Original subtitles

Hey, Felix, this sounds like a fun vacation.

A two -week tour of the thin spots of West Germany.

Where did you get that, Murray? From an adult travel agency we raided.

And this is where you want to take your mother on vacation?

Yeah, they gotta learn sometime.

We'll do better than that for you, Murray. I really appreciate what you're

doing, Felix.

What's he doing that you appreciate, Murray? He's helping me pick out my

vacation. You want my appreciation?

Take him with you.

Hey, I'll be gone for two weeks, Oscar.

Will New York be safe without you? Sure. All the criminals take vacations in

August.

Hey, here's something interesting.

Look at this.

Spend two idyllic weeks in the Caribbean.

Visit San Dominguez.

Ask him what happened in San Dominguez, Marie.

What happened in San Dominguez?

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

What happened?

It was in San Domingo that I, out of the goodness of my heart, tried to save

Oscar's marriage.

And it cost me mine.

I can remember it just as clear, as clear as the nose on your face.

No offense.

It all started when the Madisons and the Youngers decided to take a vacation

together. Hey, this is just like a flashback sequence in a movie. You know,

screen gets all wavy, and then our faces get all squishy like this.

Be that as it may, Murray, my former wife, Gloria, and I came by to pick up

Oscar and his former wife, Blanche.

There is no sign of him.

The plane leaves in two hours. We know that, sweetheart.

Eight years of marriage, and I have never made a plane without puffing.

What are we going to do?

We're going to sit here and contain ourselves and not make everyone nervous.

tea with the queen. What do you think?

Oscar, our plane leaves in less than two hours.

I'm ready.

But you can't get on a plane like that.

Sure he can. We'll put him in the baggage class.

Don't worry, I'll change.

Don't bother. We'll rent you a kennel carrier. They have them for big dogs.

That's typical Blanche starting an argument when we got a plane to catch.

Why don't you admit it? You did it on purpose. You never wanted to go away in

the first place.

Well, I did have a beautiful couple of weeks planned. I gotta admit that. A

couple of ball games, go to the racetrack, shoot a little pool, catch up

sleep, a case of beer. Now that is a beautiful vacation.

A vacation?

He just described our last New Year's Eve.

Except that night he wore a football uniform.

You hear that?

Why spend money? Go to the Caribbean to fight when we can do it here for free.

That's fine with me. I'm not going. Good!

Blanche, Blanche. No.

Oscar, I...

I think you rubbed her the wrong way.

There's no right way to rub her.

For eight years, we never made it through one vacation.

We fought in front of the Grizzlies in Yellowstone Park. We fought in front of

Goofy at Disneyland.

We had such a fight in the Grand Canyon, if you go there today, you can still

hear the echoes.

You see, these people don't know the first

basic ingredient of a good marriage.

The old give and take.

Am I right?

Well, Felix... It's obvious.

We've got to get them on this vacation.

Because if they could be around us a while, they would be inspired by our

marriage. Their marriage of straw would turn into a marriage of gold.

We could be Mr. and Mrs.

Rumpelstiltskin.

Felix, I don't know... But I do.

Glad you're here.

Oscar, Blanche says she wants to talk to you.

Oscar says he'd like to talk.

It's working.

Oscar, Blanche is big enough to give in.

Blanche, Oscar's weakening. Why don't you meet him halfway?

Okay. Yes, the old give and take.

What do you want?

What do you want?

I thought you were big enough to give in.

Call me a cockeyed optimist, but I believe in your marriage.

Call me silly, call me nutsy. You're silly. You're nutsy.

We fought over an ocean, two new countries, and an unknown lagoon.

Those guys sure weren't friendly tonight.

I just want to lie down.

That's a good idea.

Terrific. Where do you want me to sleep, on the headboard?

Those are the charming, thoughtful things that I find so endearing about

Oscar. Like walking ten feet ahead of me onto the plane.

What's the matter? Didn't you want the stewardess to know we were together?

How could she not know? You kept yapping at me all through the trip.

All I did was ask you for one little drink. Big deal. I didn't go get you one

little drink. Was there any reason to get on a loudspeaker and announce the

in seat 23F wants a Harvey Wallbanger?

Yeah, you carried the bags. Great.

Well, is there anything else I can do to please you? No, everything's wonderful.

Great.

Nice kid.

That nice kid just got stiffed.

You forgot to tip him.

Shows you how much you know. I'm supposed to tip him at the end of my

do you know? You never stayed here before.

What are you going to do, start a fight over tipping now? As good a reason as

any. Okay.

I thought you said you weren't supposed to tip until the end of your stay.

Now you got it. This is it, the end of my stay.

Oh, fabulous, fabulous.

Listen, Desk, this is Oscar Madison and Hut Number Two. Send the bell out back

to the bags. We'll check it out. Yeah.

Well, here we were.

Dear diary, guess what we fought about today?

Whether or not to tip the bellboy.

I wonder if the judge will ever believe it.

Excuse me, ma 'am.

Certainly. Thank you.

Oscar. Yes, ma 'am.

I'm not your ma 'am. I'm your wife.

I know.

Oscar, this way we're not really giving our marriage a chance.

Boy, we sure do fight a lot anymore.

How does it look to the natives?

Two Americans calling each other ugly.

Why don't we try to get along for the next two weeks?

You think we can?

We can try.

Remember that couple we saw in the sand dunes coming over here?

They weren't fighting, were they?

They sure were kicking up a lot of sand, huh?

Instead of fighting, let's see if we can't think of something else to do.

Like what?

Like this.

Hey, we didn't fight once during that whole kiss.

We were just having a business meeting. We'll meet you later, okay? I just

wanted to tell you that we're not going to stay in the main hotel.

We've taken a hut like you two love. Oh, you're going to love it. You're going

to love it. It wasn't my idea. When we got there, the whole place was sold out,

and they lost our reservations. Can you beat that?

I was going to make such a scene when somebody canceled out of hut number two,

so we grabbed it. Now, Felix, look.

This is hut number two.

See, we're the people who checked out, but we made up, and now we checked in

again. Ain't that a kick in the head?

I wouldn't dream of putting you out.

Well, that's very understanding of you. You're welcome to stay here with us.

What? Gloria!

Gloria! Guess what? We're all going to stay in the same hut.

Hey, isn't this great?

Remember I said on the plane it would be nice for your marriage if you could

watch a happy marriage up close? Well, we can't get much closer than this, can

we? We can't all live in one hut. What are we going to do? There's not another

room on the island. Oh, Felix, it is kind of a crazy idea.

Is that any way for Mrs.

Rumpelstiltskin to speak?

Felix, we can't do it.

We'll take a vote.

Yes? Yes? Yes.

It's a tie.

Dremelon? Yes.

Nighty -night, kids.

Night.

Going to sleep under that open window?

Yeah, what about?

No wonder your marriage is shaky. Your resistance is low.

Me, my crazy sense of humor.

Nighty -night.

Glass of water?

Check. Mosquito repellent? Check.

Sleep mask? Check.

Tissues? Check.

Nose drops?

Where are my nose drops?

They're in your hand.

Ah, check.

Light out.

Check.

He makes your bed checklist look like a dream.

What do I do?

Gargle, belch, and punch the pillow.

going to do something I haven't done in 25 years.

What's that?

Say my prayers.

No, no, come on. We want to start the Madison's off right. Show them how a

couple starts the day. Come on, come on.

Let's greet it now.

No, you're going to miss the sunrise. Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Felix, we like to sleep late.

What does it got you?

Sleep.

So that you'll wake up groggy and irritable.

Gloria and I wake up happy and greet the new day. Don't we, Gloria?

Gloria, maybe that's good for you and Gloria Bledge and I like to sleep late.

Who? Who's the marriage counselor here, you or me?

You've always done things your way for once in your life. Do things my way. All

right, all right. That's a nice boy.

Well, now that we're all bright and shiny, we'll have a super island

right?

Kumquats, eel, kelp, couple of Danish.

Aren't you glad you came?

Yeah, I'll be getting done in one. Look at that. I'm a loose goose.

Hi, medicines.

I'm a tired goose.

I thought you were going to fish all day. I made them turn the boat around.

Why? Who can fish with a naked woman on board?

Naked woman?

Blanche, is this naked? Of course not. Oh, don't encourage her. All I can tell

you is that she made a 90 -year -old Portuguese fisherman bathe his pinky.

been so busy taking care of everybody else, I haven't had a chance to do

anything for myself.

The Madisons are in trouble again.

Go sit with Blanche.

Why? The chair's over here.

Go sit in the same chair with Blanche. It's fun.

Look, look, look. You see what she's doing? What is she doing?

She's putting suntan oil on herself. Go do that. Why?

Because women love to have a man rub the suntan oil on them.

All right.

Honey, you want me to do that for you? No, I can do it.

Dear Abby wants me to do it. May I?

Ow!

What is that? I'm sorry, honey. I had sand in my hand and I didn't... You see

what you made me do?

So now you kiss her, you make -up. Do I have to tell you? No, dear Abby wants me

to kiss you.

Have you had your mouth in the sand?

Don't make jokes with your plans. I'm having enough trouble with him.

I'm fighting again. I can't even go to the bathroom.

You two, I'm warning you. If you two don't shape up, I'm tempted to ship out.

George is asleep.

He's driving me crazy.

I know, I know, dear. I've had better days myself.

I had a better time on Guadalcanal.

Don't say anything.

He's only trying to help. Do you call that help? Having the conga line dance

around us singing, Stay together, you two. Stay together, you two.

Tomorrow morning, I'm telling him he's got to get out of here. You can't do

that. Why not?

Because he's doing it out of the goodness of his heart.

Listen, tomorrow he leaves or I fly out of here. Now, what will that solve?

You always do that. Every time something goes wrong, you split.

Well, what am I supposed to do?

I don't know, but running away isn't going to help. Well, say something

constructive. If I heard something constructive to say, I'd say it. That

up your mouth.

Did you hear that?

Madison's are at it again.

After all the work we did, I knew we shouldn't leave them alone.

You hadn't run off with that marimba player.

He wasn't a marimba player. He was a busboy showing me to the ladies' room.

When you walk like a marimba player, they all walk like marimba players.

We've got a job to do and we're going to do it.

We'll fake a fight. Show them how awful they sound. Felix, please. I'm in a bad

mood. I don't feel like fighting. It's easy. You fake it.

I don't think I can fake it. Yes, you can.

I'll show you.

You always want to have...

Life is a two -way street, Jezebel.

All right, Felix.

You happen to be a very trying person. You're insensitive, you're aggravating,

you're unreasonable, and you're insanely jealous.

All right, now I'm going to tell you your faults.

You flaunt your flesh.

I wasn't acting.

You're joking, aren't you?

I wasn't joking.

Are you delirious, Gloria?

Did you get too much sun today?

I didn't get any sun today. You made me take off my bathing suit and get into a

blanket.

You don't break up a marriage over a blanket.

It wasn't just that, Felix. It was a million other things. What? What? What?

What? Tell me.

Because I'm a better cook than you?

Because I buy all your clothes?

Just because I clean after you clean?

Yes, Felix. Those and... Felix, I have to be honest with you. For the past

years, you have been driving me bananas.

And I love you.

I love you too, but I just can't live with you.

Felix, I'd rather be alone tonight.

sleep with you?

What's the matter?

Gloria threw me out.

Could you move over just a little bit?

I'll go and get in bed with Gloria. No, no, no.

I'm perfectly comfortable.

My neck out, dear. Please, excuse me.

Excuse me. It's all right.

Good night, Phyllis.

Oh!

Oscar. Yeah?

Can I talk to you about my life?

Now?

Tell me the truth, Oscar.

What kind of...

you think I am.

You want the truth?

Give it to me straight. I can take it.

Well, I think you're a nut and a lunatic and you drive everybody crazy. How

could you say a thing like that?

I was trying to help.

And you do help. I give you credit for that. But you don't know when to stop

helping so you lose the credit.

That's the thanks I get for trying to save your marriage.

Don't you see you'd be better off if you worked on your own marriage.

My healthy marriage was infected by your sick one.

Oh, yeah?

Then why don't you stay here? and put yourself under quarantine.

Could you move over a little bit?

Of course, I don't believe in any caste system.

This is a democracy, isn't it?

No, it isn't. It's a military dictatorship.

My wife and friends have walked out on me.

I know.

You want me to move you into single?

No.

Would you like to have a mango?

Sure.

Do you like being a bellboy?

Oh, no. As soon as my uncle retires...

I am going to become the assistant manager.

How will it look to have an assistant manager who drips mango all over

But this is the only way to eat a mango. It's fun.

It's fun to have your neck, your hands dripping with sticky gook?

Why do you always bug people?

You know, when I become the assistant manager, you can't stay here.

Well, Glantz and I had a fight at the airport.

A biggie. Three cops.

We'll make it up when we get to New York. We always do.

Besides, I figured, why blow a vacation?

Well, I should be with you. After all, you did try to help us.

You're a true friend, Oscar.

Hey, a mango.

But what happened?

What do you mean, what happened? You know what happened. We all got divorced.

That's what happened.

No, I mean about Ramon.

Did he ever make it as assistant manager?

Well, that's a whole different story. As we go back into a flashback sequence.

Ramon and I got a...