Original subtitles

Please try not to move your head too much, Mr. Madison. It won't dry

Look, Oscar.

Look at this X -ray.

It's the tooth that wouldn't take the filling. The one I took six months ago,

still holds.

How come? The other one lasted a week, ended up in some Turkish tap.

Oh, this one will never fall out. The glue I use is my own secret formula.

What's so secret about it?

You know, I know I can trust you. I can tell by your teeth you're an honest man.

You can tell by my teeth?

What am I, a horse?

You know, I've been a dentist for 20 years, and one thing I learned is the

don't lie.

You know the first man to talk out against Hitler was his dentist?

I didn't know that. What's the big secret about your glue?

Barnacles.

Barnacles? Yeah. You know how barnacles stick to the sides of ships?

Well, I made this out of my barnacle glue. Now watch this.

I take a little bit of the glue, put the cup there.

Go ahead. Try to move it. Oh, come on. It's still wet. That'll be easy. No, no.

It's fast drying.

Holy mackerel, that stuff is terrific.

I never saw anything better advertised on television.

You ought to market that. I am. My brother -in -law's backing me. I never

get in on the ground floor with something good like that.

You want to come in?

What about your brother -in -law?

I'd rather have you come in. I don't trust him.

Bad teeth?

False teeth.

How much do you need? $2 ,000, but I need it right away.

You've got a deal.

I'll get it from my roommate, Felix.

So you trust him? Are you kidding? No cavity.

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

Anybody tired feet?

I just came from covering a mixed marriage.

150 people in a two -room apartment.

It was so hot, the ice goose melted.

Not only that, the bride's grandmother made me dance the kazatsky.

The old guy made me dance the tarantella.

You must be hungry.

I'm too tired to cook.

No, I'll make some sandwiches. You?

Yeah, what do you want? Egg salad, tuna salad, chicken salad? Egg salad. You got

it. No ketchup.

Here you go.

Egg salad sandwich.

I'm sure you didn't go to too much trouble.

I'll pass the cafeteria on my way home.

Eighty -five cents. You want me to pay you now?

You got a great sense of humor. That's why I love you. No, it's on me. And I

something to drink to go with it. I don't want a beer. No talking about a

I got something special here. I got a mint julep.

That goes perfect with the next dollar sandwich.

You gotta spread a minute.

Put your feet up, old buddy. Put your feet up.

Put your head back. Close your eyes.

What, what, what? You want something. What?

Money.

What horse is it this time?

That's the thanks I get. I knew you were going to have a rough day. You always

do for me. I thought I would do for you. I'm sorry. I apologize.

I took it out on you.

How much do you need? $2 ,000. Forget it.

I've got a chance to get in on a terrific investment.

Another investment?

Like those oil wells in Vermont?

We drilled for over a year and found 15 barrels of maple syrup.

If I forget about the ship, Felix, what is the stickiest substance on Earth? The

big salad.

All right. Out at sea, what is it that ships have?

Singles dancers. How do I know?

Barnacles, Felix.

Barnacles. They stick to the hull of the ship.

Barnacles. The simple sea creature that secretes the strongest glue on Earth.

You know when they're attached to a ship, they have to be blasted off,

I know a guy who has discovered their secret. Here, look at it.

You mean I'm holding barnacle waste in my hand?

And the most powerful gloom known to man and ship. So now I'm supposed to give

you all my money?

If you had a brain in your head, you'd give me all your money to invest in the

greatest discovery since cockroach powder.

It's an interesting choice.

I don't have a brain in my head, so forget it.

No. I want to let you in on the ground floor. Fine. Fine. All right. That's as

long as I know. Okay. By the way, Gloria, she wants you to call her back.

didn't you tell me? I just thought about it.

All right.

Clever. Yeah. Go ahead.

Go ahead. Try.

It's about to happen.

Go ahead. Try to get Atlas to help you.

Go ahead. Try. You couldn't get Godzilla to take this off of her. I'm telling

you. It's great for ruining phones.

It's great for... How can I convince you?

Look what I did here. Watch. Here.

I glued my pencil to a bowling ball. Oh, boy, you had a busy day. All

right, you're going to see, big deal. Watch this. Okay, you ready?

It's heavier than I thought.

Okay. There you go, buddy.

Big deal, huh?

Okay.

Who invented this glue?

My dentist.

An inventing dentist?

You put him on Ted Mack?

Come on, you'll meet him. The worst thing that can happen is you'll find out

don't have any cavity.

Your neck.

Hi, Elmo.

Hey, Oscar.

Hello, my roommate, Felix Unger. Felix, say hello to a great inventor, a good

dentist, Dr. Elmo Most. Dr. Most?

Felix is thinking of investing in our project. Oh, Mr. Unger, I'm a modest man

who happens to be a genius.

Mm -hmm. He won our high school science fair.

Would you mind sitting in my chair, please? I always talk better to people

they're sitting in the chair.

Please.

Now, just relax. This won't hurt.

Just open wide.

Nice. Very nice.

He has very trustworthy teeth.

But he has suspicious gums.

And gums don't lie. I am suspicious of this miracle mucilage.

What do you need extra money for?

Well, refinement, development.

What kind of refinement?

Well, for one thing, I can't get the lid off the jar. It sticks.

What kind of money will help us to solve that problem? Who wants to buy glue

that sticks to the inside of the tube? Right now, I can only use small amounts,

but with further refinement, I know it'll mass produce.

How much have you put in yourself?

Ten thousand.

That's a lot of fillings.

Want me to show you a demonstration? No, no, no, no. I've seen a demonstration.

It ruined my bowling ball.

I wonder if Mr. Madison and I could have a moment to, um... Oh, sure, sure,

sure. Make yourselves at home.

Rinse, spit, do anything you want.

Well, what do you think?

What's... Again,

what is it?

It's too risky.

Such a small... rent for such a big payoff.

$2 ,000. That's a drop in a bucket to you. Oscar, you labor under a serious

misconception. How much money do you think I've got?

You're not the only one who pays alimony.

I was saying, Gloria and the kids, a lot of money every month.

Oh, I was there. It wasn't a bad settlement.

It was a miserable settlement. How could you expect any woman to live on the

kind of pittance that judge would?

I used to have a son with him in a vacuum.

I've got a zero mark for my wife and kid.

They're my principal investment. That's the way it's going to remain. What are

you going to do? You've got a little bit of spinach. Well, let's see.

I'm going to wash it away. Don't do it. Now, you're in or out?

I'm out. I have no faith in the glue business or in your doctor.

Sorry to let you down like that.

It's not my department.

Well, you're a phone man.

Well, I handle mechanical failures and disturbances on the line. Not glue.

What happens now?

Well, now, your case is going to be turned over to defacement and vandalism.

you could be in real serious trouble.

What can you do to me?

Anything we want.

We're a monopoly.

Another party, huh?

Blue investors meeting.

Blue investors?

You mean Oscar talked you out of some money? No, he's letting it sit on the

ground floor of the greatest thing since the shoelace.

This is very risky.

I think it's exciting.

We're in on a brand new invention and I'm getting my teeth capped for free.

I had to talk my wife into letting me draw the money out of our joint account.

We've been saving up for twin waterbeds.

Have some fruit.

No, it's gaseous.

Where is the captain of industry?

He's with our major investor.

Yeah, we just put in a little beer.

You mean he found himself a big fish, huh?

Yeah, we're just little guppies.

Well, here's the mastermind of the glue scandal.

Aren't you proud of yourself?

Bilking your underpaid secretary out of a pittance? Taking advantage of New

York's dumbest?

Who's the sucker you're taking to the cleaners? Your ex -wife, Gloria.

Colin Tyler.

The expansion teams of today are the Super Bowl champs of tomorrow.

Got that?

Yeah, it's a real grabber, Miss Dem. That'll sell papers.

Hi, Fierce. Hello.

You don't look happy.

Why should I look happy?

Roommate went around...

slinking behind my back.

Plundered my children's college fund.

Forget about it. Let's get this car out. It's important. Let's go over to

Gloria's house and try to talk some sense to her.

Do you like to know what happened? No.

I'll start at the beginning.

I walked up to the door. I rang the bell.

Gloria opened the door. She said, hello, Felix.

I said, hello, Gloria.

Leonard and Edna were at home.

Wait a minute. You're going to Thessalonica. I said, Gloria, don't you

should reconsider throwing your money away on Oscar's fly -by -night key?

Do you know what she said?

I'll tell you what she said.

She said, Felix, I want to think for myself.

I said, why should you think for yourself when you've got me to think for

That's when Manny called me a male chauvinist.

Bella putting up a Venetian blind.

He'll look for all the hype. Gloria's stubborn and she's obstinate, but she's

not stupid.

She agreed that I should take care of her investment.

What do you mean you're going to take care of her investment?

I mean that I have her proxy on all decisions made from this moment on. And

is one investment that's going to skyrocket to big bucks, buddy.

Lucky you, you're along for a free ride.

Wait a minute, Mr. Proxy. Who died and left you to boss?

Glory is the biggest investor in this barnacle madness, which automatically

makes me president.

Now, with your permission, I'm going to read my encyclopedia. Try to find out

about barnacles and glue. Yeah, well, I'm going to tell Elmo to fight this

d 'etat. And Elmo will listen to me because Unger is the name and glue is

I want him in, he doesn't want to come in. I get his wife in, then he comes in,

he pushes me out, he becomes president, because glue is my game.

Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive.

What?

Have you ever been kissed by a man with cotton in his mouth?

Yeah, Eli Whitney.

You're cute.

Don't talk. Let the anesthesia work.

You're feeling droggy, huh?

Yeah. When do I get to la -la -la?

You'll be out in a few minutes.

Good.

I'm flying free.

I feel like a big, big balloon.

Hi. And here comes the pin.

So I thought, what better time to hold a stockholders meeting, huh?

Not now, Felix. I'm right in the middle of working on Oscar. He's under

anesthesia. Oh.

Well, you're the one I want to talk to anyway. It'll only take a minute. What's

so important?

I've got a marvelous idea, but naturally I need your approval.

What'd you say, Oscar?

Don't pay any attention.

Just listen.

Listen.

We've got only so much money to work with, right? Right. And most of it's

Gloria's, right? So.

What we want to do is make that money work for us.

Now, I've set up meetings with board of directors of the GTA, the Glue

Corporation of America.

Of course. We'll show them Elmo's glue. We'll convince them they'll flip over

it, and they'll buy the rights to manufacture it. You mean sell it to

Sure. Let them pay for the cost of future development. They'll take the

while we sit back and rake in the nifty frogs. Right? What a great idea, huh?

Here's what we're going to do. We're going to put on a professional

presentation. We'll have maps.

We'll have graphs, we'll have charts, and an amazing demonstration.

What do we know about presentations?

We're not pros. It'll cost a fortune.

Normally, yes, but I am a pro. And with your help, with everybody's help, I know

I can pull this thing off.

Gee, I'd like to do more research. Of course you would. You see, you're with

The meeting's set up. What do you say? We'll go. I know I can do it.

Well, I have to check it out with Oscar. If he says okay, I'll go along with it.

After all, he knows you better than anybody else. Okay with me?

What do you say, Oscar? Hey, buddy.

Do you have faith in Felix?

He would have said yes.

Felix, please don't bore him with a story about the history of gloom. The

history of gloom is not boring. It proves that we're sincere.

Felix, they're businessmen. Who's running this demonstration?

I am. All right. Do your post. You got it? Okay.

Hello. Hello.

I'm John Abernathy. This is...

Steve Abernathy and Pop Abernathy. You do?

Gentlemen, you may present your presentation.

Thank you.

Gentlemen... What's your name?

Felix. Felix, like the cat?

Yes.

Gentlemen... What's his name?

That's Murray.

And this is Elmo.

Pop, please, please, please.

Gentlemen, I propose to tell you...

of glue. We're glue men. We know everything about it. Now, wait a minute.

like to hear it.

I love a good glue story.

Go ahead, Felix the Cat.

Now, gentlemen, when you think of the country of Holland, what do you think

Windmills, wooden shoes, tulips... Haircuts!

Haircuts? Yes, those... Dutch boy haircut.

Oh, that's very good.

But when you think of Holland, do you

ever think of glue?

Or of the year 1690?

For it was in that year, in Holland, that glue was first made, according to

great glue historian, John Delmont.

Murray, you're pointing to Finland.

first made glue by solubilizing certain vegetables, such as...

corn.

Ooh, sticky, yeah?

Yeah.

I don't think we'd like this on the back of our postage stamps, would we?

Thank you, Katrinka.

That was a good story, John.

I like Katrinka.

Now,

As the glue industry moved from Holland, right here, to England, right here, new

methods of making glue were discovered.

Glue was obtained from hides and bone.

And what animal do you suppose was the principal contributor?

The horsey. Right.

The poor horsey.

of the business I always hated.

Well, be of good cheer, sir, for the poor horse is no longer necessary in the

manufacture of glue.

And do you know why?

Why?

Barnacles!

Barnacles? Barnacles, gentlemen.

This lowly sea creature has disclosed to Dr. Elmo Most her secret of the

most powerful glue known on Earth.

But, you may ask, What does this mean to the average man?

What does this mean to the average man?

Now, please.

Well, he said you may ask, so I asked.

Let's find out.

Let's take a stroll down the lane and see who we run into.

Who was that?

His name is Oscar.

Hi, Oscar.

Sir? Yes, sir. You look like an average man. Thank you.

May I ask you of your experiences with glue?

Oh, I have had terrible experiences with glue, sir. I can't seem to find a

satisfactory glue that would satisfy all my glue needs.

And do most of your friends feel the same way? Yes, they do. We wish we could

find a glue that we could... Trust. Trust. Thank you, stranger.

Well, Mr. Average Man, you're in luck.

Have you ever heard of Elmo's Barnacle Glue?

Elmo's Barnacle Glue.

What an interesting name.

Do you know of the amazing properties of Elmo's Barnacle Glue?

No, I... Felix.

What's the matter?

My filling just fell out.

Thank you, Mr.

Average Man.

Good actor.

Now for our demonstration.

Is that the end of the story? Yes. Well, I only stay for the story.

You can do what you want, John, but I'd buy some of his glue.

If it's good enough for Oscar, it's good enough for me.

Thanks for the horsey.

Now that my father's gone, let's get down to business.

What does your glue do? I'll give you two minutes.

Yes, sir. Well, two minutes, two minutes. Exactly what I need. Two

before you came into the room... I took the liberty of applying Elmo's barnacle

glue to several objects in this room. As a matter of fact, the legs of the very

chair you're sitting in have been neatly sawn off and glued back with Elmo's

barnacle glue. You look a little skeptical. I was a skeptic once myself,

until a friend came to my home and showed me an amazing demonstration.

He glued my phone.

A glued phone, you say? What could that do?

Let's find out when we try to answer the phone.

Ring!

I'm sorry, I can't talk now.

I do.

Let's look around us and see what else we see. Ah, a pencil glued to a bowling

ball. A bowling ball picked up by a pencil?

Impossible, you say?

As indeed it is. Write down that word. Mr.

Unger, I think I've seen quite enough. No, no, no, please, just let us show you

one more thing. Please sit down, please.

think our two minutes is about up.

This was real exciting.

When that guy hit the floor, I almost died.

I just talked to Elmo. He figured out what was wrong.

Barnacle glue won't hold for any length of time unless it's wet. Water is the

secret ingredient.

Son, scientist, then how come your filling fell out?

Well, you made me so nervous with your cockamamie presentation, my mouth went

dry.

Well, we lost our money. No, he's going to give us back our investment.

How come?

The Gluco Corporation is going to give him a grant to do some research. They

think he could beat the problem.

They said we shouldn't have rushed into making a presentation.

Well, then it's all for the best, though. We're still in business. No,

not. They're giving him the money under one condition.

He gets rid of us.

He wouldn't tell us how. Are you kidding? He wouldn't even replace my

Maybe the name of another dentist.

Well, who's the only one who came out ahead, huh?

Well, my constrictor, my dear.

Would you like me to show you how we jar the glue?

Yeah. I mean, put the caps on it. Yeah.

Good. Well, come right this way, my dear.

Yeah.

Yeah, right this way.

playing with the horsey.

What's that stuff you made?

Hey, tell him.

Good tuna. Like that air duct you brought home.

Want a taste? No, I'm not hungry.

I'm still upset about that glue.

Yeah? No.

It wasn't in the cart.

I don't know.

I thought it was a sure thing. I was counting the royalties already.

Oscar, guys like us, we're just, we're not supposed to win the jackpot. That's

all there is to it.

Yeah, I guess that's the bricks. I remember when I was a kid, I hid a ball

a sewer. See, I went looking for it, and I found there a bag of money.

So I went for it. See, I ripped my pants, I scraped my forehead, but I got

And I brought it home to my mother. She said, you've got to bring it around to

the neighborhood and find out who it belongs to. So I went out, and I found

at the Kropkins tailor shop.

Had been robbed, see?

So I went home and she said, no, you've got to take it back to him. Maybe he'll

give you a reward.

Did he?

Yeah, he thought up my pants.