Original subtitles

All right, now, all those in favor of the Lexington Avenue Opera Club starting

our season with Madame Butterfly again, kindly signify by saying aye.

Aye. Those opposed?

It's unanimous. We're going to have Madame Butterfly. Oh, great.

Oh, great. Now, what do we do first? Henry, talk to the man who rented us the

kimonos and wigs last year, but tell him this time he's going to have to wait

for his money.

Don't you have the money yet? I have it. Don't worry about it.

As soon as I talk to Oscar, I'll have the money. Last year, my wig didn't fit.

Don't worry about your wig fit. I had a headache all through the second act. You

won't have a headache. We'll make your wig fit. Look who's here, Mr. Madison.

Hi, everybody. Hello, Oscar.

Hello, Oscar.

Hello, Oscar.

I'll make some finger sandwiches.

Hey, buddy.

What's with the singing belligerent?

That's my opera group.

They like you.

Everybody likes you.

All right, Felix, what do you want?

What do you mean, what do I want? I don't want to talk to you. No, no, no,

not in the mood.

What's the matter?

Well, you wouldn't understand.

Why, of course I would, buddy.

What happened?

I got kicked out of the pool room.

Not much left after you've been kicked out of a pool room, is there?

Well, I've been shooting so good lately, they're beginning to call me a hustler.

Are you?

No. And I was counting on winning enough money to pay my bill.

You're really something. You love to gamble, don't you? Don't nag me now,

you? I'm not nagging you. It's healthy. You enjoy it. It's a good outlet. It's

perfectly normal. It's a good outlet? You better quit the opera club. Too many

high notes. I'm not kidding.

You're an expert on gambling, aren't you? On gambling, yeah. Not on winning.

Yeah, but you know odds. You know the games. You know all those things. You

all that. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the savior of the Lexington Avenue

Opera Club.

Oscar Madison!

On

November

13th, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right, but he also knew that someday he would return

to her.

With nowhere else to go, he appeared at the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier, Madison's wife had thrown him out, requesting that he

never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment without driving each other crazy?

Oscar?

No.

I didn't say anything yet. What do you say? No. Well, let's start with Noah.

We'll work from there.

My opera club is in desperate trouble. I know. I've heard them sing.

That's a goodie.

You're some character. You really are.

You made yourself a sandwich and now you've got my finger sandwiches?

Yeah, they're going to be for dessert.

No, the opera club.

It's been operating for several years at a steady loss.

So have I.

You know, every year we run a fundraising event. How much are the

what does the make of the car?

We're not going to have some corny raffle.

That's for Easter.

You know what we're going to do this year?

We're going to have a Monte Carlo night.

Gambling for the sake of the opera.

Good. Well, that's all right with me.

Well, there's only one problem.

We don't know much about gambling.

What's to know?

You call your bookie and the lady will send him a check.

The Monte Carlo night's a lot more complicated than that.

All right, Felix. What do you want from me?

Put that down.

Not back in there after spinning you.

All right.

Here's what I want you to do.

You'd know where to rent gambling equipment. We don't know that. And you

get it at the right price.

Then teach our members how to operate the equipment. Then set the odds so we

make a lot of money. Then spread the word around so we'll have a lot of

there gambling. Then on the night of the event, you run everything.

Can you do that? Sure.

Just let me step into a telephone booth, change into my cape, break a date with

Lois Lane, and I'll be right out.

No, it's a lot of work, but you've run out gambling nights before.

Yeah, in Vinnie's garage. I brought the equipment in my pocket.

Are you trying to say you don't want to help me?

Felix, I'm trying to tell you that I can help you. I don't have the time. I

would if I could, but honestly, I really can't.

It's a swell punch.

All right.

I'm going to have a Monte Carlo night, that's all.

No law says we have to.

No law says we have to have an opera.

We live without penicillin all these years. We live without this.

Oh, I'm sure somebody in the club knows someone who can handle it. They don't

know anybody like that. They're all decent people.

I didn't mean that. I didn't mean... Oh, come on. Do it, please. It'll be so

much fun. On the night of the event, we'll have a special ad featuring your

picture in the program.

Thanks to Oscar Madison.

Without whom, our production of Madame Butterfly would have been Madame Moth.

You set the odds.

You know, I did have a dream once.

That I was Humphrey Bogart and I was running a casino. Everybody came to see

Rick, see?

This time, all the money goes to the opera.

In the dream, I got all the money and Ingrid Bergman.

Come on, you'll do it, won't you?

All right. I knew you would. I knew you would.

Grazie. Mille grazie.

Faites le jeu, mesdames et messieurs. Faites le jeu.

Mes amis, faites le jeu, hein?

Three red.

Trois rouge.

Oh, nobody wins.

Quel dommage. Quel dommage.

Little atmosphere.

Atmosphere. And here we have the wheel of fortune. Around, around she goes. And

where she stops. Que sera, sera.

And what's that wheel? What do you call this thing?

This is a show of love, mesdames et messieurs.

Oh, and you are in the sewer.

Too bad. Maybe you are lucky at love, monsieur.

When people are losing, they don't like to be laughed at, especially in two

languages. This is the only game in town.

What a crowd. You did such a great job. Where did you get all these people? It

was easy. I told my bookie about it. He did the rest.

You mean these are, some of these are professional gamblers? Oh, no.

Oh, no.

How could you do that to me? What's the matter?

Because professional gamblers know how to win.

I want people to lose like you.

Professional gamblers spend a lot of money at places like this. Not like

piccolo players you invited.

Besides, you're winning.

Am I? Oh, the club's way ahead. Are we really? Oh, thank you.

Wait, whoa. I think we ought to close.

Why? We said we'd close at 12 o 'clock. Let's not get greedy. It's 12 o 'clock.

No, no, but you said we're winning. We're getting ahead.

Yeah, but, Felix, listen. You said the odds are with the house, didn't you? If

we make more money, then we can put on two odds. Yeah, but the odds can turn on

you. How can they turn when the odds are with the house? I've seen it happen a

million times.

Eleven. A winner. Pay the man. A million and one times.

But he's got it all on one number. Listen,

I'm the house. You could lose your shirt on this game. Why don't you spread it

around? Let it ride. Spin the wheel.

I'm the house and it's my ball.

Everybody go home.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

All you can say, we're ruined.

I'm ruined. They'll never talk to me again.

I blame you.

Blame me? Yes, bringing in professional gamblers, playing numbers nobody ever

heard of.

Eleven.

And that ball was tricky, too. It tasted funny.

Those are the breaks. That's why they call it gambling.

Anyway, it's your fault.

I said to close at 12 o 'clock. You got greedy. You're the one who blew it.

There's no sense in pointing the accusing finger of blame at anybody.

The point is, what are we going to do now?

There's nothing you can do now.

Arnold won the money honestly.

Arnold? Yeah.

You know him? Yeah, I know him a long time. I'm kidding.

Put the 20s over here.

Put the 10s over there.

Singles are here.

Where did you get all that money?

From Arnold. He owed it to me.

What? Yeah.

He owed it to me since the year one.

The Let It Ride guy owed you money?

That's my Arnold.

Well, that's wonderful.

Don't touch the money.

But what a play. I told you not to touch it.

But now the opera club gets its money back.

Yay!

Now I know I didn't hear you.

Surely you're not thinking of keeping that money.

Why not? It's my money. No, it's not.

It belongs to the opera club.

How do you figure that?

Well, Arnold got it from us. You got it from him. You give it back to us. Then

everybody's even.

I can't be right. See, I'd be out all this money. No, you wouldn't. You'd just

be back where you started from.

Yeah, but only Arnold wouldn't owe it to me anymore. I had this money coming to

me. But it came from the opera club.

From them.

To him, to you, to me. It's like an isosceles triangle.

An isosceles triangle. Now you explained it properly.

Now, all I have to do is call up Arnold, see, and I say, Arnold, you know the

money you paid me? Well, I had to give it to my roommate to put on a production

of Madam Butterfly. So you're going to have to pay me back again, see?

And then he'll say, I'll twist your little rigoletto.

I'm not giving you that money!

Boy, talk about selfish!

You're not going to get your picture in the program.

Now, we're not going to panic. We're not going to give up. We're just

going to keep on trying. The costumer says if we don't come up with some money

by this weekend, we can forget about the kimonos.

What about my wig?

Don't worry about your wig, Vivian. Your wig is going to be fine.

Felix, you told us you could get that money back. I'll get it. I'll get it.

I'm wearing him down.

This morning he talked to me. That's something.

Well, if there's nothing else, I think maybe we'd better break up the meeting

because I don't want you here when he comes home. We just started. I know, but

he says the group makes him nervous and I want to talk to him.

Hey, hi, gang. How are you?

Go and watch the grill and have a beer.

Nothing? Let us know what happens, Felix.

We'll have a seat somewhere.

Don't worry about your wig, baby.

This is silent treatment.

Well, what do you expect from a group that's been denied a rehearsal hall? The

landlord asked for the rent. I told him I don't have the rent. Oscar Madison has

the rent.

Oscar,

if we don't bring up the money for the costumes, he's got to sell them to a

company of flower drum songs.

In the three years I've lived here, I have never asked you for one red thing.

The one thing I liked about you. I'm not asking you for any money now. All I'm

asking for is a loan.

A loan?

What are you going to put up for collateral? Will you vaporize it?

Oscar, if I... If I don't give the money back to you in six months, I guarantee

you I'll do anything you say.

Right. I'll even move out. You got it.

Well, I figured out that if we just charge 35 cents more per ticket, we'll

enough to pay Oscar back.

Well, it just means we won't have our picnic this year, that's all.

I'll have the money tonight.

Okay, good.

Oh, boy, am I glad to see you. No, not out of the faucet. Come on.

Tastes better that way.

Hey, you're making cookies, yeah? Making your favorites.

Yeah, shaped like horses' heads. Ah, cookies.

That's the least I can do for the man who's giving us back our opera season.

Look at this.

make the best cookies. King of the cookies. I'm king of the cookies. Yep.

Did you bring the money?

Yeah, well, I want to give it to you on Wednesday.

Good. Wednesday?

I don't understand.

Well, see, Wednesday is when I'm going to win it, so that's when I'm going to

give it to you.

You're going to win it? Yeah. Look, Felix, I went to the bank this morning,

took out the money, and I just happened to be passing the pool room.

And you lost it. No, no, I didn't lose it.

See, I ran into Short Shot Wilson, and he challenged me to a game. And you lost

the money. I did not lose the money. Now, this man is the champ of the 34th

Street Pool Room. Now, he challenged me, Felix. One game, 250 points for the

whole pile.

See, Wednesday, I'll have a lot of money, and you'll still have your money.

Oscar. Oscar.

Oscar.

See, he challenged me.

Everybody was around. They were looking. Arnold, all my friends. I mean...

What could I say? If I backed down, if I chickened out, wow, they probably never

would talk to me again.

Don't you understand?

Understand? Sure. I know you don't want to be humiliated in front of your

friends. Yeah. See, so I put up the murder.

What's done is done.

As Macbeth said, what's done cannot be undone.

Murderer!

Murderer.

Macbeth, I can't talk to you.

Where are you going?

I'm going to the pool room and practice.

Practice? Yeah.

I thought you were supposed to be so good.

Oh, everybody practices. Even the best player in the world practices.

I'm going with you. What for?

Well, I have to take my money. I want to see if you're any good.

You can't go to the pool room. Your mother won't let you. I won't tell her.

It's a very important part of the game.

I like when the white ball hits and makes you all go there.

Hey,

bravo. Great.

Very great. You're very good at pool.

I wonder how you say pool in Italian.

La pula.

Do you know how to say pool in Italian?

Pool. Pool's a lake. Lago. Lago. Bravo in lago.

Would you stand back a little bit, please?

Back in this kingdom.

Bravo. Bravo, Inago.

How do you know when you're winning if you play by yourself?

I get the balls in the pockets, I'm winning.

Ah.

Bravo, bravo, bravo. Let me try one.

All right, here.

Here. I didn't know you played pool.

I don't.

Famous golf, isn't it? You just put a ball in a hole.

I didn't know you played golf.

I don't. Shoot.

I do? Make the nine ball in the corner pocket.

How do you know it's a nine ball? Take a look.

Oh, it's got a little number on it, hasn't it?

It's clever.

Okay.

Aha! Now, I'm going to put the 14 ball in that. No, no.

more with? Stop. You can't put it around the table, make everything a pocket

hanger. Oh, that's much harder that way, isn't it?

Felix, you want me to win that game? Let me practice. Leave me alone, please.

Who's that man there?

That's the guy holding the bet, the money.

Where's he holding it? In the paper bag.

I was asleep. Anybody could come along and take it.

Is it safe?

I don't believe it. I'm getting wiped out. You're worried about his call.

Told you the ventilation in here was terrible.

And that's a miss.

Finally. Your chance. Now, you're going to win. Now, stay cool.

Concentrate. Concentrate on each ball. Don't get too excited. Can I shoot

the cue warps? Yes, yes.

Remember, he's going to win. He's my friend. He's good.

Bravo. Bravo. Bravo. Bravo. Bravo.

Bravo. Bravo.

Bravo. Bravo.

Bravo. Bravo. Bravo. Bravo. Bravo. Bravo. Bravo. Bravo. Bravo. Bravo.

Bravo. Bravo. Bravo. Bravo. Bravo. Bravo. Bravo. Bravo. Bravo. Bravo.

Bravo. Bravo. Bravo. Bravo. Bravo. Bravo. Bravo. Bravo.

Bravo. Bravo. Bravo. Bravo. Bravo. Bravo. Bravo. Bravo. Bravo. Bravo.

Bravo. Bravo. Bravo. Bravo. Bravo. Bravo. Bravo. Bravo. Bravo. Bravo.

Bravo. Bravo. Bravo. Bravo. Bravo. Bravo. Bravo. Bravo. Bravo. Bravo.

Bravo.

cough you've got.

What cough?

Listen to you.

See?

You know what causes that, don't you?

Look, Mac, I'm trying to concentrate on a game. Will you please cool it?

Try to do someone a favor.

Sit down, sir.

causes it.

Smoking, of course.

But you smoke two packs a day.

Four.

Four?

You smoke four packages of cigarettes a day. My Uncle Edward used to smoke four

packages of cigarettes a day. He quit.

He died.

Uncle Edward was only 46 years of age.

I'm 45.

Where do you feel it worst?

In your throat or down in your chest?

What difference does it make?

To me, is it important?

The right answer could save your life.

Chest.

Throat. I should have said throat.

When did you last have a

chest X -ray? Chest X -ray?

Sure shot, 240.

Sure shot, sure shot. You know, it used to get me first in the throat. Sure

shot. And then... Sure shot, sure shot. Of course. What? Pool, remember?

Oh.

That's bad, huh? Yeah.

I'm naturally elated that my friend won, but I hope I didn't upset you.

Forget it. You taught me one lesson.

Never shoot bull without a cigarette.

Such a nervous man.

I made him nervous. See, he was shaking.

I told you about my Uncle Edward.

Who?

My Uncle Edward.

The one that was killed in the bus crash.

He's the bad.