Original subtitles

dish of tapioca and a glass of milk.

Cookie?

Cookie?

Mr. Madison?

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

Ernie, you're late.

It's a rough neighborhood.

Were you attacked again?

No, better.

I think I'm engaged.

A man gave me his hook.

Good, you can load your own cargo now. Get out your pad, will you?

Mr. M, you can't hold down two jobs. Yes, I can. Now, before the graveyard

comes in at 8, I'll dictate my column to you.

Why are you doing this? It's none of your business, Myrna.

If the secretary has to come down to a terrible place every night for a whole

week, take dictation sitting on a broken stool in a diner that's on the health

department's enemy list, it's her business.

Okay, somebody gave me money to get a season ticket to the Yankees. And you

it on a horse?

I wouldn't bet somebody else's money on just a horse.

I bet it on a horse.

Now I've got to replace the money fast.

Who's they?

The boys?

I'm not going to tell you anything else. And don't you tell Felix. Now get off

your back.

Right there, Chip. They've got ten minutes to eat.

Last Sunday at the Texas Stadium, not all the violence took place in the field

of play.

Hey, where's that hamburger I ordered?

There you go.

There you go. Hey, Mac, from now on, leave the ketchup to me.

Take it. You'll like it.

Not all the violence took place on the field of play.

Yeah, because a lot of it took place on the sidelines and in the stands.

In a free -for -all so wild that one fan chewed a large chunk out of the

artificial turf and another out of a linebacker's shoulder pad. Hey, Mac,

BLTs to go. Hold the mail.

The referee was able to stop the fight, but the Cowboys were unable to stop the

New York Giants. Three BLTs, hold the mayo.

The lone Dallas touchdown came when Bob Lilly... Oh, also, I want the meatloaf,

fruit salad, two scoops of chocolate ice cream to go. When Bob Lilly intercepted

the meatloaf, fruit salad, two scoops of chocolate traveling... Three

BLTs to go, hold the mayo, meatloaf... salad, two chocolate ice cream

too much ketchup there, and the Dallas Cowboys blocked the veal cutlet.

my way through as a waiter.

If I'd known that, I could have saved 5 ,000 miles of walking.

Look at that, huh?

The prodigal roommate, huh?

Congratulations.

On what?

Three nights in a row you come in after four in the morning. I hear these

things. Who is she? Who is who?

Come on, you can tell me. Tell me.

and roomies tell each other everything.

I've got nothing to tell you, roomie.

What's she like?

Tall? Short?

Thin? Fat?

I like them fat.

That girl's just surprisingly cheerful. Come on, tell me what she likes. No.

All right. Don't get so huffy.

None of my beeswax.

Change the subject.

Give me any spoon.

I forgot a spoon.

Oh, goodness gracious.

Forgive me. Just a minute.

I need a bigger cup of coffee.

What was this? King Kong's first baby spoon?

It's a season ticket.

It's your thing? Yeah.

When can I tell my client to expect them?

Well, as soon as the check clears, you know.

I gave you cash.

I know you gave me cash.

They only take checks.

Isn't that strange?

Well, that's their bookkeeping.

Leave me alone, will you? You'll get us tickets. Wow, what a nut.

I hope when the mayor throws out the first ball, he hits your client on the

head.

bed this morning.

Who? The girl he's seeing.

Mr. Madison?

I didn't know he was seeing a girl.

Oh, hi, Brenda.

Bye -bye, Felix. Did you wash?

Warp Street. There, now you know everything.

What do I know?

912 Warp Street. What?

7 o 'clock.

You better eat before you go there.

912 Warp Street.

It's on the docks.

so why don't you leave and never come back, huh?

I couldn't believe my eyes. I was on the phone looking straight at you. I didn't

know it was you in a greasy apron.

Well, the greasy part, I couldn't believe it. What are you doing here?

It's none of your business where you get lost, sweetheart. I'm not going to get

lost. What are you doing here?

I was walking down the street. This guy stopped me. He says, what's the capital

of Bolivia, right?

I hesitated. Three sailors jumped out of an alley. They wrapped me on the head.

They threw me in a bag. Next thing I know, I was mixing chicken salad.

knows the capital of Bolivia is La Paz.

He's just saying the wrapping ahead.

What are you doing?

Sleepwalking. Oscar, what is this?

I have total amnesia. Who are you, sir?

Waiter! Hey, cookie, serve the drugs.

Yeah, lady, what is it?

Oscar, this isn't your element.

Let's get out of here. Will you leave? No, I'm not going to leave. I don't want

to throw you out. You can't throw me out. I can see that sign. We reserve the

right to refuse to serve anyone. Obviously a right which has never been

exercised.

Sir, are you referring to my wife?

Come on, honey.

Let's go someplace where all of the customers ain't such a jerk. What's the

beef? This used to be a decent, respectable establishment before you

catering to this weird riffraff and jackets and ties.

This is what happens when you don't have a cover, George.

Oscar, do you enjoy the... types. Felix, please do me a favor. Here, sit down.

Order something to eat. You're going to get me fired. I'll explain later. I

wouldn't drink the water in this place.

If you can't tell me what's wrong, who can you tell? All right, I'll tell you.

violated a trust.

Somebody gave me some money to buy something and I gambled it away.

Oscar.

I'm not Oscar.

Cookie.

You can't do this. You're dying of fatigue. You're going to jeopardize your

at the newspaper. I'll loan you the money. Oh, I can't accept a loan from

Why not?

Well, I can't tell you that either.

Is the person you borrowed the money from a friend? Oh, yeah.

Then go to him as a friend and tell him what happened. If he's a friend, he'll

understand. But you can't work here.

You know, you're absolutely right.

And you are my friend.

You know the money you gave me to get your client season tickets for the

Yankees? Yeah.

Yes.

Well, that's the money I gambled away.

I have to sit there?

Right there.

Oscar. Can I have a beer?

Yes, of course.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Excuse me, sir.

Do I have to sit there? Sit wherever you wish.

You may not sit there on the other side.

Oscar, what shall I do?

I'll accept anything but a spanking.

What do you intend to do?

I figure I'll go back to the diner. I'll beg for my job back. A couple of weeks,

I'll have the money. Two weeks, you'll lose your job on the paper, and you'll

out in the gutter.

You'll be on skid row, sleeping in a flophouse.

Not that you'd ever know the difference.

It's the only way I can get money. I don't have a choice. No, no, no, you've

a choice.

I'll put up the money. You'll pay me back whenever you can. No, I'm never

to learn not to gamble with other people's money. I've got to pay for my

mistakes. No, no, you were right when you called me a thief. No!

That's what friends are for, to help each other, to understand each other, to

forgive each other, no matter what terrible thing one of them has done to

other.

This whole thing's in the past. We're just going to forget it. We're not going

to talk about the money anymore.

You surprise me, Felix. I never dreamed there'd be this understanding. You know

my problem. Come on, come on, come on. You're right. I should have come to you

from the beginning.

Just don't be afraid to come to me any time.

Thank you, Felix.

Good night, buddy.

First,

I'll have to buy my client his box seat at Yankee Stadium.

So there goes my Christmas in Buffalo with my brother.

Send him a card.

Back to domestic wines, of course.

I promise the kids I tell them to camp next summer.

They'll stay in town. They'll flash around in a fire hydrant. They'll

understand.

They love their Uncle Oscar.

I'd rather have them spanking.

Oh, Phoenix.

Glad I caught you before you went.

Okay, oh, you're $400, right? There's $300 of it right there.

Huh.

I cocked a few things.

What? My saxophone.

You don't play the saxophone.

I know. I just have it for hockey.

What else did you do? Please, will you, Phoenix? I'm still dizzy from the blood

bank. You got any liver?

You donated blood?

It wasn't a donation. They gave me 35 hours.

This is blood money.

Sterilizing the wound.

With beer? It's got alcohol in it.

What else did you have?

My tape recorder and my typewriter.

Oh, Oscar, those are your livelihood.

I can write a long hand and not my pencils. I don't feel right about this.

no, I couldn't sleep last night. I had a nightmare that a giant fire hydrant

splashed your kids with domestic wine.

Go back to the diner, work four more days, and I'll have the other hundred I

you. No, no, no.

I know a better way for you to earn a hundred dollars. You'll work in my

for a couple of days. Oh, no, I don't want a handout. It's not a handout. I'm

doing that big milk layout, and I need help.

I don't know anything about photography.

You don't have to know anything about photography.

I need someone for heavy moving and general dirty work and a lot of lifting.

My regular girl quit.

Don't lift that heavy stuff. I want to earn the money. Then help me. Bring in

the other section.

You got it. Bring in the bales of hay.

Look at this.

Leave it to you to get neat hay.

There we go.

Okay. How does that look?

Look at that. Oh, boy.

That looks like a real farm.

Real farm.

Miniature golf grass and a painting by numbers. What's that?

All right. Now, come here. Look through the cap.

Now what do you see?

Hey, that's gray.

And upside down.

And that's not all. Remember your mother goose?

Hayden Little, the cat in the fiddle, the cow jumped over the moon?

Oh.

The little dog laughed to see such sport, and the dish ran away with the

We've got beautiful girls to play those parts. Girls? Are coming over here?

You will not think of them as girls.

The minute they walk through that door, they are professional models. You will

think of them only as colleagues and co -workers.

Now I want you to distribute these props all over the set.

I'll be loading these film holders in the darkroom. You got it, buddy.

Hi.

Hi, girls, colleagues, workers.

Hello, I'm Oscar Madison. We're going to be working together.

Are you the Oscar Madison, the sports writer?

Well, yes, I am. I read your column all the time. Oh, you do? So do I.

Is that right?

I figured pretty girls love sports.

Well, I'd like to stand around here all day and gab with you, but we've got a

lot of work to do. Oh, sure, we understand. Where do we change?

In there. The wardrobe's laid out and everything.

Colleagues?

We're ready.

It's all mine.

For work, I mean. You do photography, too?

Uh, well, I dabble, I dabble in photography.

It's sort of a hobby, you know.

we do well we're doing the mother goose scene i'm sure you're familiar with that

old classic hey diddle diddle the cat in the fiddle you see hey i got a great

idea why don't we set this up for mr runger and surprise him wouldn't that be

great yeah mr runger we're ready

and get there. She didn't show up.

Yeah, she's in the room across the hall. You go get her. Oh, okay. Okay. Nice

job, Oscar. Thank you, Bix.

All right, let's break out the enemy, sister, shall we?

All right.

Captain Fiddle back there against the trailing dog right with her.

Just a minute.

I don't need this here.

Great body, not much of a face. Okay, turn off the overheads.

That's good, Coles.

Very good. Thank you, girls. That's a wrap for tonight.

See you tomorrow.

Who are you girls with, Coles?

Oscar. What are you and Felix doing at the work tonight?

We got money.

Well, we're all going to a party. I thought maybe you'd like to join us.

that's a great idea. You change, I'll tell Felix, okay? Okay.

Hey, Felix.

Our colleagues are turning back into girls tonight. They want us to come and

watch. Well, we can't.

What do you mean we can't?

I've got tickets to the opera.

Then I'll go alone.

What about Florence?

I don't think I can get her a date on such short notice.

Last year, someone's got to stay here overnight with Florence.

You didn't tell me that. Of course. You think I'm giving you $100 for one day's

work? Well, the cow's got to stay here overnight.

Don't stand there in dumb amazement. The nearest barn is in Connecticut.

Whenever I work with animals, my regular girl stays.

Well, she wouldn't stay with a snake, but that's understandable.

I've got a cot.

For me or the cow?

that I'll finish my job.

Look at this. I'm the midnight cowboy.

Got fewer calories than you.

Hi. What are you doing here? I thought you went to the opera.

I thought about you.

The opera was car...

Don't feel sorry for me. I learned a valuable lesson.

What? He who bets on animals sits with animals.

It's kind of nice, isn't it? Why?

Reminds me of my boyhood on my grandmother's farm.

Glenville, New York.

She had a cow, too, just like you. Yeah? Her name was Alice. Oh, I loved her.

I carry a memento of her to this day. Yeah, what?

This belt.

Good. What are you standing there smiling at?

You were so great to me. You helped me, you know, to pay you back and

everything. I decided to do something for you. What?

I cleaned my room.

How do you, soldier?