Original subtitles

I'll skip.

You promised to take your things to the dry cleaner. They remember.

Never mind, I'll do it.

They don't need it.

This doesn't need it.

Only Ward wants it.

We're in a bed.

Looks as though it's too late for this little guy.

They're mine.

We know that.

But mine have to hang up next to them.

I wish you would hang up next to me.

What's this?

Poor baby.

Worn a shirt, dyed a rag.

Not dead, only wounded.

I'll save your life, little shirt.

You're lucky you room with a guy who makes you laugh, you know that?

Here's a good game. Try to find the original crete.

Oscar!

How can you do this to me?

This is my health insurance payment.

I gave you this to mail over a month ago.

Oh, I forgot. You leave it here. I'll mail it tomorrow.

It's too late now. My period of grace has expired.

Oscar! If I get sick now, I'm not insured.

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

Why are you honking? A minute ago you were feeling fine.

A minute ago I could afford to feel fine. I thought I was insured.

What if I catch something now?

Call the insurance company. They'll be sympathetic.

Skyscrapers aren't built on sympathy, Buster.

What are you talking about? Your insurance agent is your friend. Call him

He'll help you. Oh, yeah, Ed Green.

Yeah, he likes me.

I'll call Ed Green.

Guy loves me. Yeah.

You call.

Why the guy doesn't love me?

You use the phone last. I don't want to catch a virus.

Fire, I attack people who don't have coverage. Come on.

All right, stop. I'll get out the door. Give me that number.

I feel better.

Good old Ed Green.

Sent me a calendar for Christmas.

A naked lady falling off a ladder in her home.

Hello. Ed Green, please.

I see.

Thank you.

Start honking. He was fired.

Oh, they'll cancel me for sure.

They've been looking for an excuse to get rid of me for years. All right.

Fired Ed to get to me.

I don't blame you. You know, you must put in a claim because the barber took

much off the top.

You also nicked me. I was covered for that under my general abrasion policy.

Because you put in for more claims than the flying one -enders.

It doesn't bother you at all that I'm not covered, does it? This is all your

fault. Let this be on your head.

What happened to Bozo Unger, the guy who always made me laugh?

How bad is my fault? I'll do something about it.

You're not going to help by painting your desk, are you? You're just raising

more dust.

Hey, wait.

Insurance agent, a friend of mine, I'll call and he'll come right over. What

company is he from?

Lloyd's of Lubbock?

track crony of yours? Yeah, but he's legit.

He insures all the jockeys in case they grow.

So, a couple of guys named Lloyd got together and started this company.

I don't see a New York office.

You have an office here, right, Lloyd?

Oh, sure, right here.

Here in this building?

No, no. Here in this apartment.

I don't have an office office. Wherever I'm sitting at the time, that's my

office. Cuts down on the overhead. Passes the savings on to you. I see.

Now we talk insurance.

Now, how much were you paying through your previous company?

$200.

$200.

Don't you have a piece of paper you could write on?

Paper costs money, Mr. Arter. Money is overhead. Overhead is higher rates.

That's why I can give you complete coverage for half of what you were paid.

$150.

Sir, $150 is not half of $200.

He's right, Lloyd.

Yes, sir.

$200. $500.

That's $100.

A little error in arithmetic.

Complete coverage, Mr. Unger.

$100.

That's great, Felix.

Oh, come on, forget the style. At least you're insured. That's important.

Just shake this hand, Mr. Unger, and you are insured as of now.

Don't I have to sign any papers or anything?

We trust you at Lloyd.

is insurance by handshake.

So give me your paw and $100 and we'll mail you a policy.

But she'll be insured as of now, right? As soon as she shakes my hand. Oh, I'd

have to clear it with the home office. Love it.

No, in Buenos Aires.

Argentina?

Well, now, Argentina is just a mailing address we use for tax purposes.

Oscar, please ask this gentleman to leave.

This is a solid company, Mr. Unger.

The military hunt is behind us.

Not business, just social. Goodbye, Mr. Lloyd. I think you lost him, Lloyd.

Well, win some, lose some.

I'll see you at the racetrack this afternoon.

You're insured, I suppose. Oh, cut it.

Is the only insurance agent I know?

You're not going to the racetrack with Lloyd or anybody else. You're going with

me. Where?

To my old insurance company. We're going to beg them to give me a physical and

reinsure me. What have you been made for?

To make sure nothing happens to me on the way.

A minor accident could wipe me out. I can get struck by lightning. I can get

bitten by a dog. I can get kicked by a horse. All right.

I'll handcuff you. I'll send you my diplomatic pouch. You owe me.

Okay.

See,

I wasn't prepared for that accident.

What accident?

orifice in my body.

Different doctor for each orifice.

Give me 20 to win on kidney stone.

Even check between my toes for athlete's foot.

I'm in perfect health.

Blood pressure is normal.

Pulse rate is normal.

Better than normal.

I achieved perfection in pulse rate.

Nurse said I had the body of a 17 -year -old.

What are you looking for?

Clean spot to stand.

Fantastic, I'll tell you that.

They raised my premium rates by twice as much. I've paid $400 now.

How come? New rates.

Because an old friend forgot to mail my check at the old rate. Does that ring a

bell? I said, Demons, at least you're insured now. If you get bit by a dog,

all right.

I'm not insured until I mail them the check.

Remind me, if you're going out, will you mail this for me?

There goes the last...

1965 tax return.

That's to my insurance company.

Did you take out a policy?

No, it's a thank you note to them for sending you home safe.

Sure, it's a policy.

Well, congratulations.

I'm proud of you. You scare me with all that talk. One accident could wipe out

all my life savings. I figured I was down there. I'd take out some.

You'll never regret it.

$400.

How much is your premium?

What do I have to take?

Two hundred dollars.

Two hundred?

Well, that's only half. I guess I have better orifices than you do.

You have the body of a 17 -year -old chicken.

Wax those doctors are. I'm a better risk than you.

Oh, come on. I'm an athlete. I play softball every Sunday.

Softball? What is this compared to this?

What is this? You're rocking a baby? What is that?

Isometrics. Look.

That's for softball games. That's for softball games. We have high scoring

games. Last week we won 59 to 16.

And when you come up to bat 20 times on one inning, you know you've done a lot

of running.

You asked for it.

Let's see you do this. What?

Hey, maybe if you jumped on the doctor's desk, you would have knocked off a few

dollars.

I don't find that very amusing.

I have to pay $400 because you forgot to mail my check. And I'm in better shape

than you.

You had to pay $400 because you're a $400 risk. I had to pay $200 because I'm

$200 risk.

You think you're in better shape than me? You bet your sweet orifice I do.

Let's have a contest.

You choose five events, I'll choose five events. We'll have a decathlon. Okay,

what's the bet?

I'll bet you the difference in our premiums, $200.

All right, shake that hand, and you've got a bet.

$57?

Fifty -nine.

Sixty. Oh. Hey.

You really believe you can beat Oscar? No kidding.

Look at that chart.

Look where I'll be by Saturday.

Yeah, but, you know, he's a sports writer.

He knows how to prepare himself mentally. He was up until 3 .30 this

preparing himself mentally.

Well, Joe Davis stays up late, too.

Murray, there's a difference between staying up late with a girl and staying

late looking for a girl.

Am I just the worst sinner? No, I'm going to run around. the reservoir a

of times. It's raining outside.

Oh. Well, then I'll run up and down the steps.

Why don't you take the elevator?

Murray, Murray, Murray.

Hey. Come on, sucker.

Hi, Oscar.

Where's Jack LaLanne going?

He's running up and down the stairs.

Why doesn't he use the elevator?

Oscar, Oscar, Oscar, I've got to tell you everything.

He usually runs around the reservoir, but it's raining out there.

A reservoir?

Must be a mile around that thing. It's a mile and a quarter. I clocked it. He

can do it three times.

What is this lot?

It's Felix's training breakfast. It's a special mixture of, uh, wheat germ,

yeast, and desiccated liver powder.

It builds up his body.

Everybody needs pizza and beer.

getting himself in very good shape. Look at that.

What is that?

That's his chart.

Isn't that cute?

Does he give himself gold stars, too?

What is that, 110 push -ups every week?

Uh -uh. That was for this morning. This afternoon, he's going for 120.

You saw him do that? I sure did.

You're kidding me. He made this up to impress me, to scare me. Uh -uh.

Everything he did is right down here. I wrote it myself. You see the two?

It's got the little curl on it.

That's a Murray curl.

Seven. Nine.

Eleven.

Oscar, Felix counted by ones.

I'm counting by ones, too. Up is one and down is one.

Seven, ten.

Twenty -one.

Twenty -five.

Oscar, you're counting by fours now.

And Felix's stomach never touched the ground. Oh, I can do it.

Thirty -three.

Sixty -two.

Eighty -two. Eighty -two.

Put down 82.

Oscar, I'm a policeman. I can't falsify public records.

I'll take care of you at Christmas.

82.

And make it a Murray curl.

You want to do some sit -ups now?

What a great idea.

I think I'll sit up on the couch.

Oh, boy. Put down another push -up.

Make it to 84.

Oscar, why don't you take a nice hot bath?

That's a good idea. Oh, Murray.

Murray, look at me.

Look. I look like King Kong and I got the strength of Fay Wray.

Don't you tell Phoenix how tired I am. Don't worry. Help me, help me, help me.

Point me toward the hallway.

Give me a hard shift. Go, go.

Felix, how are you feeling?

Where's Oscar?

He's taking a bath.

Not because he's tired. It's a cleanliness bath.

Did he just go in there or is he nearly finished?

He just went in. Good.

Oh, Felix!

Let me help you over to the couch, okay? Either that or bring it here.

Oh, what happened?

I guess I just overdid it.

I was jogging around the reservoir when I just gave out.

You don't know what pooped is until you've been overtaken by an 80 -year

woman.

An 80 -year -old woman? Wearing corrective sneakers.

Don't tell Oscar.

Oh, Felix.

I would never tell on either one of you.

Gee, I hate to leave, but we got a big porno raid tonight and I gotta go home

and shave.

Bye, Felix.

Murray!

Forces are so tough.

I just left.

I'm going to fix myself a high -protein drink.

You want some?

I'd rather have a beer, buddy.

Okay. I'll get it for you.

No task too great.

Jogging's a great exercise, you know that?

So they tell me.

It picks you up.

Doesn't worry you out. Just like push -ups.

Got yourself a charge, huh? Yeah, yeah.

Maybe four push -ups.

Well, yeah, I didn't have time for any more.

Uh -huh.

Yes, I got you. You're so tired you can hardly move. No, no.

Just resting one of my eyes.

sir. I'm not going to let you off the hook, not even if you beg me.

I'm not about to beg you for anything.

Why don't you just shake out here and then the bet is double. There we go.

That's a challenge.

We're going to have some real athletic events.

What are those events?

Handball's just not your game. I give you handball, but I rather like bowling.

Why not? You won.

Yes, even though I had to use rented shoes.

What's this pool business? What kind of game is that? A contest so you can stand

the most cigar smoke?

Oh, you've got a good eye, good coordination.

Pool is dumb.

Dumb. With a capital D that rhymes with P that stands for poop.

I saw it in a movie once.

Anyway, he beat you fair and square in tug -of -war. Tug -of -war.

We used his sheets. I might go on purpose.

Don't be a crybaby, Felix.

I beat you three out of four events. You want to quit now? We've got to come to

my events yet, remember?

What's next, Matt?

Oscar's fifth and final event is basketball, okay? Let's go. Right on.

right. Here we go. Yeah. What do we do? We don't play basketball. Not since

grade school.

You take the ball, come it in your hand, and you just go like that. You do

better than that. I hope so.

Give me a couple of warm -up shots.

Where are the laces?

They don't have laces anymore.

I like laces. Come on, let's go.

And it's with the foot.

Again with the foot? What is that?

Isn't that boring? It's not with the foot. Let me show them straight.

All right.

Look again with the foot.

Of course, you want to get 10 baskets in a week, okay? Okay, what do we do? You

take it out first.

Okay. Okay.

You've got your hands in my face. I know.

We'll put them down. I'd like to shoot.

Time out.

Felix, he's allowed to do that.

He's allowed to be rude?

It's not a game.

It's called defensive playing. You want to take a shot, get around your

opponent. Come on.

What's the matter now?

He didn't say time in.

Time in.

Oscar wins.

That's four out of five events.

I concede you basketball.

You want to quit?

Are you serious? Now we come to my events.

Ready, Mr. Referee?

Felix's five events are all going to be run at once.

What? Now, this is kind of a steeplechase, Oscar. Not like those

dubious skill you wasted our time with. This is a real test of conditioning.

What's with the gloves? You don't want to leave fingerprints?

I don't want to get calluses. You're free to wear gloves if you want to.

Oh, I like calluses. All right. Now, the first event is a walkthrough on the

parallel bars.

What kind of exercise is that? You walk through the parallel bars like this?

No, you walk through the parallel bars like this. Is that too much for you? Say

so right now if it is. You're free to stop. The second event is on the mat.

Handstand with an alley -oop. What's an alley -oop?

Headstand with an alley -oop.

Headstand and alley -oop. Oh, you say alley -oop? Yes.

Followed by five perfect push -ups where the chest touches the ground.

Next event, 100 -pound barbell military press behind the neck.

I think I can handle it.

Are you sure? Because if you're not, I wouldn't want you to hurt yourself. You

can do it. I'll try it. And finally, three perfect chins, the chin above the

block. Nothing to it if you're in condition.

Are you ready?

Let's try it.

One thing, gentlemen.

Anyone who fails to complete any of the events must go right back to the

beginning.

And may the better man emerge victorious.

Okay.

Gentlemen, start your engines.

I did three. No, you did two.

I cheated in two events.

See, I'd never alleyed, but I ooped, you know.

You're honest enough to admit you cheated.

I'm also honest enough to know how happy I am that I have that $5 ,000 insurance

policy. Oh.

$5 ,000?

Yeah. I have a $10 ,000 insurance policy.

insurance boss. He just cost me $75.

A guy named Lloyd just shook my hand. That's all.

I won an award for the best water fountain monitor. I won an award for the

amiable. And I won a plaque for neatness.

How did you win those?

I won them in a crab game in a boy's room.