Original subtitles

First time I've seen a man in a room self -destruct in five minutes.

He leaves clothing the way Hansel and Gretel left.

Gingerbread crumbs.

What am I going to do with you?

You're going to leave me alone so I can write this column.

Sure, write.

More crumpled papers all over my room.

It's like living with a police.

You know I am going to have to beat a deadline.

Yeah, I know.

However... What, will you hold your head with me until I finish the column? I

think I can battle it out if I get a roll on me, okay?

Oscar. What?

Oscar. Felix?

Remember last week's poker game?

You might find a scorpion in your weed germ.

Remember how despondent Murray was because he had a fight with his wife? He

didn't touch his knockwurst?

Look at this, the soap opera about Murray and his knockwurst. I gotta calm,

gotta calm.

They broke up.

Murray and Mimi split.

He left home this morning.

Oh, that is too bad. You know what? We'll take him out to dinner. We'll

him up as soon as I finish the column, okay? But let me get out.

I just wrote, Felix is staring.

One more thing about murder.

Hi, Oscar.

Can I borrow your toothpaste?

On November 13th, Felix Unger was asked

to remove himself from his place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right, but he also knew that someday he would return

to her.

With nowhere else to go, he appeared at the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier, Madison's wife had thrown him out, requesting that he

never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment without driving each other crazy?

He wants to be with his friends at a time like this.

Have you forgotten what it's like when your marriage went bye -bye? The best

part of my marriage was the bye -bye.

Murray, please, you're welcome to stay. I'm sorry you have problems and

everything, but just excuse me for a little while, okay?

Where's your bed, Murray? What bed?

Three o 'clock in the afternoon.

Murray's on the midnight to 8 a .m. shift.

It's my bedtime.

Yeah, but this isn't your bed place.

I've got to work out here. Let him sleep in my room.

He's been punished enough.

You know I wouldn't swallow food on my typewriter when I do that. This is an

emergency.

His wife kicked him out. She thinks he's carrying on with another woman. Can you

imagine?

You with another woman? Of course not.

Why don't you straighten around then? Because I am involved, but not the way

Mimi thinks. You see, I got assigned to protect a public figure.

And out of gratitude, she gave me her picture.

To my favorite fuzz, the Chi -Chi Rita Caballero, captain of the Jersey City

Jammers.

Your wife thinks you're involved with a roller skating queen?

She found skates under my bed.

Can you prove they were yours?

How? Chi -Chi and I were the same size.

Mimi said it was either Chi -Chi or her.

And I couldn't let her dictate to me, not when it comes to police work. I just

couldn't.

Oh, Murray, you did the right thing. We all understand that.

Murray, look. Look what I've got you. I've got a nice pillow for you. You see?

It's fluffy.

And this isn't filled with down, but from the body of some murdered duck.

This is foam rubber. It will allow for the indentation of your head and nose

other parts of your face.

It's nice.

Okay.

What's the matter? Is something wrong? Well, let me tell you, I'm not a

It's three o 'clock in the afternoon. I'm not wearing my jammies. I'm going to

take my tight rider. I'm going to put him on a murder duck pillow.

Felix, maybe I'd better go live somewhere else. There's a nice little

the river.

No. No river. Now, Oscar's just as glad as I am to have you here. He just

expresses himself badly.

I miss Mimi so much.

Oh, come on.

You big lug.

I see that brave Murray smile.

Come on.

Well, we'll work on it. Come on.

You ask Murray how long he's going to stay?

Indefinitely. Or until Mimi comes to her senses.

I'm going to call her. No. I haven't had a decent night's sleep in a week. He's

driving me nuts. I don't know why. I do all the work.

Felix, I've been here a whole week, and this is the best breakfast ever.

It's only been a week.

Breakfast, 11 .30 at night.

Oh, gee, it's really nice of you fellas.

It's almost like having breakfast with Mimi.

Breakfast was our favorite.

Hold on, hold on. You're doing so beautifully.

Oscar, give him a question from the sergeant's quiz. I want to go to bed.

on.

How close is a car allowed to park near a fire hydrant?

Gee, that's a toughie.

Mimi and I didn't get that far yet.

How long have you been working on it?

Next month makes 11 years.

All that time, Mimi and me studying.

From arson to dip guns.

It was wonderful.

All right, steady.

Come on. Don't look back. You've got to face the future with confidence. Come

on. Off to work we go.

Here we go, Officer Greshler.

Our guardian.

Protector of the city.

There we are. Doesn't he look nice?

A real policeman.

Your hat fits like a glove.

Doesn't he look nice, Oscar?

Take off.

Thanks, Felix.

Right now, Chi Chi's waiting for me to escort her safely from the roller rink.

As a duly authorized officer of the law, I must not shirk my responsibilities.

I bid you good day, gentlemen.

Hey, Columbo.

I forgot something.

Just like me. See,

it's so nice and shiny.

I cleaned the gun and changed the bullets.

Thanks, Felix.

I'll see you later.

Keep smiling.

There goes one of New York's finest.

Yeah, if you like blubber and blue.

I'm going to tell you something, Beards. He goes out. Oh, come on. That's it.

Oh, Oscar.

Have a heart.

I'm going to bed.

Oscar, how can you desert Murray in his hour of need? His hour of need always

comes in the middle of the night. But if we throw him out right after his wife's

thrown him out, he'll be horribly humiliated. Murray likes to be

That's why he became a cop. Oh, Bob.

Felix, another week of midnight breakfast. You on suicide patrol. I'll

ashtrays on the medical supervision.

Now, this apartment was not meant for three.

This apartment was not meant for two, but that's already a whole different

story. Oh, boy, are you abusive when you're sleeping. What am I supposed to

All day I have to tiptoe around because Murray is sleeping. At night I can't

sleep because Murray's awake. It's like living with an owl.

You just took your socks off. What are you doing?

They're going to Fresh Pair for tomorrow.

lunch for him four o 'clock in the morning. You think I like to get up at

'clock in the morning and make lunch? He was so appreciative the first time I

did it, poor guy. I just don't have the heart to stop.

Yeah, but Vince, how long is it going to go on? I never know what time of the

day it is. I went out to cover a hockey game at nine o 'clock in the morning.

Even the puck was asleep.

Oh, I'm sick and tired of watching Captain Kangaroo and then going to bed.

Slow down.

It's good for you. I hate it. Then why did you get up this morning?

Who got up? With Murray and his cockamamie hours, who's asleep?

The schedule's no worse than the doctor's.

Throw him out and find a doctor who's having trouble at home. At least he'll

there to make house calls.

I just don't think I've got artistic ability.

Oh, come on. Now, that's defeated talk again, Murray. And from a constable.

Let me see what you've got here.

That's a banana.

Now, that would say I am a banana to anyone who looked at it.

Murray, go after what you drew.

It's your nose.

It's a banana.

I'm saying, Jeff, let's go wash your hands. Why?

Because they're yellow. Go wash your hands.

No, they're not.

Will you go wash your hands? I want to talk to Felix behind your back.

You want me to leave the room? Yes, Van Gogh. I want you to paint another banana

or an apple or your chin or something. You don't mind, do you? Of course not.

Who am I to mind?

I went to see Mamie, and I convinced her to come here. She'll be here any

minute. Will she take him back? I don't know. She didn't say for sure, but I

think the minute she sees him, everything's going to fall into place.

pray.

Couldn't you?

Who do you think gave me these?

Two tiny winos?

Two Swedish stewardesses.

Remember? Yes.

I made a date with them for Saturday night. Now you know why Murray has to go

back with Mimi.

And, let's face it, Murray should be back with Mimi, right? Absolutely.

Let me handle this.

Murray! What are you going to do?

Let me handle this.

Murray, come here. I want to talk to you.

Do that one, Murray.

What was that?

Yes, right there.

Mary, marriage, marriage is a

beautiful thing. It is a union of two people. Tell him, not me.

Based on devotion and understanding.

It's a union in which each member cares more for the welfare of the other than

he cares for himself.

Such a union, Murray.

It's strong.

Yeah, like the teamsters.

What God hath joined together, let no man tear it down.

Amen, amen.

Murray, you and Mimi, after 18 years, you got too much going for you to just

throw it away?

Murray, Mimi is right outside that door now.

Hi, Mimi.

Hello, Mary.

It's nice to see you.

Nice to see you too, Mimi.

Isn't it nice? Nice and beautiful. Just beautiful.

Mary, I have something to say. She's got something to say. Listen very

carefully. What is it?

Mary, I want you to come home.

You mean it? Yes, you mean it. Oh, dear. The pit of power of a heart of poison.

Oh, you'll be happy.

the rebel by themselves. Oh, this calls for a celebration.

Mimi Murray.

Oh, you two wonderful, beautiful people. Mimi Murray.

Oh, believe me, I know what's in your heart.

Oh, Mimi, you're such a wonderful person. I have a feeling that

Mimi.

I know that I can count on you to make your...

into the kind of wife that Murray needs.

Well... I know that you will not make the same mistakes again.

Feel it.

What do you mean?

Sit down, Mimi.

Sweetheart, if you can't recognize a few problems, if you're not willing to make

a few changes in yourself, then you're doomed to failure.

I'll handle this one.

Mimi, this man came to us, a pathetic, broken toy.

Somebody had broken his spirit.

He had no pride, he had no confidence, he had no personality.

That's what you left me to work with.

Look at him now.

After one week, he has poise, he has confidence, he can draw a banana.

just sit there, Murray. Take out your gun and shoot him.

Your function now must be to build him up, to increase his self -respect. Mimi,

darling, this is crucial.

You've got to do better.

Murray, say something.

Mimi, how come you never got up at 4 a .m. and made my lunch like Felix does?

I'm not going, Mimi.

What? I'm understood here.

I belong here. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to my room.

Goodbye, Oscar.

Tell Murray when he wants to come home to let me know.

Nice seeing you, Mimi.

Goodbye, dear Abby.

Saving your life.

Four o 'clock in the morning. What are you doing here?

What do you think I'm doing at four o 'clock in the morning?

Making Murray's lunch.

Second question. Why are you still living here?

You think that... witty, huh?

Four o 'clock in the morning, you're going to have to settle for Shirley.

Nobody said you had to get up at four o 'clock in the morning.

How can I sleep with Murray singing in the bathroom?

Murray singing?

Nineteen choruses of I Feel Pretty.

But you see, that's wonderful.

He's expressing his independence, his manhood. Now, I'll help him with that.

Don't you understand?

You're creating a monster.

Nosenstein!

all the time now? These last couple days have made a new man out of me. I seldom

even think about going back to Mimi.

I do.

Oh, Felix, I won't have time to eat my lunch. Just put it in the bag, will you?

Beef's strong enough in the bag.

Oh, well, I'll just pick up a hot dog on the way. Don't worry.

Oscar? What?

Got mushrooms? Yeah.

Hey, you know something?

This apartment is just too small for three... swinging bachelors.

I think I'm going to start looking around for a bigger place.

Hey, rest up, you guys. Tonight is Saturday night, and I know you've got

something wild planned for us.

Look out, world!

Murray Gressler's coming through!

And nothing can stop me now!

Now!

I've got to destroy Nosenstein.

I don't believe I just postponed a date with two long, lean Swedish legs for one

big, fat cop.

I just hope this works. Do you think we can fool him?

Are you kidding? Anything fools Murray. Last year, five criminals got away from

him by yelling, hey, your shoe's untied.

Play Parcheesi with it. You can have brown.

Yeah, grab it, sir. We'll have cocoa soon.

Cocoa? Yeah. I put a sprig of cinnamon in it for tang.

It keeps your anxiety in abeyance.

Hey, bot car!

Look, look, look.

Come on, Bonesy. Hey, Oscar Felix, this is Saturday night. We're supposed to

have dates.

You know, kicks, fun.

He wonders why we're not having fun.

You're looking at a very depressed man.

Usually, he puts up a good front, but...

Something happens to a man when he hasn't had a date in six months.

Girls who go out with divorced men, they don't want a meaningful relationship.

They're only out for what they can get.

Six months?

But you go out, Oscar. I've always seen you with great knockouts. Ah, but where

are they now, Murr?

Face it, the swinging single life is a fake.

Come on, grab a chair. Join the game. Later, we're going to make tiny fudge

balls.

The winner gets to lick the...

Guys, I don't want to interrupt your game.

I think I'll just go out and maybe walk my old beach.

Well, if you come in after ten, try to hold it down, will you? We'll be

sleeping.

Nine.

The girls are waiting. Let's get dressed.

Come on, Felix. We won't wait for a cat. We'll run across town.

Nobody should be alone on Saturday night.

Are you guys going somewhere? No, no, I'm just... We're going down to the

laundry room. Hey, guess what old Murr has done for you boys? What? You didn't

have dates? I got you dates.

Hold it, girls.

Gentlemen, may I present the captain of the Jersey City Jammers, Miss Chi -Chi

Cavallaro.

so I thought we would have a little fun.

What are we going to do? Well, we could ask them to fix our car.

Hey,

who wants to butt heads?

No, let's not. I've got a headache.

Look,

we've got a problem here. Even if we wanted to go out with these girls, which

don't, we can't. We have a date, remember?

Yeah, so I know what. What? You tell me. Hey, Felix, honey, you got anything

to...

She seems to be your kind of person.

She has one good habit.

We've got problems. Look, we have a date with the girls, right? Here's what

we'll do. We take these girls out. Now, when they have to go to work, we'll

split. Then we'll pick up the other girls, okay? Good, good, good.

One thing. What?

I'm not taking the plain one.

The plain one?

Which one is the plain one? Murray's the prettiest one out there.

Let's not use our right names, okay, Howard?

Do you know what you just did? You ditched Lulu, Boom Boom, and Chichi in a

York City street after dark.

Well, if we're lucky, they won't hurt anybody.

What a night. And we lost those two sweetest long legs. Hey, wasn't that

exciting? You see the way Chichi bashed that old skater right up the wall?

Boom!

That was in the restaurant after the match.

Oh, that was one heck of an evening.

A wild, swinging night in the town. Wow!

What about that guy?

He's got a date with Godzilla's niece, a ride at the roller rink, and he thinks

he had a good time. Exactly.

He thinks he had a good time. Didn't he? Oh, of course not. It is so obvious.

That man is deluding him.

Wait. I'm going to prove something. What are you going to do? Just wait. Just

wait.

Sit down, Murray.

Here? Yes.

Can I sit down over here? Yes.

Murray, I was watching you tonight.

You're a very unhappy man.

I am?

You know how you're fooling yourself?

I've known you a good long time, Murray.

Your place is with Mimi. Remember the words of Shakespeare.

This above all to thine own self be true.

Hamlet act one, Polonius to his son Laertes.

You're right, Felix.

You're absolutely right.

I'm going to start packing.

That was wonderful. A miracle. How'd you do it? I am able to communicate my

thoughts to others. I have that gift.

I've had it all my life.

Really. Now, you see, if I hadn't told him that, he would have continued to

delude himself.

He would have gone on believing he was happy. He would never realize and

recognize he belongs with me.

Mimi, what are you doing here?

Mary called me from some restaurant.

He said deep down he really wasn't having a very good time being a swinging

bachelor.

I should come pick him up.

It's parking. Go in and help him, darling.

Mary!

Erase all that. Erase what you said.

I guessed that that's what he had done.

I did, but I didn't have the courage to say what I had guessed. You see, my

problem is I lack confidence.

Felix, aren't you deluding yourself when you say, I think I enjoy living with

Oscar?

Remember Macbeth? Act two, scene one. Macduff to Macbeth. Those immortal

Why don't you move out?