Original subtitles

Hey, tell me a lot better typewriter.

Well, not bad. Three dial, one to go.

What took you so long?

I think I'm naturally slow.

Also, they're not used to making pizzas with fried eggs on them.

Put it on the table, will you?

On the table. On the table. You're blind. You can't see a table. Put it on

table.

You got plenty of anchovy?

Plenty of anchovy.

Onions? Onions. Hot peppers?

Extra hot peppers. You told them to leave the cheese off, didn't you? Right.

Good, because that cheese will kill you.

What is this?

A note from the pizzeria? Good luck, Paisano.

Did you finish the columns yet? Almost, almost.

But you said you'd be... I'm typing. I'm typing.

What a way to live.

I know you're trying to, you know, get away for a vacation, but trying to

two weeks' work in one day is crazy.

Better slow down, or you'll be writing your own obituary.

I gotta finish this column. I want to go to Las Vegas.

I want nothing on my mind while I'm watching the girls with nothing on their

bodies.

Look at that.

Look at that.

Exactly as I left them eight hours ago.

Bet that's the only food you've eaten, too.

No. I had a Polish sausage sandwich an hour ago.

Hey, Stephanie.

Hi. He hasn't had a decent meal in four days.

Stop nagging, will you, Peter?

Here, honey.

Take these down to the office right away. Send a messenger to pick up the

I'm typing right now, okay? Then I'm going to... I'm going to cover the

afternoon basketball game. Then I'm going to be the press boss. I'm going to

have dinner there.

Then I'm going to come back here and I hope that I'll be in time because the

rerun of the soccer game from Peru. Okay, goodbye.

Make sure to go to general.

Oh, boy. What's the matter?

What is it, your ulcer? Yeah. You better call Dr. Melwins. I knew it. I knew it.

Okay, I'm not through yet.

On November 13th, Felix Unger was

asked to remove himself from his place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right. But he also knew that someday he would return

to her.

With nowhere else to go.

he appeared at the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier, Madison's wife had thrown him out, requesting that he

never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment without driving each other crazy?

The odd couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

I warned him, doctor. I pleaded with him. I tried to impress on him the God

-given gift of good health, but he wouldn't listen to me. It's like talking

brick wall.

You ever try to talk to a brick wall?

Felix, you are the reason doctors don't like to make house calls. I know. I'm

sorry. I'm sorry. I talk too much.

From now on, my lips are sealed. I was only trying to help.

You helped enough by getting him out here.

Just that I have this strong sympathetic reaction to pain.

Remember when my wife was pregnant?

I went through everything with her. I had the swollen ankles. I had the

sickness. I had the depression.

I even waddled when I walked.

Okay,

once more.

Deep breath.

Right here?

Here?

No.

Here? Ah, yeah. That's the spot.

Thank you.

His ulcer isn't. It's rearing its ugly head again. It's ripping its way right

through that stomach wall.

Rip, rip, rip, rip.

How are you at wiring a fractured jaw?

Rip, rip, rip.

Oscar, you promised me this time that you were going to take care of yourself.

I've been trying, Doc. He's been trying, Doc. He's been trying, Doc.

Oh, thank you.

Well, I won't know anything for sure until all the tests are in.

But one thing I'm certain.

Any more anxiety, any more tension, you could be out completely.

Will you stop with the head? Look, I was thinking about going to Las Vegas.

If you go to Las Vegas, you'll go in a box.

Will you stop with the nodding?

Look, my philosophy about sickness is if you ignore it, it'll go away.

Let me write that down.

I'd like to write that down, too.

Doctor, I've taken the liberty of preparing a menu for Oscar.

Felix, if you're angling for some kind of feast, let him forget it.

However, he's got a point.

I want you to be especially careful with your diet.

Only bland foods.

Call me Monday and let me know how you're feeling.

I'll make sure that he calls you Monday, Doctor.

should I do?

Take care of him and see that he stays in bed.

I'll make sure he stays in bed, but how often should I check on him?

I don't know. Every couple hours.

I've got to go to work, but I'll sneak back from work. Just tell me one thing.

In case of emergency, how much responsibility are you leaving in my

Well, let me put it this way.

You can take his temperature.

But call me before you operate.

Here we go with surprises.

What are you doing?

Playing solitaire. You're not cheating, are you? Oh, no. Because cheating makes

guilt, and guilt makes acid.

Wonderful surprise. What is it? What is it?

Look at this. Here.

Clear soup.

Two soft -boiled eggs.

Tapioca pudding. And what is this wonderfulness here you've got? I have

seen that, I'm afraid.

What is that?

Steamed celery.

Steamed celery.

Not exactly a dish fit for a king, but then you're not Henry VIII, are you?

to cheer up sick people.

How is it, huh? Good?

Mmm, good.

You know, Fish, do you ever think about cooking for a hospital? That good, huh?

I love to see you eat. Every slurp brings you that much closer to good

And Las Vegas.

Well, I've got to go back to work. Okay.

Is there anything you need? You going to be all right?

What can happen to me in bed? Sheet burn?

You're right.

Don't you worry, fella, because I'm going to pull you through. I know you

Trust me. I do. I'm on your side, you know. I'm lucky to have a friend like

who comes home from work to make me such a delicious lunch. Thank you, Felix. I

really, I can't tell you how much I like you.

Even celery.

Soft -boiled eggs. Running yet.

Salty, stinky soup.

Hello, Myrna.

Oscar. Yes.

Same place, same pizza, same eggs, but tell him to hold the note.

Super son, I'm following in my father's footsteps.

Oh, heck this kid.

Yeah, he asked me to give you this. Oh, the racing pump. Good, thanks, kid. Boy,

who would believe it? Right here in a luxury building, a slum.

I don't need your jokes, kid. Goodbye.

Yeah, but Mr. Unger asked us to install a reading lamp for you. You have to do

it now?

Uh, yes. I have a guitar lesson this afternoon because I don't want to follow

my father's footsteps.

Where would you like it? Put it anywhere.

Hello, Stan.

Austin.

Yeah. Listen, I want to put $20 to win on Jack Knightman the 7th. Ah, excuse

Mr. Madison.

You got an electrical outlet in this room? Sure.

Where are you hiding it? I'm not hiding it. It's behind the, um... It's behind

somewhere. Take a look. You'll find it.

Yeah. Listen, how did Judy's bill do in the third?

It didn't even show. He was the favorite.

I got a break. I want $20 to win on Jack Knightman the 7th. Right.

Miss Bam?

You can come in, Myrna. Alphas aren't contagious.

Come on. Let me have you.

what you called me to bring, but I'm not happy about it. I'm not concerned with

your happiness. I'm concerned with my happiness.

Yeah, well, suppose the doctor caught you eating that. I'm not concerned about

the doctor either. I'm worried about Felix.

Mr. Madison, I don't mean to disturb you, but that stuff moved all by itself.

Oh, that's Monroe. Monroe, Myrna, Myrna.

Monroe, her name is.

Hi, Myrna. Hi.

He's looking for an outlet.

Have you tried...

What's that?

Oh, it's a get well card.

Signed by everyone in the office.

Oh, that's sweet.

What are all these numbers besides the name?

Oh, that's how much money you owe each of them.

They really hope you get better quick and get back to work.

Go help them find an outlet, please.

Hi, Marina.

Hi, Larry.

Hey, Oscar, the front door was unlocked.

That's an open invitation to criminals.

The New York City police.

Here, Oscar.

Get well quick.

What am I, Seabiscuit?

Where'd you get the flowers?

I was assigned to a funeral.

Well, it's the smell that counts.

You smell like formaldehyde.

You mean the guys like I asked you? Yeah.

Okay, get him in there, will you? I got the cards and everything. Did the doctor

say it's okay? Yeah.

Are you sure he said it's okay? You want to see the note?

Get him, will you?

You remember Top and Mike? Oh, hi, fellas.

I'm going to Las Vegas in a couple of days. I want to get warmed up.

Okay, just give me a quarter and a half, five cuts, and a Murray you can deal.

Hey, that's against the law.

Call a cop.

Oh.

What can I do? What can I do?

I'd like a beer, Murray'd like a hot shot.

You could have done irreparable damage to that poor soul in there.

I just hope I got back here on time.

Well, I had no choice. Mr. M called and threatened me.

He threatened you? Yeah, he said if I didn't bring him food, he'd tell the

office my secret.

What secret?

Well, this isn't my original nose.

What about you, Officer Gresham?

It's my original nose.

of you, Murray. If you had any medals, I'd rip them right off you. But Felix,

Oscar's my friend.

He's sick.

And I'm a policeman.

I don't have time to unravel your logic, Murray.

And you?

I just came up here to do my job. I gotta do my job.

But you were there. You saw a sick Oscar. Why didn't you throw those men

When was the last time you saw a Puerto Rican throw out three cops?

better than to disturb Oscar for shame, shame.

Can we leave now? No, in a minute.

I'm sorry, but Oscar means a lot to me.

He means a lot to all of us.

It's just that it's impossible to isolate Oscar in this time.

He needs to be someplace where it's quiet and restful and where there's

going on.

He could come to my house any Saturday night.

I could put him in solitary. How about the basement, the storage room?

It's filthy down there.

You'll fit right in.

No, no, no, that's any good. We need some place where I can...

Felix,

this is great. I got a habit here. If we'd gone to Vegas, I would have gotten

sick. You can bet on that.

I'm just as funny on sea as I am on land.

This is a great compromise, see? I can swing when I want. I can relax when you

want. Well, we both needed a vacation.

There's... There's something I want to say. Hey, wait a minute, everybody. I

thought this was a get -acquainted party. It is. I just wanted to get here

so we could get our own porthole.

Hey, Peter, now we have these girls that come on cruises as swingers and sold it

better than vodka. Well, don't get your hopes up. I tell you...

You're here to rest. Yeah, well, I'll rest with some of the other passengers,

huh? Where is everybody?

They're here.

They're all on a tour. They'll all come together.

There's something I've got to tell you. Oh, you don't have to tell me. I know

the rules. It's every man for himself, huh?

Here they come. Here they come. Do me a favor now. What? Big flood.

That's the way I want to remember you.

Just the ones who could make it down there.

That's my relaxing crew.

That's Lawrence Welk.

Hi.

What are you doing? I'm leaving.

We just left New York.

I'm getting off at the first stop.

The first stop is New York.

You mean this boat doesn't stop?

Once around the Atlantic.

Then I'll hijack the ship. I'll demand a million dollars and an inner tube.

Maybe I owe you an apology. You bet you do. For 30 years, I wanted to take a

swinging cruise, and then you booked me on a boat where everybody calls me

Sonny.

I thought this cruise would be good for your condition. The lifestyle of senior

citizens is a nice, easy pace.

What pace? Nobody moves.

They're lovely.

people, try to enjoy them. Now, come on, unpack. No, I'm not going to unpack.

I'm not going to unpack.

All right, I'm unpacked, okay?

Hey, Mayden.

Mayden, sir, sir, please, sir, come in here. You've got to help me, sir. I've

got to get off this ship. Look, will you tell that to the captain? I am the

captain. Oh, listen, captain. Captain, passenger Unger out of New York

reporting, sir.

Glad to be aboard, sir.

Excellent, excellent.

What seems to be the trouble here? Well, Passenger Madison seems to have trouble

relaxing.

Relaxing? I'm so relaxed I'm dying of boredom. What is there to do on this

Where's the activities director?

Well, I'm afraid there isn't one this time out. We took on a new activities

director and he spends most of his time at the rail.

There's no one to help these nice people have a good time?

Afraid not.

Captain, making the captain's pardon, sir.

Passenger Unger, volunteers to be activities director.

Phoenix, what are you doing?

These people are in their golden years. They deserve the best. And you're going

to lend a little tarnish to their lives.

I think that's a good idea.

We need kids like you.

Here's a whistle and you'll find a hat in room 102.

Oh, thank you, Captain.

Carry on with your boat business.

Carry on with your boat business, sir.

Captain, when do you give him a job like that?

I learned one rule at sea.

When you got a troublemaker, give him a whistle.

You want a whistle?

No. Food.

Look at this menu. I don't believe it here.

Yeah, mashed potatoes, pea soup, mashed bananas.

Don't you have any food for people with teeth?

Why don't you eat what I do? What's that?

Salami, tacos, pizza.

What's that noise? That's my stomach.

Captain, please tell me, where do I get pizza and tacos and all that stuff? Try

old Arlo Topple.

Arlo Topple. Right. Okay.

Pretty good.

Three dollars for this sandwich?

Three dollars.

Piracy on the high seas.

Here.

Three dollars.

You see that? Three dollars for a kind of sandwich. I don't even know if it's

got ketchup on it. Can you believe that?

Now hear this. Now hear this. All hands on deck.

Hello, folks. I'm Passenger Unger. Now, the captain has informed me we have no

activities, director, so I volunteered myself for the job.

He gave me this hat and the whistle, and he's given me your folders.

Now, we're all aboard for our health, aren't we? So I'm going to make sure

we all follow the rules so that we have a healthy, happy voyage.

Thank you, mate.

We're also going to have fun, but medically sound fun.

I'm going to see that we all follow our doctor's orders.

Well, like it or not, but we're all in the same boat, aren't we?

Listen, Captain Quig, what is medically sound fun?

It means, Passenger Madison, that we don't cheat on our diets. Look at this.

Ham and salami and cheese for a man with an ulcer. Give me the sandwich. Shape

up or ship out, Madison. Felix.

Felix! That sandwich is with sweet olive. And what is your stomach worth?

Am I right? Am I right?

Well, ahoy there, Mrs.

Graffney. Yes, we met at the passenger meeting, didn't we?

Oh, yes.

You're the clean bone.

Have you taken your pill?

Oh, yes, yes. But you see, now I'm twitching to prunes.

Well, you can always trust the prunes.

No, no, thank you. But I want you to promise me that you're going to take

pills, too.

No, I won't. Yes, you will.

You better do what he says or I'll have a temper tantrum.

That's a good little lady, Mrs. Prune.

Well, a whole...

Bingo cards?

No, no, no, no.

Darts? No, no equipment. What's your name, Taylor?

Roswell?

Roswell.

Yes, well, now, according to this, work in the cage is a little too strenuous

for you.

Oh, I always work in the cage. I've been in here on the seven cruises.

Well, then it's time you had a nice, good rest, isn't it? What cages are my

life? I used to be a wild animal.

Do you want me to tell your daughter that you refuse to obey doctor's orders?

Oh, no.

I'll come out.

My daughter is more dangerous than any wild animal.

Well, how are we doing, Mr. Larson? Having the time of your life, aren't

Sure you are.

There she is, full of prunes.

Your friend is causing an awful lot of bad feelings.

All we want to do is just do what we want to do.

Can't you explain that to your friend?

Now, hear

this. All hands

on deck. All hands on deck.

Stop that jabbering, mister.

Now, we're going to have fun today. Guess what we're going to do?

Dust each other.

No. We're going to play Simon Says.

Now, first, let me go over the rules. Well, we know the rules.

You do?

Good. Then I don't have to tell you, do I? Okay, and everybody, line up on this

line right here. Come on.

Come on.

Oh, I know.

Very good.

You got me, didn't you? I forgot to say Simon Says. Okay.

Simon Says, line up on this line right here.

Good. Very good.

Okay. Just put your toes on the line. Now, stop.

You're coming too far.

Simon says stop.

Simon says stop.

Simon says help.

That's the record player.

Pauly's been open for two hours. There's too much excitement. Everybody went

back to their cabin.

Well, I hope you're happy. You won't have Felix Unger to kick around anymore.

I need my pills, Felix.

Aha!

In other words, it's Felix Unger to the rescue once more. Don't put it in other

words. Just give me my pills. Why wouldn't you listen to me? Why don't you

listen to me? I need my pills. Oscar,

Oscar. When will you learn your lesson?

Do you think I wanted to come on this cruise?

I did it for you.

And look at the thanks I get.

You throw me in the bridge. You confiscate my hat and my whistle.

Passengers were having a nice enough time. And then you instigate a riot. Now

when everybody's on the brink of serious illness, you come crawling back on your

knees to me and beg for forgiveness.

Hold it!

I'm holding it. Just hold it. And sit down!

All right, I'm going to tell you something, Felix, for your own good.

Am I good, too?

I've known you a long time, and I think I know you pretty good. Pretty well.

That's exactly what I mean.

Pretty good, pretty well. Who cares?

I don't care. You think Mr. Lawson cares? Mrs.

Grappley cares? No.

Only Felix the Perfect cares.

Speak for yourself.

I'll speak for everyone.

You're so compulsively perfect, you drive everyone to be extreme.

Mr. Lawson. Lawson didn't want to do the karaoke.

He would have been very happy to take a moderate stroll around the poop deck.

Now, Mrs. Grant, do you think she wanted to throw her pills overboard?

She wanted to alternate a prune for a pill, a pill for a prune, a pill for a

pill. Who's it going to hurt?

Nobody.

I don't understand the way you operate, Felix.

Don't you see? You made me eat nine tacos.

I would have been happy with six.

All right, I get your message.

What should I do?

Well, how about the middle?

No moderation.

All right, I'll take it easy.

If you'll take it easy. Done.

Okay.

Can I have my hat back?

And my whistle?

Ah, good.

And I promise I won't go overboard anymore.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, you see?

I haven't lost the famous Uncle Hugh.

I have to rush ahead. Why, why? I have to watch the whistle.

Well, do my eyes deceive me, or have you got something going for you there?

Oh, I don't mind. You're right.

Shipboard romance, huh?

We just dropped by to tell you that we saw Mr. Madison up on deck, and he had

Mr. Topple's raincoat on.

Yeah, he bought it for $50.

Oh, no.

But he promised me he was going for moderation.

Oscar, what happened to you?

I went on deck to sneak a salami sandwich.

And a flock of seagulls attacked my coat.