Original subtitles

Hey, Billy.

You're home early.

Oh, have I got a surprise for you.

You wipe your feet?

Bigger than that.

I have four of the hottest tickets for the hottest show on Broadway, free

tonight. You've got tickets for Kiss My Face? Yes, that's right.

What is that crazy musical?

That's fantastic. How did you do it? People have been waiting a year and a

for tickets to that show. I got the theater critic four tickets to the Jets

game, and he got me these.

Oh, that's sensational.

Miriam's coming down for dinner. This is better. We'll go to the theater.

What'll I do with my baked noodles?

Put them in a bag. We'll take them to the theater.

I'll freeze them.

Oh, boy, I love the score to that show.

Kiss my nose.

Kiss my toes.

Is that this show? Oh, yeah. Don't you love it? Maybe I like it better when

do it.

Kidding me?

Who's your date gonna be? Well, that requires a little sport, doesn't it?

Not everybody appreciates an evening in the theater.

You got to figure who'll get the most out of it, huh?

Oh, I got to figure out how I can get the most out of it.

Felix, don't you understand?

This is a sure thing. He's a guaranteed can't -miss point scorer.

This is unbelievable.

Unbelievable.

A playwright struggles for two years with this script.

Finally, when he's finished his masterpiece, he slumps over the

exhausted and says, good, now Oscar Madison can score.

So I can't let him down, huh?

It's your life.

Why don't you give it back to me?

Better go tell Miriam upstairs.

Who are you calling, Rhoda?

Rhoda? Are you kidding? Rhoda's the last resort.

Hello, Phyllis? It's Oscar.

Listen, I just got my hands on tickets to the hottest show on Broadway. Kiss my

face. Yeah, now the only one I considered taking was you. I mean, you

style, you got the class, you got the dresses. Yeah, so you're the only one I

would consider taking.

Tonight.

You can't make it?

Don't worry, I'll get somebody else.

Hello, Rhoda.

On November 13th, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his place of

residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right. But he also knew that someday he would return

to her.

With nowhere else to go, he appeared at the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier, Madison's wife had thrown him out, requesting that he

never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment without driving each other crazy?

The odd couple were filmed in front of a live audience.

Hello, Rhoda.

Oscar.

Oscar Maness.

How many Oscars do you know?

You know Oscar Homolka?

Wait a minute, listen. Rhoda, I got great tickets tonight for the hottest

on Broadway, Kiss My Face, and you're the only one I considered taking.

Yeah.

Oh.

Well, can't you postpone it?

Can't you push it back one day?

Oh, sure. Okay.

And congratulations. I'm sure you'll make a pretty bride.

That's the whole book.

Now I'm up to weights and measures.

What are you doing?

I'm getting dressed. Come on, come on. We don't have much time.

Who's your date?

Oh, I'm not sure. You know.

Well, you don't have any time now. Come on, you better get one. Well, you know,

Phineas, I'm kind of bored going out with the same girls all the time. You

no spark, no interest. I want to meet someone new and exciting, you know.

that's fine.

What about tonight?

Well, I figured I would go alone and take the extra ticket with me, you know.

Whatever life has in store for me, I'll be ready for it. I'll meet it head on.

You know what I mean?

You couldn't get a date. Shut up.

What happened to all your prospects?

Well, they couldn't make it. Either they were sick or they had something they

couldn't get out of. Oh, I'm sorry.

I really am. What do you got to do now?

Well, like I said, I'll go alone. I'll take the ticket with me.

What'll you do? Turn it in to the box office?

No, maybe I'll find a girl on the way.

Find a girl? Yes.

You mean pick up a girl?

What's the matter with you? Didn't you ever pick up a girl before?

Yes, of course.

In occupied France.

So? So?

I don't want you hanging out of the window of the cab, banging on the door

saying, hey, good looking, what's cooking?

Was that your line?

Yeah. All the other guys said hubba hubba, so I... Don't worry, I won't do

front of you and Miriam. You go to the theater and I'll meet you there.

What's the matter?

You think I can't take a little humiliation for a friend?

No matter how you plan to make a fool of yourself, your friend will go with you.

So get dressed and let's go.

Okay, I'm better.

We'll meet you at the theater.

Oh, the overture's about to start. Wouldn't you know it? He'd keep us

The only man... Oh, isn't that him across the street? Where? Where? Over

The one talking to the meter maid.

Finally. Thank you for the ticket. That's my pleasure. Let's go in. Well,

You're alone. No, I'm alone. Leave it alone.

What's the matter? Didn't the meter maid like musicals?

Trying to pick up a meter maid. I didn't try to pick her up. She nailed me by

Jay Walker.

What are you going to do with the ecstasy? Keep it between us.

Give it to me. What for?

Give it to me. I'll distribute it to some needy theater goer. You two go in.

down. I'll be right with you. Come on. To the left.

Excuse me.

Yes? Are you alone?

Yes. Good, so is... Do you want to see the show?

That's what I'm standing in line for. I have an extra ticket. Oh, how much is

it? Well, it's $9 .90, but... I'll pay you $15 for it.

You don't understand. Okay, $20, but that's as high as I go. Let me explain.

right, $25.

$25?

Put your money away, miss. Now, miss, would you mind waiting over there? I'll

with you in a minute.

Okay, buddy, you're coming with me.

I'm going inside to see the show.

Oh, no, no, no. You're going to see the police station. Now, you have a right to

remain silent unless you give up the right. Why? Why? You think I was trying

pick? No, no. I'm not a masher. Yeah, I know.

Now, you have the right to remain silent. What is this?

Ticket scalping is against the law. Ticket scalping?

I'm not a ticket scalper. I was trying to get a date for my friend Oscar

Madison. Who?

Oscar Madison.

Is he there? Here he is. The curtain's going up. Did you get rid of the ticket

yet? Mm -hmm. Are you Oscar Madison?

Yeah. Is this your ticket?

Yeah. Okay.

Then the two of you, let's go.

What is it? Don't say anything. You have the right to remain silent.

this entire fiasco.

Come on.

Get it off your chest. You'll feel better.

Nothing to get off. It was an accident. You couldn't help it. I don't blame you.

Wasn't that big of you considering that it was your fault?

If you'd been able to get a date, this would never have happened.

All right, Felix. That's it. Put him up.

Go ahead.

Hit me. I'm numb. I stopped feeling pain two hours ago.

The whole evening in the police station. Look at these hands.

I know I was there.

my whole life.

Riding in a paddy wagon.

And I had to stand all the way downtown.

Nobody told you to offer your seat to that lady.

She'd been on her feet all evening.

You embarrassed me at the police station. How?

By putting a handkerchief over your face like you were Al Capone. I was ashamed.

In front of who? The lady with the tired feet?

Fingerprint. Common criminals.

Didn't even give me a towel.

I had to wash my hands in the water cooler.

How'd you get your hands clean?

I didn't.

A little baby I have to take care of.

Look at that.

Look at that.

He doesn't care. He doesn't care.

Come over here, too.

It's a waste of time trying to keep this house clean.

No, don't answer it. It might be the police.

Is it the police?

It's Miriam.

It's not the police.

Miriam? Why didn't you tell me to call Miriam? Well, she's your date.

That's right. I forgot. You didn't have a date.

Miriam. Hi. Remember me? I'm so sorry. Please forgive me. You'll never guess

what happened. No, I heard about it. What? How? Well, I got worried. I went

to the lobby at intermission and everybody was talking about it. What

Oscar? The region.

Somebody tell me something.

It all started when Oscar couldn't get a date.

She knows that part.

Tell her what happened when they tried to take our picture. We spent a half

rearranging the lights for the balloon.

You'd have looked ten years older if I hadn't.

I'm sorry if you missed any of the show.

Oh, I didn't. It was just fabulous.

And at the end, the entire cast came out on the stage and they sang Kiss My

Nose.

Kiss my toe.

Kiss my... You went back in to see the rest of the show?

Well, there wasn't anything I could do, so after I'd heard you'd been arrested,

I saw the rest of the show.

I'd have been too upset to go back in and enjoy a show.

Well, I was too upset to enjoy it.

You just said it was fabulous.

Well, I knew it was good because everyone else was applauding.

Good, man. She's too fast for you.

Would you please tell me what happened at the police station?

Nothing happened.

How come?

Felix refused to go to night court. He made them set a trial date. They have to

go back in two weeks.

We need time to prepare our defense.

I'm not taking this lying down.

Felix, if we go to court, we have to get a lawyer. That costs money. You don't

have to stay charged for a day in court. We don't need a lawyer.

I'm handling this case.

And we'll plead not guilty.

Oh, boy.

Where are you going? Get some butter.

What for?

To go with the bread and water.

What are you worried about? I've got it here.

Mr. Price.

Mr. Price.

He's a reporter on the journal. What's he doing here? I called him in. I called

in all the press. I want complete coverage. Hello, Madison.

Hi, Harry. You getting all this? You bet.

It's going to be a good story. Oh, listen. Isn't this terrific?

Let the whole world see our fight against injustice.

I welcome publicity.

Well, you're going to get a lot of it. It has a large circulation, Felix. This

is bad. What are you worried about? I've got key witnesses lined up. We're going

to blast this case wide open. You'll see. You'll see.

All rise.

Mr.

Unger. Here, sir.

Will you call your first witness, please?

Thank you, Your Honor.

Please, the court.

I'd like to call the stand.

Officer Murray Gritchler.

That's your key witness?

Character witness.

Why are you carrying your briefcase? Why? Oh, no, no. Oh, give it to me,

Clarence Darrow.

Hi, Your Honor. How are you, Murray?

Nice to see you. Nice to see you.

How was the vacation?

Oh, beautiful, beautiful.

Where'd you go?

Detroit. Why Detroit?

Well, we're sick of Cleveland.

Your Honor, may I proceed?

Oh, yes, sure, go ahead.

Officer Gressler, how long have you known the co -defendant?

Oh, let me see. I met him in 1964.

You've known them a long time. Sure, sure.

And how would you describe Oscar Madison?

Male Caucasian, 125 pounds, 5 foot and a half, blue eyes. I want your opinion of

Mr. Madison.

A great guy.

Quite a character.

What do you mean?

You mean he has a great character.

Jack, you ought to see his room.

Mr. Greshler, would you say that Mr. Madison is the kind of man who would

ticket for $25?

Heck no.

He needs a lot more than that.

What a character.

You may step down. He never has to die for this pocket. You may step down. Step

down. Step down. Don't you want me to tell him about you? You may step down,

officer. Step down.

Your Honor, I move that officer to complete testimony if he's picking from

record.

I call your next witness. Thank you, Your Honor.

If it please the court, I shall call to the stand Miss Beth Olam.

Don't be nervous, my dear.

Is this another beautiful key witness?

Miss Olam, do you remember me?

Oh, yes. You're the ticket scalper.

I object.

Sustained. Alleged ticket scalper. Thank you, Your Honor. Your Honor.

It is the contention of the defendant that in their trafficking with the

witness, the co -defendant had not one iota of avarice, not one

thin pillar of cupidity for fiscal increment.

Mr. Unger, could you talk faster or smaller?

Objection, Mr. Staley.

We didn't want to make any money.

Thank you.

Now, Miss Oland, stop me. If anything I say is different from what occurred that

night at the theater. All right.

I said, hi there.

Would you like to see the show?

That's what he said.

I have an extra ticket.

He said that too.

And what did you say?

I said, how much is it?

That's what she said. I believe it. Get on with it. You're hearing this. Can I

help it?

And when I told you how much it was, what did you do?

I offered you $15 for it. And did I take it? No, you held out for more.

Did I ask you for more money?

Well... Ah, now think hard. Your answer is very important.

Well, not exactly.

You hear? You hear? Not exactly.

What do you mean, not exactly?

Well, I mean I just assumed that this may... Did you say you assumed?

Yes. Your Honor, may defense counsel use that blackboard.

Yes. Thank you, Your Honor. Miss O 'Leary, you should never assume, because

when you assume, you make an act.

No further questions.

You were great.

You want to handle my jaywalking ticket?

Well, that puts things in a new light.

If you'll excuse me, I'll retire and render a verdict.

Just one moment. I didn't say defense arrest. I'm not through. Oh, yes, you

No, I'm not. I'm rolling, boy.

Your Honor, I intend to prove beyond a shadow... Sit down, Your Honor.

Beyond a shadow of a doubt that there was never any intention to sell this

ticket. And to that end... I should like to call to the witness stand my key

witness and co -defendant, and incidentally, a heck of a guy.

Ask your medicine.

What are you doing? Take the stand.

This man is a co -defendant. Anything he says will be judged in that light.

Why don't you allow Miss Olam's testimony to speak for itself?

It's the same cognizance of the import of its remarks.

Do you think Mr. Oscar Madison would lie? He's a reputable man.

Proceed. Thank you.

Now, Mr. Madison, state your name, please.

Oscar Madison.

Famous sports writer.

Now, Mr. Madison, would you tell the court, in your own words, of course,

exactly what transpired on the aforementioned evening in connection

alleged scalping of the alleged ticket?

I had the selection of the ticket. My roommate, Felix Young, said, why don't

return it to the box office, which he did.

Now, he didn't come back to the seat. I went out to the lobby to see what was

happening. He was being arrested.

Next thing I knew, I was being arrested, too.

And?

And what?

You're leaving out the most important part.

What's the most important part?

Mr. Unger, we'd all like to hear.

Tell them how you couldn't get a date.

Yeah.

Mr.

Madison, will you tell the court?

I refuse to answer the question on the grounds that I don't want to answer the

question. You're ruining my defense.

Answer,

Mr. Madison. I have killers patiently waiting their turn.

I had an extra ticket because I couldn't get a date.

I didn't get the answer. I couldn't get a date. And how hard did you

try?

girls did you call i

want

to take a minute to decide

this case and then i want to take another minute to see if i still want to

judge

Hey, Oscar, it looks really good. I'm sure glad I was able to help you.

Look at that face.

What are you worried about?

This is in the bag, baby.

I walk out of here a free man.

the defendant not guilty.

How about that?

Satisfied? No, I'm humiliated. Do you realize what happened to me in this

courtroom today? Do you?

You're right.

You're absolutely right.

Your Honor, not guilty is all well and good, but it hardly makes up to Mr.

Madison for the humiliation he suffered. I, uh, I wish to... I suggest that an

apology is in order.

So, go ahead, apologize.

I'm not the one who accused him of being a liar.

I think a big man would apologize.

Peter, let's go home, please.

Mr. Unger, we have two choices, guilty or not guilty.

Justice has a short menu.

I'm waiting for an apology.

I'm sorry you're not guilty.

Mr. Unger, you're getting on my nerves.

Let's leave personalities out of this, shall we?

Mr. Unger, my mother didn't scrub floors to send me to law school to listen to

this. I'm fining you and your client $100 for contempt of court.

You think that scares us?

Us! Again, us!

Your Honor, may I speak for myself, please?

Any other voice would be refreshing.

May I put this man on the stand? I'd love it.

Take the stand.

Take the stand.

I want to prove to the witness that he... You mean to the court?

No,

I mean to the witness. How messy it is back there. Forget it.

I want to prove to the witness that he's responsible for what... And he owes us

all an apology. If you could do that, I'll cancel the fine. You gotta bet.

When you went to grammar school, what was your nickname?

I don't... Answer the question, please.

Felix... I didn't hear you. Louder.

Felix the Pet.

And what did your high school yearbook say about you?

I was voted the boy most likely to interrupt.

And when you went to a marriage counselor, what happened?

He kicked me out of his office.

And? He wrote on my chart, lunatic.

And what was the specific ground for your divorce that set a legal precedent

the state of New York?

Petsiness.

My wife swore under oath I was a pet.

That's right.

And she was right. She's a wonderful woman, Your Honor.

I don't know why I do these things. I drive everybody crazy. He's right.

I know I bothered the court. I bothered the bailiff.

I kept killers waiting.

I always think I'm helping. I never seem to do the right thing. I never learned

my... I'm sorry.

I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

I'll suspend the fine if you'll get out of here.

Your Honor, you're a very understanding man. I just want you to know I

appreciate it. You're very long -suffering and very forbearing.

That's all right.

There's one thing.

You have a tendency to mumble when you talk.

You're the judge. Exert your authority. Speak up.

Get him out of here!