Original subtitles

Here you are, Mr. Madison.

Black coffee, tomato juice, Worcestershire sauce, aspirin, and eye

Boy, when you asked me to come over this morning, I thought it was to pick up

your article, not work on your head.

Nine office parties in one month.

That's too much.

The obituary department gives the best parties.

Those guys sure know how to laugh.

tide went on last night, huh?

You can't chug a lug scotch.

It's a terrible night.

To you, maybe, but not for me.

Last night was one of the most exciting nights of my life. You know, it was the

first time I tap -danced in years since I was in the halftime show at the

Alabama -Mississippi game.

You went to school in the South?

Yeah, that's where I acquired my accent.

Y 'all, did you hear it? Yeah, I heard it. You danced very well. Yes, you did.

Here, take the articles downtown, will you? You know, they really seemed to

it, didn't they? Yeah, they liked it very... You danced great. Will you take

articles? But did you like it?

It was so good, I even remember it. Then I really got it, huh? What?

That certain charisma that sets me apart from mere mortals.

What were you drinking last night?

Oh, nothing. It's dangerous to dance and drink.

Good morning!

There they are, the flashing feet of Myrna Turner!

You were Ruby Keeler and Ginger Rogers rolled up into one last night. Really?

Yeah. Look, here are your pictures.

Look, look, look. Oh, we've got pictures of us.

Don't touch them. They're wet. Look, see?

There she is doing her fancy step.

Yeah, remember when I did it? Hit it. The tap dancing secretary.

You're good. You really are. Do you really mean it? Oh, yeah. You ought to

professional. You really think so? Oh, yes. You're good.

Listen, Mr. Madison.

On November 13th, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his place of

residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right, but he also knew that someday he would return

to her.

With nowhere else to go, he appeared at the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier, Madison's wife had thrown him out, requesting that he

never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment without driving each other crazy?

Thank you.

The odd couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

Come on.

Sit down, please.

I think you caught my hand going. Sit. I know it sounds crazy, Mr. Madison, but

I studied for 12 years.

I mean, it was always a dream of mine to be a tap dancer.

Felix, will you tell her she's crazy, please?

Well, it's not a very practical way to earn a living, is it? Of course not. You

can't give up a good job for somebody with no security. Tell her, Felix.

right. That's right. I mean, New York, there's a lot of people who want to be

dancers. And so few of them make it. Well, it's a dog -eat -dog world out

And how does she know she's good enough? There's a lot of heartbreak out there.

That's right. They say there's a broken heart for every light on Broadway. Tell

her, Felix.

You can make it.

How can you crush this beautiful person's dream? Listen to me.

Grab the brass ring. I know it sounds cliché, but the cliché is true.

Follow your star.

He doesn't mean that. I do mean it. Listen to the voice of bitter

When I was a child, I wanted to be an opera singer. It's all I thought about.

Were you good?

Morgan!

I sang a medley of Wagner to my third grade Easter party.

I was a child held in tenor. You take held in tenor's advice, you're through

my secretary.

Who wants your rotten job?

Couldn't you just give me a little time off until I get my career going? No, not

now, honey.

What would you have done if I took my vacation in skirts?

Like a couple hours a day.

You know I'm guest hosting the TV talk show that sports down. I need a full

-time secretary. No, no, no full -time. She needs time off for interviews,

audition, and I'll help because I know a lot of show business biggies. Make up

your mind, Myrna. Make up your mind, Myrna.

How would it be if I kept working? for him until you line something up, and

if I do get some work, then I'll find my own replacement. How's that?

All right, all right. I'll try your part -time, but I'm busy. I'm making no

promises. Thanks, Mr. Madison, and don't worry. I'll still be the same model of

efficiency I've always been.

Murder! Murder!

You've been got the article.

Oh,

did you see her face? You see the glow?

She reminds me of a bird stretching its wings for the first time.

Listen, Mr. Wronggood.

Get out!

Honey, give me Rocky Luna's number, will you? I've got my guest for the TV show.

Marina.

It's coffee break time.

Cream and two sugars.

I was at the stage delicatessen and they named a sandwich after me.

Myrna Turner Tuna.

Can the sandwich in a little white give me Rocky Noonan's number, please?

Right.

Georgette LaForge.

What? I'm looking for a new name for my career.

Liza Turner.

Tallulah Turner.

Mary...

When you forget Rocky Noonan, just finish your letter, all right?

You ready? Let's go. Where's your replacement?

Oh, he's still here any minute. How you doing? This is Myrna's big chance.

We're meeting Franklin Lang for lunch. Who?

Franklin Lang.

Does a man have to wear his sweat socks before you've heard of him?

Franklin Lang produced Tippy Tap Toe, Uptown Parade, Bowery Rhythm, Big

Hits. Yeah, then the talkies came in and wiped him out.

He's a has -been. And he's making a comeback. He's going to be in Iz again.

We're meeting him at the shophouse in ten minutes. Come on. Could you wait a

minute? I just want to fix my face. Go, go.

Isn't this exciting?

Franklin Lang. It's ridiculous. You're ruining a semi -competent secretary. I

can't get any work done around here.

You're not thinking of that girl at all. You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

She's an accomplished dancer.

An accomplished dancer? She's a tap dancer. Tap dancing went out with

It's making a comeback.

And she's good at it. She was great last night.

Everything was great last night. We were drinking last night, remember? I was in

complete control of myself.

Oh, really? Then who was that idiot up there marching with a waving the flag

limping like the spirit of 76?

Just joining in. Joining in the spirit of things.

At least I wasn't playing Yankee Doodle on my head with a pencil.

See, what are your credentials for being an agent?

Do you know how many crooks there are in New York preying on kids like that?

I'll make your star come to my school for $200.

Kids, you need pictures, and they charge them for the pictures.

I'm honest.

Those are my credentials.

I'm not going to make anything out of this. And what's more, I've got a flair

for show business.

Okay. Whatever happens from now is your responsibility.

Responsibility is my middle name, mister.

And Pest is your first name, mister.

Come on, Mr. Uncle. We're going to be late. My replacement will be here any

minute. We'll take a stairway to the stars. Take an elevator.

Faster.

Oh, Myrna just left. You see her?

I know. I'm filling in for her.

You? Yeah, I figured. What the heck?

Oh, sit down. Type a letter for me, will you?

This is very, very important.

This goes to Bob McAllen of the Sports Den talk show.

Okay. Dear Bob, I want to show my appreciation for you asking me to host

show again.

I am presently lining up my guests.

I'll be in touch with you when I am sure who is going to be on, affectionately

yours, Oscar Marist.

B -O -B -O -B. Dear Bob.

Dear Bob? Can't you type any faster than that? I'm doing the best I can.

They've added a lot of keys since 1930.

me with your eyes.

B -O -B, Bob.

Dear Bob.

So what happened with Franklin Lamb?

Well, how'd it go?

It didn't.

Didn't you take the big producer to lunch?

He took me for lunch.

He also took me to two martinis, a bus ticket to Atlantic City, and a quarter

for the men's room.

He didn't even look at my photos.

He just ate, drank, and passed out in the chocolate pudding.

So he was making a big comeback.

He came back.

Nobody cared.

I'm sorry, Merle.

I really am.

Thanks, Mr. Madison.

We aren't giving up, kid.

Is my aunt still here?

No, she took a nap, then she went to her girlfriend's funeral.

Listen, I sent for a girl from the secretarial pool.

Well, that's good, because Myrna doesn't feel like working today.

Oh, really, impresario? Tell me, when will your protege be ready to come back

work? I don't know. What does it mean, I don't know?

Felix, I can't go on now.

This is just a temporary setback. We're going to suffer through this thing.

Right, kid? And I'll help. I know a lot of big shots in show business. You know

who? I know a lot. Name one. Plenty. Never mind plenty. One name.

Murray's cousin.

Murray's cousin?

He's a big agent and he'll love Myrna. You really think so?

Murray's cousin is... Excuse me. Mr.

Madison, I'm Miss Jensen from the secretarial pool.

From the secretarial what?

last a year.

Hey, Felix. Myrna says she's almost ready. Good. I hope your cousin likes

poi. I made it to give the room a proper Hawaiian atmosphere.

Happy Gretler is a theatrical agent. He eats anything that's free.

That must be him.

Mr. Gretler? Yes.

My name is Felix Unger. Hello, Felix. Just call me Happy Murray. Hi, Happy

Murray. How's the family?

Remember, we're all getting together Thanksgiving.

Oh, sure.

Where's the Hawaiian dancer? She'll be here any minute. Would you like some

Now, she is an authentic Hawaiian dancer, right? That's what you asked

That's what you're going to get.

Well, I hope she's good because I've got 10 ,000 shriners in Cleveland waiting

for a hula dancer.

Oh, boy.

I'm ready.

She doesn't sound Hawaiian.

Sit down, sit down. You'll enjoy yourself. I'm ready, sit down.

Wait, let me talk about you. Wait a minute. My dog has fleek. My dog has

My dog has fleek.

Mr. Greshler, welcome to the enchanting islands of Hawaii.

Hawaii is actually comprised of five islands.

Oahu, Maui, Hawaii, Hawaii, and Molokai.

Here to bring you a taste of the islands and to hula her way into your heart is

the lovely Leilani Turner.

Wait a minute!

Wait a minute!

A Hawaiian tap dance?

They tap dance in Hawaii. You just can't hear it because of the sand.

I'm not happy. You will be. No, I'm not happy.

Murray, Murray, Murray, I'll get to you. You'll like it. Much better here. Hit

it. It won't be long till my ship will be sailing back to Kona.

Kona. A grand old place that's always fair to see.

To my fish and boy, I want to go back to my little grass shack in Kealakegu,

Hawaii.

Where the hooma -hooma -hooma -hooma -hooma -hooma -hooma goes swimming by.

Thank you.

Where the hooma -hooma -hooma -hooma -hooma -hooma -hooma goes swimming by.

Look at that lamp!

Where the hooma -hooma -hooma -hooma -hooma -hooma -hooma goes swimming by.

Well, thanks for bringing us the big agent, Murray, your cousin.

Well, he's not coming to my house for Thanksgiving.

Mr. Unger, I'm a total failure. No, no, no, you're not. You were good. I loved

it. If that hurts, you don't succeed.

Quit!

She was terrific.

I can understand it.

Hello? Felix?

Yes, hi, Oscar.

Don't hi, Oscar me. I'm going crazy down here.

What's the matter?

Miss Jensen. I couldn't concentrate on my work with her around. I had to let

go. I got a date with her next Thursday.

What do you want from me?

If Myrna's not back here at 9 o 'clock tomorrow morning sharp, I'm going down

the personnel department, pick myself a permanent secretary.

I've got to prepare to host that TV show.

Goodbye.

You know, it's Oscar.

Wants Myrna back tomorrow morning.

That's it, then.

The end of a brilliant career.

I'm sorry, Miss Dong. I didn't mean to let you down.

You didn't let me down. You didn't. You didn't. How could you let... How could

anyone let me down who's going to be on TV tomorrow night?

Is he running the Alabama -Mississippi game?

Oscar Madison just called me. He wants you on his show tomorrow night. I have

work out the billing in the month. But it's half -dance on a sports show?

So go home and practice your patriotic baton twirling tap that made halftime

history. Murray, are you going to be there? I'll be there. I want all my

to share in this moment.

Isn't that great?

Now all I have to do is convince Oscar.

Wow.

Easy. The way to get to Oscar is with brains, tact,

guile, cleverness.

You'll be needing me then.

No, no, no.

That's the way you get variety. No, no, this is not a variety show. It's a

sports show. No, please.

Oscar, you're my last hope. You're all I need.

No, I knew it would come to this. Listen, if she goes on and she's a

you'll be a hero.

If she's not, if she flops, she comes back to work as your secretary.

Either way, you win.

I knew it. I warned you. I knew it would come to this. No.

Maybe I bit off more than I could chew.

Yes, we know.

I was just doing it for her.

Maybe Myrna, when she's 65 years old, she won't be able to dance anymore.

It wouldn't be so bad if she said, I didn't or I couldn't, but oh, the pain

say, I should have.

Have you ever felt the pain of, I should have?

Of course I have.

I should have never let you move in. I should have kicked you out.

Won't you let her be on, please?

Oh, all right. I knew you would say it. I knew it. You know why? Because you're

one of them. There is nothing like the loyalty that exists in this house.

You know which is the bad side of your face?

Which side?

The side with a mouth on it.

Thank you, Mr. Wong, for your chips on table dinner.

Sail over the wall for me.

Good, good, good.

My next guest... Hey, looks like international night on the Sports Den

My next guest is perhaps, well, the greatest in a long line of Italian

players, who's often been referred to as the man with a dozen legs.

A warm welcome, please, for Nino Babaloni and his interpreter, Tony

Welcome to the sports show, Nino.

There's a question I've always wanted to ask.

I've always been interested. I think the audience will be interested in this.

Hello.

I forgot the question.

No,

no, I remember, I remember.

What is the toughest team he has ever faced?

You mean the soccer?

Yeah, you know, soccer like that.

What did he say?

Pull up your sack.

Forget that, forget that.

The toughest team he has faced.

The toughest team in soccer?

Yes, toughest.

It would be, who was the strongest team?

Strongest team?

Strongest. The Yugoslavia team. Ah, you're the best team.

Excuse me.

Yugoslavia? Yes, Yugoslavia.

You forgot the team in Germany, eh? No, no, Germany, Yugoslavia. You forgot Pele

in Brazil?

Brazil, no. No, Yugoslavia. Ignorant, you forgot Milan, you forgot Roma, eh?

Roma!

Gentlemen, moving right along. Let's forget that. What I really want to know,

does he have a particular stadium he prefers to play in?

He cannot answer that question. Why not?

Because I'm not speaking to him.

Excuse me. Time for a message. We'll be right back.

Ladies, I think I can speak for your husbands out there when I say I hate

shirts.

And if you do too, watch this message.

You're doing great.

You're just really rolling.

Controversy. I like talking for a living.

Myrna is so excited she's talking to her, but I'm being explicit.

You take some bad news.

What? Well, there isn't going to be time for Myrna to be on the show.

No. The ping pong player took a lot of time, and I need Rocky Noonan. He's the

football star. What do you need him for? To throw a body block?

Myrna can dance. She's warmed up. I'm telling you, she can't.

Can't? Can't means not able to. You mean mayn't. All right, mayn't. Also, she

can't. Now, please, please, get off me. Stop, buddy.

After all the trouble I went through.

What's the matter, Miss Donga? Don't I get to dance?

She says there's no time to put you on the show. Can you imagine that?

Well, I really don't mind, Miss Donga. You see, I'm pretty nervous anyway. My

hands are sweating and my baton... Please, don't pick it up. It looks bad.

Five, four, three... Which camera? Which camera?

Now, ladies and gentlemen, what you been waiting for?

the topper of the show, truly a football institution.

Half -time!

And here for your half -time pleasure, recreating our famous baton -twirling

that made half -time history in the Alabama -Mississippi game of several

ago is the lovely Myrna Turner!

Listen, Mr. Madison, you gave me a chance.

And it was really fun.

And I'll be back to work at your desk tomorrow at 9 o 'clock.

Now I'll never have to say I should have.

Okay.

Good night, Oscar.

I had a real good time.

fun wasn't it you realize what you did i know wait a minute

don't do it now wait a minute every time something happens you always make a

long speech you never give me a chance to make a speech you never let me say my

hate you never let me express my hate expresses

Want to go home?

Yeah.

That's so sad.

What?

That's Franklin Lang.