Original subtitles

No,

I wore shoes.

I'm not in the mood for cuteness.

the rug?

I'll water your fur.

Ah, sir, please.

Come on.

No, not the wet coat in the good closet.

Come on, hang that in the front of the rug.

Satisfied?

It's your coat.

Did you bring them?

Bring what?

How many things do I ask you to bring my nose drops?

Sorry, I forgot.

He forgot. Why was it raining?

I'm sitting here suffering all evening. My sinuses are poisoned by this

dampness, and he forgot.

Why don't you get it over with, Oscar? Go smash my vaporizer, and I'll clog to

death.

I said I was sorry.

Sorry isn't enough.

Sorry's all I got.

Where you going?

The drugstore.

With your sinuses, you can't go out in this weather. I'm touched by your

concern.

Will you go for me?

No.

Thanks. Do a simple favor for a great... Phoenix, since you're going out, would

you mail this for me? I forgot to.

It's unbelievable.

Absolutely unbelievable.

Thank you.

Internal revenue service.

Yeah.

Sending in your taxes now?

A patriotic American.

You're also 12 days late.

Whenever I send it, they take it.

Boy, I'd like to be around when they catch up to you.

Mills of the gods grind slowly, Oscar.

They grind beaten small.

Yes? I have a registered letter.

You see, this man mustn't stop by a little rain or sleep.

Who are they from? Internal Revenue Service.

Internal Revenue Service. Ah, they gotcha. They gotcha. The mills of the

The mills of the gods.

You were hereby requested to appear at the office of the Internal Revenue

Service. You must be there with them. Yeah, yeah.

Come on, read it out loud. I need a good gloat. Oh, thank goodness. Fuck.

Well, it's not as bad as I saw it. How come?

It's for you.

On November 13th, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his place of

residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right, but he also knew that someday he would return

to her.

With nowhere else to go, he appeared at the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier, Madison's wife had thrown him out, requesting that he

never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment without driving each other crazy?

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

To get nice, respectable people like me.

That's how they got Al Capone.

Maybe you'll get to tell.

I heard he left his old opera record on a machine gun made out of soap.

Make jokes when I can hear the handcuffs clicking together and say, we got you,

Unger.

Who's going to water my plants if I go away?

Take them with you. You'll be the shrub man of Alcatraz.

Oscar.

Hi.

Hi?

I got my nose dropped.

Good. Did you get some wire for a fractured jaw?

After the last couple of hours while I was walking around looking for an all

-night drugstore, I had plenty of time to think.

So, considering this whole thing, unemotionally and with cool logic,

Felix is up the creek.

I found him.

It makes jokes. It's very funny. What am I going to do? Felix, look, as one

friend to another, you're a maniac.

You didn't do anything wrong. You sent in the best tax return in the country.

Will you go to sleep, please?

Who can sleep? I'll be up all night long. Then pace quietly. Now, good

Good night.

Hi. You!

You're the one they should investigate.

You keep no records, no receipts. You send in your return a month late.

You're the only man I know who has his return filled out by his bartender.

Do you know when I send in my return?

January 2nd. All day New Year's Day, I'm working on it while you're watching

football games and sobering up.

I report everything.

Last August, I helped an old lady carry her groceries. She gave me a quarter. I

reported that.

I was with you. She gave you a half a buck.

Well, a quarter for each of us. I don't want it now. It's hot money.

They investigate me. That's enough, Felix. Now, will you go to sleep? I

sleep. I'll take a sleeping pill.

Oh, all right. I'll take a sleeping pill. Maybe that's it. And I don't want

back here again.

Don't worry, Oscar.

I won't be back here again.

Breakfast smells good.

Oh, boy.

Sweet coffee.

Please, why don't you make the coffee?

Feast, you all right?

Felix.

Felix.

Took the whole bottle.

And the cotton.

Now, come on, you gotta walk. Dr. Mellons will be here any minute. You

walk. Let's go. Come on.

No, sleep. No. Here, have some coffee. Have some coffee. Have some coffee.

Have some coffee.

Oh, that's terrible.

That isn't my coffee. I made it. Oh.

Did you clean the pot?

Man, check the door. The door's open. We're not cleaning the pot. Just keep

walking. Keep walking.

Now he's walking backwards. Come on. Stay up. We need water. Water. Come on.

Come in. Come on, guys. We got to stop some owners.

Come on.

All right. All right. My nurse told me you had an emergency.

Which one of you is dying?

The one lying on the couch. Here.

All right, Fairley.

Huh? What's the matter with you? He was worried about his income, Captain. He

took sleeping pills.

How many? I don't know. Maybe the whole bottle.

All right.

Let's have a look.

Oh, my.

What is it?

I'm exhausted.

coffee? Yeah, here. I got some ready. No, don't drink the coffee. It's

Here we go.

Felix, how many pills did you take?

One.

One pill?

When did you take it?

Quarter to seven.

I made a house call because he took one sleeping pill an hour and a half ago.

Why would he take a sleeping pill at a quarter to seven in the morning?

Because I wasn't able to sleep all night.

Felix, what's troubling you?

Dr.

Melnitz.

What are you doing here? Am I all right?

You're fine, you're fine.

You'll get my bill tomorrow.

It's deductible.

You know something?

I think I'm the only doctor in New York who's awake at the shower who doesn't

have a golf club in his hand.

I'll tell you.

I called him, Peter. I saw the empty bottle of pills. I got worried.

The bottle was empty because there was only one pill in it.

I used the cotton to clean my ears.

Okay, Peter. I want you to get up. Get up. I want you to go down to the

Revenue Service.

I hope they convict you. I hope you get Capone's cell. And I hope all his opera

records are broken.

Now, vamoose!

Where are you going?

You tell me to vamoose. Aren't you going to fix my breakfast first?

All these people are ahead of me.

You're next, Mr. Unger. We've been waiting for you.

Tell me about this guy, Ferret. Is he a tough cookie?

Pretty tough.

He's met his match now, I'll tell you that.

Pushing innocent people around?

Sit down, Mr. Unger. Thank you.

I thought it was a Mr. Ferret, but it's not.

What is it, Mrs. Ferret?

Miss Ferret.

Miss Ferret.

Mr. Unger, in looking over your tax return, I found a small discrepancy. I

out the finest tax return of anybody I know. Now look at it. Look at it. Nice.

Big, clear printing, different color ink, all the sevens the same size. Oh,

that's very considerate of you. But you investigate me. Why don't you

investigate me like my roommate? He fills out his return any old way. He

it in a month late, some years he doesn't send it in at all.

But do you investigate Oscar Mattis? No, you investigate Felix Unger.

What are you laughing at?

Miss Unger, I didn't think you'd get that upset.

You have a beautiful tax return.

The nicest one I've ever seen.

Cover and everything.

In fact, we're thinking of putting it on display in the waiting room instead of

the one that's there now.

And, well, you should.

There's just one thing.

Yes? You forgot to sign your check.

That's all?

That's why Uncle Sam wants me?

That's all.

You mean I can walk in the sun again?

Walk anywhere you like, Mr. Under.

Well, why did you send me a special delivery letter in the middle of the

and scare me half to death? You could have mailed me this. I'm sorry for the

inconvenience, but you see, I sent that letter myself.

We wanted to meet you personally.

Come on in, everybody.

Mr. Unger is here.

We wanted to shake the hand of the man who sends in the most beautiful tax

return year after year after year.

Just one more thing. That person you mentioned, the one who doesn't care what

puts down in his tax return.

Who?

Mr. Oscar Madison.

Who? No, no.

Don't pay any attention to anything I said. When I get excited, I invent

imaginary roommates. What was the name? Oscar Madison.

No, it doesn't ring a bell. I live alone.

Carol, will you bring me in the file on Oscar Madison?

for you to sign the check. Yeah.

See? Weren't you crazy to be so worried?

Well, you know me. I'm a zany, wacky guy.

Peter, I want to thank you. I want to tell you, you made my favorites. I have

Mexican food.

Tamales, chili con carne, everything I love. Well, you only live once.

You're priceless.

things upset you. You roll with the old punches.

I get the feeling I'm being greased. Now, what are you leading up to?

I'm leading up to dessert.

And I picked a very, very special Well, that's lovely. Every Mexican restaurant

I know, they always serve you this.

It's marvelous.

Bananas flambé. Or burnt bananas.

You got cool.

That's what you've got.

Come on, come on, come on. Now, what's with you tonight? What are you doing?

Come in, Murray.

Oh, hi, Felix.

Hi, Oscar.

I invited him. Come on in. Good to see you.

Have a nice evening.

Did you bring your gun?

Good, good.

Coffee?

Isn't this nice? We have a little social business.

We don't have many chances to get together like this and chat, you know.

Chat? What is this, the Virginia Graham show?

What are we going to chat about? Well, anything. We'll talk about, oh, advances

in police science and criminology.

That's not nice. Felix Murray here.

Let's talk about something we can all discuss.

Did you tell him yet?

Loose -lipped sink ships?

Tell me what, loose lip.

All right, let's chat. What is it? Something very funny happened. When I

of it, I start laughing.

When he told me, I got hysterical.

Laughter is contagious, isn't it?

Instead of investigating me, they ought to investigate you.

And they're going to do it.

Mr.

Madison, this is impossible.

You want more records? No, no, no, no. You see... You're supposed to list each

receipt separately, not keep a running total for the year. Well, we'll do the

best we can. Come on. I'm doing the best I can. I've been looking at receipts on

the back of cocktail napkins, matchbook covers, footballs, basketballs, hockey

pucks. I quit. Wait a minute. You promised me that no job was too big for

handle. And you promised me that I was going to take care of your income tax,

not clean up your room.

Look, I'll tell you what. Why don't you just bring the tax examiner in here and

plead insanity?

No wonder he got confused.

These are my 1968 receipts.

From a crude interest on Form 9. And where did I put Form 9? Form 9 is the

tricky one. Who asked you to just pack your pots and pans and get out like I

told you?

Thank you!

But 5 and 4 are 8, and... 5 and 4 are 9.

Thank you, and keep your mouth shut. I'll give you the mark of squealing.

I just don't want you to get in trouble with the team, then, that's all. I'll

handle it, I'll handle it.

Do you want me to do that for you? What?

Do you want me to do that for you?

Yes. You do want me to do that for you.

Don't ask me to repeat it. I'm very bad and humble. No more outbursts. No more

outbursts, and I'm sorry. Look at this. I'm apologizing to the squealer. Nobody

can stay mad at Felix Unger very long. I'm hard to hate. You know why? Because

I'm your friend. A stranger would walk out on you.

Friends stay together. The old Felix Oscar team. We're together again.

Say something encouraging, will you, Felix?

Well, there's always parole.

Now, who is Erwin Weintraub?

My bookie.

You can't list your bookie as a dependent.

Yes, I can. I read the tax book. If you're responsible for more than half of

financial support of any person, he's a dependent.

No. Whose side are you on?

Now, you have $1 .50 here for cleaning and pressing, but you don't have a date.

That's for the whole year.

You don't list your outside income.

What outside income?

Well, the money you made when outside of the newspaper.

I don't have any of that.

What about those magazine articles you wrote?

Oh, yeah, those.

What about that book you helped ghostwrite?

Oh, yeah, that.

Oh, yeah, those. Oh, yeah, that.

Is that what you're going to tell them tomorrow down at the office?

No, I'm going to tell them I've got a roommate who's a squealer.

I might have known you'd get around to blaming this on me. What are you talking

about? I owe... I always blamed you. I never stopped blaming. You realize you

finked on me to the United States government?

But you forgave me.

I never forgave you.

I never said forgiving.

I said if you helped, you could stay. I never mentioned the word forgive.

So you're just using me.

No.

Now, come on. What about your return? I haven't finished yet. Forget it. I'm

going to go down there for myself with their mercy and take my chances.

Why don't you call Erwin Weintraub?

With your chances, he'd give you great odds.

She's giving me another... Now she's back to... Mr.

Madison, I've been looking forward to meeting you.

You have?

Yes, I couldn't wait to meet the man whose tax return has kept us all

for days.

Is that all made in here? That's all you for the last eight years. Eight years?

Some of this stuff is priceless.

Mr. Madison, you have the worst tax returns I have ever seen in my life.

I've had vinyl -flowing leader returns on a brick.

You want me to take them and do them over? No, you get one chance by

After that, we do it for you.

Now, this is coming to you over the United States government.

Do you take credit cards?

I don't have this kind of money.

Oh, we don't like to hear that.

I didn't enjoy saying it.

I'll just have to turn this over to our legal department.

Legal department?

Do you have to do that? Yes. Mr. Unger's out here and says he must see you right

away. Tell him I can't talk to him now. I'm sorry to barge in. But I've got

something here that can crack this case wide open. Perfect ending to a perfect

day. I've gone over this man's records with a fine tooth comb. And according to

my figures, you owe Mr.

Madison $94 .17.

We owe him? You're going to get a man. Don't get a man. You subtract what Oscar

owes you from this figure and you'll get $94 .17.

What are you talking about?

Did you know that this man was once married?

Oh, of course I know that. I didn't know that. Did you know that he pays alimony

every month? Oh, boy, do I know that. I didn't know that. Did you know that

alimony is deductible? I know that. I didn't know that.

Here are his canceled alimony checks for the past eight years.

Oh, come to think of it, I do remember you used to file a joint return.

Well, didn't you ever wonder what happened to his wife?

Looking at the way he keeps his record, I just figured he lost her somewhere.

Thank you very much, Mr. Unger. My pleasure, Mrs. Ferris.

Hey, where'd you find those alimony checks?

They were in a shoebox marked gambling losses.

You were so terrific.

I really came in like a lone ranger at the last minute and saved the day,

I? You sure did.

You know, I dream of doing that. I dream of winning the game in the last minute

with a touchdown, hitting that home run at the last second.

What do you dream about?

Living alone.