Steve Canyon?

I told you, I simply refused to submit to theory.

And I suggest that you stop this whimpering and do the same thing.

Two Texas to Houston, please.

One.

One? No point in my taking any chances. I don't have to be induced until

tonight.

I'll take a real plane.

Excuse us for one more minute, will you please?

Please, you get on that plane with me or I'll break every bone in your body.

Two.

At least let me get some insurance. Go ahead.

So long.

Isn't that smooth flight?

Yeah. Go figure.

Belkin's Airline. Great lunch, too. Nice submarine sandwich.

How soon do we get to Houston?

Any minute now, I guess.

If I ask you something, you promise you won't get mad? What?

Can I go to the bathroom again?

You might guess.

back in the jumping area and look up.

Where's your parachute, buddy?

What parachute?

What's the matter?

Something wrong? Some trouble?

Oh, no trouble. This is Houston.

Aren't you getting off?

Yeah. When are we going to land?

Land?

Buddy, this is the American Parachute Club. We're jumping out.

Jumping?

But the plane's got to land somewhere.

Not until San Diego. That's when I'm getting off.

One of them sissy boys.

That's the trouble of the country today.

Everything gone soft.

There's a parachute right under that seat.

Get into it and hit the silk, fella.

I'm not hitting the silk. I'm not jumping off. I'm not getting out of this

plane.

Patton was alive. He'd slap your face.

Probably wasn't even in the service.

Yes, I was.

Geronimo!

Wasn't this plane full of people?

Yes, it was.

Where'd they all go?

They left.

Where'd they go?

They jumped out.

What's wrong?

What happened?

Felix, this was a parachute club. They weren't going to land in Houston. They

jumped off at Houston. We're the only city boys that stayed on.

Where did we land?

San Diego.

You can sit there calmly and say San Diego. Houston is playing San Diego,

remember? I'll watch the game on television. I'll cover it that way.

Hey, that's right.

Night catcher playing back Houston in time for my barbecue tonight.

Are you sure you won't mind flying alone? Oh, no, not at all. I'm

over my fear of flying. This is Pop Belkin speaking.

As long as there's just the two of you boys left, I thought I'd show you some

the stunts that made me famous in my barn.

back some memories.

What are you doing in this job?

He called me and told me it went great.