Original subtitles

Ma, in between your world tours, we see each other once in a while. Let's have

some fun.

You're right.

But you're really looking for a girl.

Yes, ma.

And you really want to get married again. Yes, ma. And you have nothing

grandchildren. No, ma. Ma, you started this discussion on the courthouse steps

the day I got my divorce.

Will you drop the subject?

All right, the subject is solved.

More coffee?

You ask him if he found a nice girl yet? Subject is open.

We were just talking about that.

Mrs. Madison, I'm the last guy in the world to nag or meddle in somebody

business. Believe me, I'm not that kind.

But it breaks my heart to know that this wonderful son of yours doesn't have a

nice, steady girlfriend.

Well, he says he goes out.

Doesn't he date nice girls?

The nicest girl he ever brought up here stole my watch.

Oscar! I, on the other hand, date a very lovely girl, lives right in this

building, Miriam, Miriam Welby. She holds down a very responsible position.

I see my ex -wife from time to time.

Our relationship is amicable. I wish it were more than that.

I have a full, satisfying life. Me too.

You two what? Me too, on the other hand. I met a very nice girl I've been

seeing. I don't tell you everything.

When? Who? What? You don't know her. Why didn't you tell us? Oh, that's

wonderful. When are we going to meet her? I don't know. Saturday night.

night. All four of us will go out.

Let's do that. Let's do that. Call her. Call her. Call her, Chickie. My Chickie.

Chickie. Call her.

Make your mother happy.

Call her.

Call her, Chickie.

Hello, honey.

Oscar. Listen, I was wondering if you were busy Saturday night.

Son of a gun.

Yeah.

Ma?

You'll never talk to girls in front of me.

I'll go freshen up.

Isn't it a wonderful feeling? Well, my mother's in town.

Yes. How could you have a girl without me knowing about her?

Who is it?

Let me just talk to her.

Hello? This is Felix Unger. Oscar Madison's probably told you a million

about... What?

The correct time is 1 .13.

That is right.

On November 13th, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his place of

residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right, but he also knew that someday he would return

to her.

With nowhere else to go, he appeared at the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier, Madison's wife had thrown him out, requesting that he

never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment without driving each other crazy?

The odd couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

Chickie, I can't wait to meet your girlfriend Saturday night.

Bye -bye, dear.

Bye -bye, honey. I'll see you then.

I'd be good and ashamed.

Lying to a mother who calls you Chickie.

I lied because you backed me into a corner. Oh, it's my fault.

Yeah.

Used coffee?

Don't help me.

My mother goes on world tours worrying about me in 26 countries.

Every tour guide in Asia knows I'm not married.

She's trying to help you.

She enrolled me in a lonely hodge club in Istanbul.

Last week in the mail I got a sheep's head with I love you written along its

neck.

So what are you going to tell her Saturday night when you don't have a

that going to make her happy? I'll find somebody. Who, who?

I was thinking of Mary.

Mary? With the tattoo?

You know about the tattoo?

She dresses to feature it.

How about Peter? Oh, good.

Maybe she'll bring my watch back.

Oh, but I will. That's all you're for. You're the cooler, cooler, cooler.

You're right.

I pushed you. I know I did. I'm sorry. Let me make it up to you. You'll move

out?

Let me find your girl. Oh, yeah. No, no. I'll find someone your mother will be

crazy about. I can do it. I'm a natural -born matchmaker. All the great matches

I predicted.

John and Yoko, Liz and Richard. I knew it was going to happen.

Give me a girl. I'll give you a guy.

Jane Fonda.

Don DeLuise.

Don DeLuise?

Give me a hard one.

Give me a guy. I'll give you a girl. Oscar Madison.

Raquel Welch.

You won't do this at this game. You see, I know your taste. Well, she may not be

available, but now I... Oh, wait, no, wait, no. I promise you I'll have a girl

here.

I wonder where he can be. Come in, come in, come in. Sit down.

Make yourself comfortable.

I'll bet he's in the kitchen, cooking dinner.

He's a wonderful cook. He's just an all -around goner. And his cleaning is every

bit as good as his cooking. It's just... What are you doing?

I'm cleaning the countertop.

On my floor?

What's that terrible odor in here? Hey, hey, hey!

Hey, hey, hey!

Shh, shut it down. Not too loud. Well, it's not a cake I'm making.

What are you making?

It's a casserole.

We'll talk about it later.

I've got a girl here.

Oh, well, I'll get out of here. No, no.

Well, she's for you.

Oh, for me? Yeah.

Hey, she's a doll.

She is a lady.

What'd you pick her up?

I didn't pick her up, as you so elegantly put it. I met her.

Where? What does it matter where I met her? I met her. If it doesn't matter,

tell me where.

I met her at the doctor's office.

Oh, she got.

Oh, come on.

You don't want to meet her. I do want to meet her. She's cute. I'm going to

introduce you. Now act like a gentleman. I will. Don't worry.

Here we are.

I want you to meet one of the most brilliant, clever, intelligent,

personable guys it's ever been my great good fortune to know.

Hi, want a beer?

No, thanks.

I'm sorry, Doris Atkins? This is Oscar Madison. Hello. Nice to meet you. Nice

meet you.

Well, I have to go to the movies.

Yes, I'll be there.

Where are you going?

Just going to get some fruit to take to the show.

I'm not here. I'm not here.

Well, what kind of work do you do?

Oh, I'm a music teacher.

I teach violin and piano. Isn't that wonderful?

Now, what do you do, Oscar?

Oh, I'm a sports writer.

Oh, that's right. Felix told me.

That must be very exciting. It is exciting.

It's terrifically exciting.

Very exciting.

Tell him about your music education.

Oh, he doesn't want to hear about that. I certainly do.

Yes, I certainly do. Well,

I went to...

here. Yeah, it's Oscar.

You notice she makes the same sound I do?

No, I didn't hear you. Listen, have you ever tried this stuff?

The doctor gave me this, and it's been terrifically effective. Oh, no, I took

that fish yesterday.

Yeah, that's pretty good. It's almost the same stuff.

I have this, too.

Now, this is for stuffiness, and this is for pain.

For sneezing.

Watch out.

common, don't we? Yeah.

I bet you wouldn't be interested in seeing my vaporizer.

Yeah, I'd love to.

All right.

I think you'll agree it's a beauty.

I just... I was just making a gesture of friendship. That's all it was.

Oscar claims I brought the girl home for myself.

Poor girl was clogged. I had to do something.

He won't even talk to me now. He's gone out to a single bar. Can you imagine

that?

The thing is, I found the perfect girl for him today.

Felix, am I the black or the white?

You're black, Murray.

I just can't seem to get the hang of this game. You're doing fine. You're

fine. I'm a whiz at casino and goldfish.

Don't leave. You're getting hot, Murray.

I gotta go.

I gotta find my badge.

I left it someplace.

Oh, hi, Oscar.

Hi, Murray.

I found a badge in a hole.

Thanks.

Aren't you gonna ask Oscar if he found a date for Saturday night?

Well, yeah. How'd you do it? Did you get a girl for Saturday night? No, I came

up empty. I'm no good at picking up girls anymore. It's a whole new world.

Everybody's liberated but me.

Wouldn't it be ironic if our friend Mr.

Madison came slithering back, begging me to fix him up with a date?

I gave Mr. Runger a chance. I ended up at the movies with a bag of fruit.

All right, I made a mistake, but I learned something from it. And now, now

found the perfect girl for him. I don't want to hear about it. But Murray does.

Murray, sit down. Murray, listen.

This afternoon, this very afternoon, mind you, A wonderful Greek family came

my studio. They wanted to have their portraits made.

In this family, there was a beautiful daughter.

Her name was Helen.

What's that you say?

Yes, just like Helen of Troy.

I didn't say.

A lovely, dark girl with gleaming eyes.

Elenia. Elenia.

So I told them. this wonderful woman of the island, about my roommate Oscar.

I can still see the way her warm, moist, eager mouth formed his name.

Oscar.

Oscar.

They were made for each other.

And his mother would love her.

But no.

Through that door on Saturday night is going to walk a mother who could be made

happy in 26 different countries.

But for a selfish son.

All right, Phoenix, call the girl. What is that idea? You know what you're

hearing? He's talking to me.

Congratulations. You made a very wise choice.

I'll tell you something. What? Your mother is very lucky that her son has me

a friend. Yeah, but don't make a dumb of a date with Sally. I want to meet her

first. Leave it to me. Leave everything in my table.

Another job well done.

By your man in blue.

Hey, this isn't my bed.

Some dumb cop lost his bed.

Forget it, Felix.

Are you introducing me to her? I take her right out for coffee. Something like

that. No, no, Felix. Exactly like that.

Oscar, you just can't grab the girl and leave. You've got to meet the entire

Damascopoulos family. All right, I'll meet the entire Damascopoulos family,

went out for coffee.

You've got to talk to them. You're going to love sitting and talking with them.

They're old world people. They're charming. They're a fun group. Believe

you're going to love them. Hello, Felix.

Oh, Mr.

Madison, I recognize you from the newspaper.

Welcome to my company.

This is the... Famous American sports newspaper writer, Oscar Madison.

How are you?

Felix, we know everybody.

Califere Filimu. Good.

This is my saint mother.

How are you?

That's my father.

How do you do, sir?

He's resting.

And that's my son, Andrea.

He's a sponge diver.

Sponge diver?

Well, since we moved to New York, he doesn't work that much.

But maybe you could help him.

Oh, I'm sorry. Most of my friends are in foam rubber.

Oh, no, no, no.

He's going to be a wrestler. He's very strong.

Sit. Sit down. Sit down. Go ahead. Oh, no, no.

One,

two, three, go!

One, two, three, go!

You're very strong. You're going to be a very good wrestler.

How do you turn this guy off?

And sit down.

Nothing.

And that's my jewel.

My lovely daughter, Elena.

Very nice to meet you.

Go sit.

He likes you.

just like in Greece.

Excuse me.

I'll show you something.

Would you like to go out for some coffee? What the hell? We have a nice

here. That's right.

Home fun is the best fun.

The family album.

Gather around. Take a chair, family. Look at this.

Oh, nice.

Who's that?

That's Andreas.

He's played that. Ah, you see, Oscar? Yeah. Tearing the arms off his teddy

Would you like to go out for a walk? I don't know.

Is she going to go get a coat?

No, that's the end of the meeting.

We make first meeting short to make next meeting longer.

Very nice meeting you all, and I hope to see you again very soon. Don't go.

We don't need the internet to enjoy ourselves.

Well, it's a lot better than arm wrestling. Oscar, look, look. Here's a

of the whole family.

Well, oh, but we start the scrapbooks from the middle. No, no, no. Sit down.

We'll start at the beginning.

Sit down. Look at the scrapbooks. Helix.

Helix.

Etch, lay, and scray.

It means you didn't get a date.

Your tie looks adorable.

Great news.

Mr. Doublest Couple has called me at the studio.

He invited us to his restaurant tonight.

So?

Well, Helen will be there. You can introduce her to your mother.

How? In Panama?

I don't even know if the girl can talk.

Please, my mother knows I'd never go for a girl like that. Oscar, what is the

matter with you? Come along.

The worst thing that could happen is that you'd have a good time. Oh, sure.

have a great time.

I'll say, Mom, this is Helen. Her father will go like that next thing you know.

I got an old man sleeping on my shoulder.

What are you going to tell your mom? I'm going to tell her the truth, Phoenix. I

don't have a steady girl. I may never get married. Hold your voice. She has to

face the fact. No, I'm going to tell her right now. Hi, Chicky.

Oh, hi, Phoenix.

Where are we going tonight with your young lady? That's what I'm going to

you, Mom. Where is she? I'm dying to be here. I was up all night thinking about

it. That's what I want to tell you, Mom. Go ahead. Tell her. Tell me what?

How would you like to go to a Greek restaurant?

Wonderful. Old American toast.

Bottoms up.

What is that?

It's Greek. It means good luck.

Nice.

It is weird, Helen. We've been here an hour and my mother thinks I made her up.

Is anything wrong, Mr. Madison?

No, no. We're having a wonderful time. Thank you.

What's the matter with you?

These are old world customs. You don't offend people.

Mr. Madison, your mother is beautiful.

Oh, I just love Greek food. We had it in Hawaii.

Another toast for Mrs.

Manson.

Yashu. Yashu.

Good health.

I have to say two words now to the band. They are all relatives.

Oscar, where's Emma? She'll be here in a minute. Listen, I want to tell you

something about it. What, what?

Well, you know, you're used to seeing me with talkative girls. She's very shy

and very quiet.

Well, quiet is nice.

Quiet is beautiful.

Now we dance. Are you dancing, too?

Is

that

me today?

Go ahead.

It's okay. I saw it in Zorba the Greek. Not okay. I saw the boys in the band.

and I've only seen you dance with men.

Oh, we're having a lot of fun.

Mr. Mudson, Mrs. Mudson, Felix Unger, I want you

to meet my daughter. Oh, it's a mess.

Everybody!

My lovely daughter Ellen!

Thank you.

This was so exciting after I once got used to this.

My name is Aristus, but you can call me Ari.

Oh, Ari, you're a nice man. My name is Elizabeth, and you can call me Betsy.

dear lady Betsy, you made this evening wonderful.

You sure are nice and quiet, but not when you dance. We're going to dance a

Say my name again, will you?

Oscar. Yeah.

You want a den?