Original subtitles

Next week on our show, Family USA, Mother Betty attends a PTA meeting and

Harvey stars in a school hygiene pageant as an abscessed tooth.

Shut it off, Murray. Shut it off. Wait, I want to hear about the husband and the

daughter. Husband Bob, teenage daughter Allison, and boyfriend Brian go to

Cleveland on a shopping spree.

Gee, those people have a great life.

It's such an awful show.

I liked it, Felix.

You're a wonderful man, Murray.

You like it because you're not a pro. Pros can see right through that kind of

gut.

I liked it. It was dull, Murray. Dull.

Well, it was a documentary about an average family of just everyday people

you and me.

Everyday people aren't necessarily dull. I'm certainly not dull. You... You're

not a pro, Murray. You're just...

The first rule of filmmaking is no matter what your subject is, you don't

it in a dull, uninteresting manner. That director, he had no imagination. He

never probed into the insides of that family. They had no drama. The father

finds out his daughter's a prostitute. Big deal.

They never got into it. Why? Why does he find out?

He's sick and tired of your validation of feelings.

Did you say what I thought you said?

Yes, I did. I'm fed up with your crabbing.

That's not what you said, Martin. Oh, bellyaching, crabbing, it's all the same

thing, and I'm fed up with it.

That's not like you.

I'm not like me. The police department's been having group therapy sessions, and

we're supposed to say exactly what we feel.

You'll find I'm a lot more candid now, and I'm going to be candid with you,

Felix. If you think you know so much, then why don't you make your own

Instead of criticizing everybody else, just put your money where your mouth is,

buster.

Pretty good.

Now I'm going to go home and straighten out my wife.

He's right.

The fuzz is right.

You know how you can make it interesting. The first thing you see out

window, there's the janitor. Zoom in. No, he's boring. He's a boring janitor.

You've got to talk to the landlord about finding a more exciting janitor.

Someone with charisma.

Someone who's classic.

The odd couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

Would you mind zooming out, please?

Don't you want to know why I zoomed in? No.

Why not? Because I don't care. Oh, you're just being baggy. What have you

the bag?

My dinner. I don't have time to eat. I'll make you something.

You're not going to eat in your room. I won't make a mess.

You'll attract bugs.

They've got to eat, too.

Sherman marched through Georgia. He left it neater than this.

That's why you followed me around.

I've had a brainstorm.

What? I want to make a film.

Go ahead. Listen, you're a cleanie, maybe you're a felini.

I want to make a film about you.

Are you kidding? I'm a working man. How can you be bothered with that? I won't

bother you. You'll never know I'm here. Cinema verite.

See? I'm patting down, I'm patting down your leg and I zoom in on your sock.

Now you've got to toss your pants across the lap, aren't you?

No, I'm going to hang them up, see?

I zoom across.

I zoom down across the bed, across the floor. I've got to shoot this in black

and white. Nobody would ever believe it.

Why all of a sudden are you going to do a film? Because every time I see a movie

or watch TV, I hear myself say, I could do it better. And tonight I just got fed

up with my belly aching and I said to myself, Felix, be candid with yourself.

Put your money where your mouth is.

I haven't seen you this excited since they invented liquid wax.

It's not important.

It really is. It really is. And you won't bother me. I promise you'll never

them. I'll very tell you. You're just yourself. I'm a camera. I'm invisible.

Okay, shoot your picture, but I don't want to notice you. You'll never know

I'm there. Okay, good night. Good night. Not the light. Good night, star.

Good night. Good night.

Good night. Don't let the bugs bite.

Oscar's bedroom, take one.

You're eating a sandwich.

I'm going.

Now I'm panning down across the bed, across the floor of my title shop. I've

my title.

Mondo Filth.

Ah, the star awakened.

Go back, go back, go back, go back.

Wait a second.

Here we're coming. All right, action.

That's it.

As you come in, I want to get your characteristic slump.

Don't say that. I don't slump. Here we are.

Okay. Action. Now you're coming into frame.

You're coming in.

That's great. That is so good.

Where's the slump?

That's marvelous.

That's marvelous. Now, wait a second. Let me get a close -up of your food.

This isn't a bad spot for a film. Hey, don't go on the good spot. How's that?

Isn't that great?

Isn't that sensational?

What a sense of humor. What a guy. There's a newspaper right in front of

face, though. See, I put something in front of me, I look at the words, it's

full written.

That's how I make my living.

It's more important. All right, cut, cut. Fix it over.

Wait a second.

Don't leave me. I haven't had your dessert yet. Dessert with breakfast?

Prunes.

Prunes? You eat prunes first.

I'm shooting out of sequence.

Anyway, I hate prunes.

That's what I want to get. I want to get every facet of your personality.

Every single bit of you. Yeah. I want to get the hate. You want to get the hate?

Yeah. Okay. You rolling? Yeah. On my arm. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Can you guess where my camera is?

Here. Yeah.

No, don't touch the lens. You never touch a lens. That's my microphone.

Hello!

Don't shout.

It's too delicate.

I don't know. I don't think Mr. Madison's going to like this. Well, he

have to know about it. You're not going to tell him, are you?

Okay, mum's the word. Now, the main thing is just to engage him in

Talk. Loud. Get him to talk loud. And try to get him to face up towards the

camera. Okay. Okay. I think he's coming.

picture.

You said you'd call me Felix after earlier this morning than Megan.

I'll go plug in the pipe.

Before you do that, give me the New York Jets file, will you?

What? Give me the New York Jets file.

What? I said give me the New York Jets file.

Don't you want to talk?

No, I just want the file.

I said, what's with all the yelling here?

That's better. How are you?

He caught you.

Oh, I couldn't fool you, could I? But it was worth it. I got some great feeling.

I don't want that around my neck anymore. I don't want it in front of my

anymore.

Hey, Phoenix, will you stop?

A week ago, you promised you weren't going to bother me. Now you're in my

at home. You're in my hair at work. Give me the file, will you? I've got to

stop. I can't do it anymore. I'm not getting any work done. Give me the file.

Look, she's looking at the camera.

Phoenix, here. Look.

Hey. Bye -bye. The end. Oh, no, no, no. You're not going to walk off in the

picture, are you? Yes, I am. No, you wouldn't. Oh, it's coming along so

beautifully. I've seen the stuff. It's great.

Phoenix, are you willing to show your film to a professional and let him

whether it's good or not?

Do I have to? Yeah.

Then I will. Okay, I'll bring him home for dinner tonight. Who is he? Phil

Russell. He makes spaghetti westerns. Okay, I'll make some spaghetti.

Remember to buy spaghetti.

Lovely spaghetti dinner, Felix.

Thank you, Phil.

Now, here's a shot of Oscar eating breakfast.

Isn't that marvelous? Do you ever see a man eat like that?

There's the original stain.

There's the new one.

Sensational, huh? Here's a shot of Oscar's bedroom.

Call this scene Believe It or Not.

I didn't have to have a set decorator. His room looks like that all the time.

Here's Oscar asleep under a blanket of old clothes magazine.

Like that.

Here's Oscar shaving.

Here's the man shaved like that with a cigar in his mouth.

Here he is brushing his teeth at the kitchen sink.

Washing his mouth out with beer.

Was that water running, Phil?

Did you just feel the wetness?

Tactile value?

Look at Oscar, washing his hands on film.

Look at what we can't... That's what I call acting.

Acting? I've been washing my hands like that all my life. And that's all she

wrote.

Great footage, huh?

Not so loud, Phoenix.

I think your great footage put him to sleep.

When I was asleep, I was just thinking.

You were thinking how you can get out of here without telling them how rotten it

was, right, Phil? On the contrary, it was terrific.

Really? Really? In fact, you gave me an idea here.

Felix, I'm doing a film that is dying.

It's about a girl, Christine, a sweetie stewardess.

But it needs, it needs something to balance it. I need a story about a

man.

Oscar, he comes across as a lonely man. Yeah.

If I could put my film about the Swedish stewardess together with your film

about the lonely man, it would be perfect.

My film is 16 millimeters.

My super eight. But I'll blow it up.

I want you to direct the rest of this picture.

We'll have a big confrontation scene where the lonely man meets Christina.

As a matter of fact, we can shoot that scene right here in this apartment.

What about a script?

Improvise, just like you've always done. I'll supply the lights and the crew. My

own crew!

And all you have to supply is the apartment and the lonely man.

You got him!

Actor Prepares by Stanislavski. Who's he? The founder of the Method School of

Acting. This is the Bible.

I think you should have a lesson in acting.

Acting? What happened to be yourself?

That's when you were being yourself.

But now you must become a character.

Luke Marlowe. Luke Marlowe?

Luke Marlowe.

Lonely, sports writer, slob.

I think we should begin at the beginning with a very simple exercise.

Yes. All right, I think you should become...

Before you can become a man, you must be something simpler. Acting is becoming.

You become an object.

What was that before I was Oscar Madison? A pretzel?

Here's a pretzel.

That's too easy, see? I think you should be... A tree.

What kind of tree?

Any kind of tree you want to be.

I'm an uncle.

That's very good.

Why'd you stop?

I saw a dog coming.

It's not silly. It's not silly. You see, you chose to be that kind of tree.

Acting... It's a matter of choices. The greatest actors make the most

interesting choices.

You could have chosen to be a bush.

That's a bush.

A thorn bush, you see. You feel the thorns, you feel the danger. Yes, yes.

don't have to be a bush. You could have chosen to be a hedge.

That's a hedge.

A perfectly trimmed hedge.

That's the kind of hedge I would be if I were a hedge.

You would be a sloppy hedge. Yeah.

Now, emotion.

The most important part of acting.

to throw an emotion at you, you respond.

Hate. Oh, you say hate. I'm supposed to say hate. No, no. You use emotional

recall. You recall a time when you hate it and then it comes flooding out.

That's what the great actors do. Right now.

Hate. Boy,

that came from the heart. I felt that. That was great.

What were you recalling? The day you moved.

The same day.

I'm having fun with you.

See, that's why you're acting with superstition. You think you can't do it.

What are you doing?

I want to answer the door. You're not going to use any of the things we

practiced? There's an entry. No, no.

What are you going to do?

You create a situation out of reality. You heard the doorbell ring. Who's

I don't know until I see it. Your worst enemy.

Who? The worst enemy you have in the world.

The man who put the bullet in your leg.

The man who stole your wife away and broke both your arms.

He's on the other side of the door. You can hear him breathing. He can hear you.

You reach for the doorknob. He reaches for his luger. You enter the door.

Well,

this is the big day.

Is this the set?

Yeah. You like it?

Yeah, perfect for a living room.

It is a living room, Ed.

Where's Oscar? He's in the wardrobe. I'll get it.

Patience, everybody. We'll be right with you.

Oscar?

Well, Phil, I hope this scheme of yours works.

Where's the bed?

Get the bed.

There's only three ways we can go with this film. If we show the Christina film

now the way it is... We'll get a double X rating and go to jail. What?

If we cut in that Navy stuff, well, then we can only show it in the Philippines.

Well, you know how much money there is there.

I got enough bamboo.

So we go with Luke, the lonely sports writer, and hope for an R with an

explanation.

Do you really think having Madison will give it the remedially sociable value

built?

Let's hope so.

Well, where's the...

Let me handle the creative.

All right. Here's our star.

Oscar,

baby, you look wonderful. Meet my partner, Ed. Nice to meet you. I love

Colin. Well, you know my motto is never interfere with the artist.

So if you're all set, we'll eat. Come on. You're set. The camera's loaded.

ready to roll.

Hey, you bring this in for less than $10 ,000 and I'll kiss you. Not only that,

we're going to make a picture you can take your children to see. Are you

kidding? Where's the bed?

So spread out for a nice party. Let's have you in two steps so I can get you.

This is going to be rehearsal more for me than for you, I assure you. But we're

going to have a nice party.

I'm going to begin here on the flowers.

I'm going to go from couple to couple. So let's try it just for me now. Here we

are. And action.

That's very nice. Very nice. Try to keep your hair back from your face, dear.

That's nice.

That's not how you're dancing. We'll dub in music later.

That's sweet. That's very good.

Very, very good. And we come down here. Where are they?

There they are.

You two have just met.

Oh, but I really dig him. Not most professionally.

But, I mean, I really dig you. You don't understand. You're not motivated.

Yes, she is. We're motivated.

Man, woman, recall, all those things. Now, sit up straight. Sit up straight.

You're a nice girl.

You've just met. You sit on the couch and you talk.

Talk? You mean there's sound? Of course. Put the microphone on. Oh, I've never

been on sound. before. Well, I think I could sing.

Listen, I'm a little nervous, too. See, I never acted before.

Oh, acting's easy.

It is?

No, I'm just a substitute school teacher.

I've done lots of movies.

Did you see Last Tango in Tijuana?

You mean Last Tango in Paris?

There's one in Paris, too.

Oh, far out.

I've got to make it to Sweden. Do you know how creative they are?

Get back in your place, actor.

Hey, are you playing Luke?

Yeah. Hi, I'm playing Harry, the friendly next door neighbor.

Don't I know you? Did you see Last Tangle?

In Tijuana?

No, Tampa.

Didn't you work on a newspaper?

No, I work in a hospital. I'm a male nurse.

Felix.

No, that's all right.

There's something fishy about these actors here. You got butterflies in your

stomach? No, will you listen to me? She's not nice. She's a substitute

schoolteacher. He's a male nurse. You see what I mean?

Relax, Luke.

No, will you forget the Luke? This is Oscar. There's something strange about

these actors. You're nervous, aren't you? That's good. Use it. Use it. Keep

in the park. Here we go, everybody. All right, thank you, everybody. That was an

excellent rehearsal.

Now we're going for a take. This time, give it everything you've got.

Use emotional recall.

The same thing. We're going to start on the flowers.

And...

picture about a human being. Phil had another picture in mind about a

kind of a human being. Those two could never have gotten together. What are you

talking about? Don't you know the kind of film he wanted to make? No.

It was a porno film.

A double X rated film. The smut you see on 42nd Street.

ambition. All I saw was my name on a film.

Thank you, Oscar, for saving me. You're a true friend.

One thing.

Only the director says cut.

Oscar.

It's late.

No. Can I come in? Sure.

Little flea.

Can I talk with you for a while?

No, go ahead.

It's so ironic.

Felix Unger to make a mutt movie.

I've been a photographer, what, all my life since I was 14.

You know, remember when I was a kid?

There was a woman. I thought she was an older woman who lived down the street.

Francis Kugel.

We all lost boys used to think about her. She was a gay divorcee.

She used to undress without pulling the blind down.

So, one night I took my camera and I stuck out and I made pictures of her

undressing. I was such a straight kid. I was such a prude.

To this day, I've never developed those things.

Good night. Good night. What are you gonna do tomorrow?

Have that film developed.